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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

[audio] Area Neighbors Protest Tree-House Acquisition of M-80 Technology

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.

In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.

Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/vVOjQjZeXTQ/

Satire

DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. “If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated,” said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z’s not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. “My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we’re going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there’s no tomorrow.” Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or “just take them down yourself.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/cGn6xXooW0Q/

Satire

American Voices: Qaddafi Regime Ends

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –>

Qaddafi Regime Ends

August 22, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•34

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi’s reign. What do you think?

Yeah! We did it! Didn’t we?

Dominic Heriot
Running Rigger
This is a victory for the Libyan people. Just look at the jubilant crowds on the streets of Tripoli. I assume the women are enjoying quiet celebrations at home.

Amy Lethbridge-Stewart
Glass Tinter
I’m tired of countries not having the courtesy to contact people to reschedule their tourism-surgery before they have a revolution.

Keith Shaw
Pattern Hand

Recent American Voices

‘Extreme Couponing’ Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

08.22.11 | ISSUE 47•34

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?
Abercrombie Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is “contrary to the aspirational image of the brand.” …
1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls

08.18.11 | ISSUE 47•33

According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, 30 percent of cell phones users aged 18 to 29 have feigned calls in the past month to avoid certain social situations.
FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

08.17.11 | ISSUE 47•33

The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police’s second fatal shooting since 2009.
Pawlenty Drops Out

08.16.11 | ISSUE 47•33

Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president.

Recent News »

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/n1RdCLwVfvk/

Satire

10 Unique Beaches

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 23 - 2011

Published on Today 8/23/2011
under Cool Places
– by Gracie Murano

Glass Beach

Glass Beach is a section of coastline in MacKerricher State Park in California. After World War II, it was used as a public dump for two decades until local officials halted the practice. Since that time, the waves have worn smooth the glass shards disposed on the shore. However sad is the original cause, the result is quite pretty.
(Link | Via)

Inland Beach

Gulpiyuri beach is near Llanes in Spain. Gulpiyuri’s name isn’t its only bizarre facet: this beach is found completely inland in a gorgeous little cove which looks like something out of a fantasy. The Cantabrian Sea bored through the earth to create this sandy spot, and though you can’t see the ocean, its waves to lap the shore just like any beach — it’s odd, like a magical wave pool.
(Link | Via)

Bowling Ball Beach

On the Californian coast is a town called Mendocino. Nearby is a coastal feature called Schooner Gulch, and this is where you can feast your eyes on what has become known as the ‘Bowling Ball Beach’. Thousands of rocks appear to have gathered together to defy the tides like an army of small boulders. The weird thing is that these boulders are uniform in size and shape, as well as in their spacing, though man has nothing to do with it.

The explanation is simple and purely geological in nature. Technically called concretions, these hard spheres are composed of materials far more resilient than the Cenozoic mudstone that once surrounded them. Over millions of years, this has eroded away under the constant onslaught of the Pacific Ocean, forming the cliffs that line the shore behind the beach and leaving the tougher ‘bowling balls’ behind.
(Link)

World’s Most Crowded Beach

Reputed to be the largest sandy beach in Asia, world’s probably number one bathing beach is situated on Huiquan Bay in Qingdao, Shandong Province. Also called Huiquan Bathing Beach, this beach is noted for its clear water, mild waves and soft sand. Even in winter this place is crowded with keen swimmers.
(Link)

Airport Beach

Barra Airport is probably the only airport in the world where planes land on the beach. BRR is situated in on the wide beach of Traigh Mhor, on Barra island, in the Outer Hebrides, Scotland. If you want to fly here commercially you will want to book with British Airways, which flies to Barra from Glasgow and Benbecula.

