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Archive for August, 2011

Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 24 - 2011

LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by women during childbirth. “Clinical studies show that as hair gradually separates from the scalp, men experience intensifying waves of all-consuming pain equivalent to having their insides ripped out through the thousands of tiny follicles on their head,” said Vincent Kwan, who led the all-male research team that carried out the study. “While strong uterine contractions and tearing of the vaginal walls undoubtedly cause a degree of discomfort among women in labor, balding men would give anything to experience those sensations instead of lying awake and suffering all night as their hair thins.” Kwan stated that men’s remarkable ability to endure years of excruciating agony without the aid of epidurals or other powerful analgesics was a testament to the sex’s unrivaled tolerance for pain.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/xwWaWH4E1wI/

Satire

White-Hot GOP Race Down To Two Mentally Ill People, Person Who Lost Nomination Last Time

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 24 - 2011

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/f2uh5sn1mso/

Satire

World’s Longest Nails

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 24 - 2011

Published on Today 8/24/2011
under Strange People
– by Nora Vega

Lee Redmond

Lee Redmond, a woman from Utah who has not cut her nails since 1979, had grown and carefully manicured them to reach a total length of 8.65 m (28 ft 4.5 in), and was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s longest fingernails. Sadly, on February, 2009, she lost them in a car crash.

(Link | Via)

Shridhar Chillal

Shridhar Chillal (born 1938, in India) holds the world record for the longest fingernails ever reached on a single hand, measuring 6.15 meters (20 feet 2.25 inches). Chillal’s longest nail is 4.25 feet. He started growing his nails in 1952.

Although Chillal is proud of his record breaking nails, he had increasing difficulties with their weight, which already caused his left fingers to become disfigured (and more or less useless). Due to nerve damage caused from the nails’ immense weight, Chillal is permanently deaf in the left ear (for he grew his fingernails on his left hand).

He finally cut off his nails in late 2000. However, he may make the odd appearance with his finger nails in tow. He appeared with his nails attached in the movie Jackass 2.5.

(Link)

Jazz Ison Sinkfield

Jazz Ison Sinkfield, a grandmother from Atlanta, Georgia, whose fingernails are around 24 inches long. She hopes her mega-manicure will give her the opportunity to meet Oprah and other celebrities, but in the meantime, she dishes out $250 for a five-hour-long session at the salon each month to maintain her fingertips.

(Link)

Louise Hollis

The longest toenails record belongs to Californian Louise Hollis who has managed to grow and maintain toenails that are approximately six inches long. This is facilitated by wearing nothing but open toed shoes, something that would be possible with the mild climate in her hometown of Compton, CA. Maintenance for her toes takes a total of two days each week when all the time for filing and painting them is combined.

(Link)

Wen Jian

A man in China has been growing the nails on his left hand for 14 years – to help him control his temper.

Wen Jian, 42, of Changle, Fujian province, says he was always getting into fights before he grew his nails. His longest nail is 35cm (14ins) long and prevents him from making his hand into a fist.

He is now better known for his nails than for fighting and has even opened a children’s clothes shop, called Long Nail.

But his long nails have also brought Wen some inconveniences – he has to keep his left hand in a shoe box each night to prevent him from breaking off the nails in his sleep.
(Link)

Melvin Feizel Boothe

Melvin Feizel Boothe of Pontiac, Michigan, was The official Guinness World Record ‘longest fingernails’ holder in 2010 .
His nails measured 9.85 m (32 ft 3.8 in).

Melvin Feizel Boothe of Pontiac, Michigan, was born on November 28th, 1948. He passed away suddenly on December 21, 2009, at 61 years of age. Melvin served in the U.S. Army and retired from Pontiac General Hospital after 27 years of service. Melvin was also recognized by The” Guinness Book of World Records” for the longest nails on a pair of hands.
(Link)

Lauretta Adams

Lauretta Adams, 43, from Dallas, Texas, had her fingernails cut in October 1997, ending her bid to have the longest in the world. She had been growing them for 24 years. One was 35in (89cm) long and their combined length was 12ft 6in (381cm). She had some way to go to beat the record of 18ft 10ins (574cm) held by a man in India.
(Link)

Li Jian Ping of Shishi

How desperate are you be to become famous? What lengths would you go to stand out in a crowd? Meet Li Jianping, 43, of Shishi City, Fujian province, in China. Li Jianping grew his nails out because he wanted to be part of a fad led by the Jackass movie. The long-nailed man lives up to the name of the movie! Twenty-seven years of not grooming one’s nails results in this.
(Link)

Dee Adams

Dee’s nails help her make a living doing promotions in her home town of Chicago, USA.
(Link)

Barbara Wing

Barbara Wing of Salt Lake City, Utah, didn’t reach the record books but her nails are strangely beautiful. She had been growing her fingernails for over fifteen years when she had this nail art applied.
(Link)

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Popularity: 3% [?]
Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97868.aspx

Satire

Heather Brook Lost Photos – Two Dozen!!!

