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Archive for September, 2011

3 Internal Monologues from Bad Days in Presidential History

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 30 - 2011

You know how sometimes you read a weird anecdote about a former president in one of the many books about presidents that you own and you just think to yourself, “Man, I wonder what was going on in the president’s head when THAT happened“?

Believe it or not, you’re not alone! I do the exact same thing. For the few of you out there who DON’T, this is what it’s like. Here is, what I imagine, three former presidents were thinking about during particularly embarrassing moments of their presidency.

You Can’t Spell “William Howard Taft” Without “Fat”

[At 330lbs, William Howard Taft was by far the largest president America has ever had. Handpicked by Theodore Roosevelt himself, Taft was the 27th President of the United States, historians look back on him quite favorably, and at one point during his presidency, he got stuck in the White House bathtub. Because he was so fat.]

OK. OK. This isn’t that bad. This is not that bad. It’s not.

This is really bad.

Let me just make sure I’m definitely …

“NNNGGGHHH.”

OK, yes, I’m definitely stuck. Shit. Shit. This is fine. Let’s just- I just need to get out of here quickly, before too many people notice. I’ll just …

“Hey can someone, uh …”

Wait, shit, who do I even call about this? Do I have … Is there like a guy who does this? Someone whose thing this is? It is the White House, they have a guy for everything. But of course they don’t have a guy for this, Bill. Why would the White House think they needed to hire a guy to get presidents unstuck from the bathtub?

Maybe my wife? Would it be less embarrassing if Helen- Oh, what am I thinking, Helen can’t lift me, she doesn’t have a solid core OR a strong center of gravity.

“Baby, you know I love you, but sturdy and load-bearing you are not.

So frail and ghostly. I knew I shoulda married her sister. Eleanor. Eleanor could do it. That is the kind of woman who could lift a president out of tub if I ever saw one, I’ll tell you that. Eleanor had the haunches of an Olympic bear-wrestler.

I need to get out of this (CENSORED)ing tub.

This is really bad. And, shit, well, this is it. You know this is the thing everyone’s going to remember, right, Bill? The only thing. This is absolutely, without question, the only thing about President Taft that people will remember. All of my policies? Forgotten. Out the window. Down the drai- aw, shit. I was worried the only thing people would remember about me would be that I was the fattest president. But, no, now I’ll be the president who was so fat that he was made prisoner by a god damned piece of furniture. That’s what they’ll all remember.

Unless … I gotta- I just gotta do something even more impressive. Build lots of orphanages or kill … someone. Someone everybody hates. Or- I got it! When I leave the presidency, I will become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. No other president has done that, it’ll be my thing. Hell yes, I’m going to do the crap out of that. And then a hundred years from now, all the history students will say, “Oh, right, Big Bill Taft, he was the only man in history to be both the President and a Supreme Court judge, right? So impressive!” Yes. That’s what they’ll all remember.

Who the hell are you kidding, Bill? You’re the president who’s so fat you made a diaper out of a bathtub. William Howard Taft. More like William Howard Bath. Or … Or William How-Fat-Do-You-Need-To-Be-To-Get-Stuck-In-A Bath? I bet they’re going to use me as a measuring test for bathtubs from now on. “Excuse me, do you have any larger tubs? I have three young kids, and we’d like to have them bathe together to conserve water.” “Why sure, Ma’am, take a look at this tub. It’s roughly one-and-a-half Tafts wide, and about a Taft-ass deep.” Shit this is bad. OK, just … just suck it up, let’s just get this over with.

“Hello? Excuse me, will- Is anyone around? I’m- It’s your president. Hello. I’m caught in my bathtub and I’m … I’m the (CENSORED)ing president of the United States of America. Would anyone- Oh, hey, Tim, good, you’re here, be a pal and- What? You’re going to get more guys to help you? That’s so- Yeah, fine, I guess, I’m pretty big, sure … (CENSORED)ing four!? Four guys, is that really necessary!?”

[It really was. Later, a special bathtub was installed just for Taft. It fit four men.]

Source.

We Had a President Named Garfield? And Someone Shot Him??

[On July 2, 1881, President James Garfield was assassinated in a train station by a delusional former librarian named Charles Guiteau. For reasons that will never be made clear, Guiteau believed that he was responsible for Garfield's presidential victory. Guiteau felt that, since he got Garfield his job, it would only be fair of Garfield to return the favor and give Guiteau a job. Specifically, Guiteau thought he was entitled to an ambassadorship to France. He cornered Garfield and told him as much, and when Garfield refused to entertain the delusion, Guiteau shot him, twice.]

“My God, what is this?”

Holy (CENSORED)ing tits, what the shit!? Who the (CENSORED) was that guy? Oh, man, I hate him so much. (CENSORED)!

Why the shit?!

Who would- Why would anyone do that to me, I’m not even- I’m barely a president, I haven’t even been president for a year; how could I have offended him, or (CENSORED)ing anyone? Christ, I’m gonna die. And then Chester Arthur’s gonna be president, and I’m pretty sure he’s Canadian. Shit. Oh, man, (CENSORED) bullets hurt. Oooohhh, everyone who said “bullets hurt” was right, they were totally (CENSORED)ing right, this hurts. Ooohh, the most. Nothing will be worse than this.

[Amazingly, Garfield didn't die. He was taken to a hospital, with one bullet still lodged in his body that the doctors couldn't seem to find. In an effort to find the bullet, Alexander Graham Bell invented a metal detector pretty much right on the spot. The doctors would use the metal detector and start cutting and digging whenever the device sensed metal. They did this several times, but still, they couldn't find any trace of the bullet, even though they got the distinct impression that metal was present every single time. This was because the bed frame beneath Garfield was made of metal. None of the doctors decided to check that, though. There was no time; they had a president to recklessly carve up.]

