NinjaPimp and AfroSquad
As you know, afro-squad.com and AfroSquad are your
headquarters for fighting the Man. We are also your #1 source for
cool funky interviews. This month we feature a professional wrestler
named Konnan, a porn star named Jessica Jaymes, and a Hustler Hall of
Famer named Sharon Mitchell.
For new content, this issue is our biggest
ever! We have new pictures featuring the $nowMan fighting the Man in
Detroit. Mr. T and AfroSquad marshal a parade in D.C. Sponge
Bob almost loses the Pimp of the Year title. We talk about the
Players' Ball, the Hoe Depot, the Protagons, and how to be more safe in
the adult industry.
Interview with Jessica Jaymes
by the NinjaPimp
it was widely reported that she and pop singer
had a sexual encounter at a bachelor party for his friend, Sean
Sullivan, held at the
owner Cody Leibel. Jaymes later claimed to
New York Post's
that Lachey watched her in a lesbian sex show with another pornographic
performer. After the alleged incident was publicized, her career seemed
to escalate with the announcement that she is the first-ever contract
and awarded her the "Hustler Honey of the Year" award. On
reported that Jaymes and her agent were shopping around the alleged
"real story" for a price of around one million USD. She also
shared some details with afro-squad.com. (Source, Wikipedia)
Jessica, hi. How are
you doing? I just woke up. I am so sorry. I was at a New Year's
party last night, so you can imagine how tired I am.
you like me to call back another time? You sound really tired.
No, let's do this. I just apologize if it takes me a minute to wake up.
No problem. So who came up with your
name? I did. I came up with it myself. I had to spell Jaymes
with a "y" in the middle because there was already a Jessica James, and
I didn't want to be confused for her.
I didn't know that. I looked your
name up on Wikipedia, but I didn't think there would be two Jessica
James (Jaymes). So what is your website and who runs it? The
www.xxxjessicajaymes.com. Brandon Michaels and Catalina Cruz are
affiliated with the site. They are great.
Brandon is an actor in the adult
industry. I am familiar with his work. I also used to work with Catalina
back when she was known as Jenna Z. She was on our site for a while. So
where are you from? I am from Anchorage, Alaska. My dad was in
the Air Force. He was a DEA agent, a police officer, and he was in
Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.
Didn't you want to be a pilot?
Yeah, I was born to pilot. Ever since I watched Top Gun as a kid, I
wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Don't you work with Playboy?
Yes, I host a TV show called Totally Busted... it is on Playboy
TV. It is a totally uncensored show that is like a XXX Candid Camera.
Furthermore, I did a show called Night Calls. On the show, people call
in and ask sex questions. They ask things like, "When did you first have
sex?" By the way, the answer is that I was thirteen years old.
Did you know that we just
interviewed Ginger Lynn. She also does a show on Playboy. She works with
Christy Canyon. Ginger is a legend. To steal a word from the
80s, she is "rad." Ginger Lynn is beautiful. She is wonderful. I can't
say enough about her.
I also read something about you and
Nick Lachey. Can you tell us about that? I can neither confirm
or deny anything about Nick Lachey. You can read about that on page six
of the New York Times.
Well who was the other girl
involved? Was she a friend? Holy sh!t. I don't even know her
name. I just ate her pu$$!. I eat a lot of girls. I am so tired. I
So were you Hustler's Honey of the
Year? Yes, I was also the first contract girl as the Honey of
the Year. I have done five covers with them and six layouts. I worked
with them in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006. I was Honey of the Year in
2005. I was also on Howard Stern, four times. Three times when it was in
syndication and one time when it was on satellite.
What was the show like? The
first time I was there Howard put me in the Robo Spanker. I was the
first girl to ever use the Robo Spanker. It wasn't calibrated right.
Howard whipped me hard. Oh my god, I f'n cried.
What about the other episodes?
On another episode a fan of mine named Richard had to answer
questions. He got several right, but when he got one wrong he had to
pay. A guy named Captain Sack "tea-bagged" Richard with chocolate on his
balls. Can you imagine? That had to be the worst!
Is the show different now that it is
on Satellite? No, it is still the same. They now broadcast the
show on the web.
So what movies have you made lately?
One is titled Jessica Jaymes' Poke-Her Tournament.
That's clever. What company do you
work with? It is Jessica Jaymes productions. It is my own
company. I produce all of my own sh!t with Platinum Blue.
