253 Comments
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/-3Vq_jkFwyQ/video_18409_the-3-worst-lessons-rocky-movies-taught-us.html
No matter whom you voted for, you support your president. Especially if it’s President Bujar Nishani, kicking ass and transitioning the Albanian economy to a free market model since July 2012.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/_V1imNQH5mo/
Kim Kardashian’s new baby, Kimye, signed a twenty-one year deal for a reality show.
Kim Kardashian has just given birth. Kanye and Kim became parents and Kanye missed his own record release party after Kardashian reported feeling unwell.
No details have yet been released about the baby girl other than Kim gave birth at Cedars-Sinai this morning, approximately 5 weeks before her due date.
BUT, the Kardashian family proudly announced a groundbreaking 21 year reality show deal for the new baby girl. ”We will be following Kim’s baby girl – for 21 years. America will watch her learn how to walk, to talk, go to school, get her first boyfriend, and, possibly – have her own baby too.”
Bravo executives said that this is the longest TV deal in the history of television. ”We know that American will follow the baby for at least 21 years. We are confident that she will become an even bigger reality celebrity than her mother.”
Kim Kardashian, whose divorce from Kris Humphries was legally finalized on June 4, and Kanye West announced in December that they were expecting a baby. On the premiere episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” last Sunday it was confirmed that the couple was expecting a girl.
This is the first child for both Kim Kardashian, 32, and Kanye West, 36. West’s new CD “Yeezus” is set for release on June 18.
Kanye West and Kris Jenner were in the emergency room with Kim when she gave birth. None of the Kardashian or Jenner sisters have tweeted anything regarding the birth of their niece.
Kim and the baby are reportedly doing well. She did deliver about five weeks early at Cedars Sinai Medical Center.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/56562/kimye-baby-gets-own-reality-show/
Everybody wants to eat healthy! Eventually! When we, uh, finally get around to it! Come on, how hard can it really be to give up junk food?
About as easy as kicking heroin, it turns out. The garbage we cram into our bodies is every bit as addictive as any controlled substance, and food companies have been playing us as slobbering addicts for as long as we’ve been alive.
#3. Companies Already Think of You as a Junkie
While nobody ever binges on boiled carrots and Brussels sprouts, potato chips are described as the perfect addictive food — essentially the nutritional equivalent of a speedball. Why? Because they were deliberately designed that way.
When you first pop a chip into your mouth, the coating of salt and fat light up the brain’s pleasure centers like a Christmas tree. The starch in the potato causes the same glucose spike as sugar, but is absorbed into the bloodstream much more quickly. That spike then immediately dips, making you want another potato chip. You can just keep eating them, and because there’s no real substance to them, your stomach never gets full. The reasoning behind the “you can’t eat just one” mantra is pretty much the same reason you can’t be a casual meth user.
Brand X Pictures/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
If you stare at these too long, “Born Slippy” starts playing subliminally in your head.
The addictive quality of food isn’t something incidental that companies just happen to benefit from — they’re aware of the phenomenon, and they’ve been playing the market in the exact same way drug pushers do. Within Coca-Cola, the 20 percent of customers who drink 80 percent of their product are actually known as “heavy users,” and the company has made it its mission to specifically target them. And the goal has always been to get you more addicted. They’re basically drug-dealing supervillains from a Michael Bay movie, only better written.
Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
The only better racket would be convincing people to pay you for aging.
#2. Most “Healthy Foods” Are Packed With Hidden Crap
Food companies have been dumping sugar into absolutely everything you eat, from yogurt to wheat bread. It’s not only junk food binge eaters that are getting addicted, it’s anyone who doesn’t have their own vegetable patch and private herd of steers.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Resist the urge to name him, it’ll make it that much harder.
Eighty percent of food sold in America has processed sugar, and processed sugar has 56 different names. So even if you’re deliberately trying to avoid processed sugar, odds are you won’t even know you’re buying it unless you write down “galactose” and “rapadura” on some flash cards and quiz yourself like you’re studying for the goddamned MCATs.
Polka Dot Images/Polka Dot/Getty Images
“Let’s just market it as ‘orgasmatol.’”
Even if something doesn’t taste “sweet,” it can still be packed with chemicals that your body will immediately turn into sugar. And taking that junk out makes everything taste like bullshit to us, because our taste buds have been numbed with salt and sugar our entire lives. One journalist described the taste of sugar- and salt-free Kellogg’s cornflakes as like trying to eat his own fillings — and that’s cornflakes, the kind of food that seems like it has barely any sugar to begin with.