“Bullshit, I’ll prove I’m a better doctor than you: I am going to cut the ever-loving SHIT out of this president, just to give death a head start, and I’ll STILL win. You’ll see.”

Don’t say anything. Don’t say a word. They’re doctors, they know what they’re doing. I know it LOOKS like they’re just hacking away at my body with no real direction, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. Just let them wor- Oh, is he cutting into me again? Has he seriously not found the bullet yet? What was that first hole for? This new hole is way on the other side of my torso, how was he that far off the first time around? I can’t- I am the President of the-

No, you know what, it’s fine. He’s the doctor, and we’re just going to respect his decisions. We may want to question the logic of using the metal detector a second time after it’s clearly demonstrated its uselessness the first time, but, hey, what do we know? He’s the doctor, right?

I’m … I’m just gonna ask him.

“Hey, I can’t help but notice you’re not cutting a third hole into me. You, uh … find the bullet? Any luck on the … on the bullet front? Doc?”

No. Huh. OK, that’s fine. Well, we tried, now all we can- Wait, is he going for the metal detector again? You have got to be shitting me. It’s beeping, now, great, yes, of course it’s beeping, of-(CENSORED)ing-course it’s (CENSORED)ing beeping, that’s all it does. Don’t just dig every time you hear a- OOWWWWW, (CENSORED), oh man, (CENSORED) this doctor. He is so lucky I already used my one, free presidential kill on Guiteau. Man.

Look at the- He’s not even- He’s just using his hands at this point, he’s just digging. Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow, come on! Jesus. Well, that didn’t work. Again. What is he …

“Doctor, you had better be picking that metal detector up just so you can dramatically break it over your knee, and stick whichever end winds up being pointier up your ass. I swear to God, if you use that on me one more- OOOOOWWWWWWWW EAT SHIT YOU BASTARD! Stop just cutting and pawing every part of me that you think beeps, come on now. This isn’t a game of Operation, (CENSORED).”

I don’t even think that’s been invented yet, actually.

[Garfield died months later. One of the doctors accidentally punctured his liver, and another introduced Streptococcus into his system. It is believed that this probably killed him, and not the bullet.]

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/m2xsIHFhx3k/

ALIEN ABDUCTION CAPTURED ON NIGHT VISION CAMERA

Posted by The Mullet Master On September - 30 - 2011

SANTE FE, NM – An alien was caught with a night vision camera – in the act of abducting a woman from her home.

New Mexico authorities were stunned when amateur photographer, Jeff Norris brought in a picture of an alien abducting his girlfriend, Jenna Hawser, from their apartment.  Norris had just returned from Iraq and had a night vision camera.

Norris says he and Hawser were asleep in bed when the alien just appeared at the foot of the bed.  Norris said he was frozen and couldn’t move.  The alien then picked up Hawser and started to walk away.  Norris got up and tried to run at the alien, but “it felt like there was a force field stopping me.”

He then fell to the ground right near his photography equipment.  He picked up the night vision camera and caught the alien holding his girlfriend.  “He seemed friendly, almost serene, but when I took the picture he got a little agitated and ran out of the apartment.”

Norris hasn’t seen  his girlfriend in three days.

Sante Fe authorities called in Dr. John Malley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials and he examined the photos that Norris took.  “We had the U.N. lab run tests and these photos are authentic and have not been manipulated at all.  We have officially registered this as an alien abduction.”

Malley went on to say that the alien was clearly “from Planet Zeeba.”  The Zeebans are part of an ongoing alien invasion, which started last October and will continue until December 2015 according to UFOlogists from around the world.   Malley told WWN that The Zeebans along with aliens from Planet Xixuc have been landing on the planet for months.  He said that the aliens from Planet Gootan are arriving in November – and it appears they may be hostile.

“We have issued a Code Purple for all the countries in the world to prepare to the invasion,” Malley told WWN.

Well, why hasn’t it been reported in the mainstream media?  Why is it listed as a hoax on some internet sites?

Malley said that the U.N. is battling governments around the world.  “Most governments have adopted the policy of denial and cover-up.   We disagree one hundred percent with that approach.  We think citizens of Earth need to prepare.”

WWN is following the invasion closely.

Meanwhile, Hawser’s family and Norris are searching for her in the mountains around Sante Fe – hoping that the alien will return and bring her home safely.

Hopefully, she wasn’t taken “up” like this:

Popularity: 5% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/38893/alien-abduction-captured-on-night-vision-camera/

12 Craziest Sandals

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On September - 30 - 2011


Published on Today 9/30/2011
under Cool Objects
– by Gracie Murano


Metal-detecting sandals—the perfect gift for treasure-hunting beachcombers.
(Link)


Keyboard Sandals.
(Link)


The perfectly concealed weapon? A pair of shoes that turns into a slingshot!


Topless sandals simulate walking barefoot while protecting your feet. Topless sandals stick to the bottom of your feet, but leave no residue on your feet when you take them off. The “stick” is guaranteed for a year, which is the typical life span of a flip flop. Topless sandals are basically topless flip flops, but so much cooler. You’ll be amazed at how many heads you turn while wearing your topless sandals.
(Link)


Footwear has turned foodwear with the Brisket Sandal… but buyers beware, it’s not edible! This fashionable flip flop is made from foam, different fabrics, trims, and crystal rhinestones.
(Link)


Tip jar sandal by Pleaser USA.
(Link)


Wireframe Sandals.


