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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Live: Congress Debates New Sex-Based American Dreams

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On May - 12 - 2011

As the host of FactZone, Brooke Alvarez is one of the world’s most recognizable news figures. Growing up in Russia, Brooke dreamed of being famous and powerful. She emigrated to U.S., erased all trace of her Russian accent within three weeks, and began her systematic ascent to the top of the news industry. The details of this rapid climb through the various lesser networks to end up at the Onion News Network was the subject of “The Devil Incarnate” a book refuted by Brooke as “the pathetic scrawlings of a bitter and jealous acne-scarred half-reporter.”

A prolific Twitter user, Brooke tweets 20 to 40 times a day, often while her guests are talking. She’s appeared as herself in more than a dozen motion pictures although there is some debate whether she understood that the words on her teleprompter were fictional and where they would eventually appear. Brooke owns five corgi dogs, her favorite food is kale, and she is married to author Thomas Pynchon.

Brooke is active in charity work, having formed a foundation to teach newscaster dialect to young urban teens. She’s politically motivated as well, publicly campaigning against wind farms whenever her schedule allows.

While the media has made much of her long-standing feuds with both Wolf Blitzer and Yo Yo Ma, Brooke insists she is easy to get along with as long as everyone understands their place.

Brooke stays healthy and happy by swimming 20 miles each day in the resistance pool in her office.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/8VAIij0z6tM/

10 Funniest Regretsy Listings

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On May - 12 - 2011


Published on 4/30/2011
under Misc
– by Beverly Jenkins
- 74,671 views


TAGS: handmade, crafts, art, wtf

Etsy is a site where you can buy handmade crafts, apparel, and artwork online. Some of the products there are gorgeous and well-crafted… but others are undeniably bizarre, which is why there is a popular website called Regretsy that’s dedicated to finding and mocking some of the weirdest Etsy items.

Read on to discover ten truly mind-boggling pieces of handmade… stuff.

Leather Floral Bib Necklace

Leather Floral Bib Necklace
This happens to our kid’s shirt when he tries to read in the car.
(Link | Photo)

Flower Rope Necklace

Flower Rope Necklace
Flowers? We thought they looked more like… well, you know.
(Link | Photo)

Crocheted Scrumble Cloche

Crocheted Scrumble Cloche
Just what you’ve always wanted — a hat that looks like a head wound!
(Link | Photo)

Wily Willy Gourd Birdhouse

Wily Willy Gourd Birdhouse
Poor Willie Nelson… what did he do to deserve this?
(Link | Photo)

Bib Statement Necklace

Bib Statement Necklace
Someone likes their hot glue gun.
(Link | Photo)

Coyote Neckeater Neckwarmer

Coyote Neckeater Neckwarmer
A coyote is eating my neck! Aaaaaaghhggh!
(Link | Photo)

Corn Poo Soap

Corn Poo Soap
Nothing says “class” more than a hunk of soap that’s shaped like a turd.
(Link | Photo)

Hermione Granger Doll

Hermione Granger Doll
Hermione Hairball, take 3 points from Gryffindor!
(Link | Photo)

Yellow Leather Halter

Yellow Leather Halter
So wrong. So… very wrong.
(Link | Photo)

Zombie Golden Girls

Zombie Golden Girls
Thank you for eating my brains!
(Link | Via | Photo)

Cosplay patchwork full head mask
by Rune from Norway on 4/30/2011
1 votes
Hohoho! Say no more.

Seller says: Cosplay patchwork full head mask made from off white cotton wit(…)
(Source)Cross Stich revival
by JD on 4/30/2011
1 votes

(Source)

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10 of the Dumbest Gadgets Ever Made

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Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97705.aspx

15 Craziest Hello Kitty Tattoos

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On May - 12 - 2011


Published on 5/1/2011
under Misc
– by Gracie Murano
- 83,724 views

Hello Kitty Bat Tattoo

Hello Kitty Bat Tattoo
It’s not so much about the bat design but the design’s location.
(Link)

Hello Kitty Jesus Tattoo

Hello Kitty Jesus Tattoo
You may think there is no way in Hell (Hello Kitty or otherwise) that anyone would ever get a Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo. Hello Kitty fanatics are wacko, but there is a line even they will not cross, right? See, a lot of people have had that delusion too, but it always proves to be wrong because fanatics of the evil feline don’t know what a line looks like that shouldn’t be crossed.
(Link | Via)

Hello Kitty Toe Tattoo

Hello Kitty Toe Tattoo
When you least expect it, bahn!, a Hello Kitty tattoo on your face (by Jayson McDaniel, ABT Tattoo Hampton, GA).
(Link)

Hello Kitty Darth Vader Tattoo

Hello Kitty Darth Vader Tattoo
Hello Kitty Darth Vader leads the way in strange combined memes. Now Darth Kitty has been enshrined forever in someone’s skin!
(Via)

Hello Kitty Hannibal Lecter Tattoo

Hello Kitty Hannibal Lecter Tattoo
Despite the terrible combo, I can understand why someone might think it is a good idea to place these two characters together. They both possess true evil that is unimaginable to most of us, and obviously the world would be a better place if Hello Kitty was restrained in this fashion. However, trying to equate Hello Kitty to Hannibal Lecter is just plain wrong because, quite frankly, the evil feline is so much worse. (Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs tattoo described by the man behind Kitty Hell).
(Link | Via)

Hello Kitty Skeleton Tattoo

Hello Kitty Skeleton Tattoo

Hello Kitty Riffle Tattoo

Hello Kitty Riffle Tattoo
Hello Kitty is cute? No, ma’m, she is armed and dangerous.
(Link)

Hello Kitty Jason Tattoo

Hello Kitty Jason Tattoo
Can someone explain to me what is there in common between sweet and innocent 5 billion worth Hello Kitty with scary Jason Voorhees?
(Link)