Posted by admin On August - 23 - 2011

Based on the popularity of our previous image set of Heather Harmon, we pulled another dozen images of our favorite Internet icon. Heather gained great popularity in the early 21st century as one of the Internet’s first adult models. Now she is retired from the business, but she is still very well known, sometimes as Heather Brooke… a name that was incorrectly labeled upon her on early file sharing systems.

Check out Afro-Squad.com for more information about this beautiful buxom babe! We even interviewed her not too long ago, and that is one of the few Heather Brooke Interviews on the net!!!

Popularity: 81% [?]

Babes, Featured

5 Physical Details That Reveal Highly Personal Information

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 23 - 2011

As we mentioned here, with just a pair of eyeballs, a ruler and a negligent sense of propriety or fear, you can learn a whole mess of intimate details about any person at any given time. But why stop there? Here are five more shockingly personal things you can guess about anyone just by looking at them.

None of these are 100 percent, and you should not use any of them to make unfair assumptions about people. It is only in the name of entertainment that we point out that researchers have found …

#5. You Can Tell How Honest Someone Is by Their Cheekbones (Sometimes)

Let’s say you’ve never seen Star Wars. If you saw a picture of this guy, without knowing any of the context, would you say he’s a good guy, or a bad guy?

Clearly he has villain written all over his face. But why?

Likewise, in real life sometimes you meet people that you immediately distrust — something about their faces just makes them look like shady characters. Maybe it’s the way he’s standing in a dark alley, bedecked in a trench coat with the collar pulled up while pointing a gun at your skull. Or it could just be something about his face you don’t like.

It turns out scientists have figured out what that “something” is.

Getty
It’s Carrot Top, isn’t it? It’s Carrot Top.

How? Tell Me!

The cheekbones. While male models with chiseled faces might be effective in selling you underwear, in real life guys with wide cheekbones strike people as untrustworthy. And apparently there’s a reason: Research shows that on average they’re actually less honest. According to experiments, anyway.

Scientists at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland did a study and found that men with wider cheekbones not only cheated more at the game they were assigned to play, but also that when they screwed their fellow players over, those players were more likely to expect it. All they needed was a look at their faces.

Getty
“I’m almost certain a pair of twos and a seven doesn’t beat a straight flush.”

The researchers think it may be because wider cheekbones don’t form until puberty and are an indication of how big a man is going to get. Larger men tend to be more aggressive and are less likely to feel like they have to obey society’s rules — it’s easier to screw somebody over when you know you can kick his ass if he complains. Even in jobs where aggressiveness is rewarded, like professional sports, researchers found that, “broad-faced … players spend more time in the penalty box.”

Those researchers did not point out that Darth Vader was designed to have exaggerated cheekbones, but seriously, check it out:

Via Halloweencostumes.com

And are we crazy, or did they also add them to the Jigsaw puppet from Saw as well:

Via Sideshowtoy.com

And is it any wonder Christopher Lee made his career playing villains?

His next role? Governor of Texas.

Please keep in mind, the statistical difference is slight, and this is useful only for understanding why we feel weird about people with that face shape. Please don’t immediately stab the next dude you see with wide cheekbones, or assume he’s always lying. That probably makes you the bad guy.

Via Celebrific.com
Besides, at 7′ 1″ and 420 lbs., you’ll just piss him off.

#4. Want to Know How Much Sex a Guy Is Having? Look at His Baby Pictures

If ’80s teen sex romp comedies have taught us anything, it’s that losing your virginity is just about as important as whether or not you’re alive at all. Statistically speaking, there’s actually a pretty solid way to know if a guy is going to be a junior man (CENSORED) or the 40-year-old virgin.

How? Tell Me!

By finding out how fat he was as a baby.

Photos.com
“In 10 years, I’ll be ankle deep in bitches.”

Scientists at Northwestern University in Illinois studied 770 men from birth until they were 22 years old. From that, they found that infants who gained weight the fastest had sex earlier, got laid more often and reported higher numbers of sex partners. Also, they were more athletic later in life.

Via Thetoptensite.com
20,000 women … most dominant basketball player of all time … huge fatass.

The reason, according to the researchers, might have to do with something called the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis, a triumvirate of glands that control a buttload of stuff, including sex hormone production. The same surge in weight gain that makes fatter babies between birth and 6 months of age also predicted a similar surge in sexual hormones years later, one that hits before their skinny baby buddies get theirs.

Photos.com
“Best back up because I’m about to drop a (CENSORED) on someone.”

By hitting sexual maturity earlier, they get a big fat head start on the sex game, and if the numbers are any indication of anything, they’re taking advantage of that early bird special.

#3. If He Has a Bigger Penis, He Is More Likely to Be Gay

We have previously mentioned that finger length ratio and the direction of a person’s hair swirl were good indicators of whether someone was more likely to be gay. The problem with those measurements is that they’re pretty hard to get without posing as a manicurist-slash-barber. Plus, if you’re getting that intimate with another man’s fingers and scalp, you’re probably already pretty certain of which way the pendulum swings.

