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Archive for June, 2011

Cleopatra Jones – Afro-Squad Movie Mondays

Posted by admin On June - 20 - 2011

Special agent Cleopatra Jones (Tamara Dobson), six feet two inches of sinewy fighting fury clad in layers of runway chic fashions in bright rainbow colors, strolls up a sand dune and orders the destruction of a Turkish poppy field. Thousands of miles away, an L.A. drug lord named Mommy (Shelley Winters hamming it up with garish wigs and lecherous leers) screeches as her life blood burns away and lures Cleopatra stateside to plot her demise. A product of the “blaxploitation” explosion of low-budget thrillers featuring black heroes in the 1970s, Cleopatra Jones may not be the best of the batch but revels in the most outrageous fashion sense. Cleo looks great in furs, pantsuits, ponchos, turbans–a new outfit every scene–and drives a sleek black Corvette with a personalized license plate: “CLEO.” It’s a shame that the producers dropped the exotic potential of a globetrotting super-agent for an L.A.-bound gangster film, which is entertaining in a comic-book way but rarely reaches the energetic levels of the gritty Pam Grier action pictures Coffy and Foxy Brown. Bernie Casey is a role model of dignity and action as a neighborhood activist, and a garishly overdressed Antonio Fargas delivers a suitably flamboyant performance as Mommy’s pusher Doodlebug. The glamorous super-agent flew off to Hong Kong for the 1975 sequel, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold. –Sean Axmaker

Popularity: 1% [?]

6 Old People Who Could Kick Your Ass

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On June - 20 - 2011

Most of us who still have intact and mostly alive grandparents generally wouldn’t be intimidated by them in a physical sense. Then again, most of us haven’t really put that to the test (nor should we). When pushed, you might be surprised what our senior citizens have in reserve.

Indiana Jones didn’t age well, it turned out, but that’s OK because we found a new role-model globetrotting adventurer, and she’s old enough to qualify for a 10 percent discount at The Sizzler.

Helen Thayer is a photographer and author with a unique approach to aging: Rather than throttle her life back and take up less challenging hobbies like scrapbooking, Helen decided to travel around the world daring God to bring her down.

Via Heraldnet.com
She made that hat out of her own mother.

At the age of 50, when most of us are well on the way to heart attack No. 2, Thayer hiked alone across the North Pole. She was the first woman to solo any pole (wow that sounded really dirty) and she pulled her own sled. At 50, who has time to stop for a bunch of dogs to pee on every neat rock they pass by? Helen wrote a bestselling book about the experience and spent her next few years laying low and hiking across every desert in the Americas.

Via Loe.org
Later, she ate that camel raw.

That all turned out to be practice for her real desert hike in 1995. At aged 57, Helen trekked the entire 4,000-mile length of the Sahara Desert. But marching alone through the world’s harshest deserts had only bored her. Antarctica was the real challenge. So in 1997, Helen took a 625-mile walk alone through the South Pole. We should point out that the area Helen walked through was almost completely devoid of other life, and is basically as close to the surface of an alien world as it gets.

Helen celebrated her 60th birthday there, at the bottom of the planet. And did we mention she carried her supplies for the whole trip on a 260-pound sled? And this is all just the tip of Helen Thayer’s iceberg of awesome: if normal people consider it a deathtrap, she’s walked across it. If Raiders of the Lost Ark had starred Helen instead of Indy, that whole “Nazi” problem would have been over in about 45 minutes.

Via NewWest.net
We’re pretty sure she wouldn’t put up with any of Shia LaBeouf’s crap, either.

There’s a laundry list of reasons why Miss Venus Ramey — better known as Miss America 1944 and one-time Bond-girl candidate — is a total badass. For starters, she was the first redheaded Miss America, the first Miss America to be photographed in color, and the only Miss America whose name graced the most successful B-17 “Flying Fortress” of World War II. Protected by a crude painting of her namesake’s bosom, the Venus Ramey flew 68 missions without losing a man.

Via GlibAndSuperficial
Helping keep morale perky.