The airport is literally washed away by the tide once a day, and if you arrive on a late afternoon flight, you may notice a couple of cars in the parking lot with their lights on, which provides pilots some added visibility, since the airport is naturally lit. Needless to say you probably don’t want to hang out at Barra Airport beach, unless you are a aviation junkie, in which case Barra Airport has a fool proof system, as sign that reads: “Keep off the beach. When the windsock is flying and the airport is active.”
(Link)

Hot Water Beach

Hot Water Beach is a popular geothermal attraction in New Zealand. This unusual beach attracts 130,000 visitors each year. The hot water can reach 64ºC (147ºF), but you’ll have to dig up a hole to enjoy it. These underground water reservoirs are formed by volcanoes as it reaches the surface. It’s just the perfect location for a nice hot bath. Don’t forget to bring some digging instruments and a bucket.
(Link)

Refrigerated Beach

The Palazzo Versace Dubai property development is now 80 percent complete, according to the Emirates Sunland Group, the developer behind the £400 million project. As a world premier, the hotel will have the first ever refrigerated beach which will include a system of heat-absorbing pipes built under the sand and giant wind blowers, designed to keep tourists cool in the searing 40-50C heat.
(Link)

Red Sand Beach

The beach is located south of Hana Bay and it’s also known as the Red Sand Beach. The trail leading to the beach is on a cliff edge and visitors should be very careful. Water shoes are recommended. The red color of the sand is given by a nearby cinder cone hill surrounding the bay. Swimming here is a different experience from everything you’ve tried before, just be aware of currents and don’t swim behind the lava sea wall. Because the beach is so secluded, nudism is not uncommon.
(Link)

World’s Whitest Sand Beach

There’s a quiet spot on the NSW South Coast that deserves loud acclamation, Tony Grantham discovers. At first glance, Jervis Bay is not the sort of place to inspire thoughts of world records and extravagant claims. But for a quiet spot it has big tickets on itself, though to be fair, the claims are fully justified. It has an entry in the Guinness Book of Records as having the whitest sand in the world (officially at Hyams Beach, though many others around there are similarly blessed) and the astonishing fact that the bay is at least six times bigger in volume and four times bigger in area than Sydney Harbour.
(Link)

Green Sand Beach

Papakolea Beach is a green sand beach located at South Point, in the Kau district of the Island of Hawaii. One of only two green sand beaches in the world, the other being in Guam, the beach gets distinctive coloring from olivine crystals found in a nearby cinder cone.
(Link)

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Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97872.aspx

Satire

21 Images You Won’t Believe Aren’t Photosphopped (Part 8)

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 22 - 2011

This is the latest edition of our most popular feature, in which we demonstrate that the truth is stranger than Photoshop. Here are more photos that will make every poster in the comment section scream “FAKE!” but are absolutely real.

In case you missed the previous episodes, here’s Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, the gritty reboot that doesn’t acknowledge the previous editions, Part 6 and Part 7.

And now …

#21. You Are Now Ascending to the Fourth Circle of Hell …

Via Buzzhunt.co.uk

This looks like a bank of escalators seconds before they were buried under a lava flow, but it’s actually one of about a hundred decorated subway stations under Stockholm, Sweden, where the natural bedrock ceiling has been painted. Each station has its own design, earning them the title of world’s longest art gallery.

If nothing else, it has to make it a hell of a lot easier to figure out if you’re at the right stop.

Via Wikimedia Commons
“Hmmm … this has less magma than I remember.”

#20. The First Name the Aliens Will See …

Via Forbes

Yes, that’s a satellite photo, and yes, there really is a gigantic set of connecting canals spelling “HAMAD” in Abu Dhabi.

Oil sheik Hamad bin Hamdan Al Nahyan of Abu Dhabi is the douchebag who paid to have his name etched into the sand so that it would be visible from space. At least we know all that $4 per gallon gasoline we’re buying is helping to support a good cause.

Though maybe the biggest takeaway from this is realizing that at least one super wealthy oil sheik is a huge fan of The Tick.

Via Forbes
Admit it — you would have drawn a dong.

#19. This Makes Us Dizzy No Matter How Long We Look

Via Parisdailyphoto.com

We’ve previously covered perspective artwork in basically every previous episode in this series, but we never get tired of it. This one is located in Paris, and creating the illusion is actually way harder than what you think — the patch of grass isn’t level at all.

Via Making Of

What we love about this sort of thing is that to anyone standing in any other spot, it’s not at all clear why this weird grid appears in the middle of the city square. Then you stand at the end and your head spins trying to make sense of it.

