In honor of the end of the Jay Leno Show, here are 10 great jokes about the Jay/Conan feud.

10. “At 12:05 AM, that’s not ‘The Tonight Show,’ that’s ‘The Tomorrow Show’! –David Letterman

9. “NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don’t confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different.” –Jay Leno

8. “My name is Conan O’Brien, and I may soon be available for children’s parties.” –Conan O’Brien

7. “My people are upset. Conan’s people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 — now they’ve got it!” –Jay Leno

6. “Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn’t sleep with any of my staff for nothing.” –Jay Leno

5. “There’s a rumor that NBC is so upset with me that want to keep me off the air for three years. My response to that is if NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.” -Conan O’Brien

4. “Conan O’Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how’d he get that deal? We only got four.” –Jay Leno

3. “Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I’m taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That’s right. Anyway, Conan O’Brien today announced he’s leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won’t participate in the destruction of the ‘Tonight Show.’ Fortunately, though, I will.” –Jimmy Kimmel, performing his show as Jay Leno

2. “Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him.” –David Letterman

1. “Hosting ‘The Tonight Show’ has been the fulfillment of a life-long dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out their watching, you can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too.” –Conan O’Brien

Source of Jokes – about.com

Popularity: 16% [?]

BENTONVILLE, AR—Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced in recent weeks that, effective immediately, it is cutting as many as 13,000 of what it somehow has the audacity to refer to as “jobs” from its corporate payroll.

According to Wal-Mart representatives, the, for lack of a better word, positions will be cut from the company’s underperforming Sam’s Club division. Analysts reported that Monday’s layoffs marked one of the largest so-called downsizings of what can hardly even be termed employment in the company’s history.

Sources inside the company confirmed that roughly 1,200 people will be forced to leave what one might very charitably characterize as their careers in the neon-lit dungeon known as the membership recruitment office. In addition, another 10,000 worn husks of human beings will be relieved of what it literally induces pain to say are their job responsibilities handing out free in-store samples to customers.

“We tried to solve the problem by cutting what is hard for me in good conscience to even call benefits,” Duke said. “We even tried negotiating with what we would probably refer to as the workers’ union if, in fact, they even had such a thing. But ultimately, our only feasible option, financially, was to make what I’m going to just lie and call a very hard decision and let go some of the faceless drones that I condescendingly refer to in public as members of our ‘corporate family.’”

Thousands of what it just feels really, really wrong to describe as anything other than wage slaves have responded to the layoffs with strong objections.

“It doesn’t seem fair, after all the time I put in with this abusive prison state regarded for some reason as a company,” said former membership recruiter Robert Weldon, 46. “Obviously, this is going to severely reduce the overall quality of the unceasingly grim reminder of financial hardships that I call my life.”

Although many experts have deemed these layoffs an unfortunate reflection of the economic climate, instead of what they actually are, which is a borderline f’ing human rights violation, a number of prominent analysts said current market trends show that Wal-Mart may soon recover from its current woes, as if anyone with an ounce of human decency even gives a shit.

“Clearly, this move signals what I’m coldly and unemotionally going to describe as a change in Wal-Mart’s current business strategy, and statistics show that it may pay off for them in the long run,” economist and author Jeffrey Fields said. “And as for the poor, exploited creatures whom I shall skirt the issue and refer to simply as workers, I’m sure they will be back on their feet in what no honest observer of the facts could possibly describe as no time.”

Added Fields, “This is, after all, what we still somehow have the nerve to call America.”

Source – The Onion

Popularity: 2% [?]

New York Senator Eric T. Schnederman’s secretary probably summed it up best. Her boss, a well known representative from New York, “is a warm person who is not good at assessing sensitivities of his audience.”

In other words, if Schnederman had kept his hands to himself, people wouldn’t be so pissed. Instead, the Republican candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois Matt Murphy (who was a former dorm mate of Schneiderman) has demanded Eric be removed from his duties for the duration of his tenure. Matt claims that Eric had no right to “do the nasty on his pillow!”