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
This is what it looks like to live life on the edge.
But at least you’re avoiding high fructose corn syrup, the most common form of processed sweetener and the bane of anybody nominally interested in wellness, right? Good luck with that — neuroscientists recently observed that exposing lab rats to high fructose corn syrup brought about behavioral changes similar to those produced by addictive drugs like cocaine. Somewhere out there, Mrs. Butterworth is sitting languidly at a mahogany desk, slowly dunking her face into a giant vat of syrup while “Push It to the Limit” blasts at 130 decibels.
#1. There’s a Lot of Money in Convincing You That the Above Isn’t True
We’ve previously discussed how your brain will do everything it can to trick you into thinking you aren’t really addicted to something. Food company executives who depend on your money to pay for their private jets are taking full advantage of this fact.
For example, Fox News recently ran a piece titled “Junk Food Might Not Be Addictive After All.” They interviewed a scientist who discussed a study he had conducted wherein rats were given junk food. After the rats had gorged themselves to a ridiculous weight, the junk food was taken away and replaced with healthy food. Rather than eat the healthy food, the rats chose to starve themselves for two weeks. The rats would even intentionally subject themselves to electric shocks to get to the junk food, even though the healthy food could’ve been eaten without enduring a painful burst of electrocution. You may recognize this as, oh, the textbook definition of addiction.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
“I’m not an addict. Not as long as there are plenty of Doritos around.”
However, the scientist concluded the interview by saying that technically the food didn’t have the exact same chemical effect on the rats’ brains as addictive drugs, so the headline became “junk food might not be addictive.” See, market analysts know that once something is generally considered to be “addictive,” people will actively prevent their children from being exposed to it.
And the entire business model of major food companies is to get you chemically dependent on their product from early childhood, so as long as fast food chains and soft drink corporations and the like keep dumping billions of dollars into advertising deals with mass media conglomerates, we’re likely to see this information continue to be downplayed or flat-out ignored for years to come. Might as well go have a Coke and a smile.
Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
“I’d be a corporate whistle-blower, but the clown and the violet ogre put a bomb in my brain.”
J.F. Sargent is writing a sci-fi comedy action story you can read for free. You can also reach him on Twitter, his website, or Facebook.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/4j-Y7YcU3x0/
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/g7ykEmolvIs/
Summertime is here, ladies, and we all know what that means: killer pool parties, driving with the top down, and shaving your “lady lawn” into ridiculous shapes! At least that’s the sentiment over at Schick Quattro for Women, a product burdened with the Herculean task of finding new and exciting ways of encouraging women in a public forum to decorate their mons pubis.
And given that they’re saddled with job pressures comparable to those of a door-to-door merkin salesman, it’s unsurprising to discover that the folks at Schick have completely cracked under the stress. The evidence? The “Prune for June” initiative, a pubic-hair-shaving competition that manages to make no sense whatsoever.
Schick Quattro
“I’m Don Draper, you’re Don Draper, we’re all Don Draper!” -the Schick ad team, minutes before they were all fired
Yup, the contest goes like this: To start, any lady over the age of 18 is eligible to choose from one of five “topiary” styles to best reflect her own personality, from “The Bare-Muda Triangle” to a disconcerting lightning shape lifted from Nazi (CENSORED) movies:
Prune for June
They were going to go with “The Selleck,” but he threatened to press charges.
Just in case you’re having trouble picking a suitable hairdo for your crotch, they’ve also gone ahead and paired each pubic cutout with a spunky attitude and style to go along with it. For example, “The Flash” is the rebel of the group …
Prune for June
“AH-AHHHH! He’ll shave every one of us!”
… while “The Heart Breaker” is apparently Zooey Deschanel.
Prune for June
“You’re also the worst Planeteer.”
After you’ve correctly chosen what personality best reflects your genitals, Step 2 is to create a Pinterest board based on your selected shape. No, that doesn’t mean you have to collect images of vaginas from the Internet and post them to Pinterest (that’s what 73 percent of Tumblr is, after all). In this case, you merely have to go with stuff that reminds you of meticulously shorn vaginas, we guess. So if your pubic hair is shaped like a lightning bolt, you’d probably want to post pictures of Doc Brown or electric chairs or something like that.
