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Archive for August, 2011

5 Insane New Uses for Old School Military Weapons

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 22 - 2011

Having a war is a little like having a baby; it requires massive stockpiles of all the best tools, toys and clothes to ensure the greatest chance of success, all the while knowing that the kid will outgrow everything within a year. War outpaces its own technology constantly and while the parents of a child can just carry the clothes and cribs to Goodwill after its all over, war leaves heaps of deadly equipment and weapons littered all over the world. Sadly, not even the Salvation Army will accept landmines.

The buckets just aren’t big enough.

Even though the military can use some of its old advancements as hand-me-downs to the general public, more often than not it’s stuck with massive amounts of rusting technology made obsolete by peace, or more likely, better technology. So what is everyone supposed to do with all the leftovers?

The solution could be as simple as finding other questions that this technology can still answer. Granted, the new uses for old technology are not always benign. These were, after all, weapons originally designed to tear, poke or melt people to death, so some of the solutions are equal parts evil and ingenuity. Still, it’s nice to see people recycle.

#5. Coming Home to a Nazi Bunker

After all the bodies and bullet casings were picked up from WWII and the reconstruction of small towns had started, Western Europe still had the problem of dealing with massive Nazi bunkers swelling out of the ground in cities and coastlines across the continent like concrete warts. The worst inflammation was, of course, in the heart of Germany and destroying something that was intended to withstand bomb attacks is understandably difficult and expensive. So for the most part, everyone just learned to tolerate them.

But within the last few years, Germany has started repurposing the old bunkers as houses and even as apartment complexes. Logically, it makes perfect sense: The bunkers are generally at the heart of most cities, and the design requires little upkeep because they are built to last longer than even pyramids. Aesthetically, however, there aren’t a lot of options for giving towers of death a warm touch.

Architects have come up with creative ways to carve out windows, build around the ugliness and generally dress up a blister as something other than a blister.

To their credit, some of the designs are really ingenious combinations of modern architecture and disaster-preparedness. In a few cases, it is nearly impossible to tell that it was ever a military bunker at all.

Several of them could easily be confused with hastily-made, postmodern architectural decisions, which, in the greater context is much easier to look at and live in than a monument to the one of the worst atrocities in human history.

#4. Chinese Police Carry Crossbows

The crossbow revolutionized warfare in the 4th century, but it became obsolete when militaries around the world discovered that gunpowder could do the same job a lot better. As a result, the crossbow became a novelty item, purchased only by weapons enthusiasts or hunters who ran out of exciting ways kill stuff.

But after collecting dust for centuries, China recently picked up the crossbow once again and handed it to their police officers.

“Your tags are expired.”

In cities around China, every level of law enforcement is rediscovering the advantages of a crossbow, from traffic cops to special units. In Xinjiang, riot police carry crossbows instead of beanbag guns and smoke bombs because China has no interest in messing around with nonlethal crowd deterrents when terrifying, medieval battle weapons are just as effective.

“What’s up now?”

Before anyone tsk-tsks the Chinese government for shooting at crowds with crossbows, you should know that these aren’t the usual burning-cars-and-looting riots we’re used to seeing. Granted, China has a bad history with breaking up mobs, but in this case the use of violence is warranted; China has a pretty significant terror problem on the boarders of Pakistan. The East Turkestan Islamic Movement is spilling across the border and introducing China to suicide bombing and improvised explosives. The primary advantage of using crossbows instead of guns against these attacks is that they allow police to shoot and kill anyone carrying an explosive while lessening the risk of detonation. So after thousands of years, the crossbow is coming out of retirement as a means to stop brand new bombs. As an added bonus, China is also fully prepared now for a full-scale vampire attack.

#3. Military-Grade Metal in Your Bones

The Cold War was a little like a 55-year-long game of Double Dare; Russia and the United States competed against each other in every asinine challenge and display of strength possible but neither took a moment for reflection to acknowledge how absurd they might have looked.

A whole thesis could be written on how much more gratifying it was to watch the Reds get slimed.

One of those challenges was stockpiling metal. Specifically, both sides hoarded as much titanium as they could find so the other side couldn’t have any. It was the super metal of the ’50s and ’60s for its high strength-to-weight ratio made it intrinsic to the experimental design of submarines, high-performance jets and even warheads. While the military is still dependent on titanium today for jets and ships, it’s interesting to see that science is now spending less time thinking about how the metal can be used to tear people apart, and more time thinking about how it can put people back together.