There is no question that Schnederman’s conduct was out of bounds. Two females claimed that, on various occasions, Schnederman liked to “jack with Murphy.” He also had stained up his bed sheets, as well as others.

“I come in to the office from a long day of politicking, and Matt does this?” said Matt.  “I am so going to give him the atomic sit up tomorrow!”

Popularity: 2% [?]

More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV — the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.

Who were the people who did — and did not — watch the game? Here’s what Nielsen tells us.

WHO WATCHED

Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)

Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)

the few remaining living fans of The Who

former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)

families of players

secret families of players

the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies

people with a mole fetish

Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)

those legitimately trying to find out who dat

non-sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

WHO DIDN’T WATCH

Cooper Manning (couldn’t get out of shift at Red Lobster)

Eli Manning (couldn’t find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)

dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags

THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE F–K IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!

Drew Brees’ son (napping)

The Who (napping)

those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl

those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl

Michael Vick

remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion

nerds

sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

Source – http://www.sportspickle.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

This steaming pile of celebrity news is coming straight from the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Tiger Woods made the statement today that it was Satan that made him “take interest in extramarital affairs.”  Tiger went on to say, “I need to keep Satan out of my life because he has ruined a lot of good things for me.” 

The A.N.U.S. interviewed the Crown Prince of Darkness.  The Dark Overlord had this to say, “I had nothing to do with Mr. Woods’ affairs.  Please leave me out of this one.  I take enough heat for the whole Holocaust thing.”

We’ll have more as the story unfolds. 

Photo Credit: Shafali

Popularity: 3% [?]

The normally quiet city of New Orleans needs to plan a victory celebration after Sunday’s big Superbowl victory.  That only questions is “how.” 

“We aren’t normally a city that gets a lot of national attention,” said a city official. “This is going to be a big change of pace for our quiet citizens.” 

Known for being a city of modest citizens, city officials are humbled at the thought of throwing a party in the city of New Orleans. 

“We just have never really had a big party here before.  This media attention all so new to us,” said Dr. Melthrop Thunderkiss of Pat O’Brien’s bar on Bourbon Street.  “Sure there was the publicity of the Hurricane, the yearly Marti Gras, the night parades, the girls that go wild, the… hey, wait a second… I think we can do this party thing.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

ATLANTA – Ted Jamazas, a mall security guard working on the East Side of Atlanta, is suing the Under Armour company after his tight “protective” clothing proved useless in a gunfight.

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Etsy.com, a website dedicated to selling home made arts and crafts, reported Friday that sales of the Vulva Pendant with Filigree Bush are at an all time low.  This comes as a huge blow to the economy, and is likely linked to a 200-point immediate drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 

“This comes as a huge blow to the economic stimulus package,” said President Barack Obama.  “Setbacks like these continue to derail our economic revival plan. We can’t imagine why sales are down.” 

The site is known as a place where homemakers can sell products, and is used by experts on Wall street to indicate the state of the economy.  Until sales increase, no economic recovery is in sight.

Popularity: 10% [?]

After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

Popularity: 3% [?]

Popularity: 3% [?]

Washington (A.N.U.S.) — As the military examines its policy banning openly gay, lesbian and bisexual people from serving, those who have lived with “don’t ask, don’t tell” are talking about their experiences and concerns.

“In a way, I think it should just be left alone,” said Navy Seal Mike Sharpe. “The Seals and I take a lot of showers together.  We go down on a big steel ship full of seamen, and we sleep together in tight quarters.  I am afraid that by having queers in the military that we would start doing things that seem gay!”

Sharpe says the existing policy is part of military life. Nobody asks. Nobody tells. 

“There’s nobody out trying to hunt somebody down saying, ‘Oh my gosh, kick them out — they’re gay! They’re lesbian!’ ” Runkle said. “There’s nothing like that at all.  We just look for the guys who dress well and we kick them in the balls.”

