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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

10 Unusual Jello Creations

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 8 - 2012


Published on Today 1/8/2012
under Amazing Art


The Big Apple never looked so good…as a miniature Jell-O City!
(Link)


Now you can invite all your zombie friends over for dinner and not disappoint.
(Link)


Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle….Yes your Jell-o never looked so good – probably the breast you’ll never have.
(Link)


You may be hard up for a good dessert idea, but this floppy treat is sure to delight your guests as they gaze at your talents in the kitchen.
(Link)


Now you can practice your alien autopsy skills before you get that job you always wanted, working at a secret government lab.
(Link)


This is so groovy but please don’t pass the gravy, for this turkey is made of gelatin.
(Link)


Nothing like having your own face staring back at you as you sit down at the dinner table. Take a bite, see how you taste.
(Link)


Jesus Christ! That just isn’t right! But it would be a sin if you didn’t plop one of these on your buffet plate.
(Link)


Yes We Can!….Finally a dessert you can believe in! Take a bite of the 44th President of the United States, Barack Jell-Obama. Photo by Raphael Brion.
(ViaPhoto)


Impress your geek friends with this replica of Han Solo frozen in gelatinous carbonite. May the force be with you!
()

Guest post by Andy Hochman.

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If Stupid Movies Were Remade as Oscar Bait

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 7 - 2012

With a slew of critically acclaimed sequels in 2011, Hollywood appears to be taking stupid movies very seriously. While they probably won’t win any Oscars, seeing a Planet of the Apes prequel on The New Yorker’s list of the top 10 movies of the year made us wonder what it might look like if Hollywood started remaking its stupidest movies with award season in mind.

The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#27.


by Corey Vaspasiano

#26.


by roguematt

#25.


by tonarg

#24.


by mcjiggles

#23.


by ralphmiller

#22.


by Hungadunga

#21.


by roguematt

#20.


by maas

#19.


by roguematt

#18.


by SKBOriginals

#17.


by seanhogan

#16.


by Tim Babb

#15.


by PeterBanning

#14.


by CountBaqula

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/orOUsbldgl0/

7 Charming Amenities of the World’s Grossest Motel Room

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 6 - 2012

Hello. My name is Adam Tod Brown, and I’m new here. Well, not technically new, I’ve written a few things in the past that you might be familiar with. But I recently accepted a full-time job as an editor and columnist here at Cracked.

Also, I’m living in a shitty motel room right now.

Sorry if that last sentence shatters your illusions of what kind of fame and riches await a person who ascends to the very heights of dick jokery by landing a job with the most successful failed magazine of all-time. I assure you, it’s not as bleak as it sounds. For starters, when I say I’m living in a shitty motel room, I just mean right now, as I’m writing this. If there is a God (and a fat check from Cracked coming on Friday) I’ll be out of this dive in a few more days.

How I ended up here is not the story. At least, it’s not the story right now. I have no doubt that I’m more than enough of an (CENSORED) to share those details with the world at some point. But it won’t be this day. Right now, there’s only one story here, and that’s the room itself.

More specifically, the charming amenities of the shitty motel room I’m living.

#7. The Shower Curtain That’s Way Too Small for the Shower

I know this isn’t the greatest photo. I’m sorry about that. Accepted photography standards fly out the window when you’re standing in a bathroom that has an extra shower head that dispenses syphilis. Just joking, it doesn’t have that. The fact that you’ll catch syphilis in this room is just implied.

Anyway, that goddamn shower curtain. As you can see, there’s a little bit of extra shower rod there in the upper right corner of the picture. That’s because, despite what everything you learned in school may lead you to believe, there are no laws of physics in place that are capable of keeping this sheet of yellow-stained plastic stretched far enough to adequately cover the entire shower. I sometimes stand in awe of it during my weekly shower, liter of vodka in hand, still partially clothed, watching water gleefully penetrate the shower curtain’s meager defenses and splash to the floor.

I can’t begin to tell you how many tricks and techniques I’ve employed to try and get this thing to stay in some kind of useful position. But no matter what I try, it just snaps back into the same ineffective stance you see in the picture. By the time I’m done showering, the amount of moisture on the floor is rivaled only by the 8 inches of standing water in the bottom of the tub that will still be working its way down the drain when you finally read this.

#6. The Sketchy Neighbors Across the Hall

Pimp and prostitute? Drug dealers? All of the above? I’m not 100 percent sure which side of the crime spectrum the shady looking couple staying in the room across from me fall on, I just know that between the approximate hours of 9 a.m. – 4 a.m., that room is one endless parade of visitors.

The routine is always the same. First, the dude leaves. I know this to be the case because, well, I F*CKing watch them through the peephole sometimes. Sue me. Entertainment is scarce in a place like this. Anyway, dude leaves and a few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. This visitor is always a male. Always. Said gentleman caller usually stays for about 30 minutes and leaves. A few minutes after that, the male occupant of the room returns. Repeat to infinity.

So, they’re either selling drugs or selling sex or selling both. Whatever the case, I’m not happy about it. I mean, seriously, only when I’m at my absolute brokest do a drug dealer and a prostitute move in across the hall from me. It’s like being on the verge of starvation while watching a pizza commercial (which, coincidentally, is exactly what I’m doing as I type this).