A combo of a Nike sneaker with a sandal.
(Link)


Lauren Milroy, a mechanical engineer with a background in the aerospace industry, recently completed a master’s program in design. She made these sandals out of colored pencils.
(Link | Via)


Alien Sandals by fashion designer Alexander McQueen.
(Link)


(Link)

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Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97906.aspx

The Awkward Small Talk Hotline

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 29 - 2011

Ballpoint Pen Field-Stripped, Reassembled

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On September - 29 - 2011



Ballpoint Pen Field-Stripped, Reassembled

09.29.11

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/dNIY7UE1448/

The Fastest Rise and Fall In The History of Hollywood

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 28 - 2011

For Extras, Check Out www.NextTimeOnLonny.com

By:
Lonny

| 21 Comments

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/e2Sh4VizEb4/video_18335_the-fastest-rise-fall-in-history-hollywood.html

The Fastest Rise and Fall In The History of Hollywood

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 28 - 2011

For Extras, Check Out www.NextTimeOnLonny.com

By:
Lonny

| 21 Comments

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/e2Sh4VizEb4/video_18335_the-fastest-rise-fall-in-history-hollywood.html

MICHAEL JACKSON SPOTTED OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE

Posted by The Mullet Master On September - 28 - 2011

LOS ANGELES -  It was the first day of Dr. Conrad Murrays’ manslaughter trail and who was spotted outside – Michael Jackson!

There have been persistent rumors since Michael Jackson’s death in 2009, that he is NOT dead, but rather that he disappeared to an island in the Caribbean or to a suburb in New Jersey.

A number of people who attended the trial today said they saw MJ outside the courthouse AND inside.

“He was definitely here,” said Moira McMahon, a dear friend of Michael Jackson.  “We saw him walk in behind his family.  It was definitely him.”

“He’s not dead.  I’ve seen him about a dozen times in L.A. since 2009.  He’s either a ghost or there’s something funny going on,” said Donnie McCreary of Bellflower.

“I saw Michael.  No doubt about it,” said Cassandra Wilkins of West L.A.

The highly-publicized trial against late pop icon Michael Jackson’s personal physician Conrad Murray opened Tuesday in Los Angeles, with prosecutors and defense attorneys fought with each other and came up with a large number of testimonies and evidences.

A seven-men and five-women jury which was sworn in last Friday heard the case while a prosecutor, in his opening statement, accused Murray for acting with negligence and incompetence while caring for Jackson, 50, by ignoring all standards of medical care while giving the singer heavy doses of a powerful sedative that killed him.

Deputy District Attorney David Walgren told the panel that evidence would show Murray, a cardiologist who was hired by Jackson for 150,000 U.S. dollars a month to care for him, “repeatedly acted with gross negligence, repeatedly denied care, appropriate care to his patient,Michael Jackson, and that it was Dr. Murray’s repeated incompetence and unskilled acts that led to Mr. Jackson’s death on June 25, 2009.”

To illustrate his case, Walgren showed a picture of what appears to be Michael Jackson’s lifeless body on a gurney.

Jackson, 50, was pronounced dead at 2:26 p.m. on June 25, 2009 at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. The coroner’s office determined that Jackson died of acute Propofol intoxication and classified his death as a homicide.

Murray, 58, who is free on 75,000-dollar bail, faces up to four years in prison if convicted of the involuntary manslaughter charge.

According to Walgren, at around 5 a.m. on the day when Jackson died, the King of Pop told Murray that he needed to sleep and they agreed Propofol was the answer. Murray said he gave the singer 25 milligrams of the potent drug, but that would only put him to sleep for minutes.

Much more Propofol was administered, prosecution alleged.

Murray sent e-mails and made eight phone calls after administering the drug on Jackson for about 45 minutes. The last call was made at 11:51 to a girlfriend when Murray realized there was an emergency.

When paramedics arrived at the scene, the singer was dead. However, Murray never told the EMTs he had gave the pop singer Propofol, although they asked if Jackon had had any drugs.

At the insistence by Murray, Jackson’s body was transferred to UCLA, where Murray once again failed to mention the drug.

Walgren told jurors that between April 6 and June 10, 2009, Murray ordered 255 vials of Propofol, totaling 4.09 gallons of the “general anesthetic agent.”

Murray and his teams of defense attorneys contended that Jackson swallowed Lorazepam pills and gave himself a lethal dose of Propofol while Murray was out of the pop icon’s bedroom.

Defense attorney Edward Chernoff contended that Murray agreed to administer a small amount of Propofol, then monitored Jackson’s pulse and breathing before leaving the singer’s bedroom.

After he left, however, a frustrated Jackson woke up and swallowed Lorazepam pills, then somehow gave himself the fatal dose of Propofol, Chernoff claimed.

“The evidence will show you … that when Dr. Murray left the room, Michael Jackson self-administered a dose of Propofol that, with the Lorazepam, created a perfect storm in his body that killed him instantly,” Chernoff said. “When Dr. Murray came into the room and found Michael Jackson, there was no CPR, there was no doctor, no paramedic, no machine that was going to revive Michael Jackson.

“He died so rapidly, so instantly, he didn’t even have time to close his eyes.”

The attorney insisted that Murray was weaning Jackson off Propofol, a drug the singer told the doctor he had been taking for years — calling it his “milk” that he could not sleep without. He had been unable to sleep for 10 hours before Murray administered Propofol on him.

As the prosecution’s first witness, Kenny Ortega — the creator and co-director of the ill-fated “This Is It” concert series — testified that Jackson was “completely” involved in the process of preparing for the London concerts.

According to him, Jackson, although “very excited “about the London show, missed several rehearsals in late June, shortly before his death. He noticed that the singer wasn’t right on June 19, six days before his death, as the singer seemed lost and was “incoherent.”

Ortega was confronted by Murray during a meeting between Jackson, his doctor, Phillips and Jackson’s manager at the singer’s rented home the following day. Murray told him he was upset Ortega didn’t let him rehearse, berating him for acting like a doctor.

Fans from around the world are now headed for the trial – now that there have been multiple sightings of the King of Pop.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/38829/michael-jackson-spotted-outside-courthouse/

MICHAEL JACKSON SPOTTED OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE

Posted by The Mullet Master On September - 28 - 2011

LOS ANGELES -  It was the first day of Dr. Conrad Murrays’ manslaughter trail and who was spotted outside – Michael Jackson!

