Google listed these 20 terms as the hottest on the internet for 3/19/2010.

So I have decided to make a news article using all of these terms.

“Mary McCormack wrote an open letter to Sean Penn during Passover 2010, which led to the Moscow Subway Explosion.  This was considered one of the final four militant events of the Chechnya Hutaree militia.  Penn responded during Passover (and in a meal that contained mostly honey baked Hebrew ham made by Errol Flynn and Mindy McCready), that Seder Meal and Mayim Bialik will no longer receive any greetings from him, tmobile customer service, or free tickets to the NCAA Final Four 2010.”

Can you top that?

Popularity: 2% [?]

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool.

The amount Americans spend trying to look like they don’t care how they look is greater than the GDPs of Sweden, Brazil, and Egypt combined.

Looking cool, which the report defines as “the outward projection of an appealing and often enviable image of oneself that others perceive as requiring little to no effort,” appears to be a nationwide obsession.

“To put this into perspective, the amount Americans spend on cool looking haircuts is nearly 15 times greater than the total amount spent on cancer research,” said Eric Gerhardt, noted economist and lead author of the report. “Whether it’s name-brand sneakers, an all-in-one espresso maker, or a pair of hip and stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses, we devote tremendous resources each year toward our conspicuous attempts at stature enhancement.”

“It’s pretty much an epidemic at this point,” the 52-year-old professor added before pausing momentarily to adjust a small gold earring in his freshly pierced earlobe.

The report found that, in all 50 states, efforts to appear cool accounted for a greater portion of household expenditures than career training, doctor visits, and childcare combined.

In addition, Gerhardt said, even basic necessities such as food, shelter, and water are obtained based on perceived coolness, with people opting to purchase expensive Thai or Ethiopian takeout food, spend more than they can afford on homes with granite countertops, and drink bottled water for no other reason than to impress others.

Commerce Secretary Gary Locke refused to tell reporters where he got that tie.

Despite the many trillions of dollars spent each year, the study found that Americans, as a whole, generally fail miserably at looking cool.

“Someone like contractor Jerry Ditmas of Akron, OH, for example, who spends as much as $3,000 per annum on custom motorcycle accessories, succeeds only in looking like a bigger doofus with each wasted dollar,” said Gerhardt, adding that the advertising industry, Japanese youths, and dads on vacation account for nearly a quarter of the $14 trillion. “This is in contrast to, say, [musician] Lou Reed, who spent just $11 on looking cool in 2009 and remains as cool as they come.”

According to the report, researchers have isolated a previously unknown personality trait called “getting it,” a variable that, while not completely understood, seems to be essential to the achievement of coolness.

“Those who we found ‘get it,’ or who we determined ‘know the score,’ succeeded nearly three times as often at looking cool as those who did not,” Gerhardt said. “Unfortunately, regardless of how much money Americans spend in desperate attempts to look cool, we concluded that nearly three-quarters of the populations falls into the category of ‘lame-os’ or ‘total lame-os.’”

This worrisome trend extends far beyond just the average citizen, however.

According to the report, a significant percentage of the $14 trillion can be traced back to the highest levels of government, with tax cuts, most defense spending, and a number of major public works such as Mount Rushmore amounting to little more than lawmakers’ attempts to appear cool to constituents.

“The Cold War was essentially one huge, pathetic trying-to-look-cool race,” Gerhardt said.

Asked about ways the $14 trillion might be better spent, Professor Ian Thorson, a sociologist at Georgetown University, suggested the funds be used to combat poverty, but acknowledged that donating to charities was not always effective, as even those Americans in need often spend much of the assistance they receive on trying to look cool.

“The whole thing ends up being a vicious cycle,” Thorson said. “The only way this situation will ever be remedied is if people just relax and try to be themselves, you know? I mean, that’s cool, man.”

Added Thorson, “Right?”

Thorson said his current research indicates that true coolness may in fact come from not caring what other people think—a finding he hopes to submit to his peers for review before publishing it in a journal admired by students and colleagues alike.

A number of leading economists have already discredited the Commerce Department’s report, claiming the $10 million study was undertaken for the sole purpose of looking cool by winning a bunch of government funding

Source:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-14-trillion-spent-annually-on-trying-to-loo,17125/

Popularity: 3% [?]

Upon being named to the All-American team by the Associated Press, UConn’s Maya Moore and Tina Charles decided to call-out Kentucky’s John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins. Charles and Moore said that the women’s tourney doesn’t present enough competition and roughness for them. As a result, they decided to challenge the two Men’s All-American All-Stars to a two-on-two match after the Huskies’ tournament win. Sounds like the UConn girls are getting a bit conceded.

John Wall has refused to comment on the challenge, but DeMarcus Cousins responded by saying, “I’m not gonna lie, these women are tough. I wouldn’t be surprised if they would be able to defeat us. Tina and Maya have a great future ahead of them in the WNBA. I hope the same is for me and John next year. Oops!”