Just joking. I’m not that desperate (yet). And here’s something else I’m not desperate enough for …

#5. The “Continental Breakfast”

Like any respectable house of prostitution and reasonably priced weekly motel rooms, this joint does indeed offer guests a “continental breakfast” each morning. In this case, the feast is available between the hours of 6am-10am. The biggest problem there lies in the fact that, given my current circumstances, the chances of me waking up from the previous night’s blackout prior to 10am are slim to none. But, as luck would have it, there was a day earlier this week when I didn’t manage to stumble my way to bed until well after 6am. So, being sort of awake and only moderately disoriented, I decided to investigate this “continental breakfast” firsthand to see what treasures it held.

To the best of my recollection, the following items were available:

-A Plexiglas container filled with a cereal that vaguely resembled Froot Loops

-A carafe of powdered milk

That’s it. Not a donut, bagel or English muffin in sight. Toast? F*CK toast. Just a pile of sure to be stale Froot Loops and a big jug of disgusting powdered milk.

If any of you reading this grew up immersed in the wonders that only a life of poverty can provide, then you know what kind of animal powdered milk is, and you know that no self-respecting adult would willingly consume that shit. Not even one staying in a motel room that has a prescription for Valtrex posted on the door right underneath the fire escape map (which I think is from a different building altogether).

#4. The Cozy Sitting Area

Sometimes, a person just needs a quiet place to sit and reflect. If that person is living in a shitty motel room like I am right now, rest assured, their “place to go” options are sparse. Usually, it just means getting out of bed and walking to the other side of the room. What you see in the above photo is what you’ll find on the other side of my shitty motel room. Isn’t it just quaintest?

I must admit, I’ve never actually sat here and I plan on burning that computer bag and the earwigs almost certainly infesting it the second I’m gone. But still, in a dive like this, it’s a nice effort. And as you can clearly see, those industrial strength plaid curtains are unique in their ability to keep the room completely dark whether they are open or closed. That’s craftsmanship you could only find in the 1940s when those curtains were made.

Also, heads up, rapists. I think the locks on the window are just for show.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/4xJ_sHLRhqg/

12 Hilarious Summer Pictures

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 6 - 2012


Published on Today 1/6/2012
under Misc
– by Gracie Murano
- 28,738 views


Planking or sunbathing?


Hot in Vegas.
(Link)


Meet the Grinch of summer.
(Link)


Sunblock failure.
(Link)


And you think that skin cancer is the only bad thing that can happen to you while sunbathing?
(Link)


Worst mom on Facebook: Laying OUT.
(Link)


But it’s too hot outside…
(Link)


Birds feel it too!
(Link)


I wish I could see the big, dog-shaped white bit on his butt when the bloke gets up!
(Link)


The best place to sunbathe! I bet this happened in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
(Link)


Bake cookies in a car? You betcha! In Amarillo, the temperatures soar to over 100 degrees, and about 200 degrees in a closed car. Brittany Nunn of the Amarillo Globe-News baked chocolate chip cookies in her car. They took quite a while to bake, but the car smelled wonderful afterward.

(Link | Via)


Ghetto sunbathing.
(Link)

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10 Coolest Flooring Designs

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 4 - 2012


Published on Today 1/4/2012
under Cool Home Design
– by Gracie Murano

Optical Illusion Floor

Optical Illusion Floor
This optical illusion carpet, spotted in a Paris video game store, provides an illusion of a vortex floor.
(Link)

Leather Belt Floor

Leather Belt Floor
(Belt) strapped for cash? Forget ‘affordable’ for a minute and just imagine the curious combination of feeling aged leather beneath your feet, and the look of vintage belts lining the floors of your home. Leather flooring is fairly unusual, but these upcycled belt designs are unique – each one hand-crafted and with individually-selected old belts.

OK, but the price? Over 600 dollars for the round mat shown above from BranchHome and over 70 dollars per square foot for the floor tiles from Ting.
(Link | Via)

Penny Floor

Penny Floor
A floor literally tiled with thousands of copper pennies… it’s pretty surprising to look down and see them when you walk into The Standard Grill in The Standard Hotel, New York. The design was selected by the restaurant’s designers, Robin Standefer and Stephen Alesch of New York design firm – Roman and Williams.
(Link)

Radiant Heat Floor

Radiant Heat Floor
Take off your shoes and feel the warmth coming up through that radiant heat flooring. It’s not only one of the coolest ways to get warm (no pun intended), but it’s also really energy efficient because, unlike traditional heating systems, you don’t lose the heat. With traditional baseboard heating or forced hot air heating, a lot of the energy you use to heat your home is wasted because much of the heat produced is immediately lost. But with radiant floors, that warmth is transferred directly to you as you come in contact with the floor. And it takes advantage of something we all know – hot air rises – so when the heat is generated underneath the floor, it does what it’s supposed to, which is go directly up. Aside from the fact that it keeps your indoor temperature up, and your heating bills down, it’s just plain fantastic.
(Link)

Aerial Photo Floor

Aerial Photo Floor
Check out the Flying Carpet next time you’re in Sacramento. Created by California-based artist Seyed Alavi, the carpet is an aerial view of the Sacramento River as it flows for 50 miles, between the California towns of Colusa and Chico. The 18-foot-wide, 150-foot-long image is woven and dyed into the carpet covering a walkway that connects the main parking lot and Terminal A. Alavi won a competition of more than 100 artists that submitted proposals for upgrading the walkway.
(Link)

Salt Floor

Salt Floor
Every once in a while, though, we run across someone who has taken the industry to a whole new level. Japanese Artist Motoi Yamamoto has found his medium in grains of salt – billions and billions of them. Yamamoto adheres plain table salt to floor surfaces, creating extremely intricate patterns landscapes. The result is pretty amazing and can be a dizzying optical illusion if you stare too long. To prep, the artist draws the most complex mazes and labyrinths imaginable, plotting out his design.