Hello Kitty Pikachu Tattoo

Hello Kitty  Pikachu Tattoo
Hello Kitty and Pikachu, together at last.
(Link)

Hello Kitty Forehead Tattoo

Hello Kitty Forehead Tattoo
Even when you’re ballsy/stupid enough to tattoo Hello Kitty on your forehead, it is not badass.
(Link)

Hello Kitty Butt Tattoo

Hello Kitty Butt Tattoo
What’s the deal with cute Hello Kitty tattoos located in not so cute places?
(Link)

Hello Kitty Lip Tattoo

Hello Kitty Lip Tattoo

Hello Kitty Afro Samurai Tattoo

Hello Kitty Afro Samurai Tattoo

Hello Kitty Skull Tattoo

Hello Kitty Skull Tattoo
Little skull and butterfly wings arm HK tattoo.
(Link)

Hello Kitty Munster Tattoo

Hello Kitty Munster Tattoo

Hello Pinhead!
by Gail on 5/2/2011
1 votes
Bad Idea Tattoo Of The Day: Hello Kitty as Pin Head from HellRaiser
(Source)Hello Kitty Axl Rose
by Gail on 5/2/2011
0 votes
GNR’s Axl Rose Meets The Evil Feline!
(Source)Henna Kitty burn
by Jim on 5/2/2011
0 votes
TWO children have won a £10,000 payout from holiday giant Thomson after henna tattoos at their resor(…)
(Source)See More Contributions…

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Osama’s Compound Gets Panned on Google


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Welcome to Ripley’s Sword-Swallowing, Glass-Eating Sideshow Contest

Lucky the Painproof Man Wins Ripley’s Sideshow Talent Contest

March and April’s Most Hilarious Mug Shots (VIDEO)


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13 Most Extreme Gadgets Inspired by Hello Kitty

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97714.aspx

12 Most Fearless Cleaners

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On May - 12 - 2011


Published on 5/2/2011
under Strange People
– by Gracie Murano
- 75,088 views


Petronas Towers cleaner.
(Link 1 | Link 2)


There goes a crazy granny.
(Link)


In 2005, five pressure washers filled with cold water were carefully aimed at the Mount Rushmore sculpture in a bid to clean its four enormous heads. The job took three weeks to complete.
(Link)


An intelligent chap, determined not to be beaten by the unreachable, rests his ladder on a ledge barely deep enough to hold it.


Nice support.
(Link)


This window cleaner works in front of the court during the second round match between Igor Andreev and Marin Cilic in the Monte Carlo Masters tennis tournament in Monaco. I hope he doesn’t get distracted by the match.
(Link)


At least he gets help!


In 2007, a team of workers hang in front of the Big Ben, bucket in hand, and clean the clock-face. In the next photo, a Mr. Larkin is lowered from the top of Big Ben to do the same job, but in 1930.
(Link)


There goes an underpaid maid.


You need nerves of steel to be a window cleaner in Dubai. When this worker spotted a mark on an apartment window, he just had to pop out to give the glass a quick wipe with a squeegee. Nothing odd about that – except that the apartment was located 400ft up on the 34th floor of a tower block in Jumeirah Beach, Dubai. He stepped out on to the narrow ledge and, holding the frame, stretched across to wipe away the annoying smudge. As he takes his life into his hands, at least he has the sense to hold on to the window frame, even if it is by his fingertips, as he goes about his task.
(Link)


Two stairs are always better than one, right?

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Osama’s Compound Gets Panned on Google


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Welcome to Ripley’s Sword-Swallowing, Glass-Eating Sideshow Contest

Lucky the Painproof Man Wins Ripley’s Sideshow Talent Contest

March and April’s Most Hilarious Mug Shots (VIDEO)


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World’s Most Dangerous Jobs

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97710.aspx

10 Funniest Badly-Translated Ads

Posted by Cha Cha Brown On May - 12 - 2011


Published on Today 5/12/2011
under Funny Signs
– by Beverly Jenkins



TAGS: mistranslations, engrish

When it comes to advertising, we’ve come a long way, baby. All of these marketing slogans and brand names were perfectly fine… in English. However, once they were translated into other languages they took on hilarious new meanings!

KFC

KFC
When American fast food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken opened their first restaurant in Beijing in 1987, they accidentally translated KFC’s famous slogan, “Finger-lickin’ good” to “We’ll Eat Your Fingers Off!” in Chinese.
(Link | Photo)

Coors

Coors
U.S. beer-making giant Coors apparently thought their slogan, “Turn it loose!” would translate to Spanish just fine. Unfortunately, “Turn it Loose” came out, “Suffer from Diarrhea” instead.

Frankly, if you’ve ever had Coors… this slogan isn’t too far off the mark.
(Link | Photo)

Clairol

Clairol
In 2006, hair care company Clairol introduced a curling iron called the Mist Stick, which did very well in U.S. markets. When the company marketed the product in Germany, however, they failed to realize that “mist” means “manure” in German. Oddly enough, the “Manure Stick” didn’t sell so well in Germany.
(Link | Photo)

Milk

Milk
The American Dairy Association was so successful with its “Got Milk?” campaign, that they decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation is “Are you lactating?”

Kind of a personal question, we think!
(Link | Photo)

Pepsi

Pepsi
Pepsi’s slogan “We bring you back to life” caused a bit of panic in China, where they read it as, “We bring your ancestors back from the grave.”
(Link | Photo)

Puffs

Puffs
Puffs brand tissues are quite popular in the U.S. A., however, their quest for global marketing ran into a few snags due to their name. In Germany, “Puff” is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. In England, a similar word,“Pouf,” is an offensive term for homosexual.
(Link | Photo)

Ford Pinto

Ford Pinto
The Ford Motor Company introduced the subcompact Pinto in 1971. The company couldn’t understand why they weren’t selling more cars in Brazil, until they learned that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.”
(Link | Photo)

Braniff Airlines

Braniff Airlines
In 1977 Braniff Airlines only meant to advertise the leather seats they’d installed in First Class, bheir slogan, “Fly in leather” translated for Spanish-speaking markets as, “Vuela en cuero,” which means “Fly naked.”