Photos.com
“Titties might not be my thing.”

The good news is that we’ve got another measurement that’s a little easier to spot from distance, and is, statistically speaking, a decent indication of sexuality. The bad news is that, well, you’ll see.

How? Tell Me!

It’s dick size. Gay men usually have bigger dicks. So, this is probably one you’ll have to try in the locker room.

Photos.com
“You know, it never occurred to me until I was staring at your bare penis, but …”

This was a massive study, by the way. Between 1938 and 1963, the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction conducted the study on 5,122 men. First, the guys were put into two groups, straight and gay. Then the men measured their junk in five different ways. On all five counts, gay men reported larger penises than heterosexual men.

That’s right, guys. Length, circumference, the whole sha-wang. When erect, a gay man’s penis is an average of 1/3 of an inch longer than a straight guy’s. It’s also chubbier. Perhaps even more interestingly, massive gay junk seems to be skewing the overall average penis length up to 6 inches, while the average straight man’s is actually just a fraction shorter than that.

Via This NSFW Site
And let’s not even get on the subject of balls.

The only thing is, no one was actually taking a tape measure to the test subjects’ boners (they were measuring themselves), so we don’t know if the numbers were 100 percent accurate. But current researchers say that there is no reason to believe gay guys would exaggerate their numbers more than straight guys. So while the numbers might be inflated overall, the discrepancy is almost certainly still legitimate.

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/9ZBXeOrgeaw/article_19383_5-physical-details-that-reveal-highly-personal-information.html

Satire

Should Bert and Ernie Get Married?

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 23 - 2011

For a long time, a “gay marriage” meant a legal relationship that was exceptionally merry, or lively in mood. Then for awhile the term was used to describe a legal relationship which was kind of lame or uncool. Recent events have given us yet another definition, this time now for a union between a pair of fellas or lady-fellas. And that’s just swell, unless you’re one of those folks instantly furious at the idea of a couple Randys slicing a tiered cake with two little action figures atop it.

I’m outraged with delight at the idea of it.

On the Internet, people have gotten so gay for gay marriage, that things have even gotten a little gay, if you know what I mean. (Do you? I’m seriously asking. I’ve kind of lost track.) Aside from the obvious jokes (see the paragraph above for a pretty good sampling) there have been efforts to publicly out and badger gay or possibly gay fictional characters. Most notably, last week the makers of Sesame Street had to respond to an Internet petition requesting the beloved children’s characters Bert and Ernie get married.

This is actually something people on the Internet do all the time, just finding things that people like and gaying them up. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all done it: it’s just a normal, healthy part of growing up. In this particular case, the Internet gay-mongers were keying in on a couple well known facts about Bert and Ernie, like the fact that they’re both men and share the same bedroom and have lived together for 40 years. The producers of Sesame Street have since pointed out that that’s all perfectly reasonable, because a) they’re Muppets, and b) seriously people, they’re Muppets. Bert and Ernie are just good friends, characters meant to show that people who are different — in this case an orange moron and a yellow (CENSORED) — can still be good friends.

But why were we told second hand? Why couldn’t Bert and Ernie respond to this themselves? As an enterprising fictional reporter, I had to find out. So after a few phone calls and some desperate leveraging of Cracked’s reputation as a fellow children’s entertainment empire, I was able to visit Bert and Ernie on the set of Sesame Street last week.

Cracked: Hi guys. It’s a pleasure to meet the both of you. I’m just a real huge fan of your stuff.

Ernie: Oh thanks!

Bert: Yeah. Good.

Cracked: As I was preparing my notes for this interview, I realized that you two are actually possibly the first reality TV stars, in a sense. You’ve got cameras installed in every room of your house that watch you as you go about your day. Watching pigeons, admiring numbers, preparing for bed, everything.

Bert: We never really get the credit for that. The media is a little biased against the innovations and craftsmanship that occur in daytime TV.

Cracked: Of course. Like how special effects wizards and daily cat blood infusions kept Bob Barker alive until the age of 118, but it’s never been mentioned in any medical journals.

Ernie: Or how it’s sunny out during the day time.

-Long silence-

Cracked: What.

Bert: Don’t mind him. He’s trying. That’s not quite what we’re talking about, Ernie.

Ernie: Oh. Sorry Bert. I get confused. Maybe they should call it suntime instead of daytime? Maybe that would be less confusing.

Bert: Maybe. You want to keep going?

Cracked: I guess … sure. Wow. OK, one question I guess I have to ask is: How much of the drama that we see on Sesame Street is scripted?

Bert: It’s all basically real. These are the actual events that happen in our lives. But when you’ve got a camera crew there all the time, what’s really real?

Cracked: So you guys maybe play things up a bit for the cameras?

Bert: Sure. I mean I’m the boring kind of (CENSORED)y guy. That’s my appeal, my role to play. I know it.

Cracked: And Ernie you’re not as dumb you sometimes act?

