Popularity: 3% [?]

Washington (A.N.U.S.) — As the military examines its policy banning openly gay, lesbian and bisexual people from serving, those who have lived with “don’t ask, don’t tell” are talking about their experiences and concerns.

“In a way, I think it should just be left alone,” said Navy Seal Mike Sharpe. “The Seals and I take a lot of showers together.  We go down on a big steel ship full of seamen, and we sleep together in tight quarters.  I am afraid that by having queers in the military that we would start doing things that seem gay!”

Sharpe says the existing policy is part of military life. Nobody asks. Nobody tells. 

“There’s nobody out trying to hunt somebody down saying, ‘Oh my gosh, kick them out — they’re gay! They’re lesbian!’ ” Runkle said. “There’s nothing like that at all.  We just look for the guys who dress well and we kick them in the balls.”

Some service members and veterans, though, have had a different experience.

Dan Mantan — a former Army sergeant who served in Iraq until he was discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” — said that if anything, coming out to his unit “brought us closer together, literally.  I had all sorts of new bunk mates after that!”

Popularity: 15% [?]

Up and coming World Wrestling Entertainment rival, Total Nonstop Action has a game plan to win ratings away from their nemesis in the sports entertainment realm.  TNA decided to hire elderly wrestlers like 80s icon Scott Hall and 70s kingpin Ric Flair in the battle to win the 60 to 80 year old demographic. 

“Brother, I am very excited,” stated 57-year old grappling icon Hulk Hogan.  “I didn’t hear their call at first.  I thought it was just a ringing in my ear.  Once I picked up my Jitterbug, I told them I was ready to wrastle.  I jumped from my table at Golden Corral and headed straight to Orlando.” 

Hogan stopped at the Sun City Retirement home on the way to pick up his friends Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs (The Nasty Boys).  The 90-mile trip from Sun City to Orlando took a little under seven hours.  Hogan stated that the crew had to stop several times for bathroom breaks and they had an issue “trying to figure out that automatic hand dryer.” 

“If we are going to compete with Vince (McMahon, a head honcho in the WWE), we are going to have to get a better timeslot,” said long time Hogan ally Eric Bischoff.  “People just can’t stay up after 8 PM these days.  Maybe we can get something at 6 AM.  That’s when our generation has their most energy.” 

TNA will also have some setbacks as they incorporate an older generation into their programming.  It was reported that Kevin Nash, another older wrestler who performs with the company, fell and almost broke his hip in a match with Alex Shelly.  It was fortunate that Life Alert was available to save him before the ten count. 

TNA is also in negotiations with such wrestlers as Frank Gotch, Sam Muchnick, Bruno Sammartino, and Lou Thesz.

Popularity: 2% [?]

WASHINGTON—Rear Admiral Juan Love (Left), the nation’s top uniformed officer, made a strong appeal for allowing gays to serve openly in the military, a shift that highlighted the Pentagon’s growing support for lifting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law.

Adm. Love, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Senate Armed Services Committee he believed the “don’t ask” restrictions—which require gay troops to keep their sexual orientation a secret—could be eliminated because “they were like totally bogus and we just need to loosen up around here.”   

After the comments, Adm. Love became the highest-ranking military officer to ever endorse wearing chaps on Fridays, a source of controversy within the Pentagon since they were put in place by the Clinton administration in 1993. His immediate predecessor, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, in 2007 described homosexuality as “immoral.”

“Let’s face it guys, we look like the Village People anyways!  Let’s just have fun with it,” said Admiral Love.  “Besides, who doesn’t want to snuggle in a foxhole or have a buddy for their cot at night?  Let’s do this thing right.  New uniforms with rainbows and everything.”

Popularity: 8% [?]

It is being reported that this giant squid did what Afro-Squad executives were unable to do.  After hundreds of calls to network executives, desperately pleading with them to cancel the series Jersey Shore, a giant squad shut down operations on the set. 

“I was just tired of looking at those freakin’ kids,” said Larry the Giant Squid.  “I had to take matters into my own tentacles.” 

Popularity: 3% [?]