Looks like Cousins spilled the beans on this one and declared that John Wall and him will enter the NBA Draft. Does that scare the women? Absolutely not. They have presented the idea to the NCAA committee to consider this as an official game. If this is approved, the Huskies could make their winning streak even longer and more impressive.

Coach Calipari boldly stated that “Moore and Charles should avoid this for their own good.” Moore responded by flexing and doing the John Wall dance.

These women are fearless. The Wildcats’ Wall reassured that statement and tweeted, “I will not comment on the challenge, but will say that these women are beasts.”

According to Tina Charles the following will be the guidelines for the match:

• The free-throw line will be moved in five feet for the Kentucky men.
• Medical assistance will be on the court’s sidelines and will follow Wall and Cousins across the court on every play.
• Charles and Moore will play shoeless and will have ten pound weights around their ankles.
• Wall and Cousins will be allowed to call timeouts to repair their wheelchairs after the first quarter.
• The last five minutes of the final quarter will be played blind-folded by the Huskies’ women.

If the men win, the women will be required to make Wall and Cousins a six foot sandwich for each member of the Wildcats. If the women win, Wall and Cousins will have to have the faces of Maya and Tina tattooed on their arms with the words “Beat by a Girl.”

If Wall decides to back out of the challenge he will be considered a “chicken” by Moore and will live the rest of his life with that upon his back. Like so many times during the season, the game is on Wall’s shoulders. Will he come through?

Source:  http://bleacherreport.com/articles/371086-moore-and-charles-call-out-kentuckys-wall-and-cousins-satire

Popularity: 12% [?]

One of our other sites, www.wrestling911.com just broke some of its own records.  We had over 25,000 visitors this month!  That is a new high.

Congrats to all of those people involved!

Popularity: 1% [?]

Source – http://wrestling911.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3291

Popularity: 3% [?]

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned doctors who worked on Michael Jackson at the UCLA Medical Center ran two EKGs on the singer, and at least one doctor who interpreted the results claims there was heart rhythmic activity both times.

Furthermore, sources tell TMZ Dr. Conrad Murray insists he was able to restart Jackson’s heart at the singer’s home before paramedics arrived and then maintained heart activity in the ambulance.

Dr. Murray’s evaluation contradicts paramedics at the scene who wanted to take Jackson to the morgue, not UCLA, because they believed he was dead.

It also contradicts Joe Jackson’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, who tells TMZ he believes Jackson was dead even before paramedics arrived at the house. Oxman says the weak pulse detected at UCLA was in reaction to resuscitation efforts.

We’re told the criminal case is shaping up as a legal war between medical experts, who will be interpreting medical tests and charts in various ways — always confusing for a jury.

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0jfefqm17

AfroSquad Concludes:  Michael Jackson is a Zombie!

Popularity: 8% [?]

Tim Urban was the pick by “Vote for the Worst,” but after an embarrassing appearance on American Idol… Miley Cyrus is their new candidate.

“She’s f’ing awful,” said everyone watching at home.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sensitive to accusations of profiling specific groups, the Justice Department today announced that the American Civil Liberties Union has taken over the lead role in the terrorism investigation, a shift in strategy that frees up the government to conduct a less prejudicial, more inclusive probe that should take, roughly, forever.

“Instead of un-Constitutionally targeting specific groups, our investigation will expand the pool of interviews by more fairly including people of every ethnicity, every religion, every gender, and every sexual persuasion,” said ACLU Executive Director Anthony D. Romero. “Right now, we are interviewing Caucasian farmers in Iowa, legally blind Wal-Mart employees in California, and gay Latino package store customers in Florida to see if they had contact with, or were involved with, those from the Middle East who carried out these attacks.”

“For some reason, we haven’t learned a thing so far,” Romero conceded. “But I should note that we have yet to speak to Chinese-American loggers in the Northwest.”

Using the new approach, the ACLU estimated the investigation will cost $2 trillion and take 750 years to complete.

And now, on to the dreaded…

Popularity: 2% [?]

Fun pictures every Friday!

Popularity: 20% [?]

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the summer of 1980, MIT graduates Donald Faber and Peter Haberle moved into an empty two-car garage and started work building their first personal home computer. Almost 30 years later, what began as a humble two-man operation has grown into an even more humble, even more cramped computer company, based out of an even smaller single-car garage.

“We started out with pretty much nothing,” said Peter Haberle who, along with Faber, sat down with reporters on Monday to reminisce about the early days of Xalaga Technologies. “I remember we had this old workbench, which we called our development station. And we got our hands on a few wooden chairs from this Dumpster across the street. Donald even had to borrow an air mattress so we’d have somewhere to sleep at night.”

Added Haberle, letting out a deep sigh, “That place was a palace compared to today.”