Ernie: Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m that fat, no. Just shorter than Bert, that’s all.

-Bert’s eyebrow crinkles. We share a look-

Cracked: Right. OK. Also on the subject of reality shows, Bert, as someone of Italian descent who’s from the New York area, how do you feel about the antics these Jersey Shore kids get up to? Do you feel they’re demeaning your community?

Bert: What? I’m not Italian. Why would you think I’m Italian?

Cracked: I … But you’re from somewhere around the Mediterranean?

Bert: Nope. Why would you think that?

Cracked: I … don’t know. -checks notes- Bad research. Although, I guess that brings me as neatly as possible to my next point, which is also on the subject of things you’re not. Bert, Ernie: Are you gay much?

Ernie: What’s gay?

Bert: No. Is that what this was all about? -Bert’s eyebrow looks annoyed

Cracked: It’s pretty classless of me to ask, I agree, but, I think, more honest than simply implying you’re gay behind your back, like so many lesser organizations have done.

Bert: -Eyebrow still obviously angry- Let me show you something. -Bert shifts over from behind the table upon which we’ve been having our interview. He lifts up his shirt, revealing a bespectacled puppeteer beneath him.-

Cracked: No genitals.

Bert: Precisely. -retreats behind table- It doesn’t make sense to assign a sexuality to us, because we’re clearly not sexual beings. We’re Muppets.

Cracked: I hadn’t thought of it that way.

Bert: The only Muppet who has ever had sex was the Swedish Chef in the 1970s. It happened one time, and his puppeteer was fired the next day. It took three weeks to get the smell off him.

Cracked: The puppeteer or the Swedish Chef?

Aweenda shmure da spredem legs. Bork, bork, bork!

Ernie: Bert? Bert? What’s sex Bert?

Bert: I’ll tell you later.

Ernie: Is this that bent line thing again Bert?

Cracked: The what?

Bert: When this gay marriage thing hit the news, Ernie asked me what “gay” meant.

Cracked: I see. And you told him it was the opposite of straight, and he decides that meant something actually bent.

“Heeeeeeeelllllloooooo, sailor!”

Bert: Right.

Cracked: Also wrong.

Bert: Also wrong. Anyways, once the cameras were off, I sort of walked him through it. It was hellish.

Cracked: Here I’m imagining you showed him a picture of something straight rubbing up on a girl.

Bert: No, I basically explained to him it was a special type of hug that makes babies.

Cracked: It can also be used to consolidate your family’s political strength, Ernie.

Ernie: Ohhhh. I get it now!

-Ernie runs off-

Cracked: Where’d he go?

Bert: I don’t know. I stopped asking about 20 years ago. Just appreciate it while it lasts.

Cracked: Trouble in paradise, Bert?

Bert: Ha ha. Even best friends need some time apart.

-Ernie runs back-

Ernie: Bert! Bert! I just had straight sex, Bert!

Cracked: Well this sounds promising.

Bert: I’m confident that you did not, Ernie.

Ernie: No! I did! With a girl, Bert! Just like you said!

Cracked: Which girl?

Ernie: I didn’t catch her name.

Cracked: Wow. You’re just diving in at the deep end, hey?

Bert: I wouldn’t get too excited about this. If I know Ernie, this is some stupid confusion centered around a misunderstood word. He hasn’t had sex with anyone.

Ernie: No! I have, Bert! Watch!

-Ernie runs off-

Bert: How are we supposed to watch if you keep running off?

Cracked: I don’t know, but whatever is happening, I’m feeling strong, basic urges that I need to watch it happen.

Bert: I’m pretty sure you’ll change your mind after you have.

Cracked: What do you think Ernie’s actually doing?

Bert: Let’s see … He thinks sex is a special type of hug that makes babies, so …

Cracked: He’s spooning a stork?

Bert: Or fondling eggs at the supermarket.

Cracked: He might be wrestling with a doctor.

Bert: Because doctors make babies?

Cracked: I mean if you don’t understand the process, yeah, you could imagine a doctor rooting around in there, fabricating a baby. That’s basically how I understood things until I was about 20.

-Ernie races back in-

Ernie: I did it Bert! I had sex again!

Cracked: Who was it this time Ernie?

Ernie: The pink martian!

The pink one is the hottest one.

Cracked: Is that even a girl?

Bert: No. He’s not.

Cracked: Is it even a he? I mean it’s got a man’s voice, but are we actually assigning genders to a fluffy mop head? Although it does look a little like a vagina.

Bert: That’s nasty. Ernie, you’re nasty.

Ernie: You’re just jealous, Bert.

Cracked: Ernie, I’m going to have to agree with Bert here, although I do think that he’s also a bit jealous. Whether you’re straight or gay or an asexual being of felt, you don’t need to prove anything to me or anyone else. Running around sleeping around with a whole mess of Muppets because of what people say about you is a bad idea. That’s muppet-sluttishness — Sluppetishness?

Ernie: But then people will stop saying I’m gay.

Cracked: People won’t stop saying that, Ernie. Because people are jerks.