Afterward, strangers as young as 13 years old (according to the official rules) will vote for their favorite assortment of photos that bring to mind pubic hair — Hoover Dam, Thomas Edison, Mjolnir — and the winners will come away with various prizes that are also vaguely themed around their pubic preference. For example, if you chose the heart shape, then you’re clearly some sentimental cry-factory, so you get a flower pillow and ice cream holder so you don’t freeze your pretty little hands while watching Drew Barrymore movies and eating Haagen-Dazs on the couch.
Pinterest
You also get the complete Reese Witherspoon Criterion Collection on Blu-ray.
And of course, if you raze your junk into a star shape, then you must like stars, so you get a bunch of shit with stars on it because, well, you like astronomy or astrology or something.
Pinterest
Although technically, we guess those are actually vagina shapes.
Other prizes make less sense — what does the hat the lawyer wore in Jurassic Park have to do with the Bare-Muda Triangle style? Why does “The Landing Strip” get a big pillow with a D on it? Of course, this free-association contest itself is fundamentally flawed, since there’s no way to verify if the participants are in fact adopting the styles, if contestants are shaving with Quattro razors, or if this promotion was the result of a bunch of MBA students who went to a Senor Frogs with a wipeboard and scrawled “SOCIAL MEDIA + VAGINAS = [crude drawing of Uncle Scrooge's money bin, with Launchpad McQuack piloting a biplane in the background].”
In any case, we can’t wait for the inevitable men’s version from Gillette, “Shave Your Dick for Dickcember.”
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/Owy9VmQaMNQ/
Michael Jackson’s ghost appeared in court today and declared his death an accident.
Jackson’s Ghost, 50, was speaking to the court through Lionel Richie’s ex-wife, Brenda. She was “channeling” Michael’s ghosts.
Jackson’s family is blaming concert corporation, AEG – for the death of Michael. They are alleging negligence and blame the company for hiring doctor Conrad Murray — since jailed for giving Jackson a fatal sedative overdose in 2009
Randy Phillips, CEO of AEG Live, however, claimed the legendary star had insisted from beyond the grave that his death was an accident, thus clearing Dr Conrad Murray, who has been jailed for delivering a fatal overdose of a sedative in 2009.
Speaking to members of the jury at the Los Angeles County Superior Court , Mr Phillips is said to have claimed the supernatural encounter was delivered via his friend Brenda Richie, the ex-wife of musician Lionel Richie.
“Brenda called me to tell me that she was in communications with Michael, either through a medium or directly. She said Michael told her it wasn’t Dr Murray’s fault – that he had accidentally killed himself.’
It said: ‘I think I know what MJ died of and this would exonerate Conrad.’
A lawyer representing the Jackson family reportedly objected to the evidence, claiming it was ‘triple hearsay’, as the conversation was relayed to Branda Richie through the assistance of a medium. But the judge let the evidence stand nonetheless.
Jackson was close to both Lionel and Brenda throughout his life, and was godfather to their adopted daughter, Nicole Richie, 31.
When the AEG lawyers continued to object, Michael Jackson’s Ghost appeared in the courtroom and, after dancing for five minutes, testified himself.
Michael’s Ghost told the judge that he never intended to die. He said that he asked the Doctor to help him sleep and the doctor accidentally gave him a “little too much.”
Michael also told the court that he is “happy in the afterlife” and is spending most of his time with “Elvis, Marilyn and Liz.”
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/56548/michael-jacksons-ghost-testifies-in-trial/
229 Comments
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/FKJQe5g82uI/video_18585_inside-head-female-being-hit-by-douche.html
229 Comments
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/FKJQe5g82uI/video_18585_inside-head-female-being-hit-by-douche.html
With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, Onion Sports examines highlights from the 120-year-old NHL championship series.
- 1893: A combined 458 spectators turn out to witness the Stanley Cup Finals in its first year, a record that stands to this day
- 1950: The Red Wings defeat the Rangers in a Game 7 double-overtime thriller, disappointing hockey fans who resent wealthy Detroit spending lavishly on players unattainable by teams in smaller, poorer markets like New York City
- 1970: After scoring the game-winning goal in the deciding game of the Stanley Cup, Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr frustrates his competitors and teammates alike by forcing them to repeatedly pose for a perfect photo to commemorate the event
- 1981: Though outscored 4-3 by the Flyers in Game 7, the Oilers take the game and the Cup in a controversial split decision from the judges
- 1992: The Penguins win and leading goal scorer Mario Lemieux is crowned Lord Stanley for a second consecutive year
- 1994: Suffering from a 54-year Stanley Cup drought, the Rangers become the first team in New York sports history to be somewhat palatable championship winners
- 2001: After a 21-year career and over 1,800 games in the NHL, Ray Bourque finally lifts the Stanley Cup trophy for the first time and suddenly realizes he pretty much wasted his entire life
- 2008: First televised Stanley Cup Finals
- 2011: The Boston Bruins take off their helmets after their Game 7 win to reveal that they are all beautiful blonde women, forever ensuring gender equality in hockey
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/HZe5ak_txwE/
With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, Onion Sports examines highlights from the 120-year-old NHL championship series.