There have been persistent rumors since Michael Jackson’s death in 2009, that he is NOT dead, but rather that he disappeared to an island in the Caribbean or to a suburb in New Jersey.

A number of people who attended the trial today said they saw MJ outside the courthouse AND inside.

“He was definitely here,” said Moira McMahon, a dear friend of Michael Jackson.  “We saw him walk in behind his family.  It was definitely him.”

“He’s not dead.  I’ve seen him about a dozen times in L.A. since 2009.  He’s either a ghost or there’s something funny going on,” said Donnie McCreary of Bellflower.

“I saw Michael.  No doubt about it,” said Cassandra Wilkins of West L.A.

The highly-publicized trial against late pop icon Michael Jackson’s personal physician Conrad Murray opened Tuesday in Los Angeles, with prosecutors and defense attorneys fought with each other and came up with a large number of testimonies and evidences.

A seven-men and five-women jury which was sworn in last Friday heard the case while a prosecutor, in his opening statement, accused Murray for acting with negligence and incompetence while caring for Jackson, 50, by ignoring all standards of medical care while giving the singer heavy doses of a powerful sedative that killed him.

Deputy District Attorney David Walgren told the panel that evidence would show Murray, a cardiologist who was hired by Jackson for 150,000 U.S. dollars a month to care for him, “repeatedly acted with gross negligence, repeatedly denied care, appropriate care to his patient,Michael Jackson, and that it was Dr. Murray’s repeated incompetence and unskilled acts that led to Mr. Jackson’s death on June 25, 2009.”

To illustrate his case, Walgren showed a picture of what appears to be Michael Jackson’s lifeless body on a gurney.

Jackson, 50, was pronounced dead at 2:26 p.m. on June 25, 2009 at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. The coroner’s office determined that Jackson died of acute Propofol intoxication and classified his death as a homicide.

Murray, 58, who is free on 75,000-dollar bail, faces up to four years in prison if convicted of the involuntary manslaughter charge.

According to Walgren, at around 5 a.m. on the day when Jackson died, the King of Pop told Murray that he needed to sleep and they agreed Propofol was the answer. Murray said he gave the singer 25 milligrams of the potent drug, but that would only put him to sleep for minutes.

Much more Propofol was administered, prosecution alleged.

Murray sent e-mails and made eight phone calls after administering the drug on Jackson for about 45 minutes. The last call was made at 11:51 to a girlfriend when Murray realized there was an emergency.

When paramedics arrived at the scene, the singer was dead. However, Murray never told the EMTs he had gave the pop singer Propofol, although they asked if Jackon had had any drugs.

At the insistence by Murray, Jackson’s body was transferred to UCLA, where Murray once again failed to mention the drug.

Walgren told jurors that between April 6 and June 10, 2009, Murray ordered 255 vials of Propofol, totaling 4.09 gallons of the “general anesthetic agent.”

Murray and his teams of defense attorneys contended that Jackson swallowed Lorazepam pills and gave himself a lethal dose of Propofol while Murray was out of the pop icon’s bedroom.

Defense attorney Edward Chernoff contended that Murray agreed to administer a small amount of Propofol, then monitored Jackson’s pulse and breathing before leaving the singer’s bedroom.

After he left, however, a frustrated Jackson woke up and swallowed Lorazepam pills, then somehow gave himself the fatal dose of Propofol, Chernoff claimed.

“The evidence will show you … that when Dr. Murray left the room, Michael Jackson self-administered a dose of Propofol that, with the Lorazepam, created a perfect storm in his body that killed him instantly,” Chernoff said. “When Dr. Murray came into the room and found Michael Jackson, there was no CPR, there was no doctor, no paramedic, no machine that was going to revive Michael Jackson.

“He died so rapidly, so instantly, he didn’t even have time to close his eyes.”

The attorney insisted that Murray was weaning Jackson off Propofol, a drug the singer told the doctor he had been taking for years — calling it his “milk” that he could not sleep without. He had been unable to sleep for 10 hours before Murray administered Propofol on him.

As the prosecution’s first witness, Kenny Ortega — the creator and co-director of the ill-fated “This Is It” concert series — testified that Jackson was “completely” involved in the process of preparing for the London concerts.

According to him, Jackson, although “very excited “about the London show, missed several rehearsals in late June, shortly before his death. He noticed that the singer wasn’t right on June 19, six days before his death, as the singer seemed lost and was “incoherent.”

Ortega was confronted by Murray during a meeting between Jackson, his doctor, Phillips and Jackson’s manager at the singer’s rented home the following day. Murray told him he was upset Ortega didn’t let him rehearse, berating him for acting like a doctor.

Fans from around the world are now headed for the trial – now that there have been multiple sightings of the King of Pop.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/38829/michael-jackson-spotted-outside-courthouse/

10 Amazing Tales of Alien Abduction

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On September - 28 - 2011


Published on Today 9/28/2011
under Strange Stories
– by Beverly Jenkins



TAGS: alien abduction, martians, UFOs

Are alien life forms visiting Earth and performing experiments upon unwitting human victims? This is one of the world’s greatest mysteries! Read on to discover ten of the most famous and astounding cases of alien abduction ever documented.

The Allagash Waterway Abduction

The Allagash Waterway Abduction
One of the most famous cases of alien abduction is The Allagash Waterway Abduction, which took place in Maine in 1976. Twin brothers Jack and Jim Weiner and their friends Chuck Rak and Charlie Foltz were all artists. While on a fishing trip, they decided to do a little night-fishing, so they built a large fire on the banks of Eagle Lake and were in their canoes on the lake when they noticed a very bright object in the sky over the lake.