Probably doesn’t seem worth it to the guy who has to mow that shit.

#18. Alright, Nature Is Just Screwing With Us Now

Via Guardian.co.uk

Oh, bullshit. Are we supposed to believe a bunch of flamingos all got together and stood in the shape of a flamingo?

Yes, unless you think National Geographic isn’t above just screwing with us for web traffic. Though we guess it’s possible that photographer Robert Haas and his team waded out into the water and carefully taped a bunch of flamingos together while a helicopter circled above, radioing down instructions. Or maybe he’s the Beastmaster.

#17. If Barry Bonds Juices in the Pros, I Should Be Able to in T-Ball

Via Allfunny-stuff.com

Oh, come on. You can even see where the chin has been grafted onto the neck. What, is this from some “stick your child’s head onto a muscle body” booth at the state fair? Or is this one of those deals where you stick your face through a hole from behind?

Nope, this ripped, Taylor Hanson lookalike is a 16-year-old Ukrainian named Richard Sandrak. While at 16 most of us were happy enough with our newfound ability to grow a peach fuzz mustache, this kid has a six pack that makes most professional athletes look flabby. We’re guessing the difference in skin tone between body and face is due to the liberal application of body oil.

#16. When Pavement Splits Like a Ribbon

Via Boston.com

No joking here, this perfectly split road is the aftermath of the massive earthquake in Japan earlier this year. The way the highway split exactly along the orange line is what makes most people call bullshit, but it’s even weirder than that — check out the perfectly straight break along the horizontal in the foreground. The newspapers that ran the photo offered no explanation as to why it’s possible for it to so cleanly split like that, so we’ll go with the numerous Internet commenters’ explanation that since roads are constructed and repaved one lane at a time, it creates a natural seam there. Sure, why not?

#15. “You Know What They Awoke in the Darkness of Khazad-dum …”

Via Archdaily.com

This photo will determine exactly what type of geek you are. Half of you will see it as the Mines of Moria in Fellowship of the Ring where Frodo and the gang were ambushed by orcs. The rest of you will think, “video game sewer.” It is in fact a giant flood control system in Saitama, Japan. Though when you see some of the other pics, it’s pretty much video game level all the way:

Via Archdaily.com

If you’re still calling fake, you can apparently book tours of the place if you want to see it in person. And by “it” we mean the Balrog.

#14. And I Bet Those Bastards Didn’t Cancel School

Via Genjutsu.es

This looks like some comical magazine advertisement for all-weather tires, in some magical land where the snow gets to be three times as high as a house.

But, no, for the third straight entry we are in Japan, where the laws of physics do not apply. Specifically, it’s Tateyama Kurobe Alpine Route, where they receive up to 20 meters of snow a year.

Via Nashvillewx.com

If you’re wondering how in the world they dig out those perfect lanes, it takes a backhoe, a giant snow blower and patience. Here’s a video:

#13. Harry Potter and the Curse of Hedwig’s Ghost

Via BBC.co.uk

This spectral owl is reported to be an actual imprint left by a tawny owl that crashed into the glass window of an Englishwoman’s home. Judging by the picture, it seems that owls must take a little roll around in a pile of cocaine before taking flight. Which would also explain their inability to avoid crashing directly into a house.

If you think the woman just painted that onto her window with flour or something in order to fool the news cameras, you’ll find that those kinds of white bird imprints are fairly common.

Via Spluch.blogspot.com

The white stuff is not in fact cocaine, but powder down, little bits of down feathers that many birds have piled up on their skin.

#12. God, Bored at a Meeting, With a Box of Highlighters

Via Dailymail

What looks like the work of an extremely unimaginative child and some Magic Markers are actually tulips, which are grown in Holland every spring and sold all over the world.

On one hand, it makes for a cool aerial photo. On the other, it says something about mankind that we take the world’s glorious, colorful beauty and immediately go about mass producing it in boring, perfect rows of clockwork efficiency.

Via Daillymail
“Those rows are not conforming! Destroy them!”