I didn't realize. So, who do you
like to work with? Honestly, I like everyone I work with. I
work with a large amount of people. Some of my favorites are Nick
Manning, Brittney Skye, Talon, Sasha, Tommy Gunn, and several other
What companies have you worked with?
Vivid, Wicked and everyone
imaginable. I have worked with them all. From the top of the business to
So how many people visit your site?
I don't know, but the website makes about $60,000 a month. So
there must be a lot of people.
That's great. Congratulations.
Yeah, and for the fans who want to see something harder... I am
launching a new site very soon. It is going to be called Jessica Jaymes
Raw! The site is going to be extreme. There will be blood, my head in a
toilet, wrist slashing, anal, asphyxiation, murder, stuff that nobody
would believe. It is going to be awesome! I can't wait!
That's great. I am sure it will be a
big success. You have been a very fun guest. Maybe if you get the
chance, you can tell your friends to do an interview with afro-squad.com.
Well thank you for your time. It was a lot
of fun. I wish you the best of luck on your website. Please keep in
Interview with Dr. Sharon Mitchell
by the Red Ninja
Mitchell is the Director of the Adult Industry Medical Health Care
Foundation, that she set up in 1998. She is a retired erotic actress, with
an amazing career spanning over two decades. She has since earned a Ph.D.
degree in human sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of
Human Sexuality in San Francisco."
Dr. Mitchell's film credits
include such classics as Wadd, The Life and Times of John C. Holmes, The
Top 25 Adult Stars of All-Time, The Legend of Ron Jeremy, The Family
Business, E! True Hollywood Story (Ginger Lynn and Linda Lovelace), The
Legends of Sex, over 450 other movie titles, and she was the medical
assistant in Houston's World's Largest Gangb@ng - 620.
afro-squad.com is an online magazine that interviews adult film stars.
Quite a few of them say that you are the best doctor that they've ever
worked with. Can you explain to our friends how you are involved in the
WHY YES, I WAS AN ACTRESS, PRODUCER, DIRECTOR, AND FEATURE DANCER IN THE
ADULT INDUSTRY SINCE 1975.I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN PUBLIC HEALTH, AND A
PH.D IN HUMAN SEXUALITY. I AM A BOARD CERTIFIED CLINICAL SEXOLOGIST,
WHICH MEANS I AM CAPABLE IN BOTH THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ISSUES
SURROUNDING SEX, AND THE STUDY THEREOF. (GYNECOLOGY, UROLOGY, COUNSELING)
SO, WITH MY EXPERIENCE IN THE INDUSTRY, AND MY FORMAL EDUCATION, I AM VERY
SYMPATHETIC TO THE ENTERTAINERS IN THE INDUSTRY. PERHAPS THAT IS WHY
FOLKS ARE SO HAPPY TO SEE ME, AS I HAVE NO JUDGMENT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.
What recommendations would you make to a girl who is new to the industry?
THAT IS A LOADED QUESTION. WE GIVE OUT A DVD CALLED "PORN 101" WHICH
INCLUDES ALL OF OUR RECOMMENDATIONS AT AIM HEALTHCARE FOUNDATION THIS DVD
IS OVER 1 HOUR LONG, AND WE ALSO COUNSEL EACH NEW PERSON FOR 1/2 HOUR ON
HIV AND STDS WHEN THEY FIRST COME INTO THE INDUSTRY. MOST IMPORTANTLY,
GET TESTED AT AIM (WE ARE NATIONAL NOW) EACH MONTH FOR HIV BY PCR/DNA
EARLY DETECTION TEST, AND CHLAMYDIA AND GONORRHEA EACH MONTH. UPON
ENTERING GET A PAP SMEAR, AND A FULL CHECK UP, INCLUDING VACCINATIONS FOR
HEPATITIS, AND GARDISIL, THE VACCINATION FOR HPV. AND ABOVE ALL "DON''T
FUCK TO GET THE JOB, THAT IS THE JOB." IN MARCH, OUR PORN 101 WILL BE
STREAMING VIDEO ON OUR SITE, AIM-MED.ORG AND FOR GENERAL PUBLIC
What recommendations do you have to the thousands of people who perform on
adult websites? PLEASE, GET TESTED AND USE CONDOMS WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING BEFORE YOU START, AND
DON'T DO ANYTHING NEW ONLINE, OR ON TAPE OR FILM, TRY IT AT HOME FIRST.