- 1893: A combined 458 spectators turn out to witness the Stanley Cup Finals in its first year, a record that stands to this day
- 1950: The Red Wings defeat the Rangers in a Game 7 double-overtime thriller, disappointing hockey fans who resent wealthy Detroit spending lavishly on players unattainable by teams in smaller, poorer markets like New York City
- 1970: After scoring the game-winning goal in the deciding game of the Stanley Cup, Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr frustrates his competitors and teammates alike by forcing them to repeatedly pose for a perfect photo to commemorate the event
- 1981: Though outscored 4-3 by the Flyers in Game 7, the Oilers take the game and the Cup in a controversial split decision from the judges
- 1992: The Penguins win and leading goal scorer Mario Lemieux is crowned Lord Stanley for a second consecutive year
- 1994: Suffering from a 54-year Stanley Cup drought, the Rangers become the first team in New York sports history to be somewhat palatable championship winners
- 2001: After a 21-year career and over 1,800 games in the NHL, Ray Bourque finally lifts the Stanley Cup trophy for the first time and suddenly realizes he pretty much wasted his entire life
- 2008: First televised Stanley Cup Finals
- 2011: The Boston Bruins take off their helmets after their Game 7 win to reveal that they are all beautiful blonde women, forever ensuring gender equality in hockey
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/HZe5ak_txwE/
You probably know Sean Parker as the guy Justin Timberlake played in The Social Network. Remember him? He helped make Napster and was a huge dick to Spider-Man.
Anyway, to demonstrate that he has zero interest in distancing himself from that douchetastic image, Parker got married last week in an elaborate Lord of the Rings-style enchanted forest wedding of his own design that cost more money than any of us will ever even see.
The wedding ended up illegally trampling a national park in the process, proving once and for all that fairy tales only come true for the tooliest toolbags in the Tooliverse. Here are the sordid details.
Mark Seliger
All hail the Duke and Duchess of Douchton Abbey.
#4. He Spent a Million Dollars to Put Extra Plants in a Forest
In order for Parker and his bride to get married in the Shire, he threw down $600,000 for the wedding gate, $350,000 for the outdoor dance floors, and a whopping $1 million for the freaking flowers.
Then he shelled out nearly $10 million to build an artificial pond, a stone bridge, elevated floors, and castle ruins and plant 125 imported trees and flowers. Keep in mind, the service took place in California’s Redwood National Forest, which is where they filmed Return of the Jedi — Parker planted extra trees on the forest moon of Endor because it wasn’t quite woodsy enough for his big day.
Michael Schweppe
All of the Ewoks were forcefully relocated to an unventilated shipping container outside of Fresno.
#3. All the Guests Looked Perfect (Because They Were Forced To)
Instead of leaving guests an acceptable attire list on the RSVP, Parker hired Oscar-winning Lord of the Rings costume designer Ngila Dickson to make costumes for every one of his 300 guests to fit in with the arboreal surroundings.
Although nobody was literally walking around in a wizard hat or a mithril cape, the outfits were “based on modern suits and dresses with some elements of Victorian flair and whimsy.” This is as good a time as any to point out that Sting was on the guest list, because Sting himself is based on modern suits with elements of Victorian flair and whimsy.
David Shankbone
Pictured here moments before being carried away by pixies.
The guests had absolutely no choice in the matter — no one was permitted to enter unless they were wearing their Tolkiened-up duds.
#2. He Flagrantly Ignored the Law Because He Was “Following His Dream”
According to Parker, he and his wife had “always dreamed of getting married in Big Sur, one of the most magical places on earth.” And if you have the net worth of Scrooge McDuck to make your dreams come true, why shouldn’t you go for it?
ValleyWag
“The natural beauty of an unspoiled forest is fine, but draping shit all over everything is where it’s really at.”