His creations are for exhibition only and aren’t meant for permanent floor design, which is fortunate, because it’d take just one mildly rude friend to undo hours upon hours of work.
(Link)

Puzzle Floor

Puzzle Floor
This floor is something that stands out from the crowd. The new Puzzle Floor elicits expressions of surprise and amazement. A perfect solution for children’s bedrooms, but not only. Available in 13 colors, the tiles can be mixed for unique, personalized installations.
(Link)

Human Traffic Floor

Human Traffic Floor
Alistair Bramley’s Dimension laminate flooring is a futuristic take on laminate floor design. The patterns are created using the natural movement of people within a set environment. Obstacles such as furniture are incorporated into the floor design. Video footage of how people used the room space was captured, processed and then printed onto the floor. This takes bespoke flooring to the next level.
(Link)

Etched Floor

Etched Floor
Some prefer the raw texture of hand-scraped hardwood floors, while others want the modern look (and low costs) of laminate wood flooring. These patterned wooden planks provide artistic relief somewhere in between – an honest contemporary take on classic material and installation approaches.

This decorative flooring series from Mafi provides a fresh outlook on manufactured floors, etching designs that range from abstract floral patterns to playfully embossed stick figures. The pre-engraved slats are shallow enough not to collect dirt and dust (at least in theory), but deep enough to be felt underfoot by bare feet or with socks – each features a darker ‘burned’ look or a consistent surface treatment where variation is seen only by reflection, light and shadow.
(Link)

Interactive Floor

Interactive Floor
Billed as the world’s first truly “sustainable dance club”, Club Watt is based in Rotterdam in the Netherlands and aims to use 50 per cent less waste and 30 per cent less energy than a typical club. To achieve its goals, it’s working to the green guidelines of a non-profit organization known as the Sustainable Dance Club.

As well as generating energy, the dance floor has an interactive element. As you dance, its appearance changes through the LED lighting embedded in the panels, which are made from recycled materials.
(Link)

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How Not to Get Away With Sexual Harassment

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 3 - 2012

By:
The Startup

| 93 Comments

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/3X0OoS5NZUs/video_18364_how-not-to-get-away-with-sexual-harassment.html

Unsung Heroes: Cam Wright

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 3 - 2012

Cam Wright, drummer for the Bakersfield, CA bar band Gambiteer, decided the group’s “Spoonful” cover sounded tighter without his extended solo, and dropped it from Friday’s set.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/37CdyVO2fRA/

4 Evolutionary Explanations for Modern Annoyances

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 2 - 2012

Soren Bowie is on assignment in the jungles of South America. Filling in for him today is Los Angeles based writer Joe Donatelli.

At some point, your appendix was vital to your survival. Well, not yours in particular. Yours is useless. But humanity’s collective appendix was an evolutionary advancement that kept the species alive. The trouble with evolution, however, is that it’s painfully slow. Sometimes long after the threat is gone the solution still lingers, wasting space and getting in the way. The following are four metaphorical appendixes we’re still forced to deal with daily despite how annoying they might be. At one point each of these social evolutionary steps was the glue to our civilization, but we’ve come a long way since then, and now they’re just sort of annoying.

#4. Women Take Forever to Leave Parties

Let me preface this by saying that it comes from first-hand experience. I have a lot of time to think about how women take forever to leave parties because I spend a lot of time standing in doorways watching my wife and her friends take forever to leave parties.

Getty
“Wait, there might be someone in the bathroom I haven’t said goodbye to.”

Women say goodbye to the host, to their friends, to people they’ve met that night and even to strangers. In fact, when it comes to strangers, the saying of goodbye often becomes the saying of hello, which leads to the conversation they should have had during the party, which goes on for minutes, which finally ends with a second goodbye.

With her friends, it’s not enough to say goodbye. Compliments are exchanged. Promises of phone calls and emails are made. Dates are set for future rendezvous. Goodbye is not just goodbye. Goodbye is “I love you and goodbye and let’s plan when we’re going to see each other again and goodbye again.”

Getty
“My boyfriend is already in the car. We’ve got another half hour of nitrous balloons until he gets pissed.”

For those of you keeping track, that’s two goodbyes apiece for friends and strangers, plus more planning than took place before the Yalta Conference. Finally, 20 or 30 minutes after my wife and I had the “Ready to go?” conversation that all couples have before leaving parties, we go.