Let’s hope they at least bring a towel to sit on!
(Link | Photo)

Parker Pens

Parker Pens
When Parker Pen’s famous slogan “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you” was translated into Spanish, it confused many Mexican consumers who read it as, “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
(Link | Via | Photo)

Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke- la,” meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or the equally hilarious, “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko- le,” translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
(Link | Photo)

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Osama’s Compound Gets Panned on Google


Alaska Teen’s Ice Floe Voyage Ends in Arrest


Welcome to Ripley’s Sword-Swallowing, Glass-Eating Sideshow Contest

Lucky the Painproof Man Wins Ripley’s Sideshow Talent Contest

March and April’s Most Hilarious Mug Shots (VIDEO)


If you enjoyed this article, you might also like…
20 Funny Engrish Signs

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://www.oddee.com/item_97732.aspx

The 7 Worst Lessons 80s Cartoons Taught Us about Drugs

Posted by KrazyMan Knievel On May - 11 - 2011

The cartoons we grew up on were about men in fur underwear wielding magic swords. We didn’t expect them to teach us a lot about real-world problems. But either because of political pressures during the Reagan administration, or as a way to cover the fact that they were aggressively high while making it, many of them felt the need to include at least one anti-drug episode. These were exactly as informative as you’d expect.

Cartoons had two choices when portraying drug addicts: turn one of the main characters into an idiot or import one specifically to hook them on drugs. The creators of He-Man chose the second option harder than they get when they see shirtless men. Enter Teela’s friend Illeena, who is weaker than natural selection in John and Kate’s house and even more annoying to watch. Illena is visiting, and while everyone on Eternia has a stupid superpower, Illeena skips the middle man and sets about proving that stupidity can be its own superpower. Her first words are, “Are we there yet?” after the ship has already landed. We soon learn that her defense against minefields, magic spells and meeting friends is to sit down and whine.


She’s also the noble for whom a boob tube would be formal wear.

You’d cheer anything which changed her personality, up to and including decapitation. An evil wizard agrees and gets her hooked on a magic potion. He-Man, who secretly hides from his friends to inject magic strength-boosting power into his body with a pointy metal implement at least once every 27 minutes, disapproves. He also forcibly injects a friend against their will so that they can have a better time together, making him the Titanic Team-Up version of date rape.


Not pictured: consent.

He couldn’t have been more hypocritical if he’d started campaigning against fur and public nudity, and his brilliant plan is to call the dealer and start a fight. WARNING: THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY HE-MAN. Having defeated evil magic and common sense, He-Man then dares logic to kill him by staring directly at the camera and saying there’s no such thing as a magic solution to all your problems.


Fortunately, irony bounces off He-Man like lasers and homoerotic subtext.

In Galaxy High, aliens sent people to high school instead of anally probing them. Of course, if you’re the sort of person who fondly remembers Galaxy High, high school probably seems like the worse fate. This episode mocks both jocks and drugs, which is bad news for Doyle, a jock who takes drugs. The alien “Brain Blaster” drugstitute can make you brilliant at any one thing but criminally retarded at everything else.


What drugs looked like in 80s cartoons.

The Brain Blaster is dealt by Punk McThrust, the best (CENSORED) name ever accidentally given to a cartoon character. It reduces Doyle from idiot to criminal bum in about 15 minutes. Doyle then becomes convinced he needs one last hit to play in the Psyche Hockey Championship. Fortunately, his friends rescue him, throw away the Blaster, tell him to believe in himself and he finds that inside him all along was the power to have his ass handed to him in public. He is absolutely destroyed. No one has lost a public sporting event so humiliatingly since Spain entered healthy basketballers in the 2000 Paralympics.

But it magically works out when his opponent is revealed to be using a Brain Blaster, just like Doyle wanted to. Everyone in the championship was either on drugs or sucked. There is absolutely no middle ground. Winners DO Take Drugs — it’s just that they get caught and punished.

Getty
Update: nope.

At no point is being on drugs anything less than fantastic — it’s only not being able to afford the drugs or being caught that suck. When addicts would agree with your anti-drug episode it may have a few problems. Fortunately, kids were quickly cued into the fact that this space cartoon doesn’t cohere to real life since athletes actually surrender their awards and go to jail when caught.

Via 80s Cartoons.net
Anything to get them away from that audience.

It’s hard to talk seriously about drugs when you’re bright blue, living in a giant mushroom and have replaced 50 percent of your vocabulary with your own species’ name the same way stoners say “man” every second word. Which is probably why Smurfs got it ass-backwards with a drug that makes them work harder and also means wow we’re really talking about Smurf-cocaine here.

Via Costume Fail
In retrospect we should have suspected something.

Poet Smurf is hanging out by a babbling brook under the bole of an old oak tree, the Smurf equivalent of an inner-city ghetto, when an evil witch gives him the magic orb. This orb makes Smurfs work 10 times faster but also makes them terrible at their jobs. And when you’re named after your occupation, that’s a drug-fueled existential problem way more serious than “What’s it all really all about, Smurf?” When Grandpa Smurf confiscates the orb, it results in a Smurfian crimewave: a single count of breaking and entering. Well, “entering without asking” because Smurf doors don’t have locks. But that’s just as serious when your entire society depends on everyone A) being best friends and B) not doing anything hasty about how there’s only one girl.


