Following the giant footsteps of Bonnaroo, this year the monster known as Sasquatch– the music festival, not the actual creature — revealed its lineup in an unusual way. Whereas Bonnaroo took to social networking sites for their announcement, Sasquatch took to the old fashioned social experience known as the rock concert. During a special “launch party” at the Crocodile in Seattle, Wash. on Monday, the festival announced details for their 2010 event amidst live sets by Surfer Blood, Atlas Sound and hometown heroes, Fresh Espresso. Curiously, those bands were not included in the initial announcement itself.

Reports from North Dakota indicate that Bigfoot himself is very upset over the fact that he was not asked to appear at the festival.  Furthermore, he is sueing over the copyright infringement on the use of his name.

He commented, “Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

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Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandra Mary; born 21 April 1926) is the Queen regnant of sixteen independent sovereign states known informally as the Commonwealth realms: the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Belize, Antigua and Barbuda, and Saint Kitts and Nevis. She holds each crown separately and equally in a shared monarchy, as well as acting as Head of the Commonwealth, and Supreme Governor of the Church of England. As a constitutional monarch, she is politically neutral and by convention her role is considered a figurehead by most.  However, many are also considering her an immortal badass, capable of world dominance.

“She has totally bulked up and quite frankly, she scares the hell out of us,” a spokeswoman for the prime minister said.  “One time she hit me with the f’ing scepter.  That thing hurts.  She’s a mean old broad, and she smells a bit like Old Spice.  Really old spice.”

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WASHINGTON—Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine’s Day.

A ritual as old as time itself, this year’s pubis-shearing is expected to be among the largest in decades, with more than 20,000 tons of curly clippings predicted to fall by Feb. 14.

“My boyfriend and I are going to see As You Like It and then enjoy a nice candlelit three-course dinner,” said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with many other hopeful lovers will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, retreat to a nearby bathroom, and carefully tend to the area around her genitalia. “It’s going to be so romantic!”

Indeed, tiny scissors and electric razors have already begun to fly off drugstore shelves, while all across the country legs are dangling precariously over open bathtub drains. According to statistics from the National Depilatory Council, the week before Valentine’s Day is by far the busiest time of the year for shaving, trimming, sculpting, playful pattern-making, waxing, and even manscaping.

“David and I are going to take a long walk around the park and then maybe on the way home we’ll stop and grab some ice cream,” said Julie Stibbons, a Dallas-area design consultant who recently made use of grooming shears, a pair of tweezers, and two magnifying mirrors to contribute her 0.4 ounces to the nation’s total raw tonnage. “I wonder if David will send me flowers at work like last year.”

Added Stibbons, whose smooth vaginal region will show no signs of stubble for days to come, “He’s just so wonderful.”

While this year promises to be prolific, experts said the country has gone through many personal grooming phases over the years. In 1947, the first year records were kept, Americans only mowed about 1.25 tons off their “crotch lawns,” while in the mid-1970s private trimmings were so rare that documentation was actually abandoned until 1981.

But with the booming economy of the 1990s, the U.S. saw a significant resurgence in pre–Valentine’s Day shearing and plucking.

“There’s a huge spike every year in the first half of February,” said Brooks Watson, who is head of sales at Schick, makers of the TrimStyle razor for women. “The rest of the year, Americans generate about 50,000 tons of total trimmings, but in the week before this special holiday we see a massive jump. It’s a veritable clear-cutting down there.”

“Bzzzzzzzz,” he added. “Timber!”

According to Schick’s marketing research, during the Valentine’s season, U.S. pubic hair removal rates briefly approach those of Brazil, traditionally the smoothest country on the planet. While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season, and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece’s during the week of Thanksgiving.

“If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger,” said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer’s supply closet. “See? Worth the itching, if you ask me.”

While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz’s enthusiasm.

“I’m not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals,” said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine’s Day was “invented by the razor industry” to sell grooming devices. “If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round.”

Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution.

“We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it’s important to keep things in perspective,” Spaulding said. “In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what’s inside, not just for how it looks.”

Source – The Onion

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The Hollywood Hooker Association would like to acknowledge Charlie Sheen on Valentine’s Day for his support of our community.

Over the past two years, 1,754 hookers have been employed by Mr. Sheen, enough to fill a small sports complex, including parking lots and walkways. “Thank you” for your dedication and determination to our cause.  Without you, many of these single mothers would have to get jobs and find gainful employment.

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Leif Garrett was not arrested so far this morning in Los Angeles for possession of a controlled substance.

The former teen idol was busted at 11:20 AM on Monday at the Metrolink station in downtown Los Angeles by the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.  However, he has not been arrested so far today

Furthermore, Garrett was not taken into custody and placed behind bars yet today.  We consider this the hottest news of the day, as this marks 12 hours without an arrest for Garrett. 

Garrett’s been busted on the Metro Red Line before — back in 2006, he was caught for allegedly riding without a ticket … but heroin and Quaaludes were found in his possession. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail for the incident.

Garrett is due back in court on February 24.

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Check out Funny Foto Friday every week!

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The Grim Reaper from Hell woke up from a medically induced coma Tuesday, according to his sons — and immediately started barking commands from his Hollywood hospital bed.

Lil’ Death and Skull Face tell TMZ their dad “showed some good signs of improvement” today, including killing three B-list celebrities before lunch.

Reaper’s sons — who have been very critical of his inability to kill Britney Spears and Paris Hilton  – say they are “encouraged but still very cautious” as the Reaper recovers from a stress induced stroke he suffered on Friday.  People are saying that he had a big 2009, and that he just couldn’t keep up the pace. 

