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5 Awful Things Nobody Tells You about Being an Actor

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 31 - 2012

Dear Struggling Actors,

The market for fame is saturated. You can all go home. Sorry for getting your hopes up like that. The truth is, you have a better chance of being hit by a satellite than by fame. And just so we’re all on the same page, fame is exactly the point of all this. Any ambition to act for the sake of artistic satisfaction was run down and sucked into the wheel wells under the sports car of fame long ago, because fame makes more money and it’s just cooler.

“We just wanted to stop for a minute and say, ‘You’re welcome.’”

Now most of you probably don’t believe me, and that’s fine. You’ve heard that the odds of success are slim, but you’re different from all those other people, you have been singled out by providence for this. Parents, teachers and community theater directors have told you your entire life that you are gifted — that you are born to make emotions with your face under camera and stage lights, a face that was too optimistic or too young to devastate with brutal honesty. Well, I can’t see your faces, and I have some bad news.

Here are five good reasons your career path will make you absolutely miserable.

#5. You Aren’t Building a Real Skill Set

When your dream is to be an actor, you don’t have the luxury of simultaneously perusing a fallback dream. That’s why you’ll never see a struggling actor holding down a full-time job as a marine biologist. Acting is a jealous and needy career that doesn’t like the thought of you keeping your options open. You’ll need a job that allows you to leave at a moment’s notice for auditions, usually for two or three hours at a time. Or, assuming you are fortunate enough to be cast in anything, you need a job that allows you to miss work for a week at the very least. The logical solution is to work at night at a restaurant or bar. The trouble, however, is that most of these jobs were never intended to be careers. They have high turnover rates and offer little in terms of personal satisfaction.

And that will all seem fine at first — great, even — for building that romantic sense of humility you intend to wear once you’re famous. Taking orders from customers and folding napkin fans in wine glasses is just part of the struggle that you will remember fondly while masturbating poolside to your own biography.

“Ooh yeah. Keep toiling, right there.”

That is, until your friends outside of the entertainment industry start developing actual skill sets that lead to raises, promotions and the general advancement of their careers. Everyone who entered the work force along with you will gradually move into better jobs because they’ve built up experience and because that’s how nearly every other profession is designed to function. Meanwhile, there’s no guarantee that you will book a role, ever. All the experience you’ll be racking up will just be preparing you for a life in the service industry. Sure, you will still be honing your skills as an actor through classes and auditions, but until your acting resume includes more than school plays and student films, it won’t help you get a job, because …

#4. Most Roles Have Nothing to Do With Acting

Here is an innocuous commercial for Listerine:

There are three people featured for about four seconds apiece in that commercial. Each one of them is an actor who had to audition for that role. That may not sound like much, but take a minute to consider exactly what that entails:

All three of them, without a doubt, started with dreams of being respected actors. They likely struggled for weeks if not months to find an agent, and paid upwards of $500 to have headshots taken and printed. Then they drove to an audition in the middle of a workweek and waited in a waiting room for an hour with 20 to 30 other people who looked exactly like them before being wrangled into a small room four or five at a time to say their names and, finally, to swish. They stood there for a few seconds pretending to swish mouthwash around their mouths. That’s it. That’s 80 percent of all the auditions you will go to. Now consider the hundreds of people who also auditioned and didn’t get that part. All of that energy, time and money amounted to 10 seconds of moving their cheeks around for a casting director who had already seen scores of other eager young actors do the exact same thing.

“Yeah, I get it. You’re doing like a crazy thing. Really nice work, there.”

Those three actors weren’t hired for that commercial based on their acting ability or really anything that they could control. They were hired because they had a look that a Listerine ad sales department thought might sell more bottles, so the purpose of all those auditions was only to be sure that everyone actually looked like their headshots and that they were capable of ballooning their cheeks. But surely that’s just a commercial, right? Actors also audition for meaty roles in movies and television, acting must be the deciding factor there. Well actually, no.

#3. You Will Never Be Considered for Roles That Require Acting

Any struggling actors who have never had a significant role before are not members of the Screen Actors Guild. SAG was designed as a union to ensure that actors were paid fair wages for their work. Nearly every movie and television show has to operate within the guidelines of SAG, which means that they can only hire SAG actors or else they have to pay a hefty fine to cast someone outside the union. Naturally, studios will cast SAG members over nonmembers every time. So how do you become a member? Well, that’s where things get completely absurd.

The rules of SAG state, “Performers are eligible to join Screen Actors Guild after working on a SAG film in a principal role.” So just to clarify, no one will cast you unless you are already in the union, and you can’t get into the union until you are cast. A director has to like you so much that he or she is willing to trust you with a primary role despite the fact that you have no previous experience in film and be willing to pay a fine just to have you in that role. Now remember before when I mentioned that there are hundreds of other people who look exactly like you auditioning? At least 50 of them will already have their SAG cards.

“Good luck!”