American and Russian scientists are working together turning weapons-grade titanium to into dental implants. The nanotitanium they are using is “stronger than conventional metal alloys, [and] integrates more quickly with human bone.” Researchers are starting with dental implants but intend to move into prosthetics as well. The technology is still nascent but the metal is stronger, lighter and lasts longer than any other metal implants doctors have ever used before. The healing process from a procedure is also a lot quicker because of how quickly bone fuses with the nanotitanium. I think we all know what the next logical step is.

Let’s not kid ourselves.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/Yc9u_XvbSZA/

QADDAFI HIRES STYLIST

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 22 - 2011

TRIPOLI, Libya – Colonel Muammar-el Qaddafi has hired a fashion stylist to fit him “surrender” attire.

Colonel Qaddafi is getting ready to make his “surrender speech” to the world.  It will no doubt be broadcast on news web sites and television news channels across the world.

So, Colonel Qaddafi has decided it is time to re-vamp his look.

Rumors have been circulating among Tripoli correspondents that Qaddafi felt he looked dated and worn.

 An American journalist based in Tunisia explained, “The guy’s been in power for like forty years. It’s time to for a fresh coat of paint.�

“He sees pictures of Sarkozy and Obama. He wants to capture that swagger, that finesse. He doesn’t want to be the awkward guy from the desert,� the reporter, who asked to remain anonymous, continued.

After meeting with Rachel Zoe via Skype, the Libyan ruler has FedEx-ed a one-year contract to the stylist’s manager in Los Angeles.

Zoe is not ready to comment, according to her publicist, but has started work on some sketches for a collection of resort wear for the Libyan leader.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/31260/qaddafi-hires-stylist/

SCIENTISTS CREATE ALLIGATOR-CHICKENS

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 22 - 2011

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard scientists are mixing chicken DNA with alligator DNA!

Harvard University scientists are mixing up chicken DNA to make “embryos with alligator-like snouts instead of beaks.” Great!

Arkhat Abzhanov, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, developed the chickens with snouts by cutting a square hole in the shell of a chicken egg and dropping in a small gelatinous protein bead before watching the embryo develop.

The changes allowed separate molecules on the side of the face free to grow into snouts within 14 days.

Although ethical rules prevent the eggs from bring hatched, Dr Abzhanov said he hopes to complete the work one day by turning chickens into Maniraptora.

By altering the DNA of chickens to resemble alligator genes before the beak developed, Dr Abzhanov was able to change the evolutionary path of chickens so that they grew snouts instead.

“Maniraptora” refers to a group of dinosaur-bird species that hung around Planet Earth during the Jurassic period. Apparently chickens are related to Tyrannosaurus Rex and used to have alligator-like snouts before evolving into the beaked, stylishly city-dwelling, frequently breaded-and-fried creatures they’ve become.

One potential outcome of all this tinkering with DNA, say the Harvard scientists, is that someday maybe they or other scientists can use their research to develop ways to “eliminate birth defects in human children.” Notice how they refer to “human children,” though, as if clarification is somehow necessary. Are chicken-children on the horizon? Or gator-babies with snouts? No breast-feeding a gator-baby, not with those teeth.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/37313/scientists-create-alligator-chickens/

Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For s#x With Dive Bar Waitress

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/-IWuiHv0hCc/

Statshot: Why Are We Holding A Microphone?

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

August 19, 2011 | ISSUE 47•33

Recent Statshot
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Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/IrTHyNLgfyU/

Area Man Guesses He Doesn’t Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

IOWA CITY, IA—After keeping the tab open for almost three hours, local man Nathan Marsten decided this afternoon he could probably shut down the MC Lyte Wikipedia page on his web browser. “I looked her up earlier because I got that ‘Cha Cha Cha’ song stuck in my head, but I feel like there’s really no need to keep it open at this point,” said Marsten, who learned from his scanning of the page that Lyte’s two older brothers are also hip-hop artists, and that they collaborated on some of her records. “If worse comes to worst, it’ll still be in my browser history. Or I could just Google her name again. It’ll literally take three seconds.” At press time, it remains unclear as to why Marsten has opted to keep the Wikipedia page on Tripoli open.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/rN8aopRdylg/

Dan Uggla

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

This story originally appeared in the Damascus Herald-Star. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires. The harlot, area seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi, was witnessed in the act of removing her protective headgear and veil in the town marketplace, in plain view of the public.

