John Edward McGee, Jr. (born October 19, 1969) is an American television personality, and psychic medium. He is best known for his TV shows Crossing Over with John Edward and John Edward Cross Country, both of which are premised on Edward communicating with the spirits of the audience members’ deceased relatives (Wikipedia).  He is commonly known as John Edward.

Johnny Reid “John” Edwards[2] (born June 10, 1953) is an American politician who served as a U.S. Senator from North Carolina. He was the Democratic nominee for Vice President in 2004, and was a candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2004 and 2008.

John Edward was the reigning “Biggest Douche in the Universe” and subsequent “Biggest Douche in the World.”  Nominated primarily for his pseudo psychic communication abilities that many regard as “a carnival charade aimed at taking advantage of the grieving.”

Unfortunately for Edward, there is a new douche on the streets who has already snatched his title as the Biggest Douche in the World.   Politician John Edwards was first nominated for the Biggest Douche in the World when he cheated on his terminally ill wife.  After the subsequent cover up, pregnancy,  lies, divorce, and denial of paternity, the politician won the world title.

“I’m not a douche,” said John Edwards, who continued his douchey ways.  “I am a politician, so by default I am not a douche.”

The Biggest Douche in the Universe title will be decided later this year, but Edwards is the odds on favorite.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Etsy.com, a website dedicated to homemade products, recently announced a new line of flavored “Vegan Vulva Lip Balm.”  In other words, it is a homemade flavored ointment made to keep your vaginal lips moist, and it is not made of animal materials.  (We aren’t making that up.)

Flavors include vanilla lavender, cherry, honey, and berry.  Despite requests by A.N.U.S. staff, many flavors are still unavailable.  “We requested more natural berry flavors, like ’dingle,” but the product’s creator didn’t think it would sell well.”

Other unsuccessful flavors include fish oil, fromunda cheese, and (for the fatty) bacon.

Popularity: 6% [?]

The social service group and lightning rod for GOP outrage is undergoing a makeover that has led its New York branch to cut all ties with the national parent group.

ACORN in New York will now be called New York Communities for Change. Its progressive mission – and leadership team – will remain largely the same, officials of the new organization said yesterday.

ACORN became the focus of a conservative crusade last year after some of its staffers appeared to be giving tax advice to a pair of undercover videographers posing as a pimp and a prostitute.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2010/02/23/2010-02-23_acorn_name_switch.html#ixzz0gevClTtO

Popularity: 3% [?]

Iron Man, Back in the Day!!!

Popularity: 12% [?]

A duck named Edwina, believed to be the oldest recorded living duck in the United Kingdom, has died at the age of 22. The mallard was first discovered by Ian Knight and Christine Christopher in a lake near their residence in the market town of Ringwood in Hampshire, England. Edwina, as she was later called, had been attacked by her family and abandoned by her own mother.

Ian helped the duck to recover its health and, after a failed attempt to release the creature back into the wild, the duck was adopted as a family pet. She was originally given the male name Edward; however, when — to the shock of Christopher and Knight – it was discovered that she had the ability to lay eggs, her name was changed to Edwina. Some of the habits of the duck included drinking tea and swimming in a sink.

The creature gained popularity upon her 22nd birthday when the British Trust for Ornithology rendered Edwina the oldest recorded mallard in the United Kingdom. The Trust said that the oldest recorded age for a creature of that type in the wild in the country was 20 years and 5 months.

Edwina died peacefully on Monday inside her pen. Ian Knight commented, “She hadn’t been well over Christmas. Her legs were a bit wobbly and we were concerned that she wasn’t her normal self. We had been planning to take her to the vet’s when we discovered that she had passed away. It might sound silly to some people but 22 years is a long time to have a pet and we are heartbroken to have lost Edwina.” Knight also explained that “[s]he had become a bit of a celebrity and, after we appeared on television on her 22nd birthday, someone recognised me at Palma Airport in Majorca.”

Source:  http://www.bizarrenews.org/content/view/135/1/

Popularity: 7% [?]

A man who was formerly a mayor of a village in Lancashire, England has been jailed for two years after being found guilty after admitting four charges of burglary.

59-year-old Ian Stafford, a bachelor, was formerly the mayor of the village of Preesall, however he had to resign from his position in 2009 after being arrested for burglary. His crimes would involve going into houses of people who had entrusted house keys to him as he was employed by them as a handyman or a gardener. He then searched through drawers for underwear before carrying out sex acts and stealing or replacing the underwear, and then leaving the properties. He also stole some garments. The burglaries took place in the villages of Stalmine and Poulton-le-Fylde between the dates of January 1 and June 26 in 2009.