That still leaves you with non-SAG or Ultra-Low Budget SAG productions. The only trouble there is …

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Satire

12 Disturbingly Weird Body Shapes

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 30 - 2012

Published on Today 1/30/2012
under Strange People
– by Gracie Murano
- 51,247 views

She got dem apple bottom jeans.
(Link)

There’s no fruit to describe this shape.
(Link)

(Link)

At first look it may seem like Miss Jung’s waist has been Photoshopped or she’s seriously addicted to wearing Spanx but nope, that’s Cathie Jung’s tiny waist which measures a slight 15in (38cm), making her figure distinctly hourglass.
(Link)

When a Miami woman wanted to have a rumpshaker similar to JLO’S, she thought she was going to a reputable doctor. Turns out, this dude wasn’t a doctor at all. In fact, he was a drifter con-man, who injected countless ‘pacients’ with concrete, tire sealant, some sort of weird oils and more.

Note: the photo above is from the supposed doctor. Shouldn’t that have rung a couple of bells?

Adult model Christina Model.

A little too much workout.

In 1999, the Guinness World Records declared Norma Stitz as having the Biggest Natural Breasts in the world and also the owner of the largest bra. Her measurements at the time were 70-48-52″. Her bra size was 48V. Each breast weighed 28 pounds and she weighed 270. Since then her breasts have grown to 72ZZZ and she tops the scale at 345 pounds.
(Link)

Note: Thanks for our reader to point out that this photo by the German photographer Ivonne Thein was photoshopped as part of one of her projects. She photographs normal sized models, and then alters the photo to look like someone skinnier. It’s from her project “32kilo.”
(Link)

(Link)

Tweet tweet SPLAT :S
by SonyPrime on Today 1/30/2012
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Satire

5 Most Satisfying Tales of Payback

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 30 - 2012

Revenge is a tricky thing. On the one hand, when you’ve been wronged, it’s human nature to seek some kind of personal restitution. On the other hand, it’s also human nature to not want to appear to be a scorned maniac who pees in coffee pots and slashes tires every time a fast food restaurant screws up your order. It’s a fine line.

Still, sometimes people go so far above and beyond for their acts of petty revenge that you can’t help but stand back and admire it …

#5. A Family Forecloses a Bank for Trying to Foreclose Them

In most cases, it should come as no surprise when a foreclosure notice shows up in your mailbox (or gets nail-gunned to your front door by a sheriff’s deputy like in the movies). After all, it doesn’t happen unless you’ve gone months (or years) without paying your mortgage. It’s the kind of thing a person should see coming.

Getty
Probably unrelated to the “Urgent” letters propping up the living room table.

But this wasn’t the case for the Nyerges family — their foreclosure notice from Bank of America came as a total shock. Why? Because they paid for their house in cash. That’s the type of act that normally keeps a family safe from the foreclosure monster. But Bank of America wasn’t going to let the fact that the Nyerges home was paid off keep them from taking the matter to court and attempting to foreclose on it anyway.

Naturally, their ridiculous claim was thrown right the hell out. In fact, Bank of America was ordered to pay the Nyergeses $2,534 to cover the legal fees that went into making sure their home wasn’t literally stolen from them.

News Press
This isn’t a screengrab from a blurry video — the bank is just shrouded by a fog of evil.

But after five months of trying, the Nyerges family was still unable to get that $2,534 out of Bank of America. What happened next will almost certainly be a Hollywood movie someday.

The Petty Revenge:

Remember what we said about seeing a foreclosure coming? It probably doesn’t apply here. Basically, Bank of America’s refusal to pay up paved the way for the Nyergeses to pull a stunt so damn beautiful it makes our fingers cry just typing it … they turned the tables and foreclosed on Bank of America.

News Press
“As soon as I get inside I’m drawing dicks on everything.”

After contacting their lawyer to handle all of the legalities involved, the Nyergeses found themselves standing at a local Bank of America branch, watching as movers and sheriff’s deputies removed everything. According to the court, the Nyerges family now owned all of it, right down to the money in the tellers’ drawers.

How was this possible? Well, keep in mind, the $2,534 wasn’t some refund BoA owed the Nyergeses — it was a freaking court-ordered payment. And judges don’t like it when you just blow that shit off.

Something about the prospect of falling victim to a court-mandated bank robbery got Bank of America on board with the idea of paying the Nyergeses the relatively meager sum they were owed in the first place. After an hour of being locked out of his bank, the manager handed the Nyergeses their check.

News Press
Moving vans are a powerful motivator.

And that was the only time a bank ever tried something so stupid.

Ha! Just joking. They tried the exact same thing with someone else and the results were exactly the same, except for the part where a guy shows up to a televised interview dressed like a vampire to gloat about sticking it to the man.

Fox Friends via YouTube

Banks hate vampires.

#4. Jane White Gives Jehovah’s Witnesses a Taste of Their Own Medicine

There likely isn’t a person over the age of 18 reading this who hasn’t had at least one run-in with a roving pack of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They tend to show up at your door, unannounced, at some inconvenient time. So most people regard the encounters as an annoyance (the lone exception being if Prince happens to be the JW knocking at the door, and even then he better have a guitar in hand).

“Watch Tower? Everybody covers that song.”