What are the dangers in the adult industry? IN THE ADULT INDUSTRY, ONE
COULD GET ANYTHING FROM THE FLU TO HIV, YOU MUST LEARN TO PROTECT YOURSELF
THE BEST YOU CAN. SAY NO, WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING, KEEP YOUR
BOUNDARIES HIGH, LIKE YOUR PAYSCALE, AND DON'T EVER SETTLE FOR LESS. THERE
ARE JUST AS MANY GREAT PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY AS THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH
LESS THAN GOOD INTENTIONS, TRY TO "HOOK UP" WITH THE WINNERS, AS YOU WILL
BE ASKED TO PUSH YOU LIMITS, SO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE BEFORE YOU START. I
HAVE SEEN AND HEARD MANY A HORROR STORY, AND IT CAN BE HELPED BY FOLLOWING
SIMPLE ADVICE. FOR A COMPLETE LIST OF OUR RECOMMENDATIONS, SEE AIM-MED.ORG
Can you share any interesting stories from your medical career? OF COURSE!
I SUPPOSE THE MOST INTERESTING STORIES IS ONE DAY I WAS WORKING AT AIM,
WHEN THE PHONE RANG, AND THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END ASKED, "DR. MITCHE,
HOW MANY CHOP STICKS CAN I SAFELY INSERT IN MY WIFE FOR THIS VIDEO?" I
THOUGHT, NOW WHERE IN ALL MY TRAINING AND EDUCATION WOULD I HAVE LEARNED
THAT?? SO I SAID "I'M NOT SURE, BUT MAKE SURE THEY ARE STERILE PLASTIC,
AND ALWAYS INSERT FROM THE MIDDLE". (IT TURNED OUT TO BE OVER 200!!)
How did you get started in your career?I WAS DOING A TV SOAP OPERA IN NEW
YORK CITY, WHEN MY LEGITIMATE AGENT ASKED ME, DID I WANT TO DO A SEX FILM?
I SAID SURE! I SHOT "THAT LADY FROM RIO", WITH VANESSA DEL RIO", AND LOVED
IT! I STAYED FOR 21 YEARS!
We've seen you interviewed on numerous documentaries and reality shows.
Why do you think people respect you so much? WELL, I SUPPOSE IT IS MY
JOURNEY, I'VE COME FROM BEING A PORN STAR, I'VE BEEN A DRUG ADDICT, TO
BECOMING A DOCTOR, I THINK FOLKS LIKE TO HEAR SUCCESS STORIES, AND IT
SEEMS TO INSPIRE PEOPLE.
Haven't you been a driving force or in establishing self-imposed industry
standards? What have you done? I HAVE BEEN DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN STARTING
THE ONLY ADULT INDUSTRY CLINICAL TESTING STANDARDS THAT EXIST FOR HIV, STD
SCREENING, AS WELL AS COUNSELING PROGRAMS FOR DRUG AND ALCOHOL AND "LIFE
AFTER PORN COUNSELING AND SCHOLARSHIPS. (AND AGAIN, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
WRITE ALL THE STANDARDS THEY ARE CLEARLY LISTED ON
Where do you see yourself in five years? HOPEFULLY PARTIALLY RETIRED,
AFTER TAKING AIM GLOBAL, ALONG WITH SXCHECK, MY OTHER ONLINE CLINIC FOR
THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
If you had one wish, what would you change about the adult industry? I
WISH THAT TALENT COULD GET RESIDUALS FOR THE GOOD WORK THAT THEY DO, SO
THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR THE TIME THEY SENT IN PORN. NOT MANY FOLKS
SAVE THEIR MONEY WHILE THEY ARE IN THE INDUSTRY, SO I BELIEVE THAT IT
I saw you in a biography when you gave a test to Ron Jeremy. How do you
think HIV has changed the adult industry? IN ONE SENSE I KNOW IT HAS MADE
THE INDUSTRY SAFER, AS WE SEE HIV EVERY MONTH AT AIM FROM TALENT WHO IS
TESTING FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND THANK GOD THAT THEY ARE REQUIRED TO GET AN
AIM TEST, BEFORE THEY WORK, OR HIV WOULD CLEARLY BE TRANSMITTED, AND
PROBLEM, IF THEY HAD NOT TESTED WITH US FIRST. IN ANOTHER SENSE I FEEL
THAT THE TESTING GIVES TALENT A "FALSE SENSE" OF SECURITY, AS THEY FEEL