When I’m at a party with my friends, I do the polite thing: I thank the host and leave. I do not say goodbye to anyone else unless they meet one of the following requirements: 1) They have been my best friend since we were 5 years old 2) They are dying and if I say goodbye now it will save me a trip to the hospital later.

I then drive home safely.

Getty
Passing out at parties is harder when you have to find couch space for a second person.

When I leave a party with my wife I get in the car and mash the pedal so hard our windshield looks like the Millennium Falcon making the jump to light speed because I was ready to leave an hour ago and want to get the hell home now. Meanwhile she’s in the passenger seat on the phone calling all of the people from the party she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to.

There might be a very good scientific reason for our diametrically opposed goodbye techniques.

In research published by Daniel Balliet, Norman P. Li, Shane J. Macfarlan and Mark Van Vugt of the American Psychological Association in Psychological Bulletin, men cooperate better with other men than women cooperate with other women. Researchers reviewed 272 studies containing 31,642 participants in 18 countries. Each study contained one social dilemma. In a social dilemma experiment, two or more people must choose between short-term self-interest and long-term group interest. The research revealed that women were more likely to cooperate when men were involved and women were less cooperative than men in same-sex situations.

Getty
“We’ll get right back to those Q3 numbers once Sandra closes her giant,
gaping vagina to every man in a three-block radius.”

This reminds me of the BBC’s Walking with Cavemen, a documentary that featured a shocking amount of caveman dong and also explained how cavemen lived. The men walked together. They hunted together. They scouted together. They fought in war together. It was in their interests to get along. The cavemen from the documentary were just like the guys from Entourage, with the main exception being that Vincent Chase is the only caveman dong on that show.

In the documentary, when a female named “Lucy” joined the group, she took a fancy to the alpha male in the group. The females, naturally, hated her guts and said things like “oog” (translation: “She’s fat”) and “ghuh” (“I hear she is on drugs”) and “pit” (“(CENSORED)”) and “pit-pit” (“Total (CENSORED)”).

Getty
You don’t even want to know what “sloog” means.

Lucy was ostracized by the females until the alpha female took Lucy under her wing in an attempt to keep her away from the alpha male. Because things like convents and boarding schools and Cheaters had yet to be invented, the alpha female eventually discovered Lucy and the alpha male overcoming their third-date jitters next to a boulder.

Eventually Lucy would die of random bludgeoning (random bludgeoning being the No. 1 cause of death in those days), but not before she gave birth to the alpha male’s baby, forcing the females in the group to choose between legitimizing the baby by raising it or leaving it to die with its (CENSORED) mother, therein providing the inspiration for the first Lifetime original movie.


Lucy would go on to have a lucrative career as a corpse.

Evolutionary psychologists believe we are at least partly who we are today because of who we were on the savannah thousands of years ago. They say men are wired to accumulate resources and procreate and women are wired to compete for men. Of course, in the civilized world, we’re beyond that now. Women don’t depend on men solely for resources and can have a child without one. But their internal wiring was put in back when being labeled a bitch might be a death sentence.

So why do women take forever to leave parties? Maybe it’s because, deep down, they have evolutionary trust issues. A woman isn’t just saying goodbye at parties. She’s subconsciously saying, “We’re cool, right?” “We don’t hate each other, right?” She’s covering her bases because she knows that if she slights even one woman in the room, that woman could spend the rest of the party calling her a “pit-pit.”

#3. Men Throw Money at Sex, But Not the Way You’re Thinking

Have you ever wondered why cocktail waitresses wear skimpy outfits? It’s not because we all want to see some old showgirl’s muffin top. It’s because men are more likely to risk money when they’re thinking about mating. This doesn’t just happen in Las Vegas. Pharmaceutical companies hire former college cheerleaders as sales reps. High-end restaurants hire good-looking waitresses. Fitness centers are managed by gorgeous women. Sex sells. It sells because, when it comes to money, men normally exhibit a behavior called “loss aversion.”

Getty
“I’ll buy the house, but only if it comes with tits.”

Loss aversion is the tendency to choose avoiding losses over acquiring gains. Loss aversion in men is reduced, according to researchers led by Arizona State professor Douglas Kenrick, when a man is looking for a mate.

Said one author of the study, “For men in a mating frame of mind, loss aversion completely disappeared and they became more focused on wins than losses. For women, on the other hand, mating motivation led them to be even more loss averse, to focus less on possible gains and even more on the pain of loss.”

Of course. Reproductive decisions are more costly for females; they pay the higher costs of pregnancy and nursing.

Getty
We’re not sure what’s going on here, but we know it’s easier than a C-section.

When researchers put subjects in a more “self-protective” frame of mind, men and women became more loss averse. This could explain why so many people do not spend money in a bad economy even when they have money to spend.

According to evolutionary researchers, natural selection has endowed modern humans with a psychology that encourages us to make decisions that increase the likelihood that our genes will survive, thrive and replicate.

Getty
Which is why you don’t see so many pocket protectors these days.