Bert: Easy. I don’t know if he’s ready …

Ernie: No, people are good. Everyone I know is so nice to me.

Cracked: That’s because you live on Sesame Street, Ernie. Oh, that we all could live on Sesame Street, my friend. But we can’t. It’s just for you and your friends, Ernie, and you should be glad for it. The rest of us live in a far worse world. It’s full of Internets and griefers and Kardashians, and it’s all just awful.

Ernie: What do you mean?

Cracked: You know Oscar the Grouch? You know how he’s kind of mean?

Ernie: Sure I know Oscar!

Cracked: Now imagine if Oscar was on fire and had a sword. That’s what everyone is like all the time in the real world. Furious and screaming in pain and seconds from killing you.

Ernie: That sounds awful.

Bert: He’s exaggerating, Ernie.

-I show them my sword; more of a long knife really-

Bert: Holy shit.

It was just my basic Cracked-issue work machete, not the weekend one.

Cracked: You understand now why you never need to do anything to impress us? Or to change our minds about anything? We’re awful people, Ernie, and you shouldn’t care what we say or do. Just be yourself. Be your own beautiful tangerine shaped self.

Ernie: Please don’t kill me.

Cracked: Ernie, Ernie. I could never kill you, Ernie. Bert, I could probably never kill you. -puts away machete- I don’t even like killing. But you know, I take public transit and all. There’s going to be some killings. -big staged shrug-

Bert: What did you mean, probably?

Cracked: It means likely, but not definitely. -looks at watch- Well I see I’ve soiled another one of my childhood icons, though only figuratively this time. So … -checks notes- I’m going to mark you both down as not gay, and let the Internet know. You make sure to let me know if anything changes, and if it does, I’m really happy for you.

___________

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/F6bv8RWBS4k/

Satire

PIPPA MIDDLETON LOVE TRIANGLE

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 23 - 2011

LONDON -Â Pippa has two aggressive suitors:Â banker Alex Loudon and Prince Harry.Â Who will win her heart?

Pippa Middleton, the youngster sister of the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, has been seen in the last week with both r Alex Loudon, the city banker and former cricketer (he accompanied Pippa Middleton to the Royal Wedding in April 2011) and Prince Harry, who has told Royal insiders that he will fight for Pippa’s heart.

Speculation that Pippa had split from Alex intensified last month after she was spotted with Prince Harry at The Troubador pub in Chelsea.Â BA friend of Middleton is quoted as saying, “It is common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up”.

But sources close to Pippa say that she never split from Alex. “She’s seeing Alex and she’s also spending time with Harry.Â She’s confused.Â She’s madly in love withÂ them both.”

Loudon, a promising cricketer who was once selected for England, announced his retirement from the game in 2007, enrolling at the London Business School one year later. The couple’s relationship appears to have become strained under the intense media interest in Pippa following her appearance as maid-of-honour at the Royal Wedding.

But, after the Royal Wedding Pippa reportedly “hooked up” with Harry during a stay at Buckingham Palace.Â They two were seen together at clubs throughout London.Â Prince Harry was “completely smitten,” according to oneÂ bartender that served them in Camden.

Prince Harry recently did a “Couples Triathalon” with Pippa:

There’s even a third suitor vying for Pippa’s hand:Â Â her old college friend George Percy, the son of the Duke of Northumberland.

Following her graduation from the University of Edinburgh, Pippa Middleton currently works as an event planner, while also helping out with her parent’s online party website and editing the web-magazine ‘Party Times’.

Prince Harry told WWN that “Alex has nothing on me.Â He might be good at cricket, but he’s got nothing on me.Â I love Pippa and I hope she will become my bride in the near future.

But Alex isn’t going to give up on Pippa and let “the Royal redhead” take her away from me.Â “He’s lost the plot if he thinks he will take Pippa away from me.Â Â She belongs with me.Â I am the only man that can make her happy.”

When asked by WWN if he would fight the Prince in a cage match (sponsored by WWN), Alex immediately responded. “Yes, he won’t last five seconds.”Â Â Prince Harry has yet to respond to the catch match, “Fight For Pippa” but sources close to him says he likes the idea and will welcome the chance to put Alex in his place.

Royal watchers say Pippa is distraught because she loves both men equally.Â Though, she looked at ease last week:

Meanwhile, there’s another suitor for Pippa.Â A man who thinks she’s a goddess:

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/37363/pippa-middleton-love-triangle/

Weekly World News

WILL SMITH DIVORCING JADA – TO BE WITH MADONNA

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 23 - 2011

HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith is separating from his wife Jada Pinkett Smith so he can be with his “true love” – Madonna.

Will and Jada have been married for 13 years now and have two children together, Jaden and Willow.Â They have long been considered the example of a Hollywood couple that can withstand fame and fortune and remain true to each other.

But, then came Madonna.

She sang “Crazy for You” to Smith at a private concert in London.Â Then he got on the stage and sang to her – “Get Jiggy With It.”