THEY ARE BULLET PROOF IF THEY HAVE OR WORK WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A NEGATIVE
TEST. AS THESE TESTS ARE ONLY GOOD FOR 12 DAYS BEFORE TO THE DAY THAT
THEY ARE DRAWN. TALENT CAN STILL CATCH HIV, AND WE COULDN'T FIND IT UNTIL
12 DAYS AFTER EXPOSURE, AND SOMEONE COULD STILL BE WORKING AND SPREAD HIV
DURING THE 30 DAYS THAT THEY GO IN BETWEEN TESTING. YES, IT'S A SHORT
WINDOW PERIOD, AND WE DO CATCH HIV VERY EARLY, BUT AIM'S TESTING PROGRAM
IS MEANT TO STOP THE SPREAD OF AN INDUSTRY OUTBREAK EARLY, WE CANNOT
PREVENT IT FROM ENTERING, WHEN PEOPLE HAVE OUTSIDE RISKY BEHAVIOR IN THEIR
Do you have a website? DRSHARONMITCHELL.COM, SXCHECK,
How can people contact your facility? SXCHECK.COM & AIM -MED.ORG, AND
TEST ONLINE, OR CALL (818) 981-5681, What services do you offer? HIV,STD
TESTING AND TREATMENT AND COUNSELING, DRUG AND ALCOHOL PROGRAMS, COUPLES
AND INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING, ONLINE TESTING, AND OF COURSE, GENERAL, AND
GYNECOLOGICAL MEDICAL HEALTH CARE AS WE HAVE DOCTORS ON STAFF 5 DAYS EACH
WEEK. AIM IS A WALK IN FACILITY SO NO APPOINTMENT IS NECESSARY.
Are there a lot of STDs in the adult industry? NO, DUE TO THE CONSTANT
SCREENING IT'S ABOUT 2%, IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC FOR THE SAME AGE RANGE IT'S
ABOUT 12%, SO WE ARE CONSIDERABLY LOWER THAN THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
Are there any companies that you think do the best job of caring for their
performers? WICKED, OBVIOUSLY, AS THEY ARE CONDOM ONLY, AND AS A
CLINICIAN, I HAVE TO SAY THAT IS ABOUT AS SAFE AS ONE COULD BE, TESTING
Is there anything else that you would like to say to the 20,000 of our
monthly readers? YES! GET TESTED REGULARLY FOR HIV AND STDS IF YOU ARE
SEXUALLY ACTIVE! AND BE KIND TO YOUR FELLOW MAN, AS THE WORLD GROWS
SMALLER, PEOPLE ARE LOOSING PATIENCE, SO BE HAPPY, SLOW DOWN, AND SMELL
THE FLOWERS WHILE THERE ARE SOME LEFT!! STAY SAFE AND SEXY, DR. SHARON
Well, thanks for your time. Good luck in the future.
Read AIM's performer responsibility sheet
Newest Issue |
Exclusive Interview with Konnan
better known by his
Konnan, is a semi-retired
is very well-known in
and has been described as "the Mexican
reflecting his mainstream popularity. He has also wrestled for major
such as the
World Wrestling Federation,
World Championship Wrestling,
Extreme Championship Wrestling.
Konnan is currently employed by the
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling
promotion, where he is currently the manager of the
Latin American Exchange.
He is also facing some major health issues.
how are you doing today?
As you may know,
afro-squad.com has become extremely popular lately... but probably not as
popular as Konnan. Why do you think that you and TNA (Total Nonstop
Action) are so popular these days?
I think TNA is
popular because it is new and they are giving new people a chance to
What do you see for
the future of TNA?
I hope TNA will expand
internationally. I also hope that TNA will get more than one hour of
prime time TV.
You are one of the best "talkers" in wrestling. How did you get your start
on a microphone?
I don't know. I
have always been very comfortable in front of a microphone. In WCW Terry
Taylor gave me my first opportunity to talk, and I took it from there.
do you consider your best match?
I have had a lot of
great ones, and I have had a lot of bad ones. I loved working with Eddie
Guerrero and Rey Mysterio the most.