#11. If It’s Not Photoshop, It’s a Van Gogh

Via National Geographic

This shot doesn’t look so much like a Photoshop as it does a painting. It generated so much buzz that National Geographic actually had to track down photographer Frans Lanting in Africa to explain what’s going on in his photo for the people calling bullshit.

Basically what you’re seeing behind the trees isn’t the sky, it’s a sand dune (the white blotches are patches of white grass). The colors look off because the photo was taken at dawn, so the orange dune itself was bathed in light, while the foreground was still in shadow (that’s why the white clay of the foreground winds up looking blue, and the trees look like terrifying silhouettes).

#10. The Mountain Range With the Dragon Tattoo

Via Nevsedoma.com.ua

Virtually every aspect of this shot looks to be faked, from the reflections in the water to the variation in lighting across the countryside. Alas, it’s just a well framed photo of an actual lake in Portugal, which does in fact happen to very much resemble a giant blue dragon about to bite the hell out of that city.

Popularity: 2% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/hoQZ-KRDsWw/article_19392_21-images-you-wont-believe-arent-photosphopped-part-8.html

Satire

5 Insane New Uses for Old School Military Weapons

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 22 - 2011

Having a war is a little like having a baby; it requires massive stockpiles of all the best tools, toys and clothes to ensure the greatest chance of success, all the while knowing that the kid will outgrow everything within a year. War outpaces its own technology constantly and while the parents of a child can just carry the clothes and cribs to Goodwill after its all over, war leaves heaps of deadly equipment and weapons littered all over the world. Sadly, not even the Salvation Army will accept landmines.

The buckets just aren’t big enough.

Even though the military can use some of its old advancements as hand-me-downs to the general public, more often than not it’s stuck with massive amounts of rusting technology made obsolete by peace, or more likely, better technology. So what is everyone supposed to do with all the leftovers?

The solution could be as simple as finding other questions that this technology can still answer. Granted, the new uses for old technology are not always benign. These were, after all, weapons originally designed to tear, poke or melt people to death, so some of the solutions are equal parts evil and ingenuity. Still, it’s nice to see people recycle.

#5. Coming Home to a Nazi Bunker

After all the bodies and bullet casings were picked up from WWII and the reconstruction of small towns had started, Western Europe still had the problem of dealing with massive Nazi bunkers swelling out of the ground in cities and coastlines across the continent like concrete warts. The worst inflammation was, of course, in the heart of Germany and destroying something that was intended to withstand bomb attacks is understandably difficult and expensive. So for the most part, everyone just learned to tolerate them.

But within the last few years, Germany has started repurposing the old bunkers as houses and even as apartment complexes. Logically, it makes perfect sense: The bunkers are generally at the heart of most cities, and the design requires little upkeep because they are built to last longer than even pyramids. Aesthetically, however, there aren’t a lot of options for giving towers of death a warm touch.

Architects have come up with creative ways to carve out windows, build around the ugliness and generally dress up a blister as something other than a blister.

To their credit, some of the designs are really ingenious combinations of modern architecture and disaster-preparedness. In a few cases, it is nearly impossible to tell that it was ever a military bunker at all.

Several of them could easily be confused with hastily-made, postmodern architectural decisions, which, in the greater context is much easier to look at and live in than a monument to the one of the worst atrocities in human history.

#4. Chinese Police Carry Crossbows

The crossbow revolutionized warfare in the 4th century, but it became obsolete when militaries around the world discovered that gunpowder could do the same job a lot better. As a result, the crossbow became a novelty item, purchased only by weapons enthusiasts or hunters who ran out of exciting ways kill stuff.

But after collecting dust for centuries, China recently picked up the crossbow once again and handed it to their police officers.

“Your tags are expired.”

In cities around China, every level of law enforcement is rediscovering the advantages of a crossbow, from traffic cops to special units. In Xinjiang, riot police carry crossbows instead of beanbag guns and smoke bombs because China has no interest in messing around with nonlethal crowd deterrents when terrifying, medieval battle weapons are just as effective.

“What’s up now?”

