Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sensitive to accusations of profiling specific groups, the Justice Department today announced that the American Civil Liberties Union has taken over the lead role in the terrorism investigation, a shift in strategy that frees up the government to conduct a less prejudicial, more inclusive probe that should take, roughly, forever.

“Instead of un-Constitutionally targeting specific groups, our investigation will expand the pool of interviews by more fairly including people of every ethnicity, every religion, every gender, and every sexual persuasion,” said ACLU Executive Director Anthony D. Romero. “Right now, we are interviewing Caucasian farmers in Iowa, legally blind Wal-Mart employees in California, and gay Latino package store customers in Florida to see if they had contact with, or were involved with, those from the Middle East who carried out these attacks.”

“For some reason, we haven’t learned a thing so far,” Romero conceded. “But I should note that we have yet to speak to Chinese-American loggers in the Northwest.”

Using the new approach, the ACLU estimated the investigation will cost $2 trillion and take 750 years to complete.

And now, on to the dreaded…

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