You can’t blame them for showing up just once, of course — how do they know you’re not into it? But you can imagine how annoyed a person would be if it happened every single month. That’s what East Sussex resident Jane White had to put up with … for 12 damned years.

Every month, like clockwork, a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses would rap on Jane White’s door offering up religious reading material and the assurance that, if she so desired, they would bore the shit out of her for hours on end with talk about getting to heaven by way of not having lifesaving surgery because blood transfusions are the devil.

Steelman, Wiki Commons
“Have you heard the good news about dying horribly from easily treated illnesses?”

The Petty Revenge:

Having decided she had turned the other cheek to unwanted drop-ins far more times than any person should have to, Jane White worked up a plan to give those intrusive Jehovah’s Witnesses a taste of their own medicine.

After gathering up all the religious material she possibly could, White showed up at a Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall at 10 a.m. The time was important — she knew the group would be at the height of their service, and Jane White had designs on interrupting that shit, just like she’d been interrupted so many times before.

Getty
“I don’t want to criticize the guest preacher, but I remember the Bible having much fewer (CENSORED)words.”

After banging on the door for a few minutes, she was let in by a confused church member who, along with every other worshiper in the place, was then subjected to Jane White’s special brand of justice. For the next 30 minutes, she preached to the assembled JW’s about her religion while handing out magazines. It was exactly like an unwanted visit from a Jehovah’s Witness, except for the part where someone called the police and Jane White was escorted out of the building.

But it was no matter by then, because Jane White had her revenge. She was never bothered again, and we’re assuming those pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses moved on to newer, less vengeful potential converts. They’re probably at your door right now.

Getty
It never hurts to hope.

#3. South Korea Blasts K-Pop Music at the North

Some neighbors just can’t manage to get along. Take North Korea and South Korea, for example. In 2010, the ROKS Cheonan, a South Korean navy vessel, was sunk by a North Korean submarine. This was following a previous naval battle in 2009, where South Korea damaged a North Korean navy ship. And then after the Cheonan sank, North Korea thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and launch an artillery attack against the South, killing four people. And this was right after North Korea borrowed South Korea’s snow blower and couldn’t even be bothered to return it.

General MacArthur, overseeing Operation Flaming Poo on Kim Il Sung’s Doorstep.

OK, that last thing didn’t happen, but the two foes did have a brief gun battle across the DMZ to add to the neighborly discord. Like we said, they don’t get along, and most of the problem lies with the unpredictable antics of the North. After decades of putting up with Northern shenanigans, South Korea finally had enough and decided to seek some of the most bizarre revenge imaginable.

The Petty Revenge:

In June of 2010, South Korean soldiers marched out into the DMZ determined to send a message back into the North. Armed to the teeth, they quickly set up their weapons. Their primary armament being … a giant-ass set of speakers?

Hydra Magazine
Available wherever fine military grade stereo equipment is sold.

The North Korean guards were most likely already perplexed by this weird action, and that almost certainly got worse when the speakers were turned on and waves of sweet, sweet girly K-pop music began blasting loudly across the border. The song that kicked it off was called “HuH” and was specifically chosen for its lyrics, which include rabble-rousing lines like “Baby, you’re kidding me? I do what I want and I do it my way.”

Naturally, North Korea sent back their stock response of “Take those things down or we will destroy them,” before also adding, “We’ll (CENSORED)ing kill you, too.” The South didn’t take the threat seriously. We’re not sure if that was because of or in spite of the fact that this adorable little fella was running the North Korea show at the time …

Getty
It’s like a troll doll somehow gained access to nuclear weapons.

Incredibly, this isn’t the first time that this has happened, either. Until 2004, blasting girly K-pop music into the North was a pretty regular occurrence, mainly because the North also had a habit of blasting propaganda across the border, but an agreement stopped this. That is, until North Korea took it too far with their aggressive actions.

Now, in addition to the speakers, South Korea is building giant TV screens to show the music videos that go along with the ridiculous pop songs North Korea has likely grown to secretly love after all these years.

Girl’s Generation, via YouTube

Although we’re not sure how this makes things worse.

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Satire

TV Listings: Screwballs

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 30 - 2012

ABC Family

7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide’s strict programming guidelines, including a three-second pillow fight and almost dropping a birthday cake.

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/j3OmXfNkYFY/

Satire

Worst Search Party Ever

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 29 - 2012

By:
Missing Earl

| 45 Comments

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/j6-EVjSlGjk/video_18376_worst-search-party-ever.html

Satire

15 Weirdest Public Phone Booths

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 28 - 2012

Published on Today 1/28/2012
under Cool Places
– by Nora Vega

Russia turned random phone booths into sharks – created by artist Renald from Petrozavodsk.
(Link)

Swedish phone booth from around 100 years ago. How did they ever go out of style?
(Link)

Knitted London telephone booth by Deadly.
(Link)

Real ice phone booth!
(Link)

Creative Japanese phone booth.
(Link)

Ingenious mobile phone booth was found in Uganda.
(Link)

Cute Hello Kitty Phone Booth. The white kitty, the red hair bow, even the girl standing under it, everything is irresistibly adorable.
(Link)