Before anyone tsk-tsks the Chinese government for shooting at crowds with crossbows, you should know that these aren’t the usual burning-cars-and-looting riots we’re used to seeing. Granted, China has a bad history with breaking up mobs, but in this case the use of violence is warranted; China has a pretty significant terror problem on the boarders of Pakistan. The East Turkestan Islamic Movement is spilling across the border and introducing China to suicide bombing and improvised explosives. The primary advantage of using crossbows instead of guns against these attacks is that they allow police to shoot and kill anyone carrying an explosive while lessening the risk of detonation. So after thousands of years, the crossbow is coming out of retirement as a means to stop brand new bombs. As an added bonus, China is also fully prepared now for a full-scale vampire attack.

#3. Military-Grade Metal in Your Bones

The Cold War was a little like a 55-year-long game of Double Dare; Russia and the United States competed against each other in every asinine challenge and display of strength possible but neither took a moment for reflection to acknowledge how absurd they might have looked.

A whole thesis could be written on how much more gratifying it was to watch the Reds get slimed.

One of those challenges was stockpiling metal. Specifically, both sides hoarded as much titanium as they could find so the other side couldn’t have any. It was the super metal of the ’50s and ’60s for its high strength-to-weight ratio made it intrinsic to the experimental design of submarines, high-performance jets and even warheads. While the military is still dependent on titanium today for jets and ships, it’s interesting to see that science is now spending less time thinking about how the metal can be used to tear people apart, and more time thinking about how it can put people back together.

American and Russian scientists are working together turning weapons-grade titanium to into dental implants. The nanotitanium they are using is “stronger than conventional metal alloys, [and] integrates more quickly with human bone.” Researchers are starting with dental implants but intend to move into prosthetics as well. The technology is still nascent but the metal is stronger, lighter and lasts longer than any other metal implants doctors have ever used before. The healing process from a procedure is also a lot quicker because of how quickly bone fuses with the nanotitanium. I think we all know what the next logical step is.

Let’s not kid ourselves.

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/Yc9u_XvbSZA/

Satire

Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

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Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/-IWuiHv0hCc/

Satire

Area Man Guesses He Doesn’t Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

IOWA CITY, IA—After keeping the tab open for almost three hours, local man Nathan Marsten decided this afternoon he could probably shut down the MC Lyte Wikipedia page on his web browser. “I looked her up earlier because I got that ‘Cha Cha Cha’ song stuck in my head, but I feel like there’s really no need to keep it open at this point,” said Marsten, who learned from his scanning of the page that Lyte’s two older brothers are also hip-hop artists, and that they collaborated on some of her records. “If worse comes to worst, it’ll still be in my browser history. Or I could just Google her name again. It’ll literally take three seconds.” At press time, it remains unclear as to why Marsten has opted to keep the Wikipedia page on Tripoli open.

Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/rN8aopRdylg/

Satire

Statshot: Why Are We Holding A Microphone?

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

August 19, 2011 | ISSUE 47•33

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/IrTHyNLgfyU/

Satire

Dan Uggla

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

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Dan Uggla

August 21, 2011 |

Uggla’s 33-consecutive-game hit streak was the longest in the majors in five years. Is he any good?

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/KsM79221VJk/

Satire

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

This story originally appeared in the Damascus Herald-Star. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires. The harlot, area seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi, was witnessed in the act of removing her protective headgear and veil in the town marketplace, in plain view of the public.

According to witnesses’ reports, after exposing the men to her brazen display of wanton, uncensored sexuality, al-Qaawi rocked back and forth slightly, allowing her hair to blow gently in the mid-morning breeze, deliberately goading the men into thoughts of hell-spawned lustful abandon. Although she quickly replaced the shawl and veil, the damage had already been done.

Experts agree that in doffing her outerwear, the temptress was clearly in league with Satan. Witnesses reported experiencing feelings of rapture, awe and trembling admiration of her beauty, all known effects of succubi sent by Lucifer to suck Heaven’s virtue from the souls of men.

“Her hair shone with a thousand shimmering strands of purest gossamer, framing her lovely, nude face with a glory worthy of the raiments of Gabriel,” witness Rafiq al-Jabir said. “It was clear that she was a powerful succubus, a vassal of demonic spirits from beneath Hell.”

