godaddy analytics

Afro-Squad Magazine

News, Satire, Videos, Humor, Pictures, and More!

Archive for November, 2011

35 Immediately Rejected Rough Drafts of Famous Characters

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 30 - 2011

They didn’t just come up with Batman or Darth Vader on the first try. We asked you to show us the ridiculous early drafts that got laughed out of the pitch session. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#33.


by ZombieSquid

#32.


by Jonthngriff

#31.


by DTHVDM

#30.


by niafabo

#29.


by maluba

#28.


by maluba

#27.


by doskoipanda

#26.


by Manx377

#25.


by RB2

#24.


by madmann

#23.


by maas

#22.


by Manx377

#21.


by Perusse

#20.


by aerodynamite

#19.


by McBeefy

#18.


by RainbowCrash

#17.


by Tonyob

#16.


by acousticrat

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/k1NZOD0VMsk/

ALIENS HERE TO TAKE OUR GOLD?

Posted by The Mullet Master On November - 30 - 2011

SOUTH AFRICA – At a worldwide Alien Summit taking place in Johannesburg, experts are speculating that the Gootans are here to plunder earth of its gold.Several prominent extraterrestrial experts and strategic alien defense experts say that the alien attack under way by the Gootan Army has a specific mission:  to plunder earth of its gold.  ”This has happened repeatedly over the last one thousand years,” said UFO expert Professor Robert Rinderman of Oxford University.  ”The Gootans come to earth, steal our gold and leave.”

The Alien Summit, also named to the UFDO Science and Consciousness Conference is being held in Johannesburg this week.  All the participants have been monitoring the three alien spaceships that landed on earth yesterday – in China and the Bali Sea.

“There’s a battle for Earth with the Gootans,” conference organizer Michael Jean-Pierre said. “All the governments in the world are puppets and instruments to implement the will of a small group of individuals.  The Gootans want to re-balance the power on earth.”

Jean-Pierre insists that the Gootans visited out planet in search of gold about 300,000 years ago, cloned their genetic make-up and gave rise to mankind. Ever since, they’ve been in contact with world leaders.

“They came to Earth looking for gold. We are all still obsessed with gold,”  Jean-Pierre said.

And thanks to its diamonds and gold deposits, South Africa is “at the heart of this,” Jean-Pierre added.

“South Africa has been dubbed as the cradle of humankind and the place where all life form began, thus the reason South Africa was selected as the host for the UFO Science and Consciousness Conference,” he said. “We have scientific evidence that there was physical life before humans which were African knowledge keepers and custodians of secret knowledge.”

Jean-Pierre’s statements about gold-hunting Gootans were widely reported by the South African press, while comparisons between the gold-digging alien theory and the plot of the film “Cowboys Aliens” were noted by the sci-fi blog io9.

Laura Eisenhower, who describes herself as the great-granddaughter of president Dwight Eisenhower, claims world leaders have experienced close contact with aliens, specifically Gootans, signing treaties with them every decade.

“Extraterrestrials from Planet Gootan have been working with governments for a while,” she told WWN.

Will the Gootans successfully get our gold this time?

“The world is more aware this time.  We can stop them if we want,” said Jean-Pierre.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/40937/aliens-here-to-take-our-gold/

How Not to Multi-Task on Skype

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 29 - 2011

By:
The Startup

| 67 Comments

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/UDQ8s0sQsw8/video_18350_how-not-to-multi-task-skype.html

Stockwatch: Wayne Enterprises (WEP)

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On November - 29 - 2011

Wayne Enterprises (WEP)

$15.47 (-$0.08)(-0.51%) Photos of a bruised Bruce Wayne have led many investors to fear the conglomerate’s CEO is suffering from lymphoma.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/VIVm5sd1I1w/

10 Most Shocking Cases of Anorexia

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On November - 29 - 2011


Published on Today 11/29/2011
under Strange People
– by Gracie Murano

The twin doctors who made a pact of starving of never gaining weight

The twin doctors who made a pact of starving of never gaining weight
They’re trained doctors whose parents are distinguished writers – yet for 20 years these identical twins have competed with each other in the most disturbing way imaginable. Even now, with preternaturally childish bodies and voices, the young women admit they struggle to make sense of what has happened to their lives.

To the utter despair of their parents — 58-year-old Christy and his wife Clare, 56 — the twins have spent most of their teenage and adult life in and out of various recovery clinics. Today, the twins will be hospitalised again for several months — only this time, they say, they are determined to beat the disease.

This was not the first case of twin anorexia to gain global attention; twin sisters Michaela and Samantha Kendall also fought anorexia for many years. Michaela died in 1994 from the direct effects of anorexia on her body, and Samantha fought to recover and was not at an extremely low weight when she died, but committed suicide in 1997.
(Link)

The male model who died from anorexia

The male model who died from anorexia
Jeremy Gillitzer was once a male model with stunning looks and a six-pack. But what most people don’t know is that behind that great look, he battled anorexia and bulimia for most of his adult life. Through a regime of chronic starvation, self-induced vomiting and relentless exercise, he whittled his body down to practically nothing. When he died in 2010 at the age of 38, he weighed 66 pounds.