Hefty Smurf tip: Giving the strong guy a tattoo saves you from learning to draw a different shape.

Discovering that his friends are addicted, Hefty Smurf destroys their supply and shouts at them. Demonstrating a very unSmurfy understanding of the real world, this doesn’t work and instead drives the Smurfjunkies into chemical slavery. That’s when Hefty singlehandedly attacks the witch’s stronghold. The addicts then smash up her magic crystals and Jokey Smurf blows her up with one of his “joke gifts” — or as we’d call it now, an IED. So the Smurf response to drug dealers is unrelenting violence, making Hefty the smallest, bluest Punisher in history.


And the only male smurf to ever inspire voyeurism.

GI Joe and COBRA discover “Spark” when a lunatic gets high and charges into a civilian airport armed with missiles and more drugs. GI Joe caught terrorists so often that he spent the entire decade fighting the same exact ones, and this episode is no exception. The drug-crazed airport attacker is none other than the Joe’s own Lt. Falcon, whom you might remember from other episodes as the team screw up. If there was a mistake to make, a female Joe to harass or drugs around, Falcon was on all three (until the woman punched him).


Lt. Falcon’s preflight checklist. When most people get high they don’t add “altitude” and “explosives.”

In this episode, he’s defeated by drug dealers, gravity and a door before Duke kicks him out of the Joes for being on drugs. Duke then rewards COBRA for not being on drugs and teams up with him, despite the fact that he’s still the evil terrorists he’s sworn to destroy. Every single other Joe is against this plan, and Bulletproof opts for a less drastic more sane option: advising Falcon to get help.


When your common-sense guy carries two live grenades at all times, you’re in trouble.

Nobody listens to Bulletproof’s logic, which is fortunate, because the combined Joe/COBRA force ends up fighting the greatest drug villain of all-time. The Headman looks like Miami Vice created their own Joker by knocking a villain into a vat of concentrated 80s, and is so evil and high that he cannot keep his voice the same tone, accent or volume for two consecutive syllables.

More proof from the 80s that you should shoot men with blond ponytails on sight.

The Headman takes on every single enemy next to his huge vat of drugs and he ends up overdosing and exploding. And then he’s dead. It’s the only official death in a series where everyone’s primary occupation was “Fire guns at each other.”


If you only have one death for the whole series, it might as well be Mr. Pedostache here.

To quickly recap: The Joes abandon their job, their morals, start hanging around with COBRA (GI Joe’s resident wrong crowd) and eventually kill someone for the first time, all because of drugs. For a group so violently opposed to drug addiction, that sounds a lot like being a violent drug addict.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/UDPCyp1hfi8/

UFO SPOTTED OVER VIRGINIA

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011

 

WISE, VA -  Jessica Gilliam, a WWN reader, has provided this eyewitness account of a close encounter with a UFO.

Here’s Jessica’s account:

“Last January my husband and I were driving back from my parents house.  We were driving by our local high school when we noticed a bright light in the sky. The light in the sky was so bright that it was noticeably not an airplane.   The light also had a cross shape too it.  We stared at the light for a moment and then I grabbed our cell phone too take a picture of it.

“The thing is our cell phone died, which was odd because it had been fully charged before.  Also the radio did not work at the time we saw the light.  We looked back to the light which then had taken a vertical dart to the left then it flew a little to the side and then darted back up into the sky until it vanished.  The light darted so fast it was almost if it were a ping-pong ball that darted  through the sky.”

We filled a report with the government agencies online the next day.  We almost wanted to forget about it after words because it frightened us that we could not figure out what it was, but the government agencies that we contacted would call non stop during the day and night.  We didn’t answer the phone because we almost did not want to seem like we were crazy but they continued to call non stop.

I know it seems crazy to be that paranoid but I am certain if the government thought it was nothing they wouldn’t have been calling like crazy…  I do not know if it is related or not but after that my husband and I have had nothing but bad luck if something would go wrong it would happen to us.

Our string of bad luck included me breaking my leg and having too have almost a completely new metal ankle, my husband getting hurt in the military and getting discharged, and two of our vehicles tearing up to the point of us having to get rid of them and one of the vehicles was brand new.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/32863/ufo-spotted-over-virginia/

WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses “the button” and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads.

Though the president confirmed his schedule was packed with security briefings, public appearances, and cabinet meetings, he said he couldn’t help but steal a few glances at the bright red button, which is “right there, staring at [him], all the time.”

Tuesday marks the 841st-straight day Obama has withstood the button’s powerful allure.

“I think I was closer to pressing the button today than I have ever been,” Obama said during a press conference from the White House Rose Garden, adding that he would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking about the button right at that very moment. “Let me be clear: I do not want to start a thermonuclear war. But knowing that I could at any moment, and that it would be so easy, well, it almost feels like I’m being tested or something.”

President Often Feels Button Put There ‘Just To Taunt’ Him

“Did you know that if you sort of put enough weight on the button with your fingertip, you can feel a little slack there before it actually clicks?” Obama added. “Thank you, and God bless America.”

According to Beltway insiders, it has taken everything in Obama’s power lately to distract himself from the button, which the president once told an aide is “sort of begging to be pressed, you know?” At one point Tuesday, Obama reportedly forced himself to stop glaring at the button by leaving his desk and staring silently across the White House lawn, only to return seconds later to gaze at it some more.

Obama has also been overheard asking White House staffers if they weren’t just the least bit curious what would happen if he just waltzed in there right now and pushed it.

“I don’t want to unleash Armageddon,” said Obama, adding that there is a 50-50 chance he won’t be able to get through his next day in office without pressing the button at least once. “But it’s hard not to dare myself to do it. It’s like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, taking it all in, and I’m one millisecond away from saying to myself, ‘F*CK it, Barack. Just jump.’”