The object began to change colors before their eyes, and one of the men used a flashlight to signal to it. The UFO began to move towards them. The men began to frantically paddle towards shore, but the UFO moved over them and sent a beam of light over them. The next thing they remember, they were sitting on the shore, and the large fire they had just started had burned out completely into a pile of cold ash.

The men returned home, but soon all four were haunted by nightmares in which they remembered being experimented on by aliens in a space craft. Under regressive hypnosis, it was determined that all four of the men had been abducted and subjected to humiliating and invasive testing, including the extraction of semen and other bodily fluids.

All four men received separate hypnosis sessions, but their stories were all exactly the same. Since they were also artists, they were able to draw startlingly accurate pictures of the exam room, the aliens, and the instruments the aliens used on them. They also passed lie-detector tests, verifying that they were telling the truth.
(Link)

Betty Andreasson taken aboard the mother ship

Betty Andreasson taken aboard the mother ship
On January 25, 1967, homemaker Betty Andreasson and her family were astounded when the electricity in their home suddenly went out and a bright red light shined in through their kitchen window. When the family looked outside, they saw five creatures “hopping” towards their house; the creatures then came straight through the solid wood door and instantly put the entire Andreasson clan into a trance.

The aliens were described by Betty and her father as being short and without usual human characteristics, and one of them was clearly the leader. They communicated only telepathically, and Betty felt calm and unconcerned even while everyone but herself and her father were in a state of suspended animation. Betty was then taken aboard a spacecraft and was given invasive (and sometimes painful) examinations on the mother ship. Roughly four hours later, Betty was returned to her family and the aliens released them all from their trance and hypnotized Betty so that she would forget much about her time on the mother ship.

Eight years later, still plagued by the vague memories of her experience, Betty underwent twelve months of extensive psychiatric evaluations and a slew of psychological and medical tests, including regressive hypnosis and polygraphs (lie-detectors). After all was said and done, it was determined that Betty was sane and believed everything about her very vivid alien abduction experience. Her case is one of the most famous UFO abduction cases to date.
(Link | Photo)

Betty and Barney Hill: the first widely-reported abduction in the U.S.

Betty and Barney Hill: the first widely-reported abduction in the U.S.
On September 19, 1961, Betty and Barney Hill of New Hampshire were returning home from a trip to Canada when they spotted a “brightly-lit cigar-shaped craft” in the sky that seemed to be coming towards them. The Hills stopped their car and looked at the flying object through binoculars, claiming to see several figures in the windows of the spacecraft that did not appear to be human. Afraid, the Hills got in their car and kept driving.

Two hours later, the Hills regained awareness and found themselves 35 miles further from where they last remembered driving, and with no memory of the last two hours of their lives. Betty’s dress was ripped, Barney’s shoes were badly scuffed, and both of their watches had stopped at the same time.

The experience bothered the Hills for several years, until they finally sought help from a psychotherapist. It was during their separate hypnosis sessions that their memories of being abducted, taken aboard a spacecraft, and being given physical exams by “short, grey” aliens. Today, there is an historic marker (pictured above) on the highway where the Hills had their supernatural experience.

(Link | Photo)

Air Force Sergeant Charles L. Moody sees more in the sky than he bargained for

Air Force Sergeant Charles L. Moody sees more in the sky than he bargained for
Around 1:15 AM on August 13, 1975, Air Force Sergeant Charles L. Moody was in the desert of New Mexico watching a meteor shower when he saw a large glowing flying saucer moving toward the ground, as if to land. Moody was understandably frightened, so he ran to his car, but it wouldn’t start. Just then, Moody heard a loud, high-pitched sound, and as the UFO hovered nearby, he could see small human-like forms on board.

When the high-pitched sound stopped, Moody felt his body go numb, and the next thing he knew an hour and a half had gone by and he was watching the space craft disappear back into the dark night sky. The next day, Moody began experiencing back pain and a strange rash, so his doctor advised him to try a sort of self-hypnosis to alleviate his pain. During the course of his meditations, Moody recalled being taken from his car and brought aboard a space ship. He was placed on a metal table and he “spoke” to the aliens telepathically. After he agreed to cooperate with them, they showed him parts of the space craft and passed on information — they claimed to have a mother ship hovering above the earth and said that they did not plan to return to Earth for another 20 years.
(Link | Photo)

Two families abducted on the same night

Two families abducted on the same night
Australian Kelly Cahill and her family were driving home from a friend’s house around midnight in August of 1993 when they saw a UFO hovering off the side of the road, and Kelly claimed to see human-like figures in the windows of the craft. The UFO zoomed off quickly and disappeared, but later the family was blinded by a bright light all around their car. Kelly reported feeling instantly relaxed in the light.

When the family regained awareness, they were still on the road towards home, but they could not account for the past hour or more at all. Kelly discovered a strange mark near her navel, and over the next few weeks she felt unwell and went to the hospital for a uterine infection and intense pain in her stomach.

She would later remember seeing the 150-foot diameter UFO and the very tall aliens who had gathered beneath it. She also saw another car on the side of the road, and later the family that had been in that car backed up her story and said that they, too, had seen the aliens, lost a big span of time, and recalled been subjected to invasive medical exams on a space craft.
(Link | Photo)

Family visited by the “Men In Black” after their strange experience

Family visited by the
In a mountainous area of Wales, an anonymous family was driving along the highway when a large purple craft hovered over and attached itself to their car. They were terrified, but moments later they found themselves seemingly untouched, still driving down the highway as if nothing had happened.

However, they were missing a large chunk of time, and when the husband went to the dentist due to tooth pain, a strange black object fell out of his molar. The family reported their experience to local authorities, only to then be visited by two men in suits from the Air Force who told them not to speak of the experience again. The family referred to the men as being just like the “Men In Black” like in the movies of the same name.