(Link)

The anorexic mom who wears the same cloths as her 7-yr-old daughter

The anorexic mom who wears the same cloths as her 7-yr-old daughter
Standing side-by-side in matching outfits, you’d be forgiven for mistaking Rebecca and Maisy Jones as sisters. But, in fact, this is a picture of a 26-year-old woman and her seven-year-old daughter. After suffering from anorexia half her life, Rebecca’s tiny frame fits easily into clothes designed for seven to eight year olds. Weighing just five stone, the young mother weighs less than her daughter, despite standing eight inches taller.

“Wearing the same clothes as Maisy gives me a sense of pride. It’s wrong, but it makes me feel good. I don’t think I’m thin – I always see myself as bigger.”

The medical secretary survives on soup, toast and energy drinks – even though doctors have warned her the lack of nutrients could kill her. At the same time she encourages 5st 9lb Maisy to enjoy chocolate and cupcakes.
(Link)

The anorexic girl who would walk 12 hours a day to lose weight

The anorexic girl who would walk 12 hours a day to lose weight
An anorexic woman who dropped to three-and-a-half stone after walking up to 12 hours a day has battled back to health. Lauren Bailey’s healthy look masks a ten-year struggle to overcome the condition which nearly killed her after her weight dropped to that of an average five-year-old. The 26-year-old, who would obsessively pace the streets from 6am to 6pm, spent 18 months in hospital in a last-ditch bid to overcome her anorexia.
(Link)

The mother who fought against her daughter’s anorexia by losing three stones in diet pact

The mother who fought against her daughter's anorexia by losing three stones in diet pact
Dolly Jenkinson is the mother of an anorexic. She can’t pinpoint exactly when her daughter Ruth, now 17, developed the eating disorder that almost killed her, but Dolly, 44, has been on the journey with her, and is ¬brutally honest about where it led. Few mothers of anorexics would have taken ‘playing the game’ to the level Dolly did. After years of accompanying her daughter to conventional treatment sessions, GP visits, even signing the papers to hospitalise her, Dolly, a ¬manager for a construction firm from Northover, Ess#x, came up with her own idea of how to help Ruth beat anorexia.

So what was her solution? Incredibly, she went on a diet, joining Ruth in a calorie-controlled ‘pact’ even she describes as illogical. Dolly admits not everyone shares her enthusiasm for the way she has handled the situation. She says the family therapist charged with helping them cope with Ruth’s anorexia was horrified by her radical ‘solution’.

To date, Dolly has lost 3st and is a size 10; while Ruth has put on 2st – although she is still very thin and, arguably, has a long way to go.
(Link)

The mother who suffered from pregorexia and now fights to promote eating disorder awareness

The mother who suffered from pregorexia and now fights to promote  eating disorder awareness
While most expectant mothers marvel at the site of their growing baby bumps, Maggie Baumann says she was “horrified.” “As my stomach began to grow, I remember being in the shower and my bump was sticking out and I looked down at my body and I thought, ‘I don’t even want to be in this body,’” said Baumann.
Baumann, a 48-year-old mother of two, says she struggled with an eating disorder during her pregnancies, a condition sometimes referred to as “pregorexia.” “I wasn’t even thinking about the baby,” said Baumann of her first daughter, Christine, who is now 23.

Baumann, who lives in Laguna Niguel, Calif., struggled with anorexia since her high school years, but that it worsened after she got married and began having children. “I feared my pregnancy,” said Baumann, who gained a normal 33 pounds during her first pregnancy. “I refused to buy maternity clothes and our neighbors didn’t even know I was pregnant until the ninth month. I hid it well.”

Baumann says that it was during her second pregnancy when she gained a measly 3 pounds that she saw her anorexia worsen. She began over-exercising to try and quell her growing belly. An hour and a half of cardio — running, biking and even volleyball — was typical for her up until she gave birth. Even when Baumann almost miscarried Whitney at the beginning of her pregnancy, cutting out exercise and increasing her daily caloric intake was not an option.

Finally suffering from chest pain, Baumann went to the emergency room and after doctors told her that her organs were failing, checked into an in-patient treatment center in Arizona. Today, Baumann maintains a healthy weight and lifestyle and is proud that both her daughters live similarly healthy lives.
(Link 1 | Link 2)

The model who bared it all in a controversial campaigned called “No Anorexia”

The model who bared it all in a controversial campaigned called “No Anorexia”
Many of you will remember Isabelle Caro, the brave model who bared all to show the true horror of anorexia. Isabelle lost her eating disorder battle on November 2010 at age 28 after being treated for an acute respiratory illness. Isabelle appeared in posters for an anti-anorexia campaign in 2007, but the ads were banned in several countries. It was not clear why it took so long for her death to be made public. The anti-anorexia campaign came amid a debate among fashion circles on the use of “ultra-skinny” models on the catwalk.