Italy is a place full of arts and also includes this cool phone booth.
(Link)

Antique wood phone booth. Doctor Who wishes he had had something this cool looking.
(Photo)

Cool phone booths in Salvador, Brazil.
(Photo)

Located in Porto Galinhas (Chicken Port) town in Brazil, this phone booth resembles a chicken.
(Link)

Funny phone booth in Jeju, Korea.
(Link)

An effigy of a golden lion tamarin as a public telephone booth in a Brazilian municipality.
(Link)

Phone booths still dot Toronto’s urban landscape; relics from a time when a “text” was a book and a “mobile phone” meant one with a really long cord.
(Link)

Funny Homer Simpson phone booth.
(Link)

Shell Phone Booths
by Anonymous on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Shell Phone Booths in Cabo Frio, Brazil
(Source)Eco – cabinas
by r0dr0 on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Eco-cabinas de Cotas, Santa Cruz – BoliviaDutch shoe booth
by elizabeth on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
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Satire

15 Weirdest Public Phone Booths

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 28 - 2012

Published on Today 1/28/2012
under Cool Places
– by Nora Vega

Russia turned random phone booths into sharks – created by artist Renald from Petrozavodsk.
(Link)

Swedish phone booth from around 100 years ago. How did they ever go out of style?
(Link)

Knitted London telephone booth by Deadly.
(Link)

Real ice phone booth!
(Link)

Creative Japanese phone booth.
(Link)

Ingenious mobile phone booth was found in Uganda.
(Link)

Cute Hello Kitty Phone Booth. The white kitty, the red hair bow, even the girl standing under it, everything is irresistibly adorable.
(Link)

Italy is a place full of arts and also includes this cool phone booth.
(Link)

Antique wood phone booth. Doctor Who wishes he had had something this cool looking.
(Photo)

Cool phone booths in Salvador, Brazil.
(Photo)

Located in Porto Galinhas (Chicken Port) town in Brazil, this phone booth resembles a chicken.
(Link)

Funny phone booth in Jeju, Korea.
(Link)

An effigy of a golden lion tamarin as a public telephone booth in a Brazilian municipality.
(Link)

Phone booths still dot Toronto’s urban landscape; relics from a time when a “text” was a book and a “mobile phone” meant one with a really long cord.
(Link)

Funny Homer Simpson phone booth.
(Link)

Shell Phone Booths
by Anonymous on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Shell Phone Booths in Cabo Frio, Brazil
(Source)Eco – cabinas
by r0dr0 on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Eco-cabinas de Cotas, Santa Cruz – BoliviaDutch shoe booth
by elizabeth on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
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provided by: and
The Truest Super Mario Bros. GIF Ever

The Real Reason People Argue Online

7 Examples Of Lego Miniature Realism

Topless Protest Broken Up At Davos Forum

WATCH: National Kazoo Day Is Jan. 28

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Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_98054.aspx

Satire

15 Weirdest Public Phone Booths

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 28 - 2012

Published on Today 1/28/2012
under Cool Places
– by Nora Vega

Russia turned random phone booths into sharks – created by artist Renald from Petrozavodsk.
(Link)

Swedish phone booth from around 100 years ago. How did they ever go out of style?
(Link)

Knitted London telephone booth by Deadly.
(Link)

Real ice phone booth!
(Link)

Creative Japanese phone booth.
(Link)

Ingenious mobile phone booth was found in Uganda.
(Link)

Cute Hello Kitty Phone Booth. The white kitty, the red hair bow, even the girl standing under it, everything is irresistibly adorable.
(Link)

Italy is a place full of arts and also includes this cool phone booth.
(Link)

Antique wood phone booth. Doctor Who wishes he had had something this cool looking.
(Photo)

Cool phone booths in Salvador, Brazil.
(Photo)

Located in Porto Galinhas (Chicken Port) town in Brazil, this phone booth resembles a chicken.
(Link)

Funny phone booth in Jeju, Korea.
(Link)

An effigy of a golden lion tamarin as a public telephone booth in a Brazilian municipality.
(Link)

Phone booths still dot Toronto’s urban landscape; relics from a time when a “text” was a book and a “mobile phone” meant one with a really long cord.
(Link)

Funny Homer Simpson phone booth.
(Link)

Shell Phone Booths
by Anonymous on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Shell Phone Booths in Cabo Frio, Brazil
(Source)Eco – cabinas
by r0dr0 on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
Eco-cabinas de Cotas, Santa Cruz – BoliviaDutch shoe booth
by elizabeth on Today 1/28/2012
0 votes
See More Contributions…
Have a great addition to the article? Contribute!

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Factual

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provided by: and
The Truest Super Mario Bros. GIF Ever

The Real Reason People Argue Online

7 Examples Of Lego Miniature Realism

Topless Protest Broken Up At Davos Forum

WATCH: National Kazoo Day Is Jan. 28

Investigators Dig Into Iowa Lottery Mystery

If you enjoyed this article, you might also like…
10 Craziest Ice Cream Trucks

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_98054.aspx

Satire

5 Reasons It€™s Impossible to Find Funny Books

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 28 - 2012

I like funny things. I work with a bunch of funny people all day. Everyone in my family tells jokes. I like watching funny movies and TV shows and listening to funny podcasts. I’m very, very simple.