But none of that comes close to the most badass chapter in the saga of Venus Ramey, which would come six decades later. In 2007 four men decided to rob a tobacco farm in south-central Kentucky. The now-elderly Venus noticed the robbery right away. But rather than call the police, this 82 year old beauty pageant veteran grabbed her .38 and her walker and stepped out into the cold night to deal justice.

Via Hilary.com
Kindly old justice.

Ramey confronted the men, who piled back into their car and tried to escape. But Venus wasn’t having any of their crap; she braced herself against the walker, using it like the chassis of a howitzer, and calmly shot all four of their tires out. She then held the men at gunpoint and flagged down a passing driver. Only then, with the situation well in hand, did she call the police.

Getty
Who probably also surrendered to her.

But at least she had a gun. The same can’t be said for Ann Timson …

You’re walking home from work one afternoon when the sound of revving scooter motors fills your ears. A cluster of the little bikes roar up the road and slide to a stop out in front of a jewelry shop. Three men wielding sledgehammers dismount and charge towards the shop. They bash at the windows while a security guard cowers inside.

As a general rule, big, violent men armed with sledgehammers aren’t something one confronts alone and unarmed. If you aren’t Tony Jaa, your reaction to that situation would probably be something along the lines of “cry and run.”


Oh, hey, speak of the devil …

That very scenario occurred this February in Northampton, England. Six men in scooters rode up to a Rolex store and proceeded to wail on the windows. It was broad daylight and a crowd of people saw everything. But no one moved to help. No one even drew their phone.

And then Ann Timson, retired septuagenarian and part-time Hulk, burst onto the scene. She straight-up charged the crowd of grown, armed young men and started beating the everloving daylights out of them. With her purse.


That’s the robbers tripping over their own bikes to get away.

One moment, we see Ann in the thick of it, swinging wildly as the robbers crowd in around her. Then, a truck blocks our cameraman’s view. When it passes, the entire mob is in flight and Ann is giving chase. She even managed to force one rider to dismount. Other locals (who weren’t in their freaking 70s) finally stepped in to restrain the man while the World’s Slowest Cop arrived on scene a minute later.

All six robbers were arrested within minutes of the attack. We hope, for the sake of their rectums, that no one inside has access to YouTube.

Daily Mail
Don’t make grandma bring the pain.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/iEU_RlWdwe0/article_19242_6-old-people-who-could-kick-your-ass.html

SAN FRANCISCO BANS GOLDFISH

Posted by The Mullet Master On June - 19 - 2011

SAN FRANCISCO – The Animal Control and Welfare Commission has banned the sale of goldfish.

The original law puts the squeeze on puppy and kitten mills that supply pet stores, and to discourage “impulse buys” of hamsters and other small pets that often wind up being dumped at shelters.

But now it covers goldfish, guppies and tropical fish.

“Most fish in aquariums are either mass bred” under inhumane conditions “or taken from the wild,” commission member Philip Gerrie said. That leads to “devastation of tropical fish from places like Southeast Asia,” he said.

The ban, which the commission just adopted after a year of study, was expanded to cover animal breeders as well as pet stores. As you might expect, it has local merchants like Ocean Aquarium owner Justin Hau dumbfounded.

“The city is taking more and more control,” Hau said. “They are very stupid.”

Commission President Sally Stephens, who opposed the ban because it would include small animal-breeding operations, says it’s up to the Board of Supervisors to make the final call.

“No more goldfish in San Francisco.  It’s done.” Stephens said.

The Commission recently approved a ban on declawing cats.

Supervisor Eric Mar, who introduced a measure Tuesday to keep big pet store chains out of the Richmond District, was noncommittal about the commission’s latest law.

Supervisor Sean Elsberand wasted no time in saying “this is another Animal Welfare idea that will go down in the history of San Francisco as a progressive city.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/34571/san-francisco-bans-goldfish/

MAGIC MUSHROOMS: THE NEW SUPERFOOD

Posted by The Mullet Master On June - 19 - 2011

A new report states that the hallucinogen in magic mushrooms has countless medical benefits.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine have been studying the effects of psilocybin, a chemical found in some psychedelic mushrooms, that’s credited with inducing transcendental states. Now, they say, they’ve zeroed in on the perfect dosage level to produce transformative mystical and spiritual experiences that offer long-lasting life-changing benefits, while carrying little risk of negative reactions.