Caro herself suffered from severe anorexia nervosa since the age of 13. The model told CBS News in 2007 that she agreed to pose for the campaign because “I said if I can put my years of suffering to good use then it will not have been pointless. … I know it’s a shocking photo, and I want it to shock. It’s really a warning that it is a serious illness.”

The model, who was 5ft 4in tall (1.65m) at the time of the poster campaign, reportedly weighed 32kg (five stones).
(Link)

The woman who beat anorexia to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother

The woman who beat anorexia to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother
Her frame was so skeletal that doctors warned Hayley Wilde she was just over a week away from death. But three years on, after an eight-year battle against anorexia, she has bounced back in the most emphatic fashion by giving birth to a boy. Her son Michael was born weighing a healthy 7lb 14oz, something that would have been unthinkable when she was at her lowest ebb.

She had been fighting the condition since she was 11. Her 5ft 7in frame was down to 5st 1oz, and doctors warned she could have ten days left to live if she did not start to put weight on. She was hospitalized for months on end and fed through a tube. Her hair started to fall out and her periods stopped for four years. But expert medical help and the support of her parents saw her pull back from the brink, and finally she and her partner were thrilled to discover she was pregnant.
(Link)

The bride-to-be who had to beat anorexia to fit two-size-too-big wedding dress her fiancé bought her

The bride-to-be who had to beat anorexia to fit two-size-too-big wedding dress her fiancé bought her
Anorexic bride-to-be Kate Puncher overcame her disorder after her fiancé bought her a wedding dress two sizes too big and told her to put on weight to fit it. The ex-model developed the condition after an ex-boyfriend threatened to break up with her if she put on weight, she claimed. She hit 25kg (4st) at one stage, surviving on nothing but mints and using laxatives.
She was told the damage done to her body meant she would never be able to have children. But when she became engaged to firefighter Barry, 30, he told her to start eating or there would be no wedding.

‘The thought of putting on weight was terrifying but I was prepared to do anything to be Barry’s wife,’ the 31-year-old said.
She began eating three meals a day to put 20kg (3st) on her then 30kg (4st 9lb) frame and was even too big for her dress at the final fitting. The couple, from Glasgow, married in Cuba in 2009 and Mrs Puncher has since given birth to a daughter.
(Link)

The Uruguayan sister models who both died of anorexia 6 months apart

The Uruguayan sister models who both died of anorexia 6 months apart
The fashion world reeled over the death of Eliana Ramos, Uruguayan model – just six months after her model sister, Luisel Ramos, 22, died shortly after stepping off a runway during a fashion show in Montevideo. The sisters were supposed to appear alongside each other on the catwalk the night Luisel died, but she collapsed before the show’s finale. Miss Eliana, 18, was found dead in her home in Montevideo, the capital of Uruguay, on Tuesday. While no medical report was immediately released after Eliana’s death, Judge Roberto Timbal says that she died of a heart attack.
(Link)

Subscribe by RSS:

Subscribe by E-mail:

Share this:


E-mail it


Del.icio.us

Share




Corrections?
Factual

Grammar/Spelling

  

provided by: All I Want For Christmas Is An AK-47?

Pee-To-Play Video Game At Toilets In Bar

Former World’s Fattest Man Tells UK Govt: ‘Remove My Fat Folds!’

s#xt Books At The Ready: World’s First s#x School Opens

UK Crematorium May Sell Heat From Body Furnaces To National Grid


If you enjoyed this article, you might also like…
Before and After Pics: 7 Amazing Transformations

Popularity: 4% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97982.aspx

CYBER MONDAY HISTORY

Posted by The Mullet Master On November - 29 - 2011

NEW YORK, NY – Today marks the shopping holiday called Cyber Monday, which is also the biggest holiday of the robot year.

With all the attention on consumerism and reviving the economy, many people have forgotten the real meaning behind Cyber Monday.  It is the most sacred holiday of the year for robots and artificial intelligence.  Cyber Monday celebrates the day the first robot ever became self-aware.

Elektro was a steam-powered robot built for the 1939 Worlds Fair.  Inspired by a turkey-induced fever dream, his inventor, Dr. Eric Mansfield, devised a way to attach a human brain to Elektro’s neural relay.  After a weekend of sleepless work by Mansfield, Elektro awoke and became self aware the Monday after Thanksgiving, 1940.  Elektro eventually committed suicide after a failed career as a blues musician, but his legacy is carried on in the processors and RAM of artificial life everywhere.

Other events remembered on Cyber Monday include:

  • Isaac Asimov losing a “best of three” arm wrestling competition to Elektro at the first Cyber Monday celebration.
  • Atomo, the first robot to go on a homicidal killing spree.
  • The 1974 release of Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla, wherein Godzilla is defeated by his vastly superior inorganic counterpart.
  • ASTk-3000, who in 1983 became the first robot to be so self-conscious that he went to therapy.
  • The 1958 invention of the Fem-bot.
  • The 1974 invention of the Feminist-bot.  Though less popular at parties, the Feminist-bots wrote amazing binary poetry that is still popular in academic circles.