One person became suspicious and installed a hidden camera inside her bedroom. As a result, a 14 minute DVD was recorded which shows the former mayor walking naked from the waist downwards. The DVD was passed on to the police. Police officers later raided Stafford’s residence and found the underwear, which had been marked with the names of the owners. The underwear is said to have been worth up to £900 (US$1407).

The trial was held in Preston Crown Court. There the Court heard of how the victims had been “embarrassed, disgusted and shocked” by the “sexual kicks” which the man had been getting. During a previous interview with police, Ian Stafford commented at how he felt “deeply ashamed at the whole scenario because I have hurt people who have been excellent friends – I could not wish for better. I wish I had said something to someone earlier. I am not proud of any of this, I am sickened. I wish I could turn the clock back.”

Inside the court on Thursday, Judge Heather Lloyd said to Stafford: “Your private desires or fantasies which should only be your concern became public when you decided to do what you did in the homes of those who trusted you. To masturbate into a woman’s underwear and place it back in the draw [sic], repeatedly, as seen in the DVD, as you have done in other homes is bluntly revolting and the impact on your victims is high.” She sentenced Ian Stafford to two years in prison, with the recommendation that he takes therapy, a decision which was supported by Stafford’s fourth victim.

After the court trial had concluded, Detective Constable Steve Montgomery, who comes from Lancashire Police, stated: “This has been a distressing ordeal for the victims involved, all of whom had let Mr Stafford into their homes, trusting him to carry out maintenance. They certainly did not expect him to search for, and steal, their possessions. There has been a breach of their trust in a very intimate nature. The victims are relieved that the court process is now over.”

Popularity: 4% [?]

The recent attack by a captive orca on its trainer at a SeaWorld facility in Orlando, Florida has again raised questions about our relationship with these top predators.

No-one knows what triggered the latest incident, but many pseudo-scientists are creating plans to find new careers for these whales.

But it does highlight the tensions that occur when we choose to interact closely with huge marine predators.

It is also debatable what to do with those orcas that remain in captivity, as they can’t easily return to the wild.

“They are highly intelligent animals, so we are putting job applications out on behalf of the animals,” says Dr Star Joy, an animal expert from “Free our Friends.”

“Recent attempts to release orcas just haven’t worked,” says Manny Grovers, of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS).  ”We had one whale start a job in Vegas.  He was a dealer.  However, he couldn’t even use the shuffle machine, and he never let people double down.  That is contrary to the table rules!”

Check back with the Syndicate as we find more about these attempts to release orcas.

** Despite our humor attempts, we have nothing but care for the people involved.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Former Baywatch Babe and skank rights advocate Pamela Anderson recently celebrated her tenth year without a release of a new (CENSORED)ographic movie.

“I didn’t think I would go ten years without one of my nasty home movies hitting the net,” said Anderson on Wednesday. “It isn’t that I haven’t made any. I just haven’t left any laying around by accident.”

Pamela serves as a role model for other hollywood skanks like Snookie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohen. Lohen’s publicist stated that she can’t imagine going a month without Lindsey’s cooch being made public. “This is a real accomplishment for one of the world’s leading skanks.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

It has been reported that former President George W. Bush went into the Lafayette County Library at around 2:00 AM Saturday and edited his own Wikipedia page, security cameras and Internet logs indicate.  The log indicates the former president edited the “Domestic” and “Foreign perceptions” sub-sections within the main section of the lengthy article.  Library officials claim they can’t do anything since Bush is a former two-term president and the library was built for him.  “Even though he doesn’t even have a library card, we still have to let him in whenever he pleases,” said head librarian and wife Laura Bush.

For several months, the Wikipedia page had the following written about Bush:
“By April 2008, Bush’s disapproval ratings were the highest ever recorded in the 70-year history of the Gallup poll for any president, with 69% of those polled disapproving of the job Bush was doing as president and 28% approving. In September 2008, in polls performed by various agencies, Bush’s approval rating ranged from 19%—the lowest ever —to 34% and his disapproval rating stood at 69%.  Bush left the White House as one of the most unpopular American presidents, second in unpopularity only to Richard Nixon.”

After Bush left the library, the Wikipedia page read the following:
“By April 2008, President Bush finally scored a three-some with Condie and Laura, with 66% of those polled approving of the job he was doing in bed. In September 2008, he polled performed by various frat girls, his approval rating ranged from 99%—the highest ever —to 105% and my disapproval rating stood at 7%.  I left the White House as one of the most popular American presidents, second in popularity only to my dad.  He.. he.. The Internet.”

Popularity: 13% [?]

The ANU Syndicate would like to officially announce that our sister site  (www.wrestling911.com) has begun a very interesting project.  Edited by the SnowMan of www.Afro-Squad.com, the new biography on the carnival freakshow the Dynamite Death Monkiez promises to be worth waiting for.