According to Faber and Haberle, a lot has changed since the Xalaga was first founded. What was once a struggling $7,500-a-year business with only a dozen or so paying customers is now a desperate $6,400-a-year business with only a half dozen or so paying customers.

Enlarge Image

An ad from the days when Xalaga Technologies was just getting off its feet in far more spacious surroundings.
Indeed, long gone are the dark days of scraping together donations from friends, and applying to banks for loans, as those channels have completely run dry and Faber and Haberle were forced to take on second and third jobs to finance their dream venture nearly a decade ago.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/computer-company-started-in-garage-30-years-ago-no,17124/

Faber, who turned down a promising position with GE in order to start Xalaga, a decision he now says he regrets each and every waking day, told reporters that he knew almost immediately that his company had something not-at-all special on its hands.

“We sold only one computer that first year, then the following year it was three computers, then suddenly 10 computers, then just as suddenly five computers, then back down to three computers again, and finally only one or two machines every other year for pretty much the next decade,” said Faber, standing up from the plastic milk crate that now serves as his desk. “Had someone told us when we first started that we’d be here today, operating out of a much smaller, somehow less expensive garage, we would have laughed right in their face.”

“Well, nobody’s laughing now,” Faber added.

Despite their eventual lack of success, and the complete absence of any recognition whatsoever, those early days didn’t always go as planned. In 1986, Haberle was left with no choice but to move permanently into Xalaga’s garage-headquarters after his then-fiancée left him and he was evicted from his one-bedroom apartment. Then in 1993, the pair saw months of exhausting work go up in flames when an electrical fire destroyed dozens of circuit boards, driving Xalaga Technologies even further into debt.

Still, it was those initial setbacks that made all the setbacks still to come that much more painful.

“I’d be lying if I said Donald and I didn’t have doubts—heck, those first 30 years were pretty tough for us,” said Haberle, who recently celebrated his 53th birthday. “But trust me, places like Google and Apple went through the exact same thing when they began….”

“Hold on just a second,” continued Haberle, quickly gathering up a number of unfinished microprocessors, memory boards, and other belongings piled high on the ground. “Looks like the owner wants to park his car.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/computer-company-started-in-garage-30-years-ago-no,17124/

Popularity: 3% [?]

What would you do with 10,000 dollars?

I’m about to buy a car so I’d probably put half toward the car and either save or spend the rest! I’m horrible with saving money. There’s always something I HAVE to have.

What’s the most epic way to die?

By doing something heroic or by doing something you love. Who wants to die in bed?

Can you unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?

I’d rather unwrap it with my fingers and eat it. I’d take eating food normally over being sexy any day. (But, I can.)

When was the last time you spit?

Two days ago after walking out of the dentist. That flouride stuff is so gross!

Source:  College Humor.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

She may have failed to become America’s vice-president but Sarah Palin’s transformation into a successful public figure has taken a fresh twist, as she is the most popular figure in adult film history.

The now bestselling DVD name, political pundit and up-and-coming stand-up comic, is hoping to add yet another string to her bow by setting DVD sale records.

“During the campaign, there was only one DVD available about her,” said John Longhorn.  “Now we are making about 12 spoofs a week.  Her popularity is amazing.”

Sources close to Mrs Palin yesterday denied initial reports that the putative idea was a reality series featuring her and her family.

Popularity: 3% [?]

NEW YORK, NY – Scientists have reached a conclusion in what caused the demise of the dinosaur!

According to a panel of 41 experts from around the world, massive steroid use caused the extinction of dinosaurs and not a volcanic eruption or an asteroid. The international panel of top scientists will lay to rest a long-running discussion over what was to blame for the massive reptiles’ extinction.

According to scientists, the large reptiles were just “juiced up salamanders and chameleons.”  They were the Barry Bonds and Lyla Alzados of their era.

“We have no doubt that at first they were just trying to impress their lady friends,”  said Dr. Zeevagho.  “We have always assumed that the T-Rex had an inferiority complex over his tiny little arms.  It all makes sense now.”

Opinion was split on the cause, with many arguing that it was volcanic activity that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.  However, scientists (many of whom have been bullied for years by overgrown jocks) feel that dinosaurs “got what they deserved.”  The panel concluded with a study that determined that “nerds rule.”

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Although Bigfoot was sighted with Paris Hilton earlier this week, it appears that another Bigfoot was seen on a golf course in New York.  This New York Bigfoot has a really big foot, and he frightens many.

Despite the fact that no actual photos exist, “Bigfoot Steve” is estimated at 180 foot tall, weighing an approximate 500 tons.

“We just hope he is a tourist,” said a New York State Representative. ”The mere thought of a 180 foot tall angry New York native is just frightening.  I mean, we can deal with an angry hairy giant ape.  However, if you add a New York attitude… the country is F$*@ed!”

Popularity: 15% [?]