“Will has been close to Madonna since the 80s,” said a source close to Smith.Â “He’s always been in love with her and recently on a trip to London, the two became… closer.”Â It’s a “Summertime” romance.

Madonna plans to move to Hollywood – with her children – to live with Smith in a new Bel Air mansion that Smith has purchased for $15 million. Smith will, literally, be the “Prince of Bel Air” and Madonna will be his Princess.

There have been rumors that Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith both have gay lovers, but WWN has confirmed the stories to be false.

Jada and WillÂ met when Pinkett auditioned for “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,” and married on December 31st, 1997. They have two children together, budding pop stars Jaden and Willow, and Pinkett is the step mother of Smith’s older son from a previous marriage, Trey.

In 2008, Smith spoke with Ellen DeGeneres about his marriage, which he implied would last forever.

“What I found is divorce just can’t be an option,” he said. “It’s really that simple. And I think that’s the problem with L.A. â€“ there are so many options. So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options.”

Here’s the family in happier times – pre-Madonna:

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/37379/will-smith-divorcing-jada-to-be-with-madonna/

Weekly World News

Area Man Directs Customers To Superior Value In All-Weather Radials, Yet Feels Nothing

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/fJ6DyaaswUA/

Satire

American Voices: ‘Extreme Couponing’ Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?

You shouldn’t judge until you’ve experienced the high that comes with saving 50 cents on a box of Hamburger Helper.

Stuart Jackson
Foam Charger

I’ll keep an eye out for anyone who seems to be buying more than their share of mayonnaise and Dr. Scholl’s Corn and Bunion Pads.

Sarah McCrimmon
Accelerator Operator

I cut out the middleman and just steal the groceries I want.

Mitch Waterfield
Systems Analyst

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/ZG-BeHxGKc8/

Satire

DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. “If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated,” said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z’s not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. “My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we’re going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there’s no tomorrow.” Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or “just take them down yourself.”

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/cGn6xXooW0Q/

Satire

[audio] Area Neighbors Protest Tree-House Acquisition of M-80 Technology

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.

In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.

Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

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Satire

American Voices: Qaddafi Regime Ends

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –>

Qaddafi Regime Ends

August 22, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•34

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi’s reign. What do you think?

Yeah! We did it! Didn’t we?

Dominic Heriot
Running Rigger

This is a victory for the Libyan people. Just look at the jubilant crowds on the streets of Tripoli. I assume the women are enjoying quiet celebrations at home.

Amy Lethbridge-Stewart
Glass Tinter

I’m tired of countries not having the courtesy to contact people to reschedule their tourism-surgery before they have a revolution.

Keith Shaw
Pattern Hand

Recent American Voices

‘Extreme Couponing’ Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

08.22.11 | ISSUE 47•34

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?

Abercrombie Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is “contrary to the aspirational image of the brand.” …

1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls

08.18.11 | ISSUE 47•33

According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, 30 percent of cell phones users aged 18 to 29 have feigned calls in the past month to avoid certain social situations.

FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

08.17.11 | ISSUE 47•33

The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police’s second fatal shooting since 2009.

Pawlenty Drops Out

08.16.11 | ISSUE 47•33

Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president.

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08.19.11

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08.17.11

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08.17.11

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08.16.11

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08.15.11

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/n1RdCLwVfvk/

Satire

10 Unique Beaches

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

Published on Today 8/23/2011
under Cool Places
– by Gracie Murano

Glass Beach

Glass Beach is a section of coastline in MacKerricher State Park in California. After World War II, it was used as a public dump for two decades until local officials halted the practice. Since that time, the waves have worn smooth the glass shards disposed on the shore. However sad is the original cause, the result is quite pretty.
(Link | Via)

Inland Beach

Gulpiyuri beach is near Llanes in Spain. Gulpiyuri’s name isn’t its only bizarre facet: this beach is found completely inland in a gorgeous little cove which looks like something out of a fantasy. The Cantabrian Sea bored through the earth to create this sandy spot, and though you can’t see the ocean, its waves to lap the shore just like any beach — it’s odd, like a magical wave pool.
(Link | Via)

Bowling Ball Beach

On the Californian coast is a town called Mendocino. Nearby is a coastal feature called Schooner Gulch, and this is where you can feast your eyes on what has become known as the ‘Bowling Ball Beach’. Thousands of rocks appear to have gathered together to defy the tides like an army of small boulders. The weird thing is that these boulders are uniform in size and shape, as well as in their spacing, though man has nothing to do with it.
The explanation is simple and purely geological in nature. Technically called concretions, these hard spheres are composed of materials far more resilient than the Cenozoic mudstone that once surrounded them. Over millions of years, this has eroded away under the constant onslaught of the Pacific Ocean, forming the cliffs that line the shore behind the beach and leaving the tougher ‘bowling balls’ behind.
(Link)