What does that mean, in terms of money? It means men are more likely to spend money when sex is on the mind. Women are less loss averse when mating is not a factor; think of the older, married woman on a shopping spree. Fewer people invest in the stock market during hard times, even though that’s when they should. Also, all of the hot young staffers chasing congressmen around Capitol Hill could explain why the country is broke.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/DJ1eItvt5dc/article_19657_4-evolutionary-explanations-modern-annoyances.html

10 Weirdest Necks

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 2 - 2012


Published on Today 1/2/2012
under Strange People
– by Gracie Murano
- 24,758 views


NFL’s Paul Posluszny, linebacker, Jacksonville Jaguars
(Link)


Ethnic neck.
(Link)


Weird neck mugshot.
(Link)


Tattooed neck.


Celebrity weird neck: Victoria Beckham
(Link)


Fat neck
(Link)


Pierced neck.
(Link)


NFL’s Roman Harper has a neck wider than his head.
(Link)


Really long and thin neck
(Link)


No neck

Invisible Neck
by Reign on Today 1/2/2012
0 votes
Melinda Doolittle from American Idol.
(Source)dick head
by G on Today 1/2/2012
0 votes
Some South African government official in a swimming pool. Have a great addition to the article? Contribute!

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Thousands More Dead In Continuing Iraq Victory

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On January - 2 - 2012

Statistics released by the Department Of Defense estimated that 2,937 U.S. troops and over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died in the ongoing American military victory in Iraq.

General George Casey, Jr. lauds “another plainly measurable step” in America’s victory.

“Victory deaths are at a higher level than we had anticipated, yes,” Gen. George Casey, Jr. said at a press conference shortly after the figures were released. “But one of the crucial lessons of our Vietnam experience is that a victory, in order to remain victorious, can’t be abandoned halfway through, or in the case of Iraq, one-eighth of the way through.”

“And significantly more troops may be required if we are to continue to enjoy that victory, especially if this turns into an all-out civil war,” Casey added, stressing that it was still too early to deem the victory a “quagmire.”

Debate continues over whether U.S. troops should be withdrawn from the Iraqi theater of victory. While some in Congress argue that a withdrawal would force Iraqi leadership to enforce the victory on their own, many military experts say that Iraqi troops remain insufficiently trained and unprepared to handle the daily perils of victory.

President Bush has consistently warned that if we hand over victory to local forces right away, there’s a risk that victory may worsen, as Iraqis won’t be able to contend with the guerrilla attacks and improvised explosive devices that claim the lives of dozens of the victorious every day.

“We’re paying dearly in the form of American lives,” Bush said, “but, plainly speaking, that’s just victory for you.”

Casey’s remarks came nearly two weeks after some 200 Iraqi Shi’ites died in a series of car bombs in Baghdad’s Sadr City, the largest single victory-related death toll since the U.S. won the Iraq War in 2003.

In an address to the nation Dec. 10, President Bush predicted that, if efforts continue as they have in Iraq, “This could become America’s longest victory ever,” Bush said.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/ohNNHR8-1MQ/

The 17 Most Disappointing Moments of the Next 12 Months

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On January - 1 - 2012

Whether politics or apocalypse, 2012 is like the Miami Heat of new years. It began announcing itself well before it was appropriate, telling us that it would be the most important twelve months since we started tagging them with numbers. We asked you to show us all the different flavors of disappointment we’ll be experiencing in our pre-ordained last year on earth. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#17.


by Nocturnesthesia

#16.


by acousticrat

#15.


by ArtistBob

#14.


by Echomaya

#13.


by roguematt

#12.


by Licalatypus

#11.


by Tylorp

#10.


by GoldLeader

#9.


by TimmyK

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/4ukanKJSZIk/

25 Problems Great Characters Would Face in the Real World

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On December - 31 - 2011

Transporting fictional characters into the realities of the modern world always seems like a good idea. But as Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Star Trek IV: Spock Saves … Whales or Something? demonstrate, it rarely goes according to plan. We asked you to show us fictional characters who might have a hard time adjusting to the real world. The winner is below, but first the runners up …

#25.


by tehx3n

#24.


by AzISeeIt

#23.


by bazooka

#22.


by Corey Vaspasiano

#21.


by hoozits

#20.


by ZacPensol

#19.


by roguematt

#18.


by mistersarcastic

#17.


by Manx377

#16.


by maluba

#15.


by Jorster

#14.


by GoldLeader

#13.


by Kapo

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12 ODDEEst Stories of 2011

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On December - 31 - 2011


Published on Today 12/31/2011
under Strange Stories
– by Gracie Murano

JANUARY: 3500 brave people rode the subway half naked to celebrate “No Pants Subway Ride” in New York

JANUARY: 3500 brave people rode the subway half naked to celebrate
Thousands of people dropped their trousers in the New York City subway, baring their bods to their briefs with bitter temperatures upstairs.

At 3 p.m. Sunday, participating New Yorkers stripped down to their festive underwear to kick off the 10th annual “No Pants Subway Ride”, tucked their pants away into their bags and rode on as usual as unsuspecting passengers gawked away.

The party, organized by the New York-based group Improv Everywhere, only took place from the waist down — pantsless transit riders kept their top halves fully clothed, donning scarves and gloves as the temperature hovered around a far-from-balmy 30 degrees. According to organizers, at least 3,500 people participated in New York, eventually converging on the city’s Union Square to celebrate.
(Link | Via)

FEBRUARY: The man who got a tattoo on his penis to win a car

FEBRUARY: The man who got a tattoo on his penis to win a car
A German man didn’t have to hand over a dime for a new car, but he did have to pay in ink.