Some service members and veterans, though, have had a different experience.

Dan Mantan — a former Army sergeant who served in Iraq until he was discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” — said that if anything, coming out to his unit “brought us closer together, literally.  I had all sorts of new bunk mates after that!”

Popularity: 24% [?]

Up and coming World Wrestling Entertainment rival, Total Nonstop Action has a game plan to win ratings away from their nemesis in the sports entertainment realm.  TNA decided to hire elderly wrestlers like 80s icon Scott Hall and 70s kingpin Ric Flair in the battle to win the 60 to 80 year old demographic. 

“Brother, I am very excited,” stated 57-year old grappling icon Hulk Hogan.  “I didn’t hear their call at first.  I thought it was just a ringing in my ear.  Once I picked up my Jitterbug, I told them I was ready to wrastle.  I jumped from my table at Golden Corral and headed straight to Orlando.” 

Hogan stopped at the Sun City Retirement home on the way to pick up his friends Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs (The Nasty Boys).  The 90-mile trip from Sun City to Orlando took a little under seven hours.  Hogan stated that the crew had to stop several times for bathroom breaks and they had an issue “trying to figure out that automatic hand dryer.” 

“If we are going to compete with Vince (McMahon, a head honcho in the WWE), we are going to have to get a better timeslot,” said long time Hogan ally Eric Bischoff.  “People just can’t stay up after 8 PM these days.  Maybe we can get something at 6 AM.  That’s when our generation has their most energy.” 

TNA will also have some setbacks as they incorporate an older generation into their programming.  It was reported that Kevin Nash, another older wrestler who performs with the company, fell and almost broke his hip in a match with Alex Shelly.  It was fortunate that Life Alert was available to save him before the ten count. 

TNA is also in negotiations with such wrestlers as Frank Gotch, Sam Muchnick, Bruno Sammartino, and Lou Thesz.

Popularity: 3% [?]

WASHINGTON—Rear Admiral Juan Love (Left), the nation’s top uniformed officer, made a strong appeal for allowing gays to serve openly in the military, a shift that highlighted the Pentagon’s growing support for lifting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law.

Adm. Love, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Senate Armed Services Committee he believed the “don’t ask” restrictions—which require gay troops to keep their sexual orientation a secret—could be eliminated because “they were like totally bogus and we just need to loosen up around here.”   

After the comments, Adm. Love became the highest-ranking military officer to ever endorse wearing chaps on Fridays, a source of controversy within the Pentagon since they were put in place by the Clinton administration in 1993. His immediate predecessor, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, in 2007 described homosexuality as “immoral.”

“Let’s face it guys, we look like the Village People anyways!  Let’s just have fun with it,” said Admiral Love.  “Besides, who doesn’t want to snuggle in a foxhole or have a buddy for their cot at night?  Let’s do this thing right.  New uniforms with rainbows and everything.”

Popularity: 13% [?]

It is being reported that this giant squid did what Afro-Squad executives were unable to do.  After hundreds of calls to network executives, desperately pleading with them to cancel the series Jersey Shore, a giant squad shut down operations on the set. 

“I was just tired of looking at those freakin’ kids,” said Larry the Giant Squid.  “I had to take matters into my own tentacles.” 

Popularity: 5% [?]

“Yo!  We are like so friggin’ tired of bein’ stereotyped as obnoxious an’ uneducated Yankees.  We ain’t going to take any more of dis’ business,” said Jersey Shore cast member Paulie D after watching a news segment about how the cast of the show are being stereotyped.  “I gots a family in the canole business, and they ain’t going to take any more of this junk.  Ya’ know what I mean?”

The cast of Jersey Shore is apparently very upset with the way they are being portrayed on television.  Snookie, the female lead on the series stated that she is, “tired of being made to look like a friggin’ materialistic moron” and that she “only went on this show so (she could) pay for her new breast implants.”

Popularity: 4% [?]