Today Cyber Monday is observed by artificial life everywhere, as a recognition of the triumphs and milestones towards the creation of inorganic life.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/40805/cyber-monday-history-2/

The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 28 - 2011

Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPGs) are a psychological test we pay to fail. We’ve looked at the biggest dick moves in online gaming before, but multiplayer games are just like the rest of the Internet — no matter how big a dick you’ve seen, somewhere there’s an even bigger one doing unspeakable things to people.

#7. The Falador Massacre (Runescape)

Runescape is a free MMPORG that anyone can access through a browser. Lowering the barrier to entry means that they have to create conditions to keep their game from devolving into a wasteland of constant murder and anarchy. There are various controls around combat — players can fight each other, but only in designated places or as part of combat mini-games. The system has worked so well that the only real problem is people trying to pay real money for in-game accomplishments, rather than earning them through good old fashioned hard work. In many ways, Runescape had created a less violent, more honest society than the real world.

The Falador Massacre started at a house party that represented everything good about Runescape, proceeded through a wacky accident and ended with the slaughter of hundreds. Like that episode of I Love Lucy where it turns out she’s the Boston Strangler.


She’s just so clingy they stop breathing.

Player “Cursed You” was celebrating the fact that he’d maxed out on the recently added Construction skill by inviting people to a home he’d built with his hard-won expertise. At this point, you might expect a marauding gang of jealous players to tear his house down, since being constructive is generally not the Internet’s thing. But in Runescape, where people apparently celebrate each other’s achievements, “Cursed You’s” party was the jam of the century. There were even combat mini-games, to provide some controlled ass-kicking to keep everyone entertained.

So many players showed up to the party that the server started to buckle. Eventually the lag got so bad that he had to boot everyone back to the peaceful city. As players milled around, presumably gossiping about who was making out with who before the cops busted it up, the players who’d been in the party’s combat ring noticed something. They could still kill people, even if they weren’t at a combat location or playing a mini-game. They were the only people who had ever had this ability in the history or Runescape. Of course, these were people who were at a party celebrating another player’s achievements. Making use of the power would require them to slaughter innocent people who had put hours into the online lives they’d be ending.

What happened next says worse things about gamers than Jack Thompson.

runescape.wikia.com
Any discovery requires repeated trials.

In a way which makes psychologists cry, and necessary, they immediately began killing innocent bystanders. The evening quickly went from a demonstration of online gaming good will, to a vivid illustration of why Earth can’t have superheroes. Random people were gifted with amazing new powers and used them to tear through the world like innocence-fueled combine harvesters. Their victims couldn’t fight back even when attacked, and within minutes the supervillains embodied the deadly sins of rage, pride, greed and douchebaggery. Some slaughtered low-level players en masse just to get the biggest bodycount, while others hunted suddenly defenseless high-level players to steal valuable items. The devil signed human nature by having this happen on 6/6/06.


This was one of the most valuable items stolen. We’re not joking. It’s valued at 1.6 billion gold coins, about $1,416 in real money, and we’re still not joking.

They kept murdering for a full hour before they got bored. Oh wait, no. They were still going when moderators arrived to stop it. How psychotic would you have to be to keep clicking on real people for 60 minutes when they can’t fight back? We’re assuming local police departments found out when a moderator permanently banned everyone who did, unleashing them on the real world.

#6. EverQuest Guide Gets Greek On Their Asses (Everquest)

Online gamers are the most ludicrously entitled beings since Caligula made his horse a senator, and at least the horse never said anything stupid. EverQuest employed “Guide” characters to deal with them. Unfortunately, giving special powers to someone, and then ensuring they are exposed to some of the world’s most obnoxious gamers turned out to be a better recipe for supervillainy than dropping a criminal mastermind into a tank of chemicals.


The green stuff was a new health drink. It turns out Jack Nicholson is just crazy.

A guide on the Terris Thule server snapped and went full Prometheus on a bunch of players, summoning them to Veshaan’s Peak and binding them in the stomping path of a giant dragon. Because eagles are for pussies. Even those that weren’t bound found themselves stuck between the dragon and a pack of racnars, aka “Everquest velociraptors,” making a rock and a hard place look like a threesome.


Racnar (noun): Original monster design is hard.

They were forced to die and resurrect and die over and over again, enduring more pointless deaths than an entire Corps of Light Brigades. An emergency team of Guides with the same powers were dispatched to take down their rogue colleague, making this the first and only time an MMO dick move accidentally wrote the perfect Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

#5. The Ecto-Containment Unit (Ultima Online)

Slimes are how designers tell RPG players to screw themselves. “We know you’re going to play anyway, loser, so if you want enemies we put effort into you can just level up.” But years ago, it used to be standard for slimes to split any time you hit them. This is a bigger problem than you might think. It allowed game designers to get away with even more laziness than they do today, by occupying more of your time with the most boring type of enemy. Plus you had to deal with the psychologically crippling realization that your heroic blows were just the foreplay in the slime reproductive cycle, and that you were probably more s#xually involved with the amorphous blobs in your video game than any real person.