According to witnesses’ reports, after exposing the men to her brazen display of wanton, uncensored s#xuality, al-Qaawi rocked back and forth slightly, allowing her hair to blow gently in the mid-morning breeze, deliberately goading the men into thoughts of hell-spawned lustful abandon. Although she quickly replaced the shawl and veil, the damage had already been done.

Experts agree that in doffing her outerwear, the temptress was clearly in league with Satan. Witnesses reported experiencing feelings of rapture, awe and trembling admiration of her beauty, all known effects of succubi sent by Lucifer to suck Heaven’s virtue from the souls of men.

“Her hair shone with a thousand shimmering strands of purest gossamer, framing her lovely, nude face with a glory worthy of the raiments of Gabriel,” witness Rafiq al-Jabir said. “It was clear that she was a powerful succubus, a vassal of demonic spirits from beneath Hell.”

Al-Jabir then retreated to a private chamber to scourge his back with merciless flaying in an attempt to quell his spiritual pain.

The lust al-Qaawi provoked may have overcome and eternally corrupted the various men who could not avert their eyes in time to avoid glimpsing her exposed shame. Shortly after exposing herself, the harlot was stoned in the public square, saving the town’s souls from the risk of growing contamination at the hands of her lurid, sinful perversion of all that is holy.

Reports as of press time indicate that many of the witnesses’ wives and daughters are currently forsaking their usual regimen of duties and instead singing triumphant hymns of praise and adoration to He Who Rules On High in thanks for the harlot’s death.

“The hair, the face, even a slight wedge of skin below the neckline—nothing was left to the imagination,” one anonymous witness said. Shortly after seeing the shocking parade of scantily clad female flesh, the witness was overwhelmed by an intense compulsion to woo the woman, plying her affections with gifts of the finest ointments, vowing his undying devotion and forsaking all others, until the stoning began.

“Her mortal frame was a vessel for damnation’s temptresses to walk the earth in human form, leading the righteous away from God, and thus, needed to be brutally broken and cut down by the redemptive hand—the only kind of justice a harlot can know: sheer bloodletting,” said area rug trader Malik al-Faziz, who organized the impromptu stoning by pointing at al-Qaawi and shouting, “Harlot!” while brandishing a large rock until others came to his aid.

Reports indicate that so great was the temptation to sin caused by al-Qaawi’s disclosure that 30 or more men felt a need to purify themselves by participating in the woman’s stoning, which observers said took less than three minutes.

“I am very sorry that I am related to my late sister, henceforth disowned by my family and referred to only as She Who Cannot Be Named,” said al-Qaawi’s youngest sibling Yasmeen in a desperate attempt to restore family honor.

The harlot’s corpse has been dragged through the streets in accordance with the law and then cut into pieces and fed to crows by her sons, all of whom have written to the town elders begging that their mother’s depravity be forever stricken from all public record.

“It is true that we are but lowly whoresons,” a portion of their letter read, “but we pray that in God’s wisdom our grandchildren will not be known as whores-grandchildren.”

The Council of Elders is currently debating this request.

“Just seeing her face all naked made me wonder what else she had under those loose flowing robes. Arms? Legs? A writhing, painted torso? I am an unmarried man and have never seen a woman’s body—not even in the heathen overseas broadcasts of the demonic women’s gymnastics, about which horrible things I have heard whispered in the night,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous. “Yet, from this day forth even my fevered dreams will not be free of my beloved, trouncing trollop, trumpeting the siren song of Satan.”

No fewer than 15 stonings and beheadings are expected as a result of the incident. All those who will be killed are confirmed demons.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/_WdgPNA5YaU/

10 Famous People Who Look Like Pets

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011


Published on Today 8/22/2011
under Misc
– by Beverly Jenkins



TAGS: look-alikes, celebrities, dopplegangers, pets

Flava Flav and a Gremlin

Flava Flav and a Gremlin
Okay, okay, we know that gremlins aren’t real… but we couldn’t resist including this pic anyway!
(Photo)

Tina Turner and a Chow Chow

Tina Turner and a Chow Chow
(Photo)

Prince and a Miniature Doberman

Prince and a Miniature Doberman
(Photo)

Hitler Cat

Hitler Cat
There are so many cats who resemble Hitler that there’s actually a website called “Cats Who Look Like Hitler!”
(Photo)

Wilfred Brimley and a Cat

Wilfred Brimley and a Cat
(Photo)

Dog The Bounty Hunter and a Lion

Dog The Bounty Hunter and a Lion
(Photo)