The family later learned that there had been several UFO sightings in that particular area prior to and on the night of their experience. There was also another man who came forward, claiming to have seen a UFO on the same night and on the very road that the family lost those hours.
(Link | Photo)

Father and son make contact with benevolent lifeforms

Father and son make contact with benevolent lifeforms
In March of 1988, John Salter Jr. and his son John III were driving on Route 61 when suddenly they found themselves traveling in the opposite direction with no memory of the past hour. The next morning, they were baffled about what had happened to them the night before, and as they continued their trip they were stunned to see a large UFO.

As soon as they saw the ship, they recalled snippets of what had happened the night before, including seeing child-like aliens and a taller, half-human alien who was their leader. Both men described feeling “protected” by the alien life forms, and they were kept from moving by an unseen force while they were given a thorough medical exam.

After the experience, both men felt that they had bonded with the aliens, and various health problems they’d had prior to their abduction improved significantly for no apparent reason.
(Link | Photo)

Author Whitley Strieber writes a book about his abduction

In 1985, author Whitley Strieber was vacationing in a remote cabin in upstate NY with his family when a sound awakened him in the middle of the night, at which point he found a small creature in his bedroom. Several hours later, he found himself alone in the woods near his home with no recollection of what transpired.

With the help of a hypnotherapist, Stieber eventually recovered his memories of being taken onto a UFO and probed anally and in the brain with a long, thin instrument. Stieber’s experience would eventually lead him to start a support group for victims and write a best-selling book about alien abductions.
(Link | Photo)

Three women abducted in Kentucky

Three women abducted in Kentucky
In 1976, three old friends were driving home after celebrating a birthday when suddenly the driver of the car felt that she could not control the speed of the car. While the car sped up to 85 mph, the terrified women saw a large, bright dome-like UFO hovering over them. Before they knew it, they woke up in the parked car, which was backed up into a pasture, heading in the opposite direction than the one in which they had been traveling. Even more disturbing was the fact that they could not recall the last 80 minutes of their lives.

The women had unexplained burns on their bodies, and after reporting the incident to the Navy and local police stations they were extensively interviewed and questioned about the events that had transpired. Eventually, one of the women agreed to do regressive hypnosis, and their fears were confirmed: they had been abducted and experimented on on an alien space craft. The woman described the tests as humiliating and torturous.

There had been several UFO sightings in that area that night, and a local farmer and owner of the pasture in which the ladies’ car was parked confessed to seeing a strange flying object with a bright beam of light going from the UFO to the ground. It is believed that this farmer unknowingly witnessed the abduction of the three women.
(Link | Photo)

Policeman takes photo of alien

Policeman takes photo of alien
In 1987, policeman Philip Spencer was walking through the moors near his home in Ilkey Moor, Yorkshire, U.K., armed with his camera, hoping to catch some photographs of the mysterious lights that he had seen in the moors. Using a compass to lead his way, Spencer was moving through the dense fog towards his father-in-law’s house when he saw a small, strange creature that seemed to be trying to “wave him away.” Spencer raised his camera and got one shot before the creature turned and ran away into the foggy early morning.

Spencer chased after the creature and was shocked to see a large UFO lifting off from the moor nearby. He rushed to the village to get his film exposed, and it was then that he noticed that an hour of his life was missing, his watch had stopped, and his compass was pointing South when it should have been pointing North.

(Link | Photo)

For more details about these and other cases of alien abduction, visit About.com’s UFO’s/Aliens page.

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6 Habits of Highly Annoying Public Speakers

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 27 - 2011

Watching public speaking — at a corporate seminar, a presentation, a high school assembly — is more often than not a miserable experience. Part of the problem is that a lot of what’s being presented is bullshit, which already doesn’t bode well, but lots of speakers make it even worse by trying to glaze the bullshit with decorative cake frosting and sprinkles, so to speak. They’ll dress up a five-minute talk on the most obvious and meaningless statements about sexual harassment with annoying gimmicks and tricks to the point where everyone leaves the seminar determined to sexually harass somebody, just out of spite.

Here’s a couple of their worst habits:

I think a lot of us have run into a guy like this at some time in our lives. Now what can we see here, other than that stock photo minorities are apparently very vindictive people?

Well, the most annoying thing, beyond being nagged to do something you don’t really want to do, is that the speaker is basically blaming you, the audience, for not being enthusiastic about something as stupid as his initial greeting, or maybe a catchphrase he wants you to repeat later, or maybe some opinion you’re supposed to get excited about.

Well, that’s his job. He’s supposed to get you excited by making the subject matter exciting, not by guilting you into pretending to be excited. Does the pizza delivery guy have the balls to lecture you about not paying him for the pizza when he hasn’t brought you any pizza? Does he tell you that good customers pay money? Does he act disappointed in how little you care about the pizza he didn’t bring?

It’s even slimier when a speaker equates lack of volume with the audience not caring deeply enough about the subject — especially when the subject is some morally good cause. “That’s it? That’s all I get when I talk about building houses for the poor?” or “Come on, don’t you care about Darfur a little more than that?” You could be giving a thousand dollars a month and passing out flyers all over your campus, but apparently because you don’t yell loudly enough at a speech, you don’t REALLY care.

Sometimes the speaker means well and naturally shouts about anything he cares about, and is just mistakenly projecting his extroverted personality onto everyone else, but sometimes the speaker is deliberately hoping to redirect well-intentioned audience guilt about a good cause toward cheers for himself. In which case maybe those vindictive minorities above aren’t too far off.

An acrostic is that piece of shit I made above. It’s different from an acronym, I guess, in the sense that saying the whole thing in order doesn’t have to make sense, and you can have sentences. Every motivational book or speaker has to have one, and the famous ones are “good” in the sense that they’re easy to understand and you can remember what they stand for.

Unfortunately, that means that every high school speaker and bush league pastor thinks that using them is the key to success.