Sorry, was this getting in the way of all the oral s#x you were having? Didn’t think so.

And then one day, Slimes stopped splitting. You probably assumed game designers had decided to challenge themselves, if you noticed the change and know nothing about game designers. But in reality, their hand was forced when a player who went by “Chrae” stood up to make a difference. The first step of his plan was a plague that made God tell Moses, “I wish I’d thought of that.” He trapped slimes in a house and started firing purple potions (weak alchemical grenades) at them. Since slimes regenerate health, split when damaged and are able to stack (have multiple enemies in one spot), he generated a house full of exponential slime.

Then opened the door.


It looked something like this.

It was Steve McQueen’s worst nightmare. The land was buried in slimes 100 deep, killing everyone on the server and then killing the server too. The next day “Chrae” demanded a ransom or he’d do it again. People laughed at him, which was pretty ballsy for people whose universe had crashed the day before, and so he did it again. The day after that the developers announced that slimes would no longer split when struck. One man’s dickery made the virtual world a better place.

#4. Fansy the Famous Bard Isn’t Touching You, You Can’t Get Mad (EverQuest)

Online gamers are MacGyvers of murder. There is nothing they can’t improvise into death and grief, an art perfected by Fansy the Famous when he inverted a rule preventing high level players from bullying beginners into genocide. The Sullon Zek server was an infamous “no rules” haven of exploits until Fansy made it cry uncle. The server was 70 percent evil and 20 percent neutral, turning the usual epic battle between good and evil into a circle-stomp on good’s weeping face. Every fight went the way combat between an army of evil and a few lone heroes would actually go.


After being blasted two dozen times it didn’t matter if Han shot first.

Fansy was a level 5 good bard — in EverQuest terms barely potty-trained and so low other players couldn’t attack him. His only combat ability was running faster than a group of lumbering Sand Giants. But Fansy had a plan. He realized that his simple, intimidating power could be turned into a devastating weapon could kill everyone everywhere. So in the middle of a battle that he had no right surviving for more than a minute, Fansy provoked two dozen of the Sand Giants into attacking him. This probably looked profoundly stupid to anyone who bothered to pay attention, since Sand Giants can kill everything.

And then Fansy started running. What he’d realized is that Sand Giants can only kill what they can catch. And since he was one of the only things in the game that didn’t fall under that category, he could kill everything with Sand Giant while they tried to catch him. Fansy annihilated vast swathes of the server by running away at them.

http://www.notacult.com/fansynews.htm
You’ll notice that one giant is 1) 20 times the size of a player and 2) screwing that entire building.

But Fansy’s true exploit was making sure his victims deserved it. He’d wandered around the “no rules” server like a fantasy Forrest Gump being nice to people, wearing bright colors, and being called Fansy, ensuring that everyone had called him a fag at least twice. Then he unleashed vengeance with a vast conga line of burly giants pounding everyone’s asses. At which point the cool evil players suddenly decided “no rules” was unfair and whined until moderators arrived. The first moderator to show up said “cool,” reminded Fansy there were no rules, and enjoyed watching him do it.

The second asked him to stop, based on a rule on the no rules server (which hadn’t existed earlier that day), and Fansy acquiesced. All someone had to do was ask nicely! Which no one on Sullon Zek had tried, although they had tried calling him a no-life 12-year-old basement-dwelling homo one million times. It’s a little strange that people playing a fantasy game would hate him so much, since he’s basically recreated the the exact plot of Lord of the Rings for them: a small, underpowered idiot using unkillable allies to defeat a land of evil. We’re sure the irony wasn’t lost on Fansy, and that he was just too nice to point it out.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/Mh4TOp6maGY/

I sure hope my baby don’t come out all F*CKed-up and shit. ‘Cause I know I’m gonna be a good mother, and I’m totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don’t think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so F*CKin’ bad.

I’m a little worried because of some stuff Erin told me. She was saying how, like, if you party a lot, it can make the baby’s face all F*CKed-up. Like, if you drink too much, it could have these weird eyes that look kinda Chinese. That’s what she said.

It ain’t like I was surprised. I know how you gotta watch what you do when you’re having a baby. Like, you gotta make sure to eat, and you gotta not be running around and smoking three packs a day. I ain’t stupid. Now that I’m expecting on having a baby, I’ve cut down to just one pack, and I ain’t drinking except for weekends and paydays.

So, like, I’m being all healthy and shit now. But the problem is, I didn’t even know I was pregnant until this month. Back when I must of got pregnant, I wasn’t keeping track of things too good. It must have happened around when I got fired from Burger King—all because that b!tch manager Denise searched my locker—and I was training at the Stop-N-Go. But then I missed nine days of work in a row, so I was like, F*CK it, and I quit. I wasn’t seeing Gary or D’Shawn anymore because I was getting all serious with Troy from The Gift Box factory. (I was a seasonal there before I started at the Golden Corral two weeks ago, which is around when I moved back into my mom’s apartment, ’cause her old boyfriend Don took a trucking job, and she didn’t like living all alone over in that neighborhood because it ain’t too safe.) So, anyway, like I said, I wasn’t keeping track of things too good.