Andreas Mueller won a silver Mini Cooper by pulling off the craziest stunt during a radio show contest by getting a tattoo of the word ‘MINI’ on his penis. Radio listeners heard Muller shriek as he received the tatty on his man part while a female host watched. “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore,” said Mueller, 39.
(Link)

MARCH: The sex book filled with 200 blank pages that outsold Harry Potter

MARCH: The sex book filled with 200 blank pages that outsold Harry Potter
An empty book entitled ‘What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex’ has soared up the bestseller charts. Outselling the likes of ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ by JK Rowling and ‘The Da Vinci Code’ by Dan Brown, ‘Professor’ Sheridan Simove’s publication moved 134,256 places up Amazon’s bestseller list to reach number 744. The book claims to reveal the mysterious workings of the male mind, providing a probing insight into what, other than sex, occupies their thoughts, and was recently featured on the ITV1 show ‘Lorraine’, with Lorraine Kelly. However, each of the 200 pages are completely blank. It seems the £4.69 journal has become a craze on campuses up and down the country, with students using the blank pages to take notes in lectures.

The book’s ‘author’ said of the sales, ‘When the book was published I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would outsell Harry Potter.’ Prof Simove went on to reveal that the subject matter tackled in the book was thoroughly researched. ‘After many years of hard work I finally realized that men think of absolutely nothing apart from sex,’ he added.
(Link)

APRIL: The woman so obsessed with pink that she decorated her entire house as a shrine to the colour

APRIL: The woman so obsessed with pink that she decorated her entire house as a shrine to the colour
A young mother is so obsessed with pink that she has turned her home into a shrine to the color. Wanda Matthews, 20, has loved pink from a young age, and, as soon as she moved into her own place, she set about transforming it. Her bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom and children’s playroom are a candy-coloured testament to her passion for pink, with everything from the carpets, wallpaper, furniture and bedding in varying shades of the rosy hue.

The mother of two, from Bolton, wears something pink every day from her pink wardrobe, and her kitchen even has a pink kettle, toaster, pots, and pans. She only buys pink cleaning products, listens to a pink iPod and makes calls on her pink mobile. Her young daughters have happily fit in with the colour scheme, wearing pink clothes and playing with pink toys.
(Link)

MAY: The man who was arrested for underage drinking six hours before turning 21

MAY: The man who was arrested for underage drinking six hours before turning 21
There’s bad luck, and then there are times when fate’s just being damn cruel. This is the latter scenario. Jesse Robinson was booked on May 21, 2011 for underage consumption. The thing is, he was born on May 22, 1990. That’s right, Springboro police arrested him at about 6:30 p.m., less than six hours before he turned 21, the legal drinking age.
(Link)

JUNE: The 3-yr-old toddler who escaped an 8-floor fall by getting stuck in the air conditioning unit

JUNE: The 3-yr-old toddler who escaped an 8-floor fall by getting stuck in the air conditioning unit
A lucky three-year-old boy had a miraculous escape after he fell from an eighth floor balcony and became trapped in the building’s air-conditioning unit. The toddler, who has not been named, had been left home alone in the apartment in Beijing, China, before he fell. Neighbours, who heard him screaming in terror, called the police for help. But when they noticed he was starting to slip they decided to take the matter into their own hands. Two grocery shop workers, Mr Wang and Mr Zhou, leapt into action climbing out of the window and grabbing the boy’s arm in the nick of time.

A passing witness, a Mr Miao, said he suddenly heard screaming and when he looked up he saw ‘a kid was stuck behind an air conditioner while his legs were dangling in the air.’ Mr Miao added, ‘Then several men appeared at the balcony on the 7th floor. One of them climbed over and caught the boy’s wrist’.
(Link)

JULY: The man who got stuck in manhole while trying to get his mobile phone back

JULY: The man who got stuck in manhole while trying to get his mobile phone back
Walking to a friend’s house, Jared Medeiros was set upon by a group of men who left him battered and bruised. And, adding insult to injury, his mobile was then chucked through a manhole cover by the attackers. But the 21-year-old refused to accept that the phone was gone and decided it would be a good idea to stick his head down the drain to retrieve it and call the police.

Bad idea. He became stuck fast – and the alarm was raised only after he had been in there screaming for about 40 minutes. ‘I was concerned but I was also laughing – it was funny!’ said Brianna Mooney, 16, who raised the alarm. Mr Medeiros was freed by firefighters, who spent hours trying to pull him out. He said he had been beaten and kicked by four men.

Photos of his predicament were made public by police in Ceres, California. ‘I don’t understand why they would sit and take pictures,’ said Mr Medeiros. ‘That kind of p****s me off.’
(Link)

AUGUST: The woman who got stuck with her car in fresh wet cement and didn’t want to leave so she wouldn’t ruin her shoes

AUGUST: The woman who got stuck with her car in fresh wet cement and didn't want to leave so she wouldn't ruin her shoes
A female lawyer got into a sticky situation when she attempted a U-turn and drove straight onto a bed of freshly laid wet cement in Houston, Texas. Road workers stationed in the city couldn’t believe their eyes as the driver totally ignored the bright orange markers and planted all four wheels of her £70,000 luxury Lexus square on the concrete.