Al-Jabir then retreated to a private chamber to scourge his back with merciless flaying in an attempt to quell his spiritual pain.

The lust al-Qaawi provoked may have overcome and eternally corrupted the various men who could not avert their eyes in time to avoid glimpsing her exposed shame. Shortly after exposing herself, the harlot was stoned in the public square, saving the town’s souls from the risk of growing contamination at the hands of her lurid, sinful perversion of all that is holy.

Reports as of press time indicate that many of the witnesses’ wives and daughters are currently forsaking their usual regimen of duties and instead singing triumphant hymns of praise and adoration to He Who Rules On High in thanks for the harlot’s death.

“The hair, the face, even a slight wedge of skin below the neckline—nothing was left to the imagination,” one anonymous witness said. Shortly after seeing the shocking parade of scantily clad female flesh, the witness was overwhelmed by an intense compulsion to woo the woman, plying her affections with gifts of the finest ointments, vowing his undying devotion and forsaking all others, until the stoning began.

“Her mortal frame was a vessel for damnation’s temptresses to walk the earth in human form, leading the righteous away from God, and thus, needed to be brutally broken and cut down by the redemptive hand—the only kind of justice a harlot can know: sheer bloodletting,” said area rug trader Malik al-Faziz, who organized the impromptu stoning by pointing at al-Qaawi and shouting, “Harlot!” while brandishing a large rock until others came to his aid.

Reports indicate that so great was the temptation to sin caused by al-Qaawi’s disclosure that 30 or more men felt a need to purify themselves by participating in the woman’s stoning, which observers said took less than three minutes.

“I am very sorry that I am related to my late sister, henceforth disowned by my family and referred to only as She Who Cannot Be Named,” said al-Qaawi’s youngest sibling Yasmeen in a desperate attempt to restore family honor.

The harlot’s corpse has been dragged through the streets in accordance with the law and then cut into pieces and fed to crows by her sons, all of whom have written to the town elders begging that their mother’s depravity be forever stricken from all public record.

“It is true that we are but lowly whoresons,” a portion of their letter read, “but we pray that in God’s wisdom our grandchildren will not be known as whores-grandchildren.”

The Council of Elders is currently debating this request.

“Just seeing her face all naked made me wonder what else she had under those loose flowing robes. Arms? Legs? A writhing, painted torso? I am an unmarried man and have never seen a woman’s body—not even in the heathen overseas broadcasts of the demonic women’s gymnastics, about which horrible things I have heard whispered in the night,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous. “Yet, from this day forth even my fevered dreams will not be free of my beloved, trouncing trollop, trumpeting the siren song of Satan.”

No fewer than 15 stonings and beheadings are expected as a result of the incident. All those who will be killed are confirmed demons.

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10 Famous People Who Look Like Pets

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 22 - 2011

Published on Today 8/22/2011
under Misc
– by Beverly Jenkins

TAGS: look-alikes, celebrities, dopplegangers, pets

Flava Flav and a Gremlin

Okay, okay, we know that gremlins aren’t real… but we couldn’t resist including this pic anyway!
(Photo)

Tina Turner and a Chow Chow

(Photo)

Prince and a Miniature Doberman

(Photo)

Hitler Cat

There are so many cats who resemble Hitler that there’s actually a website called “Cats Who Look Like Hitler!”
(Photo)

Wilfred Brimley and a Cat

(Photo)

Dog The Bounty Hunter and a Lion

(Photo)

Mark Zuckerberg and a Sea Lion

(Photo)

Taylor Lautner and a Llama

(Photo)

Jack Black and a French Bulldog

(Photo)

Josh Hartnett and a Golden Retriever

(Photo)

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20 Amazing Look-Alikes

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The 5 Weirdest Things That Influence How Your Food Tastes

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 21 - 2011

We never get tired of optical illusions (particularly that mind-melting one with the gray squares) — it’s good to remind yourself that your senses can’t be trusted. But the one sense you’d think you could trust is taste — nobody is going to convince you that a hamburger is apple pie.