The breakthrough could speed the day when doctors use psilocybin–long viewed skeptically for its association with 1960s countercultural thrill-seekers–for a range of valuable clinical functions, like easing the anxiety of terminally ill patients, treating depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, and helping smokers quit. Already, studies in which depressed cancer patients were given the drug have reported positive results. “I’m not afraid to die anymore” one participant told The Lookout.

The Johns Hopkins study–whose results will be published this week in the journal Psychopharmacology–involved giving healthy volunteers varying doses of psilocybin in a controlled and supportive setting, over four separate sessions. Looking back more than a year later, 94 percent of participants rated it as one of the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lifetimes.

More important, 89 percent reported lasting, positive changes in their behavior–better relationships with others, for instance, or increased care for their own mental and physical well-being. Those assessments were corroborated by family members and others.

“I think my heart is more open to all interactions with other people,” one volunteer reported in a questionnaire given to participants 14-months after their session.

“I feel that I relate better in my marriage,” wrote another. “There is more empathy — a greater understanding of people, and understanding their difficulties, and less judgment.”
Identifying the exact right dosage for hallucinogenic drugs is crucial, Roland Griffiths, a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins who led the study explained.

That’s because a “bad trip” can trigger hazardous, self-destructive behavior, but low doses don’t produce the kind of transformative experiences that can offer long-term benefits. By trying a range of doses, Griffiths said, researchers were able to find the sweet spot, “where a high or intermediate dose can produce, fairly reliably, these mystical experiences, with very low probability of a significant fear reaction.”

In the 1950s and ’60s, scientists became interested in the potential effects of hallucinogens like psilocybin, mescaline, and lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) on both healthy and terminally ill people. Mexican Indians had, since ancient times, used psychedelic mushrooms with similar chemical structures to achieve intense spiritual experiences.

But by the mid ’60s, counterculture gurus like Dr. Timothy Leary and Aldous Huxley were talking up mind-altering drugs as a way of expanding one’s consciousness and rejecting mainstream society. Stories, perhaps apocryphal, circulated about people jumping out of windows while on LSD, and some heavy users were said to have suffered permanent psychological damage. By the early ’70s, the US government had essentially banned all hallucinogenic drugs.

But recent years have seen the beginning of a revival of mainstream scientific interest in mind-altering drugs, and particularly in the possibility of using them in a clinical setting to alleviate depression and anxiety. A 2004 study by the government of Holland (pdf) found psilocybin to have no significant negative effects.

Here in the United States, too, the climate may be shifting. In a statement accompanying the announcement of the Johns Hopkins findings, Jerome Jaffe, a former White House drug czar now at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, said the results raise the question of whether psilocybin could prove useful “in dealing with the psychological distress experienced by some terminal patients?”

The hope is that the long-lasting spiritual and transcendental experiences associated with psilocybin could–if conducted in a controlled and supportive setting, and with appropriate dosage levels–help ease patients’ fear and anxiety, allowing them to approach death with a greater sense of calm. (You can see one terminally ill cancer patient speak movingly about the positive effects of psilocybin here.)

Griffiths thinks the drug may have the potential to alleviate the suffering of terminal patients. He’s currently leading a separate Johns Hopkins psilocybin study, using volunteers who are depressed after being diagnosed with cancer. “So far we’ve had–anecdotally only–very positive results,” comparable to the study with healthy volunteers, he said. A study from the University of California, Los Angeles last year reported similar positive results.

But Griffiths said his study, under way for three years, has only recruited 20 patients, in part because oncologists are more interested in curing cancer than helping patients cope with its effects, so they don’t refer provide many referrals. “Most oncologists just don’t get it,” he said. “It’s not the focus of their research, and they’re busy people.”

But the experience of one volunteer in Griffiths’s study offers a glimpse of the potential benefits. Lauri Reamer, 47, told The Lookout that she participated in two Johns Hopkins psilocybin sessions last September, not long after ending intensive chemotherapy and radiation to treat a rare form of leukemia that, several times in the preceding few years, had almost taken her life.