“Bravo-Delta-five-seven-three-Delta-Charlie-zero-two-Tango-Tango-eight-one-six-Echo-Foxtrot-zero-zero-nine-four-nine,” Obama continued. “Those were the launch codes as of three minutes ago. They constantly change, but I memorize them.”

Sources told reporters that when Obama first took office, the thought of pressing the button and launching thousands of ICBMs only crossed his mind two or three times a day. Two-and-a-half years into his term, however, the button consumes him at all times, whether he is watching basketball, playing with his children, or lying in his bed at night. During a deficit-reduction meeting last Monday with House Speaker John Boehner, the president’s index finger was reportedly resting on the button the entire time without his even realizing it.

“Apropos of nothing, the president approached me one day and said, ‘Think about it: There is a button 3 feet away from me, that I, a human being, could press and virtually end the human race. Tell me you wouldn’t be slightly tempted to push it,’” Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) said. “Then the president said he often wondered if the exploding bombs would look like a movie in which dozens and dozens of mushroom clouds rise from Earth and can be seen from outer space.”

“The way he talked about it, I think I would have pressed it by now, honestly,” Conrad added. “Jesus, I’m breathing faster just thinking about it.”

Historians have noted that a strong desire to press the button is not uncommon among U.S. presidents. After just one year in office, Jimmy Carter wrote in his diary, “You don’t leave a man alone in a room with a button like that,” and two years later the pages were simply covered with the word “button” over and over again. In 1974, Richard Nixon rapidly pressed the button 12 times just prior to his resignation, but Pentagon officials had already disconnected its triggering mechanism.

At press time, large-scale nuclear explosions had been confirmed in Pyongyang, Beijing, Moscow, Tehran, and Washington, D.C. 

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/vbwIs5-OvMU/

American Voices: Gingrich Announces Candidacy

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011

<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –>

Gingrich Announces Candidacy

May 11, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•19

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich is announcing he will run for president in 2012. What do you think?

  • Oh, that probably means he’s also in the market for a new wife. It’d be great if you could put a good word in for me. I’m disease free.

    Lacey Hicks
    Bell Captain

  • They’re going to have a hard time filling his position as Liberty University’s Dean of Rapacious Self-Indulgence.

    Chris Barrow
    Systems Analyst

  • Now I finally know what he was getting at all those times over the past few months when he talked about running for president.

    Sam Demps
    Looper

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    05.10.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they’re 21.

  • Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists

    05.09.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings.

  • California Has Nation’s Worst Air

    05.06.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    According to an annual survey by the American Lung Association, California cities have the worst air quality in the United States.

  • U.S. Sets Tornado Record

    05.05.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week.

  • Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

    05.04.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit.

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/afihFnslMKg/

Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011

TACOMA, WA—Calling him “quick” and “very clever,” local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man. “It’s like having a stand-up comedian in your living room,” said Palmer, adding that the entertaining 13-year-old boy cracks her up with both his funny skits and his “spot-on” impression of Regis Philbin. “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff!” According to reports, Palmer has told her nephew that he should send in some of his jokes to Saturday Night Live.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/MtFNTf-jz-E/

WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday. “Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation. “Just to set the record straight: Navy SEAL are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.” Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/8iE-d1TCpEk/

Infographic: The Post-College Job Hunt

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011

The Post-College Job Hunt

Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent. Here are some of the ways graduating seniors are getting a leg up:

  • Applying at places they happen to walk by and get a good feeling about
  • Getting the phone numbers of the 500 biggest companies in the United States; calling them and screaming, “ARE YOU HIRING?”
  • Practicing handshake with boss doll at home
  • Packaging resumé with a free iTunes download
  • Lurking at Chinese lunch buffet to find out what people with jobs talk about
  • Putting up “Josh Needs Work” fliers in their area and expecting support, not laughter, you guys
  • Googling “How to get a job”
  • Comping extra slice of cheese on sandwich of anyone who looks as if they might be hiring

Popularity: 1% [?]

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/1iUIlM9udgg/

10 Most Amazing Flashmobs

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011


Published on 5/3/2011
under Misc
– by Nora Vega
- 74,099 views

A flashmob is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and sometimes seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment and/or satire. Flashmobs are organized via telecommunications, social media, or viral emails. The term, coined in 2003, is generally not applied to events and performances organized for the purposes of politics (such as protests), commercial advertisement, publicity stunts, that involve public relation firms, or paid professionals.

Glee Flashmobs Hit, in Seattle

Glee Flashmobs Hit, in Seattle
If you were out and about in Seattle in this April, you might have encountered more dancing and music than expected. You can thank the TV show “Glee” and Seattle’s propensity for flash-mob participation for that.

“Glee” flash mobs broke out in several spots around the city on Sunday, April 10th in the afternoon.

(Link)

Supermarket Flashmob, in Manchester

Supermarket Flashmob, in Manchester
On 14th March 2007, around 50 people attempted a mass freeze frame in a Manchester supermarket lasting four minutes. Five cameras captured the event.

(Link)

Flashmob for Pregnant Women Breakdancing in London

Flashmob for Pregnant Women Breakdancing in London
If you think this is dangerous, try giving birth in poor countries without a midwife, hospital or medicine. This flashmob is one of a series happening in Paris, Berlin, Utrecht and across Canada in 2008 to highlight the scandal that millions of women in poor countries and around the world aren’t getting the healthcare they need for a safe and healthy pregnancy.

(Link | Via)

Bollywood Hero Flashmob in Times Square

 Bollywood Hero Flashmob in Times Square
On August 4th, 2009, dozens of Bollywood dancers suddenly began to dance in the middle of Times Square to support Bollywood Hero, a 3 part mini-series on IFC. Bollywood Hero stars Chris Kattan, Neha Dhupia, Pooja Kumar and the show’s choreographer Longinus Fernandes (Slumdog Millionaire) were in attendance.