But, as with the other four senses, your taste is manipulated by a whole bunch of factors outside of your control. Like …

#5. What Your Mom Ate While You Were a Fetus

Obviously, the food you ate as a kid growing up will influence your tastes for life. But it starts earlier than that. In fact, the foods your mother ate while you were in the womb influence what your favorite foods will be.

Getty
As well as the food she bathed in.

The study on this was carried out by researchers from the not-at-all-evil-sounding Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, who had pregnant women drink a bunch of carrot juice while pregnant and then while breastfeeding (with various groups changing up when they drank it). The results? The kids whose mothers were given the carrot juice, regardless of the stage when they were given it, were less grossed out when fed a carrot-flavored cereal one month later.

Photos.com
“My mom only ate whiskey and corn nuts.”

And in fact, the kids whose mothers had carrot juice during both stages (during pregnancy and during breastfeeding) reportedly couldn’t get enough of the stuff. And this is freaking carrot juice we’re talking about here.

It makes sense in a way, considering the food your mom ate flavored both her breast milk and the amniotic fluid that surrounded you in the womb. Still, you’d think the residual carrot flavor would be imperceptible, having filtered through her body in the course of metabolizing it. You might like the taste of pork gravy but you wouldn’t want to go lick the sweat off of a guy just because he eats it every day.

Photos.com
Oh, come on, what’s suggestive about that?

But, science says you’re wrong. So go try it.

#4. The Label — Even If It Lies

It would be no surprise to find that, for instance, people think food in fancy packaging is better than something of equal quality that came in a box featuring a picture of a poorly drawn clown and Comic Sans font. That’s why artists and designers get paid, it’s why labels exist in the first place. But the influence a label has on the actual taste experience runs much deeper, and much weirder, than that.

First there’s the experiment that found that simply labeling a food — in this case, bologna — as low-fat will result in people rating it as tasting worse than the equivalent full-fat version. No low-fat food was used in the experiment at all, meaning that both times, the participants were actually eating the full-fat bologna, the stuff they’d presumably eaten at some point in their lives and should have been familiar with.

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“OK, now this one has the same fat content, but I shit on one half. Go.”

Even weirder, a study conducted in 2002 found that simply adding the name of a substance onto the list of ingredients was enough to make people taste it within the food they’re eating. Specifically, they gave the same nutrition bar to two groups, but for one group they added the word “soy” to the label (the bar had no soy in it). The soy label group thought their bars tasted much worse. They were almost four times as likely to say it had a weird taste than the group eating the exact same bar, only without that word on the label.

And those results hold up even when trying to filter out opinion — these people weren’t just asked if it tasted “good” or “bad.” The testers with the supposed soy in their bars complained that it had an aftertaste, the other group didn’t. The soy labellers also said the bar was “grainy.”

Photos.com
The phrase “poop-like” was used several times.

All of those tastes and sensations were perceived only because they had (apparently) been conditioned to equate soy with tasteless health food. So, seeing that word on the label literally made it taste that way.

#3. Background Noise

Imagine the fanciest possible restaurant. If you never go to places like that, picture one from a movie — white tablecloth, everyone has wine and there is soft, classical music playing in the background.

Now imagine a cheaper, family dining type place, like T.G.I. Friday’s. There’s loud pop music, often to the point that you can’t hear yourself think.

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On top of the table full of screaming kids, making you question your decision to never punch one.

Obviously these establishments are putting some thought into what they want their customers to hear. But why? Is it all about atmosphere? Not according to science. First, when you eat in places with high noise levels, you lose the ability to accurately gauge how sweet or salty your food is. It has to do with the way your brain is wired — continual loud noises whip the neurons of your ear up into such a rage that for no reason they stage an all-out assault on the weaker neurons of your taste buds.

A cynical person could say that restaurants with lower quality food crank up the noise so that you’re less likely to notice it, but we have no way of knowing that (maybe they just think the music adds to the “fun” atmosphere).

Photos.com
“One more Nickleback song and I’ll burn this place to the F*CKing ground.”