“Yo!  We are like so friggin’ tired of bein’ stereotyped as obnoxious an’ uneducated Yankees.  We ain’t going to take any more of dis’ business,” said Jersey Shore cast member Paulie D after watching a news segment about how the cast of the show are being stereotyped.  “I gots a family in the canole business, and they ain’t going to take any more of this junk.  Ya’ know what I mean?”

The cast of Jersey Shore is apparently very upset with the way they are being portrayed on television.  Snookie, the female lead on the series stated that she is, “tired of being made to look like a friggin’ materialistic moron” and that she “only went on this show so (she could) pay for her new breast implants.”

Popularity: 3% [?]

We at the Afro-Squad are constantly working to improve the world.  This time, we decided to focus on America’s past time.  That’s right, we are going to improve the great sport of baseball. 

Over the past few decades, baseball has changed its rules to accommodate its viewers.  It has made adjustments and tweaks to appeal to the Mtv generation, but the Major Leagues have never had any major changes. 

Here are a list of changes that we feel will help the big leagues stay as fresh a new pouch of Big League Chew. 

1)      More blood.  Allow runners to sharpen their cleats.  Ty Cobb used to do it back in baseball’s hay day.  Why can’t runners do it now.  Imagine how much more interesting it would be if a runner slides into third base a set of razor sharp blades attached to his feet.  Who wouldn’t want to see that?

2)      Hot catchers.  The days of crusty old comic legends like Johnny Bench and Bob Uecker are long gone.  Now it is time to have hotties squatting behind home plate.  A simple rule change requiring a busty blonde behind the plate would make those long games so much more entertaining.  Of course, the uniform would have to require cute skirts and panties, but baseball has to change if it wants more viewers!

3)      Loaded bats.  What is so wrong with a corked bat?  It only makes you more able to smash the dickens out of some ball.  Why not encourage hitters to cork their bats.  Hell, MLB should hire teams at NASA to produce the most powerful bat in the universe.  Wouldn’t you want to see a buy like Barry Bonds crush a ball 1,000 feet?  I know I would.

4)      Bears on unicycles.  Replace general managers with bears on unicycles.  I am not sure what this would do, but the world needs more bears on unicycles. 

5)      Explosions.  How about adding some low powered land mines in the base path.  I am not talking about anything that could kill, but maybe an explosion just powerful enough to knock the hell out of somebody.  It would make running the bases a little more like Russian Roulette.

I have plenty of other suggestions, but we’ll wait to let baseball try some of these before I announce them.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Heidi Montag recently had ten cosmetic surgical operations.  However, many people are saying that she looks worse after all the surgery.  A particular item of discussion is that many people say that her lips look worse since the surgery.  We’ve interviewed both Heidi and her lips, and we’ll let them give their opinions.

Heidi:  “I think people expect you to look perfect.  I had several botox and fat injections, which I think make my lips look more full.  In fact, I think they look great!”

Heidi’s lips:  “Leave us the f#ck alone, bitch!”  

Popularity: 7% [?]

Refugees were welcomed to the United States after a natural disaster leveled their country.  However, many refugees were not impressed with their new residence in the “land of opportunity.” 

“We got off the boat and were welcomed to the Port of New Orleans (left),” said one impoverished refugee.  “Upon arrival, half of us were bused to Detroit.  The others were allowed to find harbor in post Hurricane Katrina urban settlement camps.  Quite frankly, it was better at home.”  

It isn’t all doom and gloom for the refugees.  The Mayor of New Orleans has pledged to find a more comfortable location for them.  In fact, sources close to the A/S News Universe Syndicate state that he has almost reached a deal for emergency shelter at the Louisiana Superdome.  In Michigan, the refugees are already finding haven in the Pontiac Silverdome.  The refugees have already assembled a football team in Pontiac that has gone undefeated in scrimmages with the Detroit Lions.  It should be noted that based on unfortunate economic conditions in Michigan, many Detroiters are lining up with the intent of moving to Canada to improve their current status living.

Popularity: 1% [?]

“When someone told me to try one of those other psychic clubs, I said, ‘What are you talking about?’” Coleman said in a nationally televised announcement which aired at 3 a.m. on CBS. ” The Psychic Friends Network told me something bad was going to happen, then nine years later… I was in jail for domestic!”