I also like funny books. Not books about comedy, or memoirs by funny people — I like funny novels. Funny stories with funny characters and good dialogue. I want books that are as funny as Ghostbusters or The Simpsons.

That’s why it’s so frustrating that, unlike movies and shows, it’s almost impossible in this world to find funny damned novels. If you’ve ever spent time in a library or bookstore looking for a reliably hilarious novel, you already know what’s annoying about it.

#5. The “Humor” Section at Every Bookstore Is Terrible

Photos.com

Have you ever been to the humor section at a Barnes Noble? It’s a freaking nightmare. Sure, some books that end up in it might be pretty funny (and one book found in the humor section in particular is not only the funniest book ever written, but also remarkably affordable), but for the most part, you’ll find old comic book anthologies, books full of funny party jokes that are, without exception, horrendous and small coffee table books that started out as Internet blogs/memes.

You might find some (terrible) books that try to teach you how to be funny, but you certainly won’t find any funny novels there. You’ll find musings from Larry the Cable Guy and pictures of cats making stupid faces (these, in fact, might be the same book), but nothing that would make you say, “Hey, wow, this is like Wet Hot American Summer, but in book form!”

That’s because they don’t put novels in the humor section. Even if they’re hilarious, they stick them with every other novel. And if you’re digging through just the general fiction section, you’ll have a hard time finding funny books, because …

#4. “Funny” Is Slapped on the Jacket of Almost Every Novel Ever Written

No novel ever written is completely devoid of jokes, so, as a result, the description on the back or inside cover of almost every novel says something like “At equal times heartbreaking, intense and totally funny, this book is a must-read” or “Exhilarating and sexy, with a great sense of humor!” Go into a bookstore and pick up any novel, and I guarantee you one out of every three will have either “surprisingly hilarious” or “flat out funny!” slapped on there. The government should honestly be able to step in and legislate the number of times publishing houses can advertise their books as “funny.” The back of my copy of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections says “surprisingly funny,” and I guess there are a few funny lines, but at the end of the day, it’s a book about Parkinson’s disease and an entire family that suffers from depression.

Amazon.com

I don’t know what the criteria is for getting “funny” slapped onto the back of a book, but I have to assume it’s “having a number of different words,” because that’s the only thing that The Great Gatsby (heartbreaking and brutal) has in common with Christopher Moore’s Lamb (almost impossibly hilarious), both of which have the word “funny” printed on the back cover.

Almost every truly funny book that I’ve found was discovered by accident. I’ll go to a bookstore and pick something out either because of its cover (this is a good thing to do, children) or because the description on the back sounds like it might be funny. Since every description tries to make every novel sound funny, it’s a total crapshoot. For every time I blindly stumbled into a Lamb or a Tricky Business or a John Dies at the End (now a major motion picture that just debuted at the Sundance film festival!), there were plenty of times where I ended up with a bunch of novels that were terrible that I won’t mention by name because that would be rude (except for About the Author, which was so terrible that I’m still mad that I read it six years ago).

Amazon.com
Give me back the money that I didn’t spend on this because I got it from the library, you stupid jerk!

Publishing houses don’t know what funny books are, so we’re forced to look out for authors on whom we can rely. Which is always tough, because …

#3. Comedians/Comedy Writers Would Rather Write Memoirs and Essays

Amazon.com

Tina Fey, one of the best writers to ever come out of Saturday Night Live, Paul Feig, creator of Freaks and Geeks, The Office’s Mindy Kaling, Michael Ian Black and Patton Oswalt are all very funny, and they’ve all written memoirs or books of essays. And that’s fine, because those books are great, but, again, if you’re looking for a Simpsons episode in book form, you won’t find it (except, perhaps, for that one written by a Simpsons writer, which is actually very good).

There are a few exceptions. Steve Martin writes novels and Hugh Laurie wrote The Gun Seller, one of the coolest and funniest books I’ve ever read, but for the most part, you’re left wandering around bookstores, hoping that this random book that has “funny” in the description actually means it, because at any given time, the No. 1 book on Amazon in the category of humor is probably just a bunch of stories about Chelsea Handler (CENSORED)ing.

Amazon.com

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Satire

The 5 Most Ruined Orgasms in Cinema History

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 27 - 2012

Every generation claims to have suffered more than those that follow. “Oh, in my day, we had to walk three miles to school; we fought in a war; we died of dysentery drinking well water that hadn’t been boiled sufficiently.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

But I do want to impart one completely legitimate gripe to our younger readers: do you know how much harder it was for junior high school kids to find spanking fodder before the Internet? Seriously. Shoplifting Playboy, buying black market VHS (CENSORED)s copied from some dude’s older brother, and engaging in herculean leaps of imagination to animate J.C. Penney catalog underwear models. Occasionally, however, Hollywood would release an R-rated movie you could get on VHS, tape off cable or carefully commit to the spank bank for later use. Movies like The Big Easy, 9 1/2 Weeks and Body Heat were a horny boy’s very best friend.