World’s Most Crowded Beach

Reputed to be the largest sandy beach in Asia, world’s probably number one bathing beach is situated on Huiquan Bay in Qingdao, Shandong Province. Also called Huiquan Bathing Beach, this beach is noted for its clear water, mild waves and soft sand. Even in winter this place is crowded with keen swimmers.
(Link)

Airport Beach

Barra Airport is probably the only airport in the world where planes land on the beach. BRR is situated in on the wide beach of Traigh Mhor, on Barra island, in the Outer Hebrides, Scotland. If you want to fly here commercially you will want to book with British Airways, which flies to Barra from Glasgow and Benbecula.
The airport is literally washed away by the tide once a day, and if you arrive on a late afternoon flight, you may notice a couple of cars in the parking lot with their lights on, which provides pilots some added visibility, since the airport is naturally lit. Needless to say you probably don’t want to hang out at Barra Airport beach, unless you are a aviation junkie, in which case Barra Airport has a fool proof system, as sign that reads: “Keep off the beach. When the windsock is flying and the airport is active.”
(Link)

Hot Water Beach

Hot Water Beach is a popular geothermal attraction in New Zealand. This unusual beach attracts 130,000 visitors each year. The hot water can reach 64ºC (147ºF), but you’ll have to dig up a hole to enjoy it. These underground water reservoirs are formed by volcanoes as it reaches the surface. It’s just the perfect location for a nice hot bath. Don’t forget to bring some digging instruments and a bucket.
(Link)

Refrigerated Beach

The Palazzo Versace Dubai property development is now 80 percent complete, according to the Emirates Sunland Group, the developer behind the £400 million project. As a world premier, the hotel will have the first ever refrigerated beach which will include a system of heat-absorbing pipes built under the sand and giant wind blowers, designed to keep tourists cool in the searing 40-50C heat.
(Link)

Red Sand Beach

The beach is located south of Hana Bay and it’s also known as the Red Sand Beach. The trail leading to the beach is on a cliff edge and visitors should be very careful. Water shoes are recommended. The red color of the sand is given by a nearby cinder cone hill surrounding the bay. Swimming here is a different experience from everything you’ve tried before, just be aware of currents and don’t swim behind the lava sea wall. Because the beach is so secluded, nudism is not uncommon.
(Link)

World’s Whitest Sand Beach

There’s a quiet spot on the NSW South Coast that deserves loud acclamation, Tony Grantham discovers. At first glance, Jervis Bay is not the sort of place to inspire thoughts of world records and extravagant claims. But for a quiet spot it has big tickets on itself, though to be fair, the claims are fully justified. It has an entry in the Guinness Book of Records as having the whitest sand in the world (officially at Hyams Beach, though many others around there are similarly blessed) and the astonishing fact that the bay is at least six times bigger in volume and four times bigger in area than Sydney Harbour.
(Link)

Green Sand Beach

Papakolea Beach is a green sand beach located at South Point, in the Kau district of the Island of Hawaii. One of only two green sand beaches in the world, the other being in Guam, the beach gets distinctive coloring from olivine crystals found in a nearby cinder cone.
(Link)

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Satire

21 Images You Won’t Believe Aren’t Photosphopped (Part 8)

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 22 - 2011

This is the latest edition of our most popular feature, in which we demonstrate that the truth is stranger than Photoshop. Here are more photos that will make every poster in the comment section scream “FAKE!” but are absolutely real.

In case you missed the previous episodes, here’s Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, the gritty reboot that doesn’t acknowledge the previous editions, Part 6 and Part 7.

And now …

#21. You Are Now Ascending to the Fourth Circle of Hell …

Via Buzzhunt.co.uk

This looks like a bank of escalators seconds before they were buried under a lava flow, but it’s actually one of about a hundred decorated subway stations under Stockholm, Sweden, where the natural bedrock ceiling has been painted. Each station has its own design, earning them the title of world’s longest art gallery.

If nothing else, it has to make it a hell of a lot easier to figure out if you’re at the right stop.

Via Wikimedia Commons
“Hmmm … this has less magma than I remember.”

#20. The First Name the Aliens Will See …

Via Forbes

Yes, that’s a satellite photo, and yes, there really is a gigantic set of connecting canals spelling “HAMAD” in Abu Dhabi.

Oil sheik Hamad bin Hamdan Al Nahyan of Abu Dhabi is the douchebag who paid to have his name etched into the sand so that it would be visible from space. At least we know all that $4 per gallon gasoline we’re buying is helping to support a good cause.

Though maybe the biggest takeaway from this is realizing that at least one super wealthy oil sheik is a huge fan of The Tick.

Via Forbes
Admit it — you would have drawn a dong.

#19. This Makes Us Dizzy No Matter How Long We Look

Via Parisdailyphoto.com

We’ve previously covered perspective artwork in basically every previous episode in this series, but we never get tired of it. This one is located in Paris, and creating the illusion is actually way harder than what you think — the patch of grass isn’t level at all.

Via Making Of

What we love about this sort of thing is that to anyone standing in any other spot, it’s not at all clear why this weird grid appears in the middle of the city square. Then you stand at the end and your head spins trying to make sense of it.