Reamer, an anesthesiologist from Ruxton, Md., with three young daughters, said that although her disease was in remission by that time, she was still suffering psychologically from the trauma of the illness and the treatment. She had walled herself off emotionally, she said, and was unable to show empathy for others or even for herself.

The psilocybin had an immediate impact. “At the end of the session, I was just in this joyous, happy, relaxed state,” she said. “The drug was gone–what was left was just this peaceful calm.”

That calm had lasting benefits. Reamer said the experience–what she called “an epiphany”–gave her the impetus to get out of a failing marriage. Since doing so, she said, both she and her daughters have been much happier.

“I don’t think it was the drug that did it,” she said. “It was the drug that helped me find the clarity.”

That’s not the only improvement. “My sleeping has gotten better. My relationships have gotten better with people,” she said. “The fog has lifted.”

“The best thing it did for me was heal me psychologically and emotionally and allow me to be back in my kids’ lives, be back to being a mother,” Reamer concluded. As she spoke, she was taking her daughters–two 15-year old twins, and a 6-year-old–on a trip to Hershey Park.

And although doctors tell her that, thanks to the effect of the illness and the treatment, she likely has only 10 or 15 years to live, she’s able to approach that challenge with equanimity.

“My fear of death kind of disappeared,” she said. “I’m not afraid to die anymore.”

Griffiths, of Johns Hopkins, said Reamer’s experience isn’t an outlier among the volunteers, both sick and healthy, who have tried psilocybin. “People feel uplifted, and very often have a sense that everything is O.K. at one level,” he said. “That there’s sense to be made out of the chaos.”

“When you see people undergoing that kind of transformation,” he added, “it’s really quite moving.”

Zachary Roth

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/34580/magic-mushrooms-the-new-superfood/

Babe of the Week – Chelsea Handler #11

Posted by admin On June - 19 - 2011

Chelsea is funny as hell, and she has a decent little body. (We aren’t going to lie, sometimes the Afro-Squad doesn’t have the highest standards.) Anyway, check out these pictures of Mrs. Lately.

Handler grew up in the suburban town of Livingston, New Jersey.[3] The youngest of six children, she was raised in Reform Judaism by her Mormon mother Sylvia and Jewish father Melvin.[2][3][4] Handler has said that while growing up, she felt like an outsider, telling a reporter, “We lived in this nice Jewish neighborhood…Everyone had Mercedes and Jaguars, and I was going to school in a Pinto.”[5] At age 19, Handler moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career, and two years later she decided to become a stand-up comic after telling her story about a DUI to a class of other offenders, who found her story funny.[2]
Career
Performances

Handler has performed nationwide as a comedian, appeared as a regular on the Oxygen Network series Girls Behaving Badly and on other shows, including Weekends at the D.L., The Bernie Mac Show, My Wife and Kids, and The Practice. She was a regular commentator on E! and Scarborough Country as well as a correspondent on The Tonight Show. She hosted the first episode of the reality TV show On the Lot, but quit before the second one was aired, as she later said, “because I smelled the disaster happening before it did.”[6] Chelsea Handler hosted “The Chelsea Handler Show” in April 2006, which lasted two seasons. She was a guest on Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld and The View; she co-hosted The View on August 2, 2007, and again on September 5, 2008 – and hosts her own late night talk show on E! titled Chelsea Lately. On January 25, 2009, Handler was on the CBS gameshow Million Dollar Password as one of the celebrity players. On April 15, 2009, Handler won the 2009 Bravo A-List Award for “A-List Funny”.[7]

On August 18, 2010 it was announced that Handler would be the host of the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. The announcement was surprising to many, including MTV, which claimed that the final decision was unexpected.[8] This makes Handler only the second woman in the history of the VMA’s to be the sole host of the ceremony, behind Roseanne Barr, who hosted in 1994.[9] The event took place at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles on September 12, 2010.