(Link)

Beyonce’s 100 Single Ladies Flashmob Piccadilly Circus in London

 Beyonce's 100 Single Ladies Flashmob Piccadilly Circus in London
100 Single Ladies stopped traffic with Beyonce’s famous leggy dance in Piccadilly Circus, to celebrate the announcement by Trident of its free Beyonce gig in November of 2009.

(Link)

13.957 People Dancing Thriller in Mexico

13.957 People Dancing Thriller in Mexico
Thousands of Michael Jackson’s Mexican fans have won the world record for most people to dance to the song “Thriller” simultaneously in one place. Jamie Panas of Guinness World Records says that 13,597 people performed the dance routine on Aug. 29 of 2009, which would have been Jackson’s 51st birthday. The fans, many dressed as zombies, danced to “Thriller” in Mexico City led by a Michael Jackson impersonator in sunglasses, a sequined black jacket and a white glove.

(Link)

Flashmob Beach in Australia

 Flashmob Beach in Australia
Over 100 dancers surprised Bondi Beach with a Flashmob on Sat, Nov 14th 2009, organised by DJ Dan Murphy and starring one of Australia’s most famous delicious drag queens – Joyce Maynge.

(Link)

Flashmob Dance at Central Station in Sydney

Flashmob Dance at Central Station in Sydney
Flashmob for charity surprised train commuters. ‘The Move Movement’ is a charity program developed by the Westmead Medical Research Foundation (WMRF) that promotes a healthy active lifestyle, in the prevention of diseases. The ‘Make Your Move’ flashmob event was organised by the Event Management students from the Ultimo College and filmed by the Film and Television (screen) students from Randwick College, TAFE NSW Sydney Institute.

(Link)

Flashmob Waka Waka in Piazza Duomo, Milano

 Flashmob Waka Waka in Piazza Duomo, Milano
The Italian fans of Shakira staged a flashmob in honor of the hymn of the World Cup 2010 – Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) by Shakira In 19/06/2010. In this video you can see the dress rehearsal in the morning in Piazza Duomo, where the tourists were also involved.

(Link)

Black Eyed Peas – “I got a feeling” Oprah Chicago Flashmob- Oprah’s 24th season

Black Eyed Peas -
During The Oprah Show’s 24th season kickoff party in 2010, Harpo staff and more than 20,000 people pulled off a massive surprise for an unsuspecting Oprah. The entire crowd performed a choreographed piece to the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Got a Feeling,” and Oprah was not only shocked, she was thrilled! Award-winning director Michael Gracey says the interaction between the Black Eyed Peas and the crowd is what made the flash mob so extraordinary.

(Link | Photo)

HP Headquarters Dynamite/Firework Flashmob
by JD on 5/9/2011
1 votes
Selection from the HP Employee Appreciation Day in Plano, TX. Choreographed by John de los Santos
(Source)St. Patrick’s Day Irish Dance Flashmob
by Sarah on 5/5/2011
1 votes
Awesome Irish Dancing including members of Riverdance and school children in spectacular Central Sta(…)
(Source)Hammertime flash mob
by Elizabeth on 5/4/2011
0 votes
lots of people wearing huge gold trousers hit a store
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10 Coolest Hidden Doors and Secret Passageways

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011


Published on 5/4/2011
under Cool Home Design
– by Gracie Murano
- 95,211 views

Home Theater Ticket Booth Hidden Door

Home Theater Ticket Booth Hidden Door
If you are big fan of unique hidden doors and cool home theaters, the Home Theater Ticket Booth Door from Creative Building Resources (CBR) combines the best of both worlds. CBR’s elaborate hidden door features a programmable, scrolling LED sign built into the top of the frame, while the interior of the hidden door functions like your traditional ticket booth, complete with recessed lighting. On the front of the ticket booth, a detailed wood inlay displays the high level of craftsmanship involved in constructing this hidden passageway, although we’d recommend ditching the frosted comedy and tragedy faces on the front ticket booth glass. For those who intend to staff the ticket booth, or at least fill it with a costume-draped dummy, the interior is accessed through a full sized cabinet door at the back. As this hidden door is a custom creation from CBR, we’d recommend ordering yours to match your own home theater decor.
(Link | Via)

Bookcase Hidden Door

Bookcase Hidden Door
The room showed above is one couples’ unusually creative gift to their very excited teenage daughter. The bookcase, holding rows of books, a stuffed dachshund and a volleyball, silently swung outward, revealing a tiny, well-lighted room. Containing a desk, a chair and a laptop computer, it serves as her study area.
(Link)

Staircase Hidden Door

Staircase Hidden Door
When Louise Kircher, a retired teacher, and her husband, Dennis, a former accounting manager at Boeing, moved into their year-old, 4,300-square-foot contemporary home in Mesa, Ariz., the staircase in the master bedroom was something extra that came with the house. It rises to reveal a hidden room, where she and her husband store an antique bedroom set and a replica of a gilded mummy’s coffin. A remote control amazingly lifts an entire staircase out of the way revealing the hidden passage.
(Link)

Drawer Hidden Vault

Drawer Hidden Vault
To make sure your hidden door stays hidden, Creative Home Engineering offers a number of non-traditional hiding machines. Sure, they’ve got the standard revolving bookcase and sliding wall panels. But, the company also constructs hidden doors from grandfather clocks, fireplaces, paintings, stairwells, and other household fixtures. They also offer an option that allows your hidden door to double as a vault door, so your valuables stay double protected. Priced from $5-$250K, you’ll probably want to make sure you’ve really got something big to protect to make the purchase worth your while. But, even if you don’t, Creative Home Engineering claims that a quality hidden door can make a solid investment from an appreciation standpoint.
(Link)