As you can see, when you have to force your points to begin with the letters of whatever cutesy word you come up with, like “SMART” above, you’ll end up with convoluted phrases like I’ve got, or you’ll be digging in a thesaurus and coming up with obscure, hard-to-remember synonyms for the word you really wanted. It completely defeats the purpose of the acrostic in making your points easy to remember.

Another variant on the same thing is “the 4 E’s” or something similar, where you make every point begin with the same letter. This really forces the thesaurus usage.

In this case, it would probably be easier to just make people memorize those three sentences than to make them try to remember the weird, barely used word you came up with, and then figure out what that word was supposed to mean.

Seriously, if you can’t think of a clever, compact way to make people remember your points, just pass out a goddamned outline. The printing press has been around for over 600 years, maybe make some use of it.

All that said, I want you to memorize the acronym for Forced Audience Participation (FAP) because it’s very apt. FAP is basically a speaker getting his rocks off by having the audience do things that he can fool himself into believing are a sign of how interested they are in his fascinating speech.

For example, there’s a kind of bad habit going around where the audience has a printed outline of the speech, and at certain points, the speaker asks them to stop and circle a key word. Sometimes this makes sense, I guess, if you’re introducing a new term like the 180 degree rule, or if the word is central to all the points you’re making. (“Quentin Tarantino goes in a lot of exciting directions in his films but it all comes back to his foot fetish. I want you to circle ‘foot fetish.’ We’re going to come back to that a lot.”)

Filmdrunk
“Just like Tarantino does.”

Of course, all this depends on a grasp of what words are vital and recurring in your speech, and you know what? Most people with that skill know how to emphasize those words without making people circle them on a piece of paper. So most of the people using this trick have no idea what words would be appropriate to circle. I have seen speakers tell me to circle words like “the” and “and” in a desperate last-ditch effort to feel like the audience is listening to something they are saying.

And it’s very self-gratifying when you give an order and everyone obediently scritch-scratches with their pencils. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking, “Well, that particular ‘and’ I asked them to circle must have been a very important ‘and’ indeed.” But if that’s not enough, you might make them repeat key words or phrases out loud, which is annoying in the same sense as forcing a louder “good morning” out of people is annoying.

But if you still can’t get an erection after making people dutifully circle and repeat things, you can make them really pretend they’re into it by dragging volunteers up to the front of the room and having them participate in stupid skits. You can give them goofy props, to make it funny. Just don’t give them anything sharp.

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American Voices: Putin Moves To Return To Presidency

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On September - 27 - 2011

<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –>

Putin Moves To Return To Presidency

September 27, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•39

Former president and current prime minister Vladimir Putin of Russia announced at a meeting of his party that he would run for president again in 2012. What do you think?

  • I won’t know if he’s a good choice to lead again until I see an updated photo of him with his shirt off.

    Lucas Tremblay
    Fingerprint Clerk

  • Return to?

    Colleen Wells
    Back Hoe Operator

  • Dmitry Medvedev? More like Dmitry Medvebitch. Get it? Because that guy is totally Putin’s bitch! Look, they can’t all fit easily into the actual names.

    Lou Dunford
    Unemployed

Recent American Voices
  • Gamers Succeed Where Scientists Couldn’t

    09.26.11 | ISSUE 47•39

    After trying for more than a decade to create a computer model for a protein key to the reproduction of HIV, scientists turned to online gamers, who completed the task in three weeks. What do you think?

  • Iran Frees American Hikers

    09.23.11 | ISSUE 47•39

    Two American hikers who were captured and accused of spying when they strayed across the border into Iran have been freed after 26 months.

  • Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

    09.22.11 | ISSUE 47•38

    A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can’t tell exactly when or where just yet.

  • Netflix Starts Qwikster

    09.21.11 | ISSUE 47•38

    In an attempt to rebound from the public relations disaster of the company’s poorly-rolled-out price increases, Netflix announced that its newly separate DVD service would be rebranded Qwikster. What do you think?

  • Republicans Call Tax Proposal ‘Class Warfare’

    09.20.11 | ISSUE 47•38

    High-ranking Republicans, including chairman of the House Budget Committee Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), have spoken out against President Obama’s proposed minimum tax rate for millionaires, decrying it as class warfare.

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REDHEADS GOING EXTINCT!

Posted by The Mullet Master On September - 26 - 2011

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND – Genetic Scientists have confirmed that the last redhead will be born in 2015!

Redheads or “gingers,” as British and Australian citizens call them, are going extinct.  The Scotland Genetic Center, made up of some of the world’s top redheaded genetic scientists, have predicted that there will be no more redheads born after 2015 and very few walking the planet in 2050.

The recessive gene for red hair is dying out.   It is not showing up with the frequency it once did.  Even if a woman or man is carrying the “red hair” gene today – there are very few.

There have been rumors of redhead extinction before, but now genetic experts around the world agree that redhead extinction is inevitable.

Red hair is caused by a mutation in the MC1R gene. It’s also a recessive trait, so it takes both parents passing on a mutated version of the MC1R gene to produce a redheaded child.  It used to a skip a generation – but scientists have said the “skipping” is coming to an end.

Global intermingling, which broadens the availability of possible partners, has reduced the chances of redheads meeting and so producing little redheads of their own is diminishing rapidly.

Although it takes only one red-haired parent to produce ginger babies, two redheads obviously creates a much stronger possibility.  And for some reason, redheads are no longer attracted to each other.

If the gingers want to save themselves they will have to start breeding with other gingers. “They need to make more redheaded babies,” said Dr. Sean Darby.  ”They only hope is if that redheads mate and produce  three or four babies each.   The odds will increase.  Otherwise – bye-bye redheads.”

In the United States, it is estimated that 2-6% of the population has red hair. This would give the U.S. the largest population of redheads in the world, at 6 to 18 million, compared to approximately 650,000 in Scotland and 420,000 in Ireland.