Mark Zuckerberg and a Sea Lion

Mark Zuckerberg and a Sea Lion
(Photo)

Taylor Lautner and a Llama

Taylor Lautner and a Llama
(Photo)

Jack Black and a French Bulldog

Jack Black and a French Bulldog
(Photo)

Josh Hartnett and a Golden Retriever

Josh Hartnett and a Golden Retriever
(Photo)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97866.aspx

The 5 Weirdest Things That Influence How Your Food Tastes

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 21 - 2011

We never get tired of optical illusions (particularly that mind-melting one with the gray squares) — it’s good to remind yourself that your senses can’t be trusted. But the one sense you’d think you could trust is taste — nobody is going to convince you that a hamburger is apple pie.

But, as with the other four senses, your taste is manipulated by a whole bunch of factors outside of your control. Like …

#5. What Your Mom Ate While You Were a Fetus

Obviously, the food you ate as a kid growing up will influence your tastes for life. But it starts earlier than that. In fact, the foods your mother ate while you were in the womb influence what your favorite foods will be.

Getty
As well as the food she bathed in.

The study on this was carried out by researchers from the not-at-all-evil-sounding Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, who had pregnant women drink a bunch of carrot juice while pregnant and then while breastfeeding (with various groups changing up when they drank it). The results? The kids whose mothers were given the carrot juice, regardless of the stage when they were given it, were less grossed out when fed a carrot-flavored cereal one month later.

Photos.com
“My mom only ate whiskey and corn nuts.”

And in fact, the kids whose mothers had carrot juice during both stages (during pregnancy and during breastfeeding) reportedly couldn’t get enough of the stuff. And this is freaking carrot juice we’re talking about here.

It makes sense in a way, considering the food your mom ate flavored both her breast milk and the amniotic fluid that surrounded you in the womb. Still, you’d think the residual carrot flavor would be imperceptible, having filtered through her body in the course of metabolizing it. You might like the taste of pork gravy but you wouldn’t want to go lick the sweat off of a guy just because he eats it every day.

Photos.com
Oh, come on, what’s suggestive about that?

But, science says you’re wrong. So go try it.

#4. The Label — Even If It Lies

It would be no surprise to find that, for instance, people think food in fancy packaging is better than something of equal quality that came in a box featuring a picture of a poorly drawn clown and Comic Sans font. That’s why artists and designers get paid, it’s why labels exist in the first place. But the influence a label has on the actual taste experience runs much deeper, and much weirder, than that.

First there’s the experiment that found that simply labeling a food — in this case, bologna — as low-fat will result in people rating it as tasting worse than the equivalent full-fat version. No low-fat food was used in the experiment at all, meaning that both times, the participants were actually eating the full-fat bologna, the stuff they’d presumably eaten at some point in their lives and should have been familiar with.

Photos.com
“OK, now this one has the same fat content, but I shit on one half. Go.”

Even weirder, a study conducted in 2002 found that simply adding the name of a substance onto the list of ingredients was enough to make people taste it within the food they’re eating. Specifically, they gave the same nutrition bar to two groups, but for one group they added the word “soy” to the label (the bar had no soy in it). The soy label group thought their bars tasted much worse. They were almost four times as likely to say it had a weird taste than the group eating the exact same bar, only without that word on the label.

And those results hold up even when trying to filter out opinion — these people weren’t just asked if it tasted “good” or “bad.” The testers with the supposed soy in their bars complained that it had an aftertaste, the other group didn’t. The soy labellers also said the bar was “grainy.”

Photos.com
The phrase “poop-like” was used several times.

All of those tastes and sensations were perceived only because they had (apparently) been conditioned to equate soy with tasteless health food. So, seeing that word on the label literally made it taste that way.

#3. Background Noise

Imagine the fanciest possible restaurant. If you never go to places like that, picture one from a movie — white tablecloth, everyone has wine and there is soft, classical music playing in the background.

Now imagine a cheaper, family dining type place, like T.G.I. Friday’s. There’s loud pop music, often to the point that you can’t hear yourself think.

Photos.com
On top of the table full of screaming kids, making you question your decision to never punch one.

Obviously these establishments are putting some thought into what they want their customers to hear. But why? Is it all about atmosphere? Not according to science. First, when you eat in places with high noise levels, you lose the ability to accurately gauge how sweet or salty your food is. It has to do with the way your brain is wired — continual loud noises whip the neurons of your ear up into such a rage that for no reason they stage an all-out assault on the weaker neurons of your taste buds.