In 2007, Handler performed with the Hour Stand-Up Comedy Tour across the U.S.. Her stand-up has been televised on Vh1′s Love Lounge, Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, and HBO’s broadcast of the Aspen Comedy Festival. Chelsea Handler was the host of the Fox show “On The Lot.” The show, produced by Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett, is a competition for aspiring filmmakers who are vying for a chance at stardom. She was replaced after one episode by former Robin & Company entertainment anchor, Adrianna Costa.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Sheba, Baby – Afro-Squad Movie Mondays (Buy It)

Posted by admin On June - 13 - 2011

Super sexy soul sister Pam Grier (Jackie Brown) is hotter than dynamite in a role she fills with fiery determination. Proving she’s cool, tough and glamorousa female fantasy Wonder Woman (Los Angeles Times), Grier delivers a riveting, gutsy performance in this hard-hitting thriller that leaps from one death-defying scene to the next. Sheba Shayne is a private eye summoned to her hometown to help her father stop the mob from moving in on his loan business. But she gets too close to the fire, narrowly escaping the blast of a car bomb. Gunning for justice, Sheba vows to take revenge. Packing a .44 Magnum, a machine gun and a couple of surprises that will blow the bad guys away, she leaves a blazing trail of blood in her wake and puts the mob on the defensive until she’s duped into an ingenious plot that could flatten her curves forever.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Angelina Valentine Photo Gallery (Babe of the Week #10)

Posted by admin On June - 11 - 2011

Check out these HOT images of Angelina Valentine, The Classy Lady of the Week for 6/12/2011

Popularity: 37% [?]

Daily picdump (90 pics)

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On June - 8 - 2011

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If you want to see more great images, click on new hot damn pics

 

If you want your pics to hit our Daily picdump send them at content@izismile.com or you can upload your content directly on the site. The best of the submitted photos will appear in the next series.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://izismile.com/2011/06/08/daily_picdump_90_pics.html

Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On June - 8 - 2011

PHILADELPHIA-—During a post-game press conference Tuesday, Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels expressed disgust with opposing pitchers who assume he has no problem picking up their used tissues, candy wrappers, and empty cans between innings. “I’m not a maid,” said Hamels, adding that he always makes sure to sweep up, rake the dirt, and disinfect the rubber with Lysol before returning to the dugout. “I’m not asking for much—just that they be decent human beings and not turn the mound we share into their personal garbage dump.” Hamels claimed he issued a formal proposal to the MLB suggesting fines for litterbugs who ignore the multiple trash receptacles placed right next to the pitcher’s mound.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/u88TLjCp5pE/

NEW YORK—In response to critics calling on the NHL to suspend Canucks forward Alex Burrows for biting an opponent’s finger during the Stanley Cup Finals, league officials released a statement Tuesday saying that toothless hockey players gumming on one another is harmless and to be expected. “[Burrows] is going through a phase where his mouth is really hurting him, so it’s completely understandable that he would gum down on a competitor’s finger to get some relief,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, adding that most hockey players begin gumming on fellow competitors’ hands four to six months into the season. “Most of the time they’re not even angry when they do it. They’re just looking to explore. It’s actually kind of cute.” Bettman went on to say that the NHL “cares deeply” about athlete safety, and always makes sure not to leave any small objects around the ice that players could put into their mouths and choke on.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/c4uqRd1xmqc/

Senile Senator Allowed To Believe He Solved Immigration Crisis

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On June - 8 - 2011

WASHINGTON—According to colleagues, 87-year-old senile Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has been allowed to believe he permanently solved the nation’s immigration crisis in 2007. “What’s the harm?” Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) told reporters Tuesday. “He comes up and says, ‘It takes a lot to strike a bipartisan compromise on an issue as contentious as immigration, but I did it,’ and I just say, ‘You sure did, big guy!’ It makes him feel good.” Critics have argued that this is just another example of partisan favoritism, and that former Sen. Mark Hatfield (R-OR) should be allowed to think he is still a voting member of the Senate, or at least have access to the cafeteria.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/A3D7_Kb4wtI/

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School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question

June 8, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•23

An application for the Dry Creek School District in California has come under fire for asking if the child to be enrolled was delivered vaginally or via cesarean section. What do you think?