Unfortunately, because mainstream media is not (CENSORED)ography, many of these TA films had to combine some of their hottest scenes with dramatic or comedic content that may have furthered the purposes of the film but absolutely destroyed its orgasm-producing potential.

Here are five of the biggest ruined orgasm moments in modern (pre-Internet) film.

#5. Private School

In 1983, Hollywood released an incredibly awful movie about a bunch of horny boys thinking about breasts and how they could see some breasts and touch breasts and then do something with their penises. I think that was the plot of Private School. Not sure. I do know Phoebe Cates was in it, and that was a great start. After all, Phoebe was kind enough to teach me how to use my penis at 13 with her Fast Times at Ridgemont High performance.

Thanks, Phoebe!

But catching young Gladstone’s eye even more than Phoebe was bad rich girl Betsy Russell.

True or false: in the first few months of puberty, this image was semipermanently freeze-framed on my basement TV. (False. Our TV was in the den.)

The Sexy Bait: Betsy Russell Striptease

And wouldn’t you know it, Ms. Russell gets kinda naked and sexy in an attempt to seduce Matthew Modine. So what’s the problem?

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sweaty Matthew Modine in Drag

The problem (masturbatorily speaking) is that this is a scene where Modine pretends to be a woman to get into the girl’s dorm, so each shot of Russell and her vanishing underwear is chopped up with a shot of a clammy Modine in drag. (BTW, Clammy Modine would make an awesome college band name. Get on that, kids!)

Some of you might be thinking, “Just ignore Modine!” While that may have been easy for Hollywood to do from 1987 onward, it’s a lot harder for a kid. Something to remember about 13-year-old boys: they’re stupid. Like really incredibly stupid. And somewhere in the back of their minds they believe that if they’re engaging in an act of self-love and somehow reach climax at the exact moment the camera switches to a dude — especially a dude in drag — they’ll turn gay forever.

#4. Basic Instinct

Everyone remembers the seminal scene from Basic Instinct: Sharon Stone at the peak of her hotness flashing her clammy modine at Michael Douglas.

And yeah, that’s pretty great. But not even 13-year-old boys reach climax that quickly, and no one’s hoping for just one still picture. We wanted to see sexy ladies not wearing clothes and, y’know, moving around all sexy-like. And the good news is Basic Instinct had lots and lots of sex.

The Sexy Bait: Sharon Stone Sleeps With Everyone

Stone’s character is a dynamite-looking, promiscuous, bisexual lady, so my friends and I headed to the theater (place you used to watch movies that wasn’t your phone) expecting to see one hot escapade after another. What we got, however, was this:

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sharon Stone Brutally Murders People With an Ice Pick

I don’t have a great clip, but check out the beginning of this trailer. Much like the second entry on this list, this movie thoroughly enjoys mixing sex and violence. Accordingly, the opening scene features hotness and an ice pick. A really, really, really nasty way to go, and so traumatic that I remember not being able to get into any of the sexiness that followed. It was like my junk had developed a Pavlovian fear response to Sharon Stone. It would take another 10 years for the rest of my body to follow suit.

#3. Blue Velvet

Back in junior high school, when most little boys were pining away for Heather Locklear or Elle Macpherson or Madonna, I was focused on a classier pursuit: Isabella Rossellini. And when I say pursuit, I mean using telepathic mind control to get Ms. Rossellini to pick me up at my parents’ house and drive me away in her sex limo.

catherinerobinsoncashmere.com
Still waiting, Ms. Rossellini.

Needless to say, when I found out that there was movie I could rent called Blue Velvet in which she played a sexy lounge singer and got naked a lot, I was pretty excited.

The Sexy Bait: One of the Most Beautiful Actresses Ever, Naked

In some ways, Blue Velvet delivers. After all, Rossellini does lose her clothes a bit and often wears little more than a kimono. She also sings in a sultry cabaret voice. And no matter what, Isabella Rossellini always conveys the most attractive combination of grace, intelligence and sexuality.

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Dennis Hopper and David Lynch’s Circus Sexuality

The bad news for your penis, however, is that Blue Velvet was directed by David Lynch, and it has become increasingly clear during Lynch’s long career that he apparently lost his virginity after dropping acid at a carnival as part of a snake boy/bearded lady sandwich. Sex is not so sexy in David Lynch’s world.

First off, through the glory of hair and makeup, he turns Isabella Rossellini into Rocky Horror Tim Curry.

I will get you for this, Mr. Lynch.

And then there’s the bigger problem of Rossellini’s sex happening at the hands of a drug-addicted, unhinged criminal with mommy issues.

The only thing from the ’80s to kill more erections than Dennis Hopper’s performance was Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life.

thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com
Serves you right for dropping trou to Tootie!