Three users of the website ‘Reddit’ were on hand to take pictures and within a few hours a social media storm of laughter had been created. One user, changitochulito, who witnessed the incident from an office block said the cement was barely five minutes old before it claimed its first set of wheels. Police were eventually called in to rescue the woman, but it’s understood she decided to stay in her car so as not to ruin her shoes.
(Link)

SEPTEMBER: The woman who was left ‘uniboob ‘after bad plastic surgery and then became a model

SEPTEMBER: The woman who was left ‘uniboob ‘after bad plastic surgery and then became a model
A 40-year-old woman went public with her ‘botched’ breast enhancement operation in a bid to warn other women about the dangers of using unqualified plastic surgeons. Dinora Rodriguez, from Los Angeles, California, was left with a ‘uniboob’ after her breasts were conjoined by skin. She also had a nip-tuck operation on her eyelids that has meant she is now unable to close them.

Mrs Rodriguez is now featured in a new advertising campaign being mounted by the American Board of Plastic Surgery in an attempt to warn people about the dangers of using unqualified surgeons. The ASPS want to warn people considering surgery to be on their guard against what they call ‘white coat deception’. The advert featuring Mrs Rodriguez was unveiled at the annual conference of the ABPS in Denver, Colorado.
(Link)

OCTOBER: The couple who got married on Octber 31st with a Halloween-themed wedding

OCTOBER: The couple who got married on Octber 31st with a Halloween-themed wedding
Newlyweds Steve and Karen Vailes got into the spirit of Halloween when they had a spooky wedding at a Bristol Register Office, with everyone coming dressed as a ghoulish character. The couple were both dressed as skeletons, with the bride, Karen, wearing a black outfit instead of the usual white wedding dress. The guests were also convinced to come as creatures of the night, with some dressing as witches and others donning vampire costumes. The groom, Steve, admitted he was a bit hesitant at first but loved it once he got into the swing of things.
(Link)

NOVEMBER: The baby who was born at 1:11 on 11.11.2011

NOVEMBER: The baby who was born at 1:11 on 11.11.2011
Jacob Anthony Saydeh won’t have any trouble remembering precisely when he was born. Virtua Memorial hospital in Mount Holly, N.J. says Jacob entered the world at 11:11 a.m. on Friday — 11-11-11.

And to make the Veterans Day birth even more remarkable, the boy’s mother is an Air Force veteran and his father currently serves in the Air Force. It’s the second child for Staff Sgt. Christopher Saydeh and his wife, Danielle. They live at Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst, where he is a member of the Air Force security forces. They are a third-generation military family.

Jacob weighed 8 pounds, 13 ounces.
(Link)

DECEMBER: The couple who set the record for world’s largest Christmas light decoration

DECEMBER: The couple who set the record for world's largest Christmas light decoration
The Christmas lights world record was smashed by an Australian couple. David and Janean Richards have an incredible 331,038 fairy lights covering their property – smashing the previous world record. David Richards, a barrister and father of three, has been working for the past four years to bring together all the decorations. The illuminations have helped raise money for the charity SIDS and Kids – an organisation Mr Richards said helped his family during tough times in 2002.

Although their entry into the Guinness World Records and the money raised for charity have obviously gone well with the Richards, the household doesn’t plan to do the same thing next year. The couple will be passing the lights on, as a way of encouraging the new owners to raise money for charity.
(Link)

All Hail The Dragonborn!
by Keri on Today 12/31/2011
0 votes
In response to Bethesda claiming they will “give free Bethesda games for life” to the parents who na(…)
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By Susan Winger, President,



Contrary to what he would have you believe, President Bush’s plans to invade Iraq have nothing to do with such high-minded goals as liberating the Iraqi people or saving the world from terrorism. His “principled” stand is actually just a thinly veiled attempt to gain control of the oil-rich Middle East at the cost of human lives. It is time for the people of the United States to rise up and say, “No blood for oil!”

Bush talks about freedom, but what kind? The freedom to drive gas-guzzling SUVs without worrying about the price of gas going above $2 a gallon? If we go to war, innocent lives will be lost to satisfy Generalissimo Bush’s insatiable gaslust and line the bulging pockets of the corporate and oil interests that put him in office.

We’ve got to stand up and make our voices heard. This war is not what most Americans want. What’s more, Bush is acting against not only the will of a majority of Americans, but also the will of the world. France and Germany have demanded to see more evidence of Iraq’s attempts to conceal weapons of mass destruction, yet Bush continues to ram his warmongering agenda down everyone’s throats, all for his precious black gold.

The president claims that Iraq is “a danger to the world,” but it is the U.S. that represents the real danger. We are the ones who act like bullies, intimidating those who don’t go along with our imperialist agenda with threats of invasion and worse. Unlike some countries I could name, Iraq never dropped an atomic bomb on anybody. The bottom line is, Bush has no right to wage a “preemptive” war against Iraq.

The White House continues to beat the war drum, frightening the American public into believing this war is necessary for the safety of the world. Bush is trying to scare up support for an invasion under the pretense that Saddam intends to unleash chemical, biological, or nuclear warfare on his enemies, but there is no real evidence that these are his plans. There is real evidence, on the other hand, that President Bush was put in office by Big Oil and would do anything to avoid having to develop responsible, earth-friendly alternative energy sources.