  • That’s good. I’m getting tired of having to provide that information in the ‘Other Comments’ section.

    Kelly Cartwright
    Machine Wedger

  • I’m sorry, but I think they have a right to know if a prospective student is one of those weird vagy kids.

    Dean Yarber
    Systems Analyst

  • Sounds like a pretty good way to find out what their moms are currently workin’ with.

    Paul Thomas
    Call-Out Operator

Recent American Voices
  • Scientists Trap Antimatter For Record Time

    06.07.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    Scientists at CERN trapped atoms of antihydrogen for more than 16 minutes, enabling them to study the elusive material more closely than ever.

  • Food Pyramid Scrapped

    06.06.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of “MyPlate,” a new plate-based dietary visualization tool.

  • Weiner Can’t Say Photo Isn’t Of Him

    06.03.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    While denying he sent the image to a female follower of his Twitter account, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) said he could not state with absolute certitude that he was not the man pictured in a photo showing an engorged penis covered by gray boxer-briefs.

  • Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial

    06.02.11 | ISSUE 47•22

    U.S. Park Police arrested five people for “expressive dancing” in the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

  • New Jersey To Pull Out Of Greenhouse Gas Agreement

    06.01.11 | ISSUE 47•22

    Republican governor Chris Christie announced he was removing New Jersey from a ten-state regional cap-and-trade program aimed at reducing carbon emissions.

Recent News »

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/GDtr33-AUt4/

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On June - 8 - 2011
  • This Year In Sports

    12.07.06 | ISSUE 42•52

  • Popularity: 1% [?]

    Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/nzTCC1F94zM/

    10 Hilarious Satire News Interpretation By Facebook

    Posted by Cha Cha Brown On June - 8 - 2011


    Published on Today 6/8/2011
    under Misc
    – by Gracie Murano
    - 22,315 views

    People can be very naïve sometimes, therefore, they believe everything they read, even if it comes from the world’s most famous satire newspaper, The Onion. There is a new blog called “Literally Unbelievable” dedicated to collect some of the funniest stories from The Onion as interpreted by Facebook.


    Little Camilla hiding out… that was good.
    (Link)


    How to milk a franchise.
    (Link)


    Yeap, just what I always wanted.


    Obama strikes again.


    Redneck environment… that sounds a little racist to me.


    (Link)


    Come on, even a 10 year-old could tell this wouldn’t be true.
    (Link)


    (Link)


    (Link)

    Subscribe by RSS:

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    PHOTOS: Surfing Dogs Learn New Tricks

    French Engineer Wants To Tug Icebergs To Parched Saudi Arabia

    Cowabunga! Totally Gnarly Surfing Madonna Mosaic Draws Mass Following

    Legal Battle: Should A Mother Ever Be Told She Can’t Breastfeed Her Child?

    Area 51 Conspiracy Theories Getting Too Wild For UFO Believers


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    15 Hilarious Pictures of Sh*t Ruined by Kids

    Popularity: 1% [?]

    Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97780.aspx

    The 8 Worst X-Men Ever

    Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On June - 8 - 2011

    Gaining superpowers by having accidentally-mutated DNA is like gaining control of a combine harvester by grabbing a random part: It might work, but you’ll probably end up looking like the Hellraiser sneezed. Which is why, for every Cyclops whining about how he can literally kill things as soon as he looks at them, there are eight genetic disasters sitting around Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters putting quotation marks around the word “gifted.”

    http://www.alternatecover.com
    Cypher leaps into action.

    Power: Omnilingualism

    Imagine charging into a fight against people with powers such as unkillability, lightning bolts and earthquakes, and you’ve got ancient Greek. Such is the plight of Cypher, who is like the cruel punch line to the riddle, “Which of Zeus’s powers would be the shittiest?” He can translate any language, but this power is “innate,” meaning he can’t understand or explain how — so basically he’s the Rain Man of the foreign language department, minus the gambling ability. In the comics, he functioned as a reverse Universal Translator. While the other mutants couldn’t speak other languages, all the aliens and foreigners have always spoken perfect English until he turned up, and the writers needed to justify his existence.