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Satire

12 Hilarious Background Fails

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 26 - 2012

Published on Today 1/26/2012
under Misc
– by Gracie Murano
- 27,528 views

Diego Forlan is one of the most tech-savvy footballers around. During the last World Cup he famously filmed Uruguay’s mammoth BBQ sessions as well as plenty of footage from inside the camp as they reached the semi-final. So, it came as no surprise that Forlan had uploaded a video within minutes of Uruguay’s Copa America final victory over Paraguay.
Except it came down almost as quickly since it featured some x-rated content – defender Martin Caceres standing butt-naked behind Forlan holding the Copa America trophy. Whilst many will find Sebastien “El Loco” Abreu’s tiny blue pants offensive, the footage of Caceres texting on his phone wearing just a pair of sandals is x-rated and undoubtedly caused Forlan to remove the video from YouTube.

(Link)

While Channel 7 was doing a live news report, a worker was caught in the background looking at (CENSORED).
(Link)

Too thirsty to be sexy.
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(Link)

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The cutest photo can be ruined by a collegiate duct-taped boy.
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()

I hate my sister too.
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Another parenting fail.
(Link)

This photo is a classic. My question is: why do people keep trying to be sexy in the bathroom?

I think we have a winner.
(Link)

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29 Video Game Characters That Would Be Horrifying in Reality

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 26 - 2012

Video games do a pretty good job of avoiding the uncanniest corners of the uncanny valley. But if you spend enough time in one, you can’t help but wonder how the characters you encounter there would translate to the real world. We asked you to show us some that would not travel well. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#29.

by ImminentNick

#28.

by Broseidon

#27.

by Scarin

#26.

by Lunachick71

#25.

by micusficus

#24.

by MinorShan

#23.

by MinorShan

#22.

by Roland223

#21.

by Jungling

#20.

by Tim Babb

#19.

by Ssrrarr

#18.

by SquanderRanee

#17.

by roguematt

#16.

by roguematt

#15.

by Reo

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Satire

16 Coolest and Unexpected Camouflages

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 24 - 2012

Published on Today 1/24/2012
under Misc
– by Gracie Murano

You know that old joke that people love to tell you when you’re wearing camo-”Oh, I didn’t see you there, because you were camouflaged!” Well, that joke is about to become a reality, as a North Carolina company has begun creating custom site-specific camo gear. Now no one is safe, because someone may be blending in with the wall, or sofa, or even your front lawn! Better carry around a sharp stick just in case. On the other side, if you hold still too long you may be exposed to things you can’t unsee, and therapy is very pricey these days, so please use this new camo fabric with care.
(Link | Via)

(Link)

Question: How do you hide a 6 meter (19 feet) high Giraffe…?
Answer: Surprisingly well..!

Camouflage in action: At about 20-30 meters away, it just looks like a beautiful Acacia Thorn Tree with an impressive trunk. (Photo by Martin_Heigan).
(Link)

Carlsberg doesn’t do camouflage, but if we did, it would probably be the best camouflage in the world! Carlsberg beer commercial featuring a beautiful woman lying in a bath tub with shadowy men on the back wall each holding a Carlsberg beer bottle.
(Link)

Aya Tsukioka, a Japanese experimental fashion designer, has developed a line of completely wacky camouflage for crime worried citizens.
(Link)

(Link)

Now you can use Urban Camouflage as a way to hide from work.
(Link)

When the natural world out-sized our constructed one, when rural was the norm and urban was uncommon, camouflage meant blending in with the greens, browns, oranges and other tones of the environment. These urban camouflage artists from Germany ask, and answer, the question of how to camouflage oneself in a commercial urban space.
(Link | Via)

Could you get out of a moving violation with this set up?
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Camouflage fail: you’re doing it wrong, Mr. Elephant.
(Link)

Celebrity camouflage.
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(Link)

Another photo to prove that cats are the best at camo.
(Link)

Camouflage Patterns (photo by Fatima2t)
(Link)

Camouflage green car.

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Satire

13 of the Best SOPA’s Protests and Memes

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 22 - 2012

Published on Today 1/22/2012
under Fun Tech
– by Gracie Murano

I agree, soooooooooooo pathetic!
(Link)

Nitrozac and Snaggy from The Joy of Tech made a comic to cover the site during the internet strike. See, there are things to do that aren’t on the web!
(Link | Via)

Miss Celania’s own selection.
(Link | Via)

Google.com blacked-out the Google logo in a way that sustained the site’s basic functionality but made their point very, very clear.
(Link)

TheOatmeal.com’s protest: do it for the kittens.
See next the animated GIF:

(Link)

LOL, Cats don’t like SOPA either.

Not Even Hipsters Deserve to Be Censored, by GoCryEmoKid.com.
(Link)

Wikipedia came late to the party but deserves huge credit for being the largest website brave enough to block access for a full 24 hours.
NOTE: what most people didn’t know was that “if you clicked at the “Learn more…” link, you would’ve been shown A FAQ. There it says that you can continue to use Wikipedia by simply disabling it’s Javascript in your browser”. (thanks Ilija, A.)