What has been your most painful injury? A lot of them have been
painful. I had torn triceps, a torn bicep, a hip replacement, broken
fingers , a fractured wrist, and many more.
You are a huge name in Mexico, so what brought you to the United States?
The simple answer is ECW.
Did you enjoy your time working with 3 Live Crew? Can you tell us about
Yes, I did enjoy
it. I am good friends with B.G. James,
and we have good chemistry. Unfortunately, TNA never did anything with
us. They just let us die.
Where do you see yourself in a few years?
I see myself helping run
AAA in Mexico.
If you had creative control of TNA, is there anything you would change?
I would change a lot of things. First, there would be more
wrestling. Second, there would be less skits.
Do you have any products, schools, or websites that you would like to
Is there anything else you would like to say to our fans?
the support! I always try to entertain the fans. That's what I get paid
Well, thanks for your time!
to Put Condoms In the Picture
May 2, 2004
By Dr. Sharon Mirchell
Another young performer in pornographic
movies tested positive for H.I.V. last week. She is the third to do so in
the last month, prompting a 60-day industry-wide halt to filming so that
actors can be tested and re-tested for the virus. The testing has taken
place at the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation, the
organization I founded in 1998 to provide sex-film performers counseling
and testing for sexually transmitted diseases. Each month we give about
1,200 actors a test that can identify H.I.V. as early as 14 days after
infection. We also test for Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis.
It's very difficult to get sex-film actors
to adhere to any regulation, but most of the performers follow our rules
when the rest of the industry ? the producers, directors and distributors
? cooperates. They are the "parents" in this business, since a number of
the people who act in these films are not emotionally healthy. Some are
young and troubled, and their careers are short: the typical sex-film
actor works in the industry for three months to three years.
The self-policing has worked. Two of the
largest film companies, Vivid and Wicked Pictures, regularly use condoms
and the other companies will if the actors insist on it. In 80,000 tests
my organization has conducted since 1998, there have been only 14
diagnoses of H.I.V. infection. We're doing an excellent job. But if a
crusading government takes advantage of the three positive diagnoses to
try to shut down the industry or mandate condoms, it won't work. The
segment of the industry that refuses to use condoms will simply go
Man's Forces in Detroit
by the Red Ninja
Michigan (Reuters) - $nowMan battled the Man's forces east of Detroit as
ninjas in the capital killed 13 henchmen of the Man in Lansing.
Hundreds of the Man's cronies have
converged on Detroit. Trying to rid the streets of our heroes, the
AfroSquad. The latest violence came as the Man prepared to launch a
Public Dick-backed hoe crackdown in the D' aimed at stemming the
incredible fun associated with the AfroSquad.
The governor of Michigan said the
Man's cronies fought AfroSquad in an effort to keep the brothers down.
He stated, "Michigan supports AfroSquad. They are bringing fine bootie
to the state. Since James Brown died, they are the only funk we have
"There is a conspiracy to
kill the AfroSquad!" the governor said. "If we lose AfroSquad, then
tourism in this state is dead. We'd be like a Pamela Anderson without
boobs. We'd be useless."
Honored in Parade with Mr. T
by the NinjaPimp
Washington, D.C. Feb 26. An AfroSquad
contingent, serving a three-year stint with the D.C. Cab Company, hung out
with Mr. T at the annual NinjaPimp Day parade.
Clad in the ceremonial uniform of the
D.C. Cab Company - gold funk jackets, black afros, and reaking of the
smell of fine poon - Captain Krazyman and the $nowMan proudly led Mr. T
past President George W. Bush, at the two-hour long event.
The D.C. Cab Company is the only taxi
service devoted solely to delivering hoes. "We deliver more hot bootie
than a pirate ship on fire," said $nowMan.
$nowMan is the white grandson of James
Brown. He was commissioned into the elite D.C. Cab Company two years ago,
after graduating from the Taxi Industry Training Symposium (TITS).
"I learned so much from the TITS,"
SnowMan has said. "If it wasn't for TITS, I wouldn't be the man I am
According to KrazyMan, TITS are a family
tradition. "My grandfather loved TITS. My father (the Crown Prince of
Funk) enjoyed TITS every weekend from 1970 to 1983," he explained.
in Hot Water
by the KrazyMan
When SpongeBob puts his grill back on,
he'll have a clean, dry surface on which to place it.