Most offensive of all, the tragic events of Sept. 11 are being manipulated by Bush to further his agenda. Under the guise of the “war on terrorism,” Bush has declared that members of his “Axis of Evil” are a threat and subject to military attacks. Is it coincidence that the one Axis of Evil nation Bush has singled out for attack also holds the greatest opportunity for profit? I think not.

Let the U.N. inspections work. No blood for oil!

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10 Real Survival Guides for One Very Fake Apocalypse

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On December - 30 - 2011

As we move into 2012, the final year of human existence, I wanted to take a look back on the last great apocalypse– Y2K. We’ve rebuilt society since the Millennium Bug destroyed everything we knew, but for what? So our souls look better as they’re being pulled from the gnarled teeth of Ah Pukuh in twelve months? That’s ridiculous. Luckily, ridiculous is my specialty, and I’ve kept all my helpful guidebooks from the Year 2000 to help us defeat ancient Mayan bookkeepers together.

You probably think it’s crazy to have so many books and VHS tapes about the end of the world 12 years after it didn’t happen, but hey, dick, would a crazy person have an end-of-the-world survival kit sitting in his living room that looked like this?


#10. Y2K Family Survival Guide Hosted by Leonard Nimoy

If you want level-headed advice about preparing for a global crisis, who better to turn to than a nude photographer who played a space creature on TV? As you can imagine, the producers had no idea how to approach a problem as big as the end of the world. As a survival tool, this tape ranks somewhere between a seal costume and a shark pheremone suppository.

It starts with Leonard Nimoy scolding the ancient Atlanteans for their hubris. This is to create a context for what comes next: this is all your fault, mankind. Your lazy dependence on transistors is what caused all this in the first place. And it never makes sense from there. For 48 minutes, random and irrelevant information is dropped onto the viewer like grave dirt. And while I was sitting there learning the history of binary language and the moral implications of, I’m serious, death ray technology, the only thing I could think about was what led Leonard Nimoy to do this project.

Steve: I don’t think people will take this VHS tape seriously if we just have an Earthling hosting it.

Dinonaut 800X: Why you looking at me? I didn’t come all this way to host an instructional video on going extinct.

Steve: Fine. I’ll make some calls.

Dinonaut 800X: Even with a gaping penis wound, subcreature?

Steve: W-what?

Dinonaut 800X: Initiating space plan alpha!!! KROMPP!!

#9. The Christian’s Y2K Preparedness Handbook by Dan and Tammy Kihlstadius

When one buys a book for Christians by an author named Kihlstadius, one expects a few tips on how to kill arena lions with nothing but the bones of the weaker Christians. Instead, this is an apology letter written by a coin dealer to 1999 readers for wasting their time. It knew nothing at all was going to happen, but here’s the strange thing: it took 299 pages to explain that. I don’t know about you, but I’ve read enough government reports on weather balloon crashes to know that 299 pages of “Nothing here is weird!” is a sure sign you’ve got your fingers in an alien body. What did God tell you about Y2K, Kihlstadius? What are you hiding!?

#8. A.D. 2000: The End? by Dr. Jack Van Impe

Televangelist Dr. Jack Van Impe was way ahead of everyone when he made this video in 1990, and it has nothing to do with computers. Jack simply knew the world was about to end based on subtle clues laid out by his God. For example, AIDS. Crop circles. I’m sorry, is your mind not blown yet? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing in the year 2000 when his people are playing sky polo and we’re all haggling with a pit demon over the price of ground baby.

#7. WHAT WILL BECOME OF US? – Countdown to Y2K by Julian Gregori

As he states several times in his book, computer expert Julian Gregori hates the cynical, doomsaying nature of all his rival Y2K guides. That’s why he’s created a calm and reasonable guidebook to survive what may turn out to be only twice as bad as the worst cataclysm Earth has ever faced. Keeping that anti-alarmist spirit in mind, WHAT WILL BECOME OF US? devotes 5 of its 239 pages to the emotional issues you’ll face after killing bandits in order to protect your family. I’m very excited to make this clear to you: I’m not kidding. No one has ever been so certain his or her reader was going to die since this author:

#6. Y2K for Women by Karen S. Anderson

In the male-dominated field of all civilization ending, women are often overlooked. After all, it’s their feelings and ovaries that confused the machines so much in the first place. This book catered to the forgotten demographic of lady maniacs. It helped them understand how terrified they should be about the Y2K bug. Irrationally? Double that? For example, when the clocks roll around on 1/1/00, every firmware chip controlling gorilla cages will malfunction simultaneously. Do you know how to menstruate without them smelling you? Trick question, ladies. We freed the gorillas weeks ago.

In all seriousness, Y2K for Women does have some cute tips on how to purify water or start a vegetable garden in the ruins of a metropolis. Let’s not play games, though. It’s a known fact that no matter how big a gang of wasteland marauders becomes, there is only ever room for one female member. If the apocalypse shows up and you’re not already throwing nets at the other women from a dirt bike, the best you can hope for is slave dancer or gorilla bait.

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