A cynical person could say that restaurants with lower quality food crank up the noise so that you’re less likely to notice it, but we have no way of knowing that (maybe they just think the music adds to the “fun” atmosphere).

Photos.com
“One more Nickleback song and I’ll burn this place to the F*CKing ground.”

That’s not to say that the optimum eating experience means dead silence — otherwise that sad, lonely sandwich eaten quietly over the sink in your apartment wouldn’t taste so much like shame. Science agrees with those stuffy restaurants you were imagining at the beginning — if you pipe in music at a volume of between exactly 62 and 67 decibels (about the level that human conversations are held) the food served will be rated as tasting nicer than the exact same food served outside of this specific volume range. There, the music is just audible enough to arouse the senses, but low enough as not to overwhelm them (also, classical music works best). For the senses, the difference between soft and loud music is like the difference between an invigorating swim in a cool swimming pool and having somebody dump a bucket of ice water over your head.

All of this applies to drinking establishments too, by the way. Research found that your opinion of wine largely depends on what kind of music is being played while you drink it. Subjects changed their ratings of the wine by up to 60 percent depending on the soundtrack, which we’re assuming means you could open a joint selling prison-brewed toilet wine by the glass, as long as you played fancy music while people drank.

Photos.com
Nothing knocks a girl out like a ’68 Pruno.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/iMcl5pfZ7bA/article_19365_the-5-weirdest-things-that-influence-how-your-food-tastes.html

If Everything Operated on Rube Goldberg Logic

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 21 - 2011

There’s nothing the Internet loves more than Rube Goldberg machines. They’re actually the perfect physical embodiment of corporations, the thing the Internet hates most, since they take as many steps as possible to get very simple tasks done.

We asked you to show us what it would look like if the world ran like that.

#19.


by LordKizzle

#18.


by JonChacon

#17.


by AuntieMeme

#16.


by MattMcG

#15.


by TheRandomOne

#14.


by Sulaco

#13.


by WetCoyote

#12.


by A_Beaux

#11.


by Simp

#10.


by maluba

#9.


by JonChacon

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/wqJfSluocBA/

STEPHEN COLBERT’S HEAD LAUNCHED INTO SPACE (VIDEO)

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 21 - 2011

NEW PALTZ, NY  -  Watch Stephen Colbert’s head get launched into space!

It didn’t make it all the way to the moon, though.  Unfortunately, Colbert’s head crashed in Connecticut.

MakerBot Industries, the manufacturer of the first affordable 3-D printer, sent a miniature model of Colbert into space — or at least up to 100,000 feet.

Recently on the Colbert Report with a tiny 3-D thermoplastic model of Colbert, MakerBot founder Bre Pettis and Colbert challenged Thingiverse users (MakerBot’s online community) to mashup Colbert’s head with other objects.

Cobert’s head appeared on a T-Rex, wearing Princess Beatrice’s recent wedding hat, and as Gumby, among others.

But MakerBot didn’t stop there.

This month they founded the MakerBot Space Program, which they inaugurated by sending Colbert’s model head into the sky on a weather balloon outfitted with a with a Flipcam and a GPS enabled cell phone.

Here’s the edited version of the flight:

Stephen Colbert (the full-bodied version) said that he has asked the MakerBot team to prepare him for launch.  ”I want to go on that same kind of ride,” said Colbert.  ”Although, I’d rather crash in New Jersey, than Connecticut.”

Liz Klimas

The Blaze

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/37269/stephen-colberts-head-launched-into-space-video/

ALIENS SPOTTED IN KLEENSPEED CARS

Posted by The Mullet Master On August - 21 - 2011

SAN FRANCISCO -  Aliens were seen driving the electric cars at a  NASA base.   The aliens seemed to approve of the design and speed of the cars.

There’s been another sighting of aliens at at  NASA Ames base at Moffett Field, which is South of San Francisco.  KleenSpeed, an electric car company was testing its latest award-winning vehicles, when several aliens ran onto the track and seized control of the cars and raced them around the track.

KleenSpeed President and Founder, Timothy Collins, was the first to spot the alien, who NASA has confirmed was from Planet Zeeba.  “The first one just hopped into our race car, EV-X11, and took off.”  said Collins.  “A lot of our staff was frightened and  ran away.   I couldn’t believe how fast our CFO, William McCrone could run!  But I stayed and watched the alien.  Man, he handled that car pretty damn well.”

