|
|
||
|
NinjaPimp and AfroSquad
loyalists, As you know, afro-squad.com and AfroSquad are your headquarters for fighting the Man. We are also your #1 source for cool funky interviews. This month we feature a professional wrestler named Konnan, a porn star named Jessica Jaymes, and a Hustler Hall of Famer named Sharon Mitchell. For new content, this issue is our biggest ever! We have new pictures featuring the $nowMan fighting the Man in Detroit. Mr. T and AfroSquad marshal a parade in D.C. Sponge Bob almost loses the Pimp of the Year title. We talk about the Players' Ball, the Hoe Depot, the Protagons, and how to be more safe in the adult industry. The NinjaPimp, Dragon Master, afro-squad.com afro-squad.com Exclusive Interview with Jessica Jaymes by the NinjaPimp
Jessica, hi. How are you doing? I just woke up. I am so sorry. I was at a New Year's party last night, so you can imagine how tired I am.
Would
you like me to call back another time? You sound really tired.
No, let's do this. I just apologize if it takes me a minute to wake up.
No problem. So who came up with your
name? I did. I came up with it myself. I had to spell Jaymes
with a "y" in the middle because there was already a Jessica James, and
I didn't want to be confused for her.
I didn't know that. I looked your
name up on Wikipedia, but I didn't think there would be two Jessica
James (Jaymes). So what is your website and who runs it? The
site is
www.xxxjessicajaymes.com. Brandon Michaels and Catalina Cruz are
affiliated with the site. They are great.
Brandon is an actor in the adult
industry. I am familiar with his work. I also used to work with Catalina
back when she was known as Jenna Z. She was on our site for a while. So
where are you from? I am from Anchorage, Alaska. My dad was in
the Air Force. He was a DEA agent, a police officer, and he was in
Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.
Didn't you want to be a pilot?
Yeah, I was born to pilot. Ever since I watched Top Gun as a kid, I
wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Don't you work with Playboy?
Yes, I host a TV show called Totally Busted... it is on Playboy
TV. It is a totally uncensored show that is like a XXX Candid Camera.
Furthermore, I did a show called Night Calls. On the show, people call
in and ask sex questions. They ask things like, "When did you first have
sex?" By the way, the answer is that I was thirteen years old.
Did you know that we just
interviewed Ginger Lynn. She also does a show on Playboy. She works with
Christy Canyon. Ginger is a legend. To steal a word from the
80s, she is "rad." Ginger Lynn is beautiful. She is wonderful. I can't
say enough about her.
I also read something about you and
Nick Lachey. Can you tell us about that? I can neither confirm
or deny anything about Nick Lachey. You can read about that on page six
of the New York Times.
Well who was the other girl
involved? Was she a friend? Holy sh!t. I don't even know her
name. I just ate her pu$$!. I eat a lot of girls. I am so tired. I
apologize.
So were you Hustler's Honey of the
Year? Yes, I was also the first contract girl as the Honey of
the Year. I have done five covers with them and six layouts. I worked
with them in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006. I was Honey of the Year in
2005. I was also on Howard Stern, four times. Three times when it was in
syndication and one time when it was on satellite.
What was the show like? The
first time I was there Howard put me in the Robo Spanker. I was the
first girl to ever use the Robo Spanker. It wasn't calibrated right.
Howard whipped me hard. Oh my god, I f'n cried.
What about the other episodes?
On another episode a fan of mine named Richard had to answer
questions. He got several right, but when he got one wrong he had to
pay. A guy named Captain Sack "tea-bagged" Richard with chocolate on his
balls. Can you imagine? That had to be the worst!
Is the show different now that it is
on Satellite? No, it is still the same. They now broadcast the
show on the web.
So what movies have you made lately?
One is titled Jessica Jaymes' Poke-Her Tournament.
That's clever. What company do you
work with? It is Jessica Jaymes productions. It is my own
company. I produce all of my own sh!t with Platinum Blue.
I didn't realize. So, who do you
like to work with? Honestly, I like everyone I work with. I
work with a large amount of people. Some of my favorites are Nick
Manning, Brittney Skye, Talon, Sasha, Tommy Gunn, and several other
people.
What companies have you worked with?
Vivid, Wicked and everyone
imaginable. I have worked with them all. From the top of the business to
the bottom.
So how many people visit your site?