Probably doesn’t seem worth it to the guy who has to mow that shit.

#18. Alright, Nature Is Just Screwing With Us Now

Via Guardian.co.uk

Oh, bullshit. Are we supposed to believe a bunch of flamingos all got together and stood in the shape of a flamingo?

Yes, unless you think National Geographic isn’t above just screwing with us for web traffic. Though we guess it’s possible that photographer Robert Haas and his team waded out into the water and carefully taped a bunch of flamingos together while a helicopter circled above, radioing down instructions. Or maybe he’s the Beastmaster.

#17. If Barry Bonds Juices in the Pros, I Should Be Able to in T-Ball

Via Allfunny-stuff.com

Oh, come on. You can even see where the chin has been grafted onto the neck. What, is this from some “stick your child’s head onto a muscle body” booth at the state fair? Or is this one of those deals where you stick your face through a hole from behind?

Nope, this ripped, Taylor Hanson lookalike is a 16-year-old Ukrainian named Richard Sandrak. While at 16 most of us were happy enough with our newfound ability to grow a peach fuzz mustache, this kid has a six pack that makes most professional athletes look flabby. We’re guessing the difference in skin tone between body and face is due to the liberal application of body oil.

#16. When Pavement Splits Like a Ribbon

Via Boston.com

No joking here, this perfectly split road is the aftermath of the massive earthquake in Japan earlier this year. The way the highway split exactly along the orange line is what makes most people call bullshit, but it’s even weirder than that — check out the perfectly straight break along the horizontal in the foreground. The newspapers that ran the photo offered no explanation as to why it’s possible for it to so cleanly split like that, so we’ll go with the numerous Internet commenters’ explanation that since roads are constructed and repaved one lane at a time, it creates a natural seam there. Sure, why not?

#15. “You Know What They Awoke in the Darkness of Khazad-dum …”

Via Archdaily.com

This photo will determine exactly what type of geek you are. Half of you will see it as the Mines of Moria in Fellowship of the Ring where Frodo and the gang were ambushed by orcs. The rest of you will think, “video game sewer.” It is in fact a giant flood control system in Saitama, Japan. Though when you see some of the other pics, it’s pretty much video game level all the way:

Via Archdaily.com

If you’re still calling fake, you can apparently book tours of the place if you want to see it in person. And by “it” we mean the Balrog.

#14. And I Bet Those Bastards Didn’t Cancel School

Via Genjutsu.es

This looks like some comical magazine advertisement for all-weather tires, in some magical land where the snow gets to be three times as high as a house.

But, no, for the third straight entry we are in Japan, where the laws of physics do not apply. Specifically, it’s Tateyama Kurobe Alpine Route, where they receive up to 20 meters of snow a year.

Via Nashvillewx.com

If you’re wondering how in the world they dig out those perfect lanes, it takes a backhoe, a giant snow blower and patience. Here’s a video:

#13. Harry Potter and the Curse of Hedwig’s Ghost

Via BBC.co.uk

This spectral owl is reported to be an actual imprint left by a tawny owl that crashed into the glass window of an Englishwoman’s home. Judging by the picture, it seems that owls must take a little roll around in a pile of cocaine before taking flight. Which would also explain their inability to avoid crashing directly into a house.

If you think the woman just painted that onto her window with flour or something in order to fool the news cameras, you’ll find that those kinds of white bird imprints are fairly common.

Via Spluch.blogspot.com

The white stuff is not in fact cocaine, but powder down, little bits of down feathers that many birds have piled up on their skin.

#12. God, Bored at a Meeting, With a Box of Highlighters

Via Dailymail

What looks like the work of an extremely unimaginative child and some Magic Markers are actually tulips, which are grown in Holland every spring and sold all over the world.

On one hand, it makes for a cool aerial photo. On the other, it says something about mankind that we take the world’s glorious, colorful beauty and immediately go about mass producing it in boring, perfect rows of clockwork efficiency.

Via Daillymail
“Those rows are not conforming! Destroy them!”

#11. If It’s Not Photoshop, It’s a Van Gogh

Via National Geographic

This shot doesn’t look so much like a Photoshop as it does a painting. It generated so much buzz that National Geographic actually had to track down photographer Frans Lanting in Africa to explain what’s going on in his photo for the people calling bullshit.

Basically what you’re seeing behind the trees isn’t the sky, it’s a sand dune (the white blotches are patches of white grass). The colors look off because the photo was taken at dawn, so the orange dune itself was bathed in light, while the foreground was still in shadow (that’s why the white clay of the foreground winds up looking blue, and the trees look like terrifying silhouettes).

#10. The Mountain Range With the Dragon Tattoo

Via Nevsedoma.com.ua

Virtually every aspect of this shot looks to be faked, from the reflections in the water to the variation in lighting across the countryside. Alas, it’s just a well framed photo of an actual lake in Portugal, which does in fact happen to very much resemble a giant blue dragon about to bite the hell out of that city.

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