One really good sign — his sons tell us that shortly after waking up, Harris told his doctors and nurses: “Don’t f**k up or I will kill all of you.  And hurry up.  Eminem is still out there, and I need to get him!”

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His Twitter mea culpa behind him, John Mayer asked a crowd of actual people on Thursday to forgive him for those race-tinged, hyper-sexual and wholly inappropriate comments made in a newly published Playboy interview. The blues-rock singer teared up as he spoke to fans in Nashville about descending into a “wormhole of selfishness” with his “quest to be clever” in the media.

Playboy also released an official statement on the Mayer article: 

We are very upset about the Mayer interview.  We here are Playboy promote wholesome family values, and the inherent love of God.  For Mayer to call Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ in completely inappropriate.  We will not tolerate this sort of sexual content, nor do we want to promote any sort of moral decay.  In fifty years of publishing, we have never seen anything more offensive.  We expect more from our rock stars.  Rock stars should be held to a higher standard.  Shame on you John Mayer.

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ORLANDO — Children were bundled, drivers who took on the roads caused accidents or disabled their vehicles and some residents were forced to seek refuge in shelters throughout Orlando during the third major winter storm this year.

The clouds covered the state with another blanket of cold, county and municipal agencies struggled to keep up.

“This is the coldest I’ve seen since 1979,” said Ray Stevens, a 42-year member of the Fire Company. “It dropped into the 60s today!  Forget Delaware, we need assistance!”

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President Obama continues to make strides to eliminate the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Let’s see what these folks have to say about this.

A Zebra in Africa
 - “Shit.  This stuff don’t matter to me!  I just don’t want to be eaten by a lion!  But it is like whatever.  Some stripes go one way, and some stripes go another way.  As long as nobody is biting my ass, I am cool with it.”

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A Redneck from Kentucky
- “This is the sign of the apocalypse.  This is going to affect me in a major way.  I am tired of all them queers.  How am I supposed to hunt if I know there are queers keeping me safe from attack?”

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Former Navy Seal Rex the Dog
- “I think this is pretty cool.  I mean, I have been known to hump a man’s leg or two, so this is a step in the right direction.”

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Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) Update — According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol.

Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less likely to develop high blood pressure. Whatever.

The report, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, studied drinking patterns and blood pressure among 70,000 nurses between the ages of 25 and 42.

Dr. Eric Shinauer, who headed the study for Harvard’s School of Public Health, put the findings in perspective. “Alcohol, 70,000 nurses, and us,” he said. “Is that cool or what?”

Shinauer and his colleagues — Dr. Andrew Sporata and Dr. Chandra Palava — conceded their initial grant was to study salt consumption. However, upon reflection, the trio decided that adjusting the parameters would dramatically heighten their interest in the research.

Explained Palava: “What it came down to was, did we want to say, ‘Here young lady, have some salt and let’s see what happens,’ or, ‘Here young lady, have a drink and let’s see what happens.’”

“We’re scientists, but we’re not dead,” he added.  Read More

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Tough fishing boat captain Phil Harris, whose brave exploits in the wild waters off the Alaskan coast were captured on the popular television show “Deadliest Catch,” has died, family members said. He was 53.Harris suffered a stroke in late January while in port at St. Paul Island, Alaska, off-loading the fishing vessel he ran, the Cornelia Marie. He was taken to an Anchorage hospital for treatment, and his sons and the Discovery Channel, which aired the show, said late on Tuesday he had died. The ANU Syndicate offers our sincere condolences.  However, not all creatures mourn his death.

“He committed genocide against our species,” said a king crab. “For us and the Opilio crab, he personally took the lives of millions. He was our nemesis.”

Harris and other captains have gained admiration on “Deadliest Catch,” which airs in 170 countries, displaying their prowess in catching king and Opilio crab in dangerous currents and icy conditions in the Bering Sea between Alaska and Russia.  The arthropod residents of the Bering Sea will be celebrating on Tuesday.

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Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the presidential ring, promising to take on that old “wrinkly, white-haired guy” and paint the White House pink if elected.

In a spoof campaign ad featured on the Web site Funny Or Die, Hilton delivered a tart response to John McCain’s recent attack ad, in which he dismissed Obama as just another vapid celebrity like Paris Hilton.

The ad calls McCain “the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket.”

While reclining on a chair in a skimpy bathing costume and gold stilettos, the 27-year-old celebutante announced her presidential ambitions:

“Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity, too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude.

“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says. (Watch Paris Hilton’s campaign video)

She then went on to detail her plan to solve the energy crisis:

“We could do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars,” Hilton says. “That way the offshore drilling carries us until new technologies kick in which will then create new jobs and energy independence.

“Energy crisis solved! I’ll see you at the debates, bitches!”

She signed off by saying she was considering tapping singer-songwriter Rihanna as her vice president.

“I’ll see you at the White House,” Hilton adds. “Oh, and I might paint it pink. Bye!” (Watch Hilton’s campaign video)

Here’s how the McCain campaign responded: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis — including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

And the Obama campaign’s official response: “Whatever.”

Credit:  Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor Blog 

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Honda was recalling another 437,000 vehicles with faulty airbags, in the latest quality problem to hit a Japanese carmaker.

The company will replace the airbag in the cars because they “have gas issues,” causing the inflator to rupture and injure or kill the driver.

Honda began the recall in November 2008, and the total number of vehicles affected is approaching 1m.

“They probably just shouldn’t sell cars to so many airbags,” said an ANU Syndicate spokesperson.  “Those gassy bitches are killing their image.”

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