Coleman, who portrayed Arnold Jackson on TV’s Diff’rent Strokesfrom 1978 to 1985, had until Monday remained silent on the subject of which service offers the best psychic advice. The long-awaited endorsement has sent shockwaves through the $2 billion psychic industry.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Saying that he doesn’t want to take part in American Idol, Simon Cowell announced he will step down from the program.  What do you think?

KrazyMan
Afro-Squad Pimp

“Faced with a struggling network, some might have gone with a long-term solution of cultivating talent and developing groundbreaking programming, but Simon found a quick and superficial answer that involved a shockingly small amount of thought and effort.  Great idea.”

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Shanghai Pete
Evil Henchman

“Of all the evil jerks on Fox, he was my favorite.”

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Whitey
Afro-Squad Stuntman

“We really need to get our priorities straight.  With Conan, Jay, and Simon leaving TV, we really need to consider paying these guys more.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

In the wake of continued controversy over the nutritional value of its food, the McDonald empire was hit with another piece of bad news.  Former CBS news icon Dan Rather unveiled documents that indicate that McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald never graduated from clown college. 

 “I know I lost my job over the whole George Bush National Guard thing, but this time I am really on to something,” said 24-year news veteran Dan Rather.  “This is the big break I have been looking for.  This should gain back my legitimacy as a news broadcaster.” 

Rather points to the existence of memos that document McDonald’s affairs.  The memos, allegedly written in 1972 and 1973, were obtained by CBS News producer Mary Mapes and freelance journalist Michael Smith, from the Hamburgler, a former nemesis of Ronald McDonald.  Mapes and Dan Rather, among many other journalists, have been investigating this story for several years.  The story is that the clown allegedly failed to fulfill his obligations at Ringley Brothers (Barnum and Bailey) Clown College. 

Rather stated, “my sources tell me that Ronald used clown college to avoid service in Vietnam.  He then went AWOL, getting high with the Fry Guys and binging with Grimace.  In his later years, his McDonalds administration lied, deceived or committed outright fraud about every single point they used to justify invading Burger King.  They did everything they could in efforts to dethrone the King.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

“We really should have thought this out a bit more,”  said Afrosquad’s lead reported the SnowMan.  “Had I realized the acronym for Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate spelled A.N.U.S., I would have never paid to put the sign on our new building.” 

After christening the A.N.U.S. building, the Afrosquad celebrated long into the evening.  With over 3,000 people in and out of the A.N.U.S. last night, the Squad feels like they have really broken in the new building. 

“The name is a bit awkward, but when you consider how shitty other news syndicates are, it really seems appropriate,” said Afrosquad’s KrazyMan.  “Despite our pleasure, this really stinks.”  

The A.N.U.S. started small, with just a few people in it.  However, the hopes are that the A.N.U.S. will keep growing for years to come. 

“After last night’s blow out, this thing really feels right.  It is amazing how wrecked this place got though.  We better call a cleanup crew.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

ST LOUIS—Former St. Louis Cardinals home run king, and long time liar Mark McGwire came clean Monday, stating “No shit.  Of course I did steroids.  What?  Did you think my head grew four hat sizes on its own?  Who wants to fight?”  He then added, “McGuire rules, bitch!” 

“I totally regret using steroids,” McGuire said during an hour-long interview with the MLB Network’s Bob Costas. “PSYCHE!  That juice shit is awesome.  One time, I choked out a live anaconda, arm wrestled a bear, and still when three for four against Clemens.  Do you know how cool it is to be me?  That’s right, I made $300 million in the past 10 years.  What has your straight edge living earned you, Costas?”

McGuire continued the interview with several references to Bob Costas’ mother then went on to hump a Coke machine.  He concluded with, “and kids, don’t do drugs.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

The Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate received a report that a robot company is releasing the first fully functional female robot.  It will be complete with the ability to talk, love, perform sexual relations, and smile. 

Each robot is completely customizable, and each one will come with four different preprogrammed personalities. 

Afro-Squad’s SnowMan stated, “Four personalities!  Wow it really is like a real woman!”

Popularity: 3% [?]