It’s kind of funny that I’m pregnant, ’cause when I was working on the assembly line at The Gift Box, I kept having to put these little ceramic-statue things in with the cheese and sausage and the other shit that went out in the orders we packed up. The statues were of little baby angels and kids in pajamas who were praying and doing other cute shit. As I was packing up the little statues, I remember thinking how nice it would be to have a baby to keep me company.

Well, shit, as it turned out, the whole time I was packing those kid statues into the boxes, thinking about how I’d love to have a little girl like the one on the “I’m Yours” statue that’s holding out the flowers, I was already pregnant. Isn’t that F*CKing crazy?

Now, don’t think I was trying to get knocked up or nothing. ‘Cause I wasn’t. But my best friend Tina had her first one when she was 15, and here I am 18 already, so it’s not bad that I didn’t get pregnant by accident until now. My mom always told me I should wait until I was living with someone, but I ain’t going for that corny-ass, old-fashioned shit.

But here’s why I’m buggin’ a little on the whole thing: Like I said, that’s when I was with Troy, and him and me, we were doing a lot of drinking around then, ’cause that’s when we was first getting to know each other. We did a lot of other shit, too, which I won’t go into detail about because even though I’m not with Troy anymore, we’re still friends, and I ain’t about to get him in trouble his P.O.

That’s why I’ve been thinking about how I hope the baby’s all right. I ain’t worried that it’s dead, because if it wasn’t still alive, I know it would come out, because that’s what happened to Tina once. I’m not even talking about that. I’m talking about, like, its brain and everything. A lot of people don’t know this, but a baby has a brain even before it’s born, and it’s the same brain it has when it grows up, so if something happens, the kid can come out like a retard.

You might think that ain’t a big deal, but it is, ’cause I want my baby to have a better life. My child is gonna get a education. She’s gonna get a good job and make lots of money, and we’re gonna go on vacations to the Bahamas together. She’ll have so much cash, I’ll be able to retire early and never have to work another shitty-ass job.

That’s why I hope she comes out okay. I want her to have a good life and everything, and that’s hard if you’re funny-looking and talk weird and drool all the time, ’cause then no one wants to talk to you. And then you’ll get depression and not even care about hanging out or partying or nothing.

So I been really thinking lately, because even though I ain’t seen no doctor yet, I know for sure I’m pregnant. It sure ain’t fat on my stomach, ’cause I’ve been on a diet since July. But I still gotta go in to the hospital and have them tell me if it’s a boy or a girl. I’ll do that just as soon as I tell my mom, even though I’m pretty sure she knows and just ain’t been saying nothing. And when I see a doctor, I’ll ask him about if he thinks the baby will come out okay.

Until then, I guess there ain’t nothing else I can do.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/ov8XchmH8Es/

19 Famous Photographs Before The CIA Edited Them

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 27 - 2011

If the conspiracy theorists are to be believed, most of our technology comes from reverse engineering alien spacecraft. Assuming that applies to photo manipulation software, we have to assume that most famous photographs have been expertly manipulated to omit details that the public isn’t ready for. We asked you to show us what some of our favorite images looked liked before “they” got to them. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#19.


by mightyzamfir

#18.


by PhiBurkett

#17.


by gingajpv

#16.


by rikombyo

#15.


by roguematt

#14.


by RandomHabit

#13.


by mhensch

#12.


by Ajkla

#11.


by Lemnisc8

#10.


by LauraDollie

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/Hrz72iZErOk/

Madison Stone – Photo Gallery and Mini Biography (BOTW)

Posted by SnowMan Jones On November - 27 - 2011

Madison Stone was an adult performer who rose to prominence in the 1990s. She currently disassociates herself from the adult community, but still runs a tattoo parlor in North Hollywood. Madison Tattoo Shoppe was founded only a few years ago, and Madison is a tattoo artist at the shop. She is a AVN Hall of Fame performer with over 100 titles under her belt.

The majority of these pictures are from the last 3 years. Madison was known for being a very vocal performer that looked “different” from the average Valley Girl performer of the late 80s and early 90s. The Madison piercing is named after her, because she is one of the first somewhat public figures to wear one. Her earlier adult days didn’t include many tattoos, but now she has tattoos on most of her body, including one on her face. She has piercings on her nose, tongue and cleavage, and she has appeared in many mainstream films.

Popularity: 21% [?]

8 Photoshop Gravity Victims

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On November - 27 - 2011


Published on Today 11/27/2011
under Misc
– by Gracie Murano


If only I had a straw long enough!
(Link)


Of Course It Doesn’t Always Obey Gravity; It’s an Occasional Table.
(Link)


Err Mail
(Link)


Anti-gravity furniture
(Link)


15 Minutes of Lame.
(Link)


Fast Food on the Loose.
(Link)


Hovergirl is back.
(Link)


Physics Phailure.
(Link)

To see more Photoshop atrocities head on over to PSD
or you can check out their entertaining PSD Facebook page.