Mat Hidden Wine Cellar

Mat Hidden Wine Cellar
Ever wanted a wine cellar but didn’t have the space or money to build one? The Spiral Cellars design/build firm will dig a hole right in whatever room you want your cellar in and haul the dirt right out the front door. In the remaining void they infill a highly functionally and visually dazzling spiral-staircase wine cellar to fit all your favorite vintages and go with your favorite funky furniture designs. The cellars are kept at ideal temperatures, insulated on the sides and top. Cool air is piped in and warm air is piped out. Even when no air flow is needed for temperature purposes it is kept moving to keep the air fresh. Customers have had these installed in all kinds of ways, from flush- and hidden-door versions to entrances that intentionally boast their presence.
(Link | Via)

Narnia-like Wardrobe Hidden Playroom

Narnia-like Wardrobe Hidden Playroom
This wardrobe is actually a secret entrance to a playroom. The owner of the house had the wardrobe and figured he might as well add a touch of magic to the house for a pretty amazing result. Sorry, lion and witch sold separately. Still, the stage is set much like many of us imagined when we read the children’s classic as kids: a dark-painted room with wood-trimmed windows and antique wooden furniture, with a large dresser that looks strangely both foreboding and inviting.
(Link)

Fire place Hidden Door

Fire place Hidden Door
Also another creation from Creative Home Engineering.
(Link)

Staircase Hidden Door

Staircase Hidden Door
(Link)

Victorian Façade Hidden Garage

Victorian Façade Hidden Garage
McMills Construction approached Beausoleil Architects for help installing a garage in the bottom floor of a property on Oak Street in San Francisco’s Upper Haight district in order to maximize the tenant’s rent. By hiding the space behind a retractable facade indistinguishable from the rest of the historic Victorian apartment house, they were able to avoid running afoul of the city planning department strict appearance codes.

(Link | Via)

Painted Wall Hidden Door

Painted Wall Hidden Door
(Link)

bookcase hidden door
by Adhiraj on 5/4/2011
2 votes

(Source)

Anne Frank Bookcase
by Emily on 5/4/2011
1 votes

(Source)

Capo’s Italian Steak House, Las Vegas
by Jeffrey on 5/4/2011
1 votes
You walk through the front door to a bigger closet shaped room with a big red door… it is the door(…)
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10 Most Bizarre Judges in Court

Posted by admin On May - 11 - 2011


Published on 5/5/2011
under Strange People
– by Gracie Murano
- 62,774 views

The US judge who jailed a man for yawning in court

The US judge who jailed a man for yawning in court
In 2009, a no-nonsense judge jailed a man for six months for yawning loudly in his courtroom and locked up another after his mobile phone rang during a hearing.
Circuit Judge Daniel Rozak sentenced Clifton Williams to six months jail for yawning loudly when the judge sentenced his cousin to two years probation. The cousin walked out but Clifton didn’t, and he had to spend three weeks behind bars. The prosecutor in the case said Clifton’s yawn wasn’t routine and was a “loud and boisterous” attempt to disrupt the courtroom. But a Tribune review of contempt of court charges over the past decade shows Rozak jails people on contempt charges more frequently than any other judge in his county. Rozak was responsible for more than a third of all contempt charges laid by 30 judges in the 12th Judicial Circuit over the past 10 years. Those jailed were typically spectators whose cell phones rang or who screamed or shouted profanities during sentencing.
(Link | Via)

The judge who ducted tape to keep noisy defendant’s mouth shut

The judge who ducted tape to keep noisy defendant's mouth shut
Also in 2009, a Judge got fed up with repeated interruptions from a robbery suspect so he ordered a deputy to put duct tape over the defendant’s mouth to shut him up. Municipal Court Judge Stephen Belden says the taping was the best way to restore order at a hearing for 51-year-old Harry Brown of Canton after the defendant argued with despite being ordered to be quiet. Brown complained that his court-appointed attorney wasn’t prepared and angered the judge, in Canton, Ohio, US, with his interruptions. After a warning, the judge told the bailiff to tape Brown’s mouth shut. When the tape was removed, the defendant said the judge wasn’t being respectful. The judge ended the hearing and sent the case to a grand jury.
(Link | Via)

The judge who ordered a man suing his parents for allowance to move out and find a job

The judge who ordered a man suing his parents for allowance to move out and find a job
The parents of a 25-year old man in Spain told him to either look for a job or they would stop paying him $588 in monthly allowance. Then they followed through on their threat. So the young man sued them in court. The judge dismissed his complaint and ordered him to move out of their home and find a job. The judge said the man was studying law, albeit at a slow rate, and would probably not complete the degree for several years, but he thought he was still capable of finding some kind of work.

The situation at the home had seriously deteriorated with the parents claiming their son had physically and verbally assaulted them. The man’s mother works in a restaurant while his father works for a garbage collection firm. In Spain it is not unusual for offsprings to remain living with their parents until well into their 30s, a trend strengthened by a tough labor market where the youth unemployment rate is 40.5%, the highest in the European Union.
(Link | Via)

The judge who passed a sentence over the phone because the defendant was late to court

The judge who passed a sentence over the phone because the defendant was late to court
A driver stuck in traffic on his way to court was sentenced by a judge – over his mobile phone. The judge didn’t want to incur more costs by adjourning the case. Aftab Ahmed, 41, called his lawyer as the case started and explained he was going to be late. Judge Caroline Ludlow decided to continue because she had a full diary and had to sit in a county court later in the day. She had already ruled out a prison sentence on Ahmed, who admitted a charge relating to his bankruptcy. First, Judge Ludlow told Ahmed’s lawyer, Kevin McCarthy, to call him and check he was not breaking the law by using his mobile while driving. After hearing mitigation from Mr McCarthy, the judge rang Ahmed again and sentenced him to 140 hours of community service with £750 costs. Ahmed, of Bury St Edmunds, was stuck in stationary traffic for two hours on the A14 in Suffolk before police got vehicles to turn round. The clerk of Ipswich Crown Court, Rachel Bonner said: “The judge didn’t want to incur more costs by adjourning the case.”
(Link | Via)

The judge who jailed own worker for typing too slowly

The judge who jailed own worker for typing too slowly
In a bold strike for the forces of justice, a judge in Florida has jailed his own court stenographer for working too slowly. Circuit Judge Charles Greene sent Ann Margaret Smith to prison for contempt of court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, after she failed to finish typing a transcript needed for an appeal hearing for a convicted rapist.