Well, because the California Coastal Commission is pretty serious about their redwood forests, considering that they’ve been declared a World Heritage Site, alongside the pyramids and the Taj Mahal. In all his whimsical million-dollar-flower buying, Parker never bothered to actually get a permit to have his wedding in the forest, because despite being a self-proclaimed master of law, it didn’t occur to him that bumbling around a conservation site to set up bridges for his LARP wedding might be breaking a few regulations.
California Coastal Commission
Those Porta-Potties just blend right in.
In the end, he had to pay an additional $2.5 million in fines, which is meaningless to him since he is a billionaire. Anyway, it’s not like he did any permanent damage to the forest, right?
#1. He Completely Destroyed the Forest in the Process
The irony of building your own enchanted forest in the middle of a pre-existing forest is that you have to get the original forest out of the way. With bulldozers.
California Coastal Commission
“Mystical bulldozers.”
That’s from the California Coastal Commission’s report on the wedding, which found that not only did Parker not have a single permit to build any of that fantasy bullshit for his wedding, including the artificial pond and bridge, but he took zero erosion prevention measures during construction, which caused sedimentation and runoff to spill into a nearby creek. That may sound nitpicky, but the redwood forest is an ecological china shop full of endangered plants and animals — that creek is home to a threatened species of fish. Not to mention the fact that Parker built several structures directly into the F*CKing redwood trees, which are protected by law.
California Coastal Commission
“We had to shoot, like, six Loraxes. But it was worth it.”
You aren’t supposed to build anything at all in a national park, and it doesn’t take an encyclopedic knowledge of the American legal system to figure that out. But it does take a billion dollars and a cosmically inflated sense of self-importance to ignore all of that for the sake of your fairy tale wedding. There’s probably a moral in here somewhere, but we’re pretty sure that sucks, too.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/BgVHHiYrBvg/
Scientists have discovered a rat infestation on Mars.
Nasa’s Mars rover Curiosity took a photo of a rat on Mars in early May. Some dismissed it as an optical illusion, that it was just a rock, but NASA has reportedly confirmed now that it was indeed a rat.
AND in the last few days, NASA has reportedly found that there was not just one rat on Mars – there are thousands of rats on Mars. They are not sure how the rats got on the red planet… but many feel that rats are the first beings that come to life on any planet.
Yes it really does look like a rat. Of course it’s probably just a rock but let’s face it, that’s a boring conclusion. The internet is full of theories about the “rat”. Like for example, maybe it is a rat. Has Nasa released the rat on Mars as part of a secret experiment to see if the planet supports life? Huh? Is it a lab rat? Or is it a Martian?
It is ironic that there are rats on Mars. For years we have used rats in experimental studies to further the scientific advancement of humankind. We’ve poked them, prodded them and even injected them with diseases and supposed cures. There’s probably no other animal, apart from their cousins the mice, that humans have taken more advantage of for ourselves.
It has been somewhat of a war since the beginning of time for us and them. They hit us first with the biggest blow by spreading the Black Death back in 1348-50. The plague killed an estimated 200 million people and it took a century and a half for Europe’s population to recover.
In the 16th century it was our turn to hit back at the rat. We did it with a cool looking German bloke who had a pipe. The Pied Piper of Hamelin was an expert rat-catcher. No one knows exactly how he did it but there’s a lot of speculation surrounding the general magic-ness of his pipe and colourful garments. Needless to say he got rid of all the rats in the town. Sad story short though, no one fronted up with the cash so he used his pipe to evacuate all the children as well!
Since then the rats have come back ten-fold. They’re all around us. And they are on Mars, and Venus and… maybe even the sun!
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/56517/mars-rat/
197 Comments
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/qcNFfzXpNo8/video_18423_4-stories-that-prove-cracked-staff-fights-dirty.html
WASHINGTON—According to a report out today, 250 million Americans are still scrambling to find someone to appear on their podcasts this week, as the guests they would normally book either just appeared on last week’s episode or are too busy hosting their own shows. “I’ve been trying to book my brother-in-law, who occasionally watches Mad Men and could probably fill some time talking about that, but he just called and said he has to guest-host his buddy’s podcast,” said Robert Healy, host of The TV Robcast and one of the quarter billion podcasters nationwide who cannot secure a guest with whom to engage in 45 minutes of inane banter about politics, food, stand-up comedy, or rock music. “I could run a ‘Best Of Robcast’ special, but I did that last week, and I want to keep it fresh.” The report also stated that no podcasters will consider simply not releasing an episode this week, as not one of them wants to risk losing any of the 14 listeners they have been steadily cultivating for the past year and a half.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/kOm3bpPhDz8/