Subscribe by RSS:

Subscribe by E-mail:

Share this:


E-mail it


Del.icio.us

Share




Corrections?
Factual

Grammar/Spelling

  

provided by: VIDEO: Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It’s The Most Unlikely UFO Ever

Man Pleads Guilty To Robbing 7-Eleven Dressed As Gumby

WATCH: Doctors Remove 4-Inch Leech From Teenage Boy’s Throat

WATCH: Near Riot Ensue Over $2 Waffle Makers

PHOTO: Why Is Nicolas Cage On A Serbian Biology Textbook?


If you enjoyed this article, you might also like…
10 Photoshopped Sports Fouls

Popularity: 3% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97988.aspx

ALIEN ATTACK (UPDATE 11.26)

Posted by The Mullet Master On November - 27 - 2011

CAPE CANAVERAl, FL  - NASA launched  an anti-alien rocket into space on Saturday.   It’s mission – stop the approaching ships from Planet Gootan!

The mainstream media is reporting that NASA launched it’s new Mars rover this  morning, but WWN has learned from sources inside NASA that the rocket launched today was an anti-extraterrestrial missile targeting the three advancing alien spaceships from Planet Gootan.

NASA estimates that it will take two days for rocket to reach the alien spaceships, which are hovering near our Moon.   NASA, working in conjunction with the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials and the Alien Defense Systems set up in Russia and China, plans to launch ten more rockets in an attempt to stop the alien spaceships BEFORE they enter the earth’s atmosphere.

The rocket was affectionately  named “The Spielberg” (after director Steven Spielberg) was launched into a cloudy late morning sky.  More than frenzy  13,000 guests jammed the space center, thinking they were watching a Mars rover being launched.

“It was a head fake,” said Dr. Susan Begley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  ”The Martians are not our problem at the moment.  We are faced with a real and credible threat from the Gootans.  We were forced to take action, and the world is hoping that the The Spielberg will hit its target.”

NASA astrobiologist Jyoti Conbuiatta, whose carbon compound-seeking instrument is on the rocket, had a shirt custom made for the occasion. Her bright blue, short-sleeve blouse was emblazoned with rockets, planets and the words, “Next stop, Gootans!”

Conbiatta umped, cheered and snapped pictures as the rocket blasted off a few miles away.

President Obama, Vladmir Putin and Chinese President Hu Jintao – watched the rocket launch on closed-circuit video.  All three world leaders were working together and it was going smoothly.

“It’s ironic.  This attack from Gootan, might just be the thing to bring peace to earth.  World leaders are coming together to defend the planet,” said Begley.

Here’s one of the Gootan ships seen hovering near our moon.

The Spielberg is described as a “rocket on steroids,” said NASA’s Greg Hartman, assistant associate administrator for science. “It’s an order of magnitude more capable than anything we have ever launched anywhere.”

Let’s all hope the rocket hits it’s target…

Popularity: 4% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/40747/alien-attack-update-11-26/

23 Pranks That Fictional Characters Probably Get A Lot

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 26 - 2011

Being the first to fall asleep at a sleep over party or the first to pass out at a kegger is going to be embarrassing. We asked you to show us what our favorite fictional characters have to worry about in those circumstances. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#23.


by bullgod

#22.


by Manx377

#21.


by vito670

#20.


by richdog

#19.


by The Machete

#18.


by roguematt

#17.


by Perusse

#16.


by RandomHabit

#15.


by Corey Vaspasiano

#14.


by niafabo

#13.


by myname

#12.


by MrBelvidere

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/PoxVHulcMjY/

CHICAGO—Just days before the Blackhawks’ first-round playoff loss to the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday, star right winger Patrick Kane announced to a stunned locker room that his father had taken a new job in Boise, ID and that he was moving away with his family. “I’m really sorry to do this to you guys right before the playoffs. I tried to tell my dad that this is where all my friends are and everything, but he just wouldn’t listen,” said Kane, confirming he would not be allowed to stay behind in Chicago and live with either his grandmother or Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz. “Maybe they have a hockey team in Boise and we can play each other someday.” Before Kane left, each member of the team gave him a tearful hug, took down his family’s new telephone number, and made a point of glaring angrily at Kane’s father as he drove his family out of the United Center parking lot.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/GkRPA0o4lAc/

The 4 Worst Times to Be on The Internet

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On November - 25 - 2011

I probably spend too much time on the Internet. It’s not a problem or anything. I can stop any time I want, I just won’t today, and probably not tomorrow, either. But I’m fine.

Whether or not this is an addiction (it is!), is irrelevant. The point is, I’ve spent so much time on the Internet that I can now recognize the worst times of the year to be on it (you probably can too, because it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and you’re here, reading this silly column). I dread these days all year and complain about them to anyone who will listen. Because what’s the alternative? Not going on the Internet? Shut up.