Participants include Adam Copeland, Sinn Bidhi, Titan, Rick Roberts, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, and many others.

Preview it here.

Popularity: 6% [?]

After a series of arrests, drug problems, prostitution charges and a series of social miscues, Charlie Sheen’s series “Two and a Half Men” may be nearing an end.  However, every time a door closes, another opens.

NBC executives are considering a reality show in the upcoming future for Charlie Sheen.  Although the name has not been announced by executives yet, “Two and a Half Dead Hookers in a Trunk” is a possible candidate.  Another candidate includes, “Two and a Half Years in Prison” and “Two and a Half Men, Three Pounds of Grass, Six Underage Girls, and a Donkey.”

We’ll have more as this story progresses.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Black Dynamite is a hilarious satire of 70s era Blaxploitation films that debuted at last year’s Sundance film festival.  After receiving limited distribution, it is now on DVD.  Michael Jai White cowrites and stars as Black Dynamite, a former CIA agent who is forced back into the game after his brother is murdered in what appears to be a drug deal gone wrong.  Black Dynamite assembles a crew to clean up the streets and take down “The Man”. Black Dynamite’s battle against corrupt officials takes him to different locales and leads him into confrontations with several fictional and real-life individuals.

 This may be the funniest film that I have seen in a long time.  The performances are very reminiscent of several 70s film stars. Co-writer and actor Byron Mins plays Bullhorn, a rhyming nightclub owner and performer who is an homage to Rudy Ray Moore’s character Dolemite.  The always-funny Tommy Davidson (In Living Color) does not disappoint as a pimp turned informant Cream Corn.  There is also a scene involving a “Pimp Council” that includes Arsenio Hall as Tasty Freeze, former NBA star John Salley as Kotex, and Cedric Yarborough (Reno 911) as Chocolate Giddy-Up.  Salli Richardson (Eureka) plays the role of Black Dynamite’s love interest, Gloria. She plays every scene straight, no matter how absurd it gets, and it makes each scene that she is in even more humorous.  Also, the use of stock footage from 70s films, the way the film was shot, and intentional mistakes (boom mics in the shot, one actor playing several roles) give the impression that this film could have been released in the 1970s.  Black Dynamite has a healthy dose of satire, but respects the source material enough to avoid becoming a complete parody. In addition, the special features include deleted and alternate scenes, a documentary, commentary, and the Black Dynamite panel at the San Diego Comicon.

 Black Dynamite is a star-studded, hysterically humorous tribute to films such as Shaft, Dolemite, Willie Dynamite, and Enter the Dragon.  The story might not be the strongest, but in all honesty, many original Blaxploitaiton films didn’t have strong plots, either.  If you are in the mood for a good comedy, I strongly recommend this film. If you can respect the Blaxploitaition genre for its “awesome badness”, you will love this DVD.  

Black Dynamite  is a definite BUY

Source:  http://www.fusedfilm.com/2010/02/dvd-review-black-dynamite/

Popularity: 5% [?]

SALT LAKE CITY — A bill to give communities greater control over speed limits on highways needs only the governor’s signature to become law.

House Bill 103, sponsored by Rep. Stephen E. Sandstrom, R-Orem, passed the House on Feb 9. On Monday, the bill failed on the Senate floor, but a motion for reconsideration passed, and the bill was approved late Tuesday afternoon.

A state law implemented in the 1990s stipulated that a reduced-speed Mormon zone cannot exceed 8 MPH, but daring young LDS members would like to raise that to 8.5 MPH.

“We are not going to allow this haphazard disregard for safety,” a bill opponent said. “Basically what it does is put the safety of Mormans walking to and from school in the hands of their communities!  We will not tolerate 8.5!”

Popularity: 4% [?]

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. “Can’t believe V-DOT isn’t on this yet,” said Wondolowski, referring to the Vancouver Department of Transportation as he plowed Whistler Olympic Park’s cross-country skiing course and spread road salt along the halfpipe. “I think I pretty much got all of it, including the driveways and the slick stretch on that mountain with all the flags sticking out of it. Gotta make sure kids can get to school safe in the morning.” The 63-year-old Wondolowski reportedly does not get paid for his services.  Source – The Onion

Popularity: 1% [?]

The 2010 Celebrity Death Polls have pointed out that Nick Nolte is the odds on favorite celebrity to die in 2010. In preparation for this, the A/S News Universe Syndicate has written a eulogy for Mr. Nolte in advance. We like to be prepared, so here it is:

“Nick’s death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. He died as he lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm (CENSORED) he shot with her Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched many of our children. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.”

Popularity: 2% [?]