That’s not to say that the optimum eating experience means dead silence — otherwise that sad, lonely sandwich eaten quietly over the sink in your apartment wouldn’t taste so much like shame. Science agrees with those stuffy restaurants you were imagining at the beginning — if you pipe in music at a volume of between exactly 62 and 67 decibels (about the level that human conversations are held) the food served will be rated as tasting nicer than the exact same food served outside of this specific volume range. There, the music is just audible enough to arouse the senses, but low enough as not to overwhelm them (also, classical music works best). For the senses, the difference between soft and loud music is like the difference between an invigorating swim in a cool swimming pool and having somebody dump a bucket of ice water over your head.

All of this applies to drinking establishments too, by the way. Research found that your opinion of wine largely depends on what kind of music is being played while you drink it. Subjects changed their ratings of the wine by up to 60 percent depending on the soundtrack, which we’re assuming means you could open a joint selling prison-brewed toilet wine by the glass, as long as you played fancy music while people drank.

Photos.com
Nothing knocks a girl out like a ’68 Pruno.

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Satire

If Everything Operated on Rube Goldberg Logic

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On August - 21 - 2011

There’s nothing the Internet loves more than Rube Goldberg machines. They’re actually the perfect physical embodiment of corporations, the thing the Internet hates most, since they take as many steps as possible to get very simple tasks done.

We asked you to show us what it would look like if the world ran like that.

#19.

by LordKizzle

#18.

by JonChacon

#17.

by AuntieMeme

#16.

by MattMcG

#15.

by TheRandomOne

#14.

by Sulaco

#13.

by WetCoyote

#12.

by A_Beaux

#11.

by Simp

#10.

by maluba

#9.

by JonChacon

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Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On August - 21 - 2011

FORT WORTH, TX—Filling the voids of loneliness present in their respective lives, Robert P. Hughes High School science teacher Lorraine Belmont, 33, and sophomore Matthew Clark, 16, have reportedly begun a sexual relationship that observers have described as being actually somewhat endearing.

“I guess I should be weirded out by the fact that my teacher is getting it on with one of my classmates, but I have to admit, it’s kind of adorable,” said sophomore Stephanie Elmore, who is in Belmont’s honors chemistry class. “They both seemed so aimless and lonely that we were all, in a way, just really glad they found each other.”

“They’re a perfect match, frankly,” Elmore added.

Faculty sources described Belmont as a sweet woman, if a bit high-strung and plain-looking, who in the past has dated sporadically at best. Clark, meanwhile, has been characterized by his peers as a deeply introverted student who, while rarely bullied, never had many friends and was “just sort of there.”

But during the school’s summer session, Belmont was spotted dropping Clark off a few blocks from campus a number of times, and Clark has reportedly skipped Spanish class on several occasions in order to see Belmont during her planning period, an occurrence that witnesses described as being “undeniably heartwarming to watch.”

Despite the ethical problems Belmont and Clark’s relationship may pose, members of the school community said the clandestine affair is probably the best thing for the both of them.

“We were all worried Lorraine would never find anyone,” algebra teacher Willa Myers said. “My first impulse was to be upset about what she was doing, but the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just made sense.”

“She seems so much more upbeat these days,” Myers added. “She’s even wearing lipstick.”

Clark’s peers told reporters they have seen a notable shift in his personality since he began the relationship with his teacher.

“Matt really seems a lot more confident,” junior Brian Marshall said. “He’s got this glow about him I’ve never seen before. And, honestly, good for him. Maybe this will give him the validation he needs.”

While unable to publicly congratulate Belmont and Clark on their relationship, students and faculty have privately been giddy with excitement about the couple, with even the school’s administrators struggling to hide their smiles when they notice Belmont and Clark sneaking off during school assemblies.

“Every rule in the book says I should fire Ms. Belmont for abusing the teacher-student relationship, but it’s honestly just too charming of a story,” said the school’s principal, Marcus Wallace. “Of course, there is a 17-year age difference, but I challenge anyone to watch the two of them stare at each other from across the gym during a pep rally and tell me that true love isn’t real.”

Students even found it “kind of great” when Clark accidentally called Belmont “baby” in class last week, a slip of the tongue they said would have been creepy under any other circumstances, but just felt really sweet in that moment.

At press time, students and faculty had cleared out of the school cafeteria to give the happy couple some privacy.

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