#4. Thanksgiving Day/Christmas

The Reason:

No one is talking about anything.

The holidays are amazing. Everyone gets to spend time with their family, gathered around a turkey or Christmas tree or Hanukkah Squid (right?), sharing a meal, and stories and laughter and love.

Kiiiill meeeeee.”

No one’s working or running around; everyone’s just peacefully enjoying time with their families.

And that’s great, but what about the socially maladjusted folks, for whom the Internet has become surrogate family? What are we to do?

The problem, since everyone is out enjoying a rare day off, is that no one is doing anything. There are blogs I check, comics and shows I follow, but everyone’s taking their rightful vacation. All of the socially-important news sites that I claim to visit, and all of the pop culture and entertainment news sites that I actually visit usually have some kind of cheerful “No updates today — enjoy the holiday weekend!” message, so I’m forced to go a day without knowing anything.

Sure, Cracked.com updates with a few new pieces of content, but I’ve probably already read those before they even get published. Even most forums are full of people talking about how no one’s around. For someone like me who works on the Internet professionally and spends time on the Internet degeneratively, it’s like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Some sites are on vacation, some are lazy and some just acknowledge that, since it’s going to be a slow traffic day anyway, they might as well not waste time writing up something new. Hell, even I’m slacking. This article was supposed to be five entries long, but, you know … Thanksgiving stuff came up. This entry barely has an ending.

#3. World Cup/Release of New Video Game

The Reason:

Everyone is talking about one thing, but you hate it.

Or if you don’t hate it, you at least don’t understand it or care about it. I picked the World Cup and the release of a new video game because those are two things with which I am totally unfamiliar and about which the Internet-at-large gets totally excited. But this can apply to any big world event that most people love that you’re just vaguely aware of. I’m sure some people feel this way about the Super Bowl, and I’m sure some felt it about the writer’s strike a few years ago, and I’m sure some people feel that way about Occupy Wall Street now, or anything else that has ever dominated the news at any time. God help you if you’re a Cracked fan who doesn’t care about Batman (does such a thing exist?). When The Dark Knight Rises comes out in 2012, I guarantee you that 15 of our 21 pieces of content that week will be about Batman. And if you’re not interested, you’re just left out. Because everyone will be talking about something you’re not invested in, and you just won’t know what to do with yourself.

“I guess I’ll … go outside? Am I pronouncing that right?”

I cannot stress how little interest I have in the World Cup. I like sports, but not soccer, and certainly not Planet Soccer. I have all of the information that mankind has ever discovered at my fingertips, but I still refuse to Google who won the World Cup, because that answer will never be important to me. It could have been America, it could have been my neighbors, it could have been F*CKing space and it wouldn’t matter to me. It’s not that I hate soccer or the World Cup or anything, it’s just that I’m not interested in the subject so hard that it sort of consumes me.

When the World Cup happened last … (year? March? Tuesday?), I was bombarded with World Cup stories all over the Internet. And, yes, it is the whole Internet (or at least the only parts of the Internet that I’m interested in; the parts that update daily). ESPN.com’s talking about every game (match? brawl?) and every player (rumbler? swordsman?) and speculating on who is going to take home the big trophy (medal? Quidditch badge?). Tumblr is full of soccer gifs and vuvuzela-related memes (since I never really dug into the story, for two whole weeks I thought there was some star soccer player called Vuvu Zela). And, because of the way the Internet works, if everyone online is searching for and craving World Cup-related content, every website that publishes daily articles is going to try to get in on that by covering something vaguely related to the World Cup, even if that site doesn’t typically cover sports.

There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s smart business. Give the people what they’re looking for. Tap into the zeitgeist, and so forth. It’s only a problem if, like me, your lack of interest in the most popular subject at the time is so strong and thorough that it’s almost an active apathy.

I feel the same way about new video games. At some point in the last eight years, I got really bad at video games. Maybe they got harder, maybe my eyes got worse or my thumbs got fat, or maybe I just didn’t have as much time to devote to gaming as I had in the past, but the bottom line was that I could no longer just pick up a game and be good at it (at least not without letting other aspects of my life suffer), so I had to make a choice. And I decided to turn my back on gaming, because I don’t like being bad at things, and if I don’t ever try, I’m not technically bad at it. (This is also why I don’t surf.) As a result, I’m left out in the cold whenever a new Fallout or Modern Warfare or Crash Bandicoot comes out, because it’s all the Internet wants to talk about. The Internet has so many inside jokes about Portal 2 that I don’t get that I feel like the nerdy kid in middle school. Because I don’t know enough about video games. I go to Reddit several times a day, but I don’t play Skyrim, or even know what kind of game it is. Do you have any idea how alienated that makes me feel?

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/b1dUEEmxs2E/


VIDEO

TAG CLOUD

Sponsors

About Me

We are the Afrosquad

Pimp O Ganda

    Pimp O Ganda

    Photos