The reigning Pimp of the Year (POTY)
checked out of the Pennsylvania Institute anti-Metrosexual Pimps
(PIMP) rehab facility Sunday and is back at his KrazyMan Plaza
apartment, a rep for the AfroSquad confirmed.
Spokesman KrazyMan, however, denied a report that Bob was planning on
attending a welcome back social at Starbucks, a locale where
the youngster was once spotted consuming vanilla latte and engaging in
other behavior unbecoming of a pimp.
"Right now he's got to get used to the honey," a source close to the
situation told the New York Daily News. "Later on, he has to get used to
After almost losing his crunk cup last month in the wake of reports that
chronicled his "Ryan Seacrest-like" ways, Bob, who has denied being a
wuss, spent the past few weeks mulling over where he went wrong.
Pimp of the Year co-owner $nowMan, who deigned to give Bob a second
chance if he promised to enter PIMP rehab to get his mack on, predicted
that people would soon be "talkin 'bout SpongeBob like they used to be
talkin' about Jesus."
"All bitches are the same, just like my hoes, they wake up and realize
they are worth something... they are likely to go crazy!" Bob said after
the press conference, in an attempt to prove that he is still a real
Although $nowMan has not taken the POTY award
away from Bob, rumor has it that if Bob slips up again he'll be relieved
of his POTY title.
The Players' Ball History
by the Red Ninja
Players Ball is an annual gathering of
The party has been a November tradition since 1974, when pimps from across
the country gathered to celebrate the birthday of pimp Don Juan now known
Bishop Don Magic Juan.
Every year, the award for "Pimp of the Year" is given out. Juan was the
winner 13 years in a row.
The Players' Ball is the second oldest "Pimp of the Year" awards ceremony
in the country.
Pimp of the Year awards date back to 1970.
The Player's Ball
stemmed from a scene in the
in which the lead character, a pimp named Goldie, attends The Players Ball
The Players' Ball
was also depicted in the 1999
Other Players' Balls take place across the country, most notably in
non-pimp Players' Ball started some years ago in
as a private party for businesses attending the
AVN Adult Entertainment Expo.
The event is organized by D-Money. Past events have featured
LL Cool J,
the Protagons and
to the Protagons
The Protagons are a small group of artists and scientists dedicated to
making original music and bizarre multimedia projects. This web site is
still in its larval state and has very little content, but there will be
plenty to see before 2007.
We are the sole
provider of music and cheesy special effects for the new episodes of
is sort of a preview of things to come, but definitely worth watching.
We have an album
in the works. The first beats for it were written in 1998. By the time the
project is done, it will probably be classified as 'unintentional retro.'
The Hoe Depot dives as Hoe's thrives.
by the NinjaPimp
Steady management a key to Hoes, the
one-stop Hoe emporium designed in the image of Lowes. When Hoe
Depot Inc.'s former chief executive, $nowMan, resigned earlier this
month, industry insiders rushed to question all that had gone wrong at
the nation's No. 1 hoe retailer.
Among them: Management blunders, shaky customer service and a plummeting
"We overestimated the desire for a
variety of hoes." SnowMan said. "We got smelly hoes, we got hairy
hoes, bloody hoes, we got snappin' hoes, we got silk hoes, velvet hoes,
Naugahyde hoes, we even got horse hoes, dog hoes, chicken hoes! Come on,
you want hoes, come on in, hoes lovers! If we don't got it, you don't
want it! Come on in, hoe lovers!"
Meanwhile, Funkytown-based Hoe's Companies Inc., Hoe Depot's fiercest
competitor, has found itself the sudden recipient of Wall Street's
How did Hoe's put itself ahead of the
competition in the eyes of investors?
"In general, we focus on Hoe
accessories," said KrazyMan, Hoes Chief Executive Pimp. "Our hardware
section alone offers a variety of high tech strap-on devices, electric
whips, self-locking chains, metallic thongs, and grills. Our pharmacy
department offers several bootie ointments, anti-viral topical lubes,
anti-stank perfumes, and spackle to cover unsightly sores."
"We aren't just about hoes," KrazyMan
continues. "We cater to pimps too. For them, we offer next-generation adamanthium
pimp sticks. And for your wife, we offer
Hoestess Big Dongs!"