But by 2020 the number in the U.S. will drop to 2 million, in Scotland 200,000 and Ireland – 120,00.

Some Scots were happy to learn of the redhead extinction:  ”They have a specific odor, redheads do, and I don’t like it,” said Mary Conley of Glasgow.

Well, whether redheads smell or not, they won’t be around much longer.   This man be the last redheaded man standing:

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4 TV Ads That Depict Terrifying Alternate Universes

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On September - 26 - 2011

Share the terrifying ad worlds we missed on Twitter @ #AdUniverseAfterHours.

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10 Weirdest Travel Gadgets

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On September - 26 - 2011


Published on Today 9/26/2011
under Cool Objects
– by Gracie Murano

Customized Airline Seat Cover

Customized Airline Seat Cover
At first this sounds like a joke. Imagine you enter an airplane, find your seat and start stretching your own washable seat cover with leopard print. I’m sure, this looks more than odd, but the manufacturer tries to convince us to buy this cover telling each year more than 500 million people make domestic flights and they use the same seats making them less sanitary. I’m not sure anyone requires this seat cover as the majority think they have their clothes to protect from microbes left by previous passengers. However, if you are a cleanness junkie and are not confused to use this seat cover in an airplane, this gadget can be a nice thing to buy. Attention of all passengers is guaranteed as well as protection from germs, spills or crumbs.
(Link)

Traveller’s T-Shirt

Traveller's T-Shirt
If you’re a world traveler heading out to exotic destinations this summer, this Traveler’s Phrasebook T-Shirt might be just for you. It uses the same pictograms you see on international signs across the globe, bringing world communication down to its most basic level.
Designed by Artemy Lebedev of Optimus Maximus keyboard fame, it covers the most basic of human needs, and all you have to do is point to whatever it is you’re looking for and even the dopiest desk clerk will be able to help you out. Who needs some cumbersome electronic translator when a simple T-shirt will do?
(Link | Via)

One inch Camera

One inch Camera
If you are too worried about over packing, this is a good solution for you. Meet the world’s smallest digital camera, measuring just over one inch in all dimensions and weighing only half an ounce. Reminiscent of devices employed by Cold War-era operatives for intelligence gathering, the camera appears to require Lilliputian agility, yet its one-button operation provides easy picture taking. After a twist of its tiny lens for manual focus, it uses a 2 MP image sensor that takes still images at 1600 x 1200 resolution and captures video at 30 fps at 640 x 480 resolution.
(Link)

Talking Luggage Scale

Talking Luggage Scale
This is the only luggage scale that announces the weight of bags. Ensuring the convenient prevention of airline overweight-baggage fees without requiring even a casual glance of its 3 1/2″ backlit LCD, its built-in speaker announces the weight in an easy-to-understand female voice (e.g. “Thirty Eight Pounds”). It weighs up to 110 lbs. (accurate to one-tenth of a pound) and displays readings in pounds or kilograms. The display automatically turns off after 60 seconds of inactivity to preserve power.
(Link)

Flying Pasties

Flying Pasties
These orange rubber stickers – branded “Flying Pasties” – are designed to be placed inside or on top of a traveller’s underwear and obscure their private parts from controversial full-body airport scanners. The company’s website features a virtually nude woman wearing the stickers – which are available for about $15 each – but does not provide any evidence to show the product actually works.
Note: The company has been criticized on travel for being ineffective and capitalising on the fears of passengers subjected to the new airport scanners.
(Link)

USB Air Conditioned Shirt

USB Air Conditioned Shirt
Who doesn’t want a shirt that blows cool air across your back and torso during intense heat? Such a shirt sounds perfect if you’re planning on sitting outside in the middle of the desert. It would also be great if you were running or exercising in the hotel’s fitness room. However, the downfall is that it’s connected to a USB. In order to enjoy that nice cool air, you have to be hooked up to your laptop and have a powerful battery.
(Link)

Underwear Stash

Underwear Stash
If you’re concerned with hiding lots of money in places that are too obvious, consider BriefSafe. It’s a pair of nasty-looking, “pre-skid marked” drawers with a hidden pocket for all your cash, passport, etc.
(Link)

Travel bidet

Travel bidet
Perfect for cleanness junkie travelers, this pocket-size Travel Bidet was designed for those traveling to (shall we say) less sophisticated countries. Available from Skymall.com for US$44.95.
(Link)

Heated Pet Car Seat

Heated Pet Car Seat
Here’s something for folks who love their furkids to bits, and want to provide the very best for them – hence the Heated Pet Car Seat, perfect for those winter moments. This can be touted to be the only kind of pet car seat which is heated to deliver a cozy, warm quarter for pets whenever you travel. There is a 12-volt heater located inside the seat cushion, where it is capable of producing a mild radiant heat up to 15º F above the ambient temperature. The seat cushion itself is filled with 3″ of soft, supportive foam, while the interior of the car seat is covered with smooth, plush fleece.

You can string the car’s seat belt through the base of the car seat to help it remain stable even when you drive, and as long as Fido doesn’t chew through the heating element’s plug to the vehicle’s DC outlet, the both of you should be better off. Expect to fork out $149.95 for the Heated Pet Car Seat.
(Link)

Wi-Fi Network Detector T-shirt

Wi-Fi Network Detector T-shirt
On one hand this gadget is so nice and contains a sparkling idea of showing you and all people around you where the closest Wi-Fi hot spot is. Usually Wi-Fi detectors are tiny gadgets you put in your pocket, but you have to remove them from it and look to see if there is any access available. This T-short has a built Wi-Fi detector and its animated image displays current signal and its strength. The more bars appear on your shirt, the better signal is. This T-shirt shows you’re keen on modern technologies, but it also shows that you have a modern laptop or other portable devices worth more than a thousand of dollars. In true, you will attract attention as manufactures says, but I’m afraid this will not be the attention you want to get.
(Link)

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