To be fair, Greene did point out that Smith had failed to finish the transcript for several months now, and that she had been given a final deadline– which she missed. She then also failed to write up the transcript in time for her appearance on contempt of court charges.
Smith was eventually released from jail, after she told judge Greene that she couldn’t do the work in prison because she was so worried about her three children at home. The judge then relented, and allowed her out of jail – but immediately put her under house arrest until she completes the work. Smith currently has around 400 pages of the 1,500 page transcript to go.
(Link)

The judge who used her twin sister to impersonate her on court so she could be double-booked

The judge who used her twin sister to impersonate her on court so she could be double-booked
An unusual case in Italy rested on an allegation of double trouble: identical twin sisters were prosecuted for a long-running scam in which one allegedly filled in for the other at work. Gabriela Odisio, a lawyer and part-time judge from Magenta, allegedly used her sister Patrizia to impersonate her when she was double-booked, allowing her to draw fees for being in two places at once. When Patrizia appeared in court as Gabriela, wearing her robe, the impersonation was perfect. They are absolutely identical and are said to know everything about each other’s lives so were allegedly able to fool everyone around them for years. The quality of Patrizia’s advocacy was evidently never questioned.

Their ruse was only discovered after they were overheard discussing their plans by a client.
(Link | Via)

The judge who tried himself, convicted himself and then released himself for good behavior

The judge who tried himself, convicted himself and then released himself for good behavior
In 1874, Francis Evans Cornish, while acting as a magistrate in Winnipeg, Canada, had to try himself on a charge of being drunk in public. He convicted himself and fined himself five dollars with costs. But then he stated for the record: “Francis Evans Cornish, taking into consideration past good behavior, your fine is remitted”.
(Link)

The judge who got fired for consulting his imaginary mystical dwarves during sessions

The judge who got fired for consulting his imaginary mystical dwarves during sessions
A judge has lost his job in the Philippines, on the grounds that he regularly consulted with imaginary mystical dwarves who would join him in ‘healing’ sessions. Judge Florentino Floro, from Manila, was originally removed from his post, after it emerged that he believed himself to be psychic, and that he would begin his court session with readings from the Book of Revelation. In appealing that decision, Judge Floro mounted a staunch defense of the existence of his three dwarf friends – who were named Armand, Luis and Angel – telling the court in a letter that they had made a covenant together.

‘From obscurity, my name and the three mystic dwarves became immortal,’ he added. In addition to the mystical dwarves, Judge Floro also reportedly believed that he was able to foresee the future, that he could inflict pain on others, and that he was the angel of death. He would change his judicial robes from blue to black every Friday to recharge his psychic powers. The court found that he was unable to carry out his duties due to ‘mental unfitness’, adding that this could ‘erode the public’s acceptance of the judiciary as the rational guardian of the law.’ Armand, Luis and Angel were unavailable for comment.
(Link 1 | Link 2)

The judge who got fired for jailing all of the 46 people present at the court

The judge who got fired for jailing all of the 46 people present at the court
A judge in the US was removed from the bench for jailing 46 people after none of them would admit to having a cell phone that began ringing during his court session. Judge Robert Restaino, of Niagara Falls, New York, ‘snapped’ and ‘engaged in what can only be described as two hours of inexplicable madness’ during the 2005 session.

Restaino, who became a full-time judge in 2002, was hearing domestic violence cases when a phone rang. ‘Everyone is going to jail,’ the judge said.’Every single person is going to jail in this courtroom unless I get that instrument now. If anybody believes I’m kidding, ask some of the folks that have been here for a while. You are all going.’ When no one came forward, the judge ordered the group into custody and they were taken by police to the city jail, where they were searched and packed into crowded cells. Fourteen people who could not post bail were shackled and bused to the Niagara County Jail, a 30-minute drive away.

Later in the afternoon, after being told reporters were calling, the judge ordered the defendants released. The judge told the state panel he was under stress in his personal life.
(Link | Via)

The judge who sued the city for $1m after slip-up in court

The judge who sued the city for $1m after slip-up in court
A New York judge is suing the city for $1 million (£500,000) after slipping on a freshly-mopped floor in his own court. Supreme Court Justice Jack Battaglia is even targeting the courthouse cleaning lady who wielded the mop, according to legal papers.

Judge Battaglia, who broke a knee in the accident, accuses the city of “negligently using a mop bucket and wringer” and “negligently using a mop and soapy water” to create a “dangerous and hazardous traplike condition”.
(Link | Via)

Woman gets jury duty for life after racist remarks
by leo on 5/9/2011
0 votes
An woman in New York City was to be in the jury for the trial of a mob boss put down that she
disli(…)

(Source)Rape = Handshake
by Ivan Tadin on 5/6/2011
6 votes
In 2005, a businessman, Joso Mraovic, in the town of Gospic, Croatia, where Jarrett was staying in a(…)
(Source)Judge Jeans
by Jessica on 5/5/2011
1 votes
The judge who thought his lost dry cleaned jeans were worth $67m
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12 Most Ridiculous Lawsuits

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