    Realizing they’d accidentally added “linguist” instead of “lasers,” the writers behind Cypher started torturing the English language in ways even Cypher couldn’t have justified to make him useful. He became a hacker because of programming languages, a master martial artist through body language and could even spot a building’s structural weaknesses because architecture something something language. If they’d remembered that “language of love” was a phrase, he could have seduced Magneto into surrender, and that still wouldn’t have been the gayest thing he’d done in a fight, since, for several issues, his combat strategy was to hide inside another X-Man — the shape-shifting alien Warlock.

    New Mutants #8
    A relationship which accidentally invented Yaoi several years too early.

    He was so useless that “feeling useless” became his character’s story arc, which was even more annoying to read than cursive Cyrillic, and his lame powers made him do both while Wolverine was off-panel kicking ass.

    Generation-X #48
    It would actually have been less embarrassing if those were 80s shoulder pads.

    Power: Biomechanical twin-maggot digestive system.

    Maggott was a disaster of late 90s X-tremitude. His stomach was two biomech slugs which could eat anything and give him superstrength, but he was really conflicted about it and had unnecessary letters in his name. He was basically the lovechild of Matter Eater Lad and Spawn.


    The worst superhero parents since Mr. and Mrs. Aquaman.

    His powers turned him blue and caused him constant pain, because very-easy-to-draw graphical differences and complaining are the X-Men writers and illustrators secret strengths. He also has the worst career arc of any X-Man: He was dumped by the X-Men into Generation-X, immediately dropped by Generation-X after one issue into a concentration camp, and when you’re dropped from a concentration camp it’s because you’re dead. Which happened, but wasn’t the worst part. Being ditched by Generation-X is quickly more humiliating for mutants than exposition-triggered incontinence: One of their core characters’ mutant power was molting, and another blew his own jaw off the first time he fired an energy blast.


    Sorry, Maggott — as you can see, we’re well stocked with hero material.

    Power: Six feet of extra-stretchy skin.

    Reed Richards is a conflicted superhero because he’s really smart but his power is really stupid. That is the only conflict Skin can resolve (by removing the smart part). His power is that he has six feet of extra-flappy skin he can control. If you noticed that skin should be measured in square feet because you’d need to measure its surface area, then well done on being smarter than the people paid to create new X-Men. He had the same powers as an ex-fat person, but without the dedication and self control required to earn it.

    Uncanny X-Men #318
    He also whined, but so did every X-Man with an X in their group name. Note how even his backpack has unnecessarily scrotal dangly flaps.

    Skin isn’t a combat organ. It’s so weak against damage we invented armor. Hell, it’s so weak against nothing at all we invented clothes. When your mutant power makes you more vulnerable to Indian rug burns, you really shouldn’t be calling attention to yourself. Advice Skin didn’t take. He was eventually crucified on the lawn of the X-Mansion, the wrong name was written on his gravestone and then he was dug up and cremated. That’s writing someone out of continuity with extreme prejudice.

    Excalibur #46 via Wikipedia

    Power(s): Sound recording, catness.

    Kylun could mimic any sound, directly causing an outbreak of voice-activated locks in terrorist forces worldwide. He also had magic swords which could not harm the pure of heart and looked like a lion, because Excalibur’s creators were all seven-years old and Lion-O doesn’t have lawyers. (Excalibur was the British X-Team, as you can tell by the way they having an extra letter in front of the “X” despite it being pronounced the same.) They were just smart enough to realize that mutant audio playback was a terrible idea, but not smart enough to be able to waste any idea they managed to have. The mess of random powers added on turned him into a cross between a Thundercat and a cassette deck, making him the second eightiest hero of all time.


    The first.

    He became increasingly feral as time went on just for something to do, despite that being the exact opposite of what happens when you hang around with people all the time. His one glorious moment came when a squad of “Warpies” assumed his sound-mimicking powers were no threat because they’d never seen Police Academy. His character was such an unemployable failure even in the X-community that his “happy ending” was finding and moving back in with his parents.

    marvel.com
    A more painful attempt to look cool than drinking liquid nitrogen.

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