Nedroid’s protest.
(Link)

SOPA vs. Soup, PIPA vs. Pippa

(Link)

Meanwhile in Prison…

Three Dollar Bill Web comic Gets Censored
by eric matos on Today 1/22/2012
0 votes
The web comic Three Dollar Bill let readers see what the site would be like after Sopa, and PIPA
(Source)LOTR fights SOPA
by Tsubasa on Today 1/22/2012
2 votes
Surviving The World’s SOPA Protest
by Acacia on Today 1/22/2012
0 votes
The webcomic Surviving the World’s contribution to the SOPA protest
(Source)See More Contributions…
Have a great addition to the article? Contribute!

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Satire

6 Google Interview Questions (And 6 You Can Answer)

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 22 - 2012

“Bucholz?” Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O’Brien asked, sticking his head into the door of my office. “You’re the smartest person here, right?”

“Correct.” I looked up from one of the seven play-by-mail Go games I had going on. “Or as the French would say, ‘correcte.’”

“Wow.” Jack did a credible job of feigning being impressed, although he didn’t make the big showy gasp that I prefer. “We need you to do something for us.”

“Yes, you norms always do need help with various odds and ends, don’t you?” I chuckled warmly. “Very well, Jack. Make your request.”

Resisting his natural urge to slap me, Jack continued: “We need you to write some interview questions for us. You know how Google has those interviews where they ask really off the wall questions to test the candidate’s problem-solving ability? Like ‘How many golf balls can fit in a Volkswagen?’ and that kind of thing?”

“I’m aware of it, yes. But I don’t think Google does that any more. I think they eventually realized that it was more useful for their computer programmers to know how to program computers. With just golf ball crammers around, you end up making shit like Google Wave. And, I’d assume, deal with a lot of office pranks involving people firing golf balls out of their (CENSORED)s. Is that the kind of person we need working at Cracked?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“If they can also work a spell check, yes.”

I frowned. “I thought I wasn’t permitted to be part of the Cracked hiring process. Because I’d hire ‘nothing but the reddest of the red communists,’ I think you said.”

“Your Canadianness does alarm us to no end, and you still won’t be allowed to meet candidates, or to lay hands on any of our means of production. But we would still like you to draft an interview script for us.”

“Because of my great intelligence.”

“That is the angle that we’re currently coddling you with, yes.”

“OK then. It’s done.”

“Thanks. When can you have it ready by?”

“I said ‘done,’ didn’t I? I predicted what you were going to say before you even walked in here.” Using both hands, I massaged my enormous head in the most obnoxious way I knew how while maintaining full, unblinking eye contact. “It’s already sitting in your inbox.”

____________

That was a lie, but Jack isn’t very agile with computers (he still uses both hands to mouse), so I figured I had a solid 20 minutes before he’d notice that the questionnaire wasn’t there.

My first thought was to just take one of the many lists of Google-esque interview questions from around the Internet and send that to him. But given Cracked’s specialized needs, and the fact that Google is clearly staffed by imbeciles, it was obvious I would have to make some changes. Below I’ve broken down some of Google’s laughably flawed questions and provided new and improved interview questions that are exactly one thousand times better. The questions are grouped into the six categories that all Cracked employees must excel in:

– Calculations

– Puzzles

– Problem Solving

– Lateral Thinking

– Physics

– Potpourri

Calculations

For Google, obviously the ability to carry out quick, accurate calculations would be a highly prized trait in their employees. Our calculation needs at Cracked are a bit more straightforward.

Beyond that, the most complicated calculation we’re likely to perform is ordering a list in descending order. Though we can also usually get our IT guys to do it for us in a pinch, or, ironically enough, just Google the answer.

Google QuestionWhat are the first 10 consecutive digits of e that form a prime number?

Any idiot can build a script to cycle over the digits of e, running them through a basic primality test — I think an episode of Entourage hinged on such a plot point. In fact, this is so easy, I wonder if maybe Google is actually asking about e the vowel.

Cracked QuestionCalculate all the digits of 5.

Anyone who can look at the number 5 and get a real handle on it is all we need here at Cracked, given our low-cal calculation needs. Bonus points for anyone who can put the numbers 1 to 5 in descending order, or who knows why it’s such a funny number (because it looks like an S with a massive German forehead).

Puzzles

Presenting a puzzle during an interview is a classic way of determining if a candidate has seen that puzzle before.

Anyone who’s seen Rubik, the Amazing Cube cartoon would immediately qualify for a position here as our Senior ’80s Bullshit Researcher.

__

Google QuestionYou have eight balls, all of the same size, but one weighs slightly more than the rest. Find that ball by using a balance scale only twice.

This is a fairly straightforward mental puzzle that tests the candidate’s ability at logical reasoning, and is not, presumably, related to any quality control problems at Google’s sphere plant.

Cracked QuestionIs it possible to have an odd number of testicles in a room, and if so, how would you determine that using a balance scale?

This is a two-part question designed to observe how people react to ideas about testicles. We used to have a different way of doing this that got us in a lot of trouble.

Looking for an answer? For the first half, the correct answer is “Yes.” Consider people who have suffered injuries, or people who are halfway through gender-reassignment surgery, or men entering a room while walking sideways when the door violently slammed shut.

For the second half, to make such a determination using a balance scale, you’d ask everyone in the room who has only one testicle to get on the balance scale, and then count the number of people on the balance scale.

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Satire

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