I don't know, but the website makes about $60,000 a month. So
there must be a lot of people.
That's great. Congratulations.
Yeah, and for the fans who want to see something harder... I am
launching a new site very soon. It is going to be called Jessica Jaymes
Raw! The site is going to be extreme. There will be blood, my head in a
toilet, wrist slashing, anal, asphyxiation, murder, stuff that nobody
would believe. It is going to be awesome! I can't wait!
That's great. I am sure it will be a
big success. You have been a very fun guest. Maybe if you get the
chance, you can tell your friends to do an interview with afro-squad.com.
Well thank you for your time. It was a lot
of fun. I wish you the best of luck on your website. Please keep in
touch!
afro-squad.com Exclusive
Interview with Dr. Sharon Mitchell
Dr. Mitchell's film credits include such classics as Wadd, The Life and Times of John C. Holmes, The Top 25 Adult Stars of All-Time, The Legend of Ron Jeremy, The Family Business, E! True Hollywood Story (Ginger Lynn and Linda Lovelace), The Legends of Sex, over 450 other movie titles, and she was the medical assistant in Houston's World's Largest Gangb@ng - 620.
afro-squad.com is an online magazine that interviews adult film stars.
Quite a few of them say that you are the best doctor that they've ever
worked with. Can you explain to our friends how you are involved in the
adult industry? Read AIM's performer responsibility sheet
|
The Jessica Jaymes Issue (#33) afro-squad.com
Exclusive Interview with Konnan
Konnan is very well-known in Mexico, and has been described as "the Mexican Hulk Hogan," reflecting his mainstream popularity. He has also wrestled for major American promotions such as the World Wrestling Federation, World Championship Wrestling, and Extreme Championship Wrestling. Konnan is currently employed by the Nashville, Tennessee-based Total Nonstop Action Wrestling promotion, where he is currently the manager of the Latin American Exchange. He is also facing some major health issues. Konnan,
how are you doing today?
I'm
doing good.
It's very difficult to get sex-film actors to adhere to any regulation, but most of the performers follow our rules when the rest of the industry ? the producers, directors and distributors ? cooperates. They are the "parents" in this business, since a number of the people who act in these films are not emotionally healthy. Some are young and troubled, and their careers are short: the typical sex-film actor works in the industry for three months to three years.
The self-policing has worked. Two of the
largest film companies, Vivid and Wicked Pictures, regularly use condoms
and the other companies will if the actors insist on it. In 80,000 tests
my organization has conducted since 1998, there have been only 14
diagnoses of H.I.V. infection. We're doing an excellent job. But if a
crusading government takes advantage of the three positive diagnoses to
try to shut down the industry or mandate condoms, it won't work. The
segment of the industry that refuses to use condoms will simply go
underground...
Michigan (Reuters) - $nowMan battled the Man's forces east of Detroit as
ninjas in the capital killed 13 henchmen of the Man in Lansing.
Hundreds of the Man's cronies have converged on Detroit. Trying to rid the streets of our heroes, the AfroSquad. The latest violence came as the Man prepared to launch a Public Dick-backed hoe crackdown in the D' aimed at stemming the incredible fun associated with the AfroSquad. The governor of Michigan said the Man's cronies fought AfroSquad in an effort to keep the brothers down. He stated, "Michigan supports AfroSquad. They are bringing fine bootie to the state. Since James Brown died, they are the only funk we have left!" "There is a conspiracy to kill the AfroSquad!" the governor said. "If we lose AfroSquad, then tourism in this state is dead. We'd be like a Pamela Anderson without boobs. We'd be useless."
Washington, D.C. Feb 26. An AfroSquad contingent, serving a three-year stint with the D.C. Cab Company, hung out with Mr. T at the annual NinjaPimp Day parade. Clad in the ceremonial uniform of the D.C. Cab Company - gold funk jackets, black afros, and reaking of the smell of fine poon - Captain Krazyman and the $nowMan proudly led Mr. T past President George W. Bush, at the two-hour long event. The D.C. Cab Company is the only taxi service devoted solely to delivering hoes. "We deliver more hot bootie than a pirate ship on fire," said $nowMan. $nowMan is the white grandson of James Brown. He was commissioned into the elite D.C. Cab Company two years ago, after graduating from the Taxi Industry Training Symposium (TITS). "I learned so much from the TITS," SnowMan has said. "If it wasn't for TITS, I wouldn't be the man I am today!" According to KrazyMan, TITS are a family tradition. "My grandfather loved TITS. My father (the Crown Prince of Funk) enjoyed TITS every weekend from 1970 to 1983," he explained.