NASA observers say the alien looked like a professional race driver on the course and he got the KleenSpeed EV-X11 up to 180 mph – a lap record.  The EV-X11 has already set speedyway records in this country.  READ ABOUT IT HERE

The KleenSpeed team returned to the track and watched Tim Collins race the Zeeban driver.  It was a close race, with Collins almost running the alien off the course, but the Zeeban prevailed.

NASA sent over an E.T. Intepreter to speak to the Zeeban driver.  The alien said that he thought the KleenSpeed race car was impressive, and handled better than any Formula One car he had ever driven.   The alien was also very impressed with KleenSpeed’s “Eiata.”  The Eiata is a 1990 Mazda Miata converted with KleenSpeed’s EPS Integrated Lite 115 volt System.

“All Americans should drive the Eiata.  Maybe we wouldn’t have to take over the planet if you started taking better care of the environment.”

The alien, and his friends, then disappeared from the track, but not before promising to bring Collins, and his EV-X11 to Planet Zeeba.  “I hope to make a trip to Planet Zeeba by the end of the year,” Collins said.

Here’s Collins talking about KleenSpeed:

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/37251/aliens-spotted-in-kleenspeed-cars/

American Voices: Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 21 - 2011

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is “contrary to the aspirational image of the brand.” What do you think?

  • I’ve been not-wearing their clothes for decades and I haven’t made a dime. And I’m a complete jerk-off. The world just doesn’t make sense anymore.

    Sara Kingdom
    Systems Analyst

  • Poor Abercrombie Fitch. They’re merely trying to s#xualize young girls and subtly mock Asian people and The Situation has to come in and tarnish their good name.

    Don Chaplett
    Dado Operator

  • They tried that with Tara Reid and Kmart’s Kathy Ireland line. Didn’t work.

    Damon Wills
    Flanger

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/6g_cpGl2_HE/

FORT WORTH, TX—Filling the voids of loneliness present in their respective lives, Robert P. Hughes High School science teacher Lorraine Belmont, 33, and sophomore Matthew Clark, 16, have reportedly begun a s#xual relationship that observers have described as being actually somewhat endearing.

“I guess I should be weirded out by the fact that my teacher is getting it on with one of my classmates, but I have to admit, it’s kind of adorable,” said sophomore Stephanie Elmore, who is in Belmont’s honors chemistry class. “They both seemed so aimless and lonely that we were all, in a way, just really glad they found each other.”

“They’re a perfect match, frankly,” Elmore added.

Faculty sources described Belmont as a sweet woman, if a bit high-strung and plain-looking, who in the past has dated sporadically at best. Clark, meanwhile, has been characterized by his peers as a deeply introverted student who, while rarely bullied, never had many friends and was “just sort of there.”

But during the school’s summer session, Belmont was spotted dropping Clark off a few blocks from campus a number of times, and Clark has reportedly skipped Spanish class on several occasions in order to see Belmont during her planning period, an occurrence that witnesses described as being “undeniably heartwarming to watch.”

Despite the ethical problems Belmont and Clark’s relationship may pose, members of the school community said the clandestine affair is probably the best thing for the both of them.

“We were all worried Lorraine would never find anyone,” algebra teacher Willa Myers said. “My first impulse was to be upset about what she was doing, but the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just made sense.”

“She seems so much more upbeat these days,” Myers added. “She’s even wearing lipstick.”

Clark’s peers told reporters they have seen a notable shift in his personality since he began the relationship with his teacher.

“Matt really seems a lot more confident,” junior Brian Marshall said. “He’s got this glow about him I’ve never seen before. And, honestly, good for him. Maybe this will give him the validation he needs.”

While unable to publicly congratulate Belmont and Clark on their relationship, students and faculty have privately been giddy with excitement about the couple, with even the school’s administrators struggling to hide their smiles when they notice Belmont and Clark sneaking off during school assemblies.

“Every rule in the book says I should fire Ms. Belmont for abusing the teacher-student relationship, but it’s honestly just too charming of a story,” said the school’s principal, Marcus Wallace. “Of course, there is a 17-year age difference, but I challenge anyone to watch the two of them stare at each other from across the gym during a pep rally and tell me that true love isn’t real.”

Students even found it “kind of great” when Clark accidentally called Belmont “baby” in class last week, a slip of the tongue they said would have been creepy under any other circumstances, but just felt really sweet in that moment.

At press time, students and faculty had cleared out of the school cafeteria to give the happy couple some privacy.

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