When SpongeBob puts his grill back on,
he'll have a clean, dry surface on which to place it.
The reigning Pimp of the Year (POTY)
checked out of the Pennsylvania Institute anti-Metrosexual Pimps
(PIMP) rehab facility Sunday and is back at his KrazyMan Plaza
apartment, a rep for the AfroSquad confirmed.
Spokesman KrazyMan, however, denied a report that Bob was planning on attending a welcome back social at Starbucks, a locale where the youngster was once spotted consuming vanilla latte and engaging in other behavior unbecoming of a pimp. "Right now he's got to get used to the honey," a source close to the situation told the New York Daily News. "Later on, he has to get used to the Money!" After almost losing his crunk cup last month in the wake of reports that chronicled his "Ryan Seacrest-like" ways, Bob, who has denied being a wuss, spent the past few weeks mulling over where he went wrong. Pimp of the Year co-owner $nowMan, who deigned to give Bob a second chance if he promised to enter PIMP rehab to get his mack on, predicted that people would soon be "talkin 'bout SpongeBob like they used to be talkin' about Jesus." "All bitches are the same, just like my hoes, they wake up and realize they are worth something... they are likely to go crazy!" Bob said after the press conference, in an attempt to prove that he is still a real pimp.
Although $nowMan has not taken the POTY award
away from Bob, rumor has it that if Bob slips up again he'll be relieved
of his POTY title.
The Players' Ball History The Players' Ball is the second oldest "Pimp of the Year" awards ceremony in the country. AfroSquad's Pimp of the Year awards date back to 1970. The Player's Ball stemmed from a scene in the 1973 blaxploitation film, The Mack, in which the lead character, a pimp named Goldie, attends The Players Ball in Oakland, California. The Players' Ball was also depicted in the 1999 Hughes Brothers' documentary, American Pimp. Other Players' Balls take place across the country, most notably in Miami and Atlanta. A well-known non-pimp Players' Ball started some years ago in Las Vegas, as a private party for businesses attending the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. The event is organized by D-Money. Past events have featured performers including Snoop Dogg, Digital Underground, Ice-T, LL Cool J, Fishbone, the Protagons and porn star Ron Jeremy as the MC.
We are the sole provider of music and cheesy special effects for the new episodes of AfroSquad. Episode Zero is sort of a preview of things to come, but definitely worth watching. We have an album in the works. The first beats for it were written in 1998. By the time the project is done, it will probably be classified as 'unintentional retro.'
Steady management a key to Hoes, the
one-stop Hoe emporium designed in the image of Lowes. When Hoe
Depot Inc.'s former chief executive, $nowMan, resigned earlier this
month, industry insiders rushed to question all that had gone wrong at
the nation's No. 1 hoe retailer.
Among them: Management blunders, shaky customer service and a plummeting stock price.
"We overestimated the desire for a
variety of hoes." SnowMan said. "We got smelly hoes, we got hairy
hoes, bloody hoes, we got snappin' hoes, we got silk hoes, velvet hoes,
Naugahyde hoes, we even got horse hoes, dog hoes, chicken hoes! Come on,
you want hoes, come on in, hoes lovers! If we don't got it, you don't
want it! Come on in, hoe lovers!"
Meanwhile, Funkytown-based Hoe's Companies Inc., Hoe Depot's fiercest competitor, has found itself the sudden recipient of Wall Street's accolades.
How did Hoe's put itself ahead of the
competition in the eyes of investors?
"In general, we focus on Hoe
accessories," said KrazyMan, Hoes Chief Executive Pimp. "Our hardware
section alone offers a variety of high tech strap-on devices, electric
whips, self-locking chains, metallic thongs, and grills. Our pharmacy
department offers several bootie ointments, anti-viral topical lubes,
anti-stank perfumes, and spackle to cover unsightly sores."
"We aren't just about hoes," KrazyMan
continues. "We cater to pimps too. For them, we offer next-generation adamanthium
pimp sticks. And for your wife, we offer
Hoestess Big Dongs!"
|
|
Introduction
to the Protagons
