Team No Fat Chicks

Please click the link above to see the Squad’s favorite wrestling team, Team No Fat Chicks!

Popularity: 2% [?]

Upon being named to the All-American team by the Associated Press, UConn’s Maya Moore and Tina Charles decided to call-out Kentucky’s John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins. Charles and Moore said that the women’s tourney doesn’t present enough competition and roughness for them. As a result, they decided to challenge the two Men’s All-American All-Stars to a two-on-two match after the Huskies’ tournament win. Sounds like the UConn girls are getting a bit conceded.

John Wall has refused to comment on the challenge, but DeMarcus Cousins responded by saying, “I’m not gonna lie, these women are tough. I wouldn’t be surprised if they would be able to defeat us. Tina and Maya have a great future ahead of them in the WNBA. I hope the same is for me and John next year. Oops!”

Looks like Cousins spilled the beans on this one and declared that John Wall and him will enter the NBA Draft. Does that scare the women? Absolutely not. They have presented the idea to the NCAA committee to consider this as an official game. If this is approved, the Huskies could make their winning streak even longer and more impressive.

Coach Calipari boldly stated that “Moore and Charles should avoid this for their own good.” Moore responded by flexing and doing the John Wall dance.

These women are fearless. The Wildcats’ Wall reassured that statement and tweeted, “I will not comment on the challenge, but will say that these women are beasts.”

According to Tina Charles the following will be the guidelines for the match:

• The free-throw line will be moved in five feet for the Kentucky men.
• Medical assistance will be on the court’s sidelines and will follow Wall and Cousins across the court on every play.
• Charles and Moore will play shoeless and will have ten pound weights around their ankles.
• Wall and Cousins will be allowed to call timeouts to repair their wheelchairs after the first quarter.
• The last five minutes of the final quarter will be played blind-folded by the Huskies’ women.

If the men win, the women will be required to make Wall and Cousins a six foot sandwich for each member of the Wildcats. If the women win, Wall and Cousins will have to have the faces of Maya and Tina tattooed on their arms with the words “Beat by a Girl.”

If Wall decides to back out of the challenge he will be considered a “chicken” by Moore and will live the rest of his life with that upon his back. Like so many times during the season, the game is on Wall’s shoulders. Will he come through?

Source:  http://bleacherreport.com/articles/371086-moore-and-charles-call-out-kentuckys-wall-and-cousins-satire

Popularity: 11% [?]

One of our other sites, www.wrestling911.com just broke some of its own records.  We had over 25,000 visitors this month!  That is a new high.

Congrats to all of those people involved!

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Geno Auriemma’s UConn Huskies won their 71st game in a row Monday night, establishing a new NCAA record. But the fact that the victory came against a women’s team did little to silence the program’s many critics. “I’m not sure what more we can do,” said Auriemma. “We can only play the teams that are on our schedule.” But a close examination of the 71-game streak shows that every one of UConn’s opponents has been a women’s team. In fact, Auriemma hasn’t defeated a men’s team — of any caliber — in his entire career coaching career. “Hey, congrats to Geno,” said UConn men’s head coach Jim Calhoun. “But all 14 of the losses my team has had this year we can be proud of. At least we are challenging ourselves.”

Source – SportsPickle.com

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For two weeks every four years, Olympians dominate the world stage. But then they quickly fade back into oblivion. What became of all the stars of the Vancouver Olympics after the Games ended?

SportsPickle takes a look.

- – - – -

Evgeni Plushenko – Russia: figure skating

Plushenko continued to live in denial over his silver medal. He later became President of the Soviet Union, led the nation to a resounding defeat of the United States via superior figure skating jumps, flew to Neptune on the back of a unicorn, and deep down inside knew that everyone totally envied his rad haircut.

Johnny Weir – USA: figure skating

After 25 years of being made fun of, Weir decided to step in line and bought a bunch of cheap, ill-fitting jeans, a few plaid shirts, and some baseball hats. Today he works at a steel mill and plays third base for the company softball team. Good for him!

Shani Davis – USA: speed skating

The Chicago native used his own money to build inner city speed skating rinks in cities throughout the country, hoping to earn back his money via rink memberships, lessons and ticket sales to speed skating events. He went bankrupt.

Shaun White – USA: snowboarding

After winning gold in the men’s halfpipe, White went on to stomp an endo on a flippy mix trip top double McRondo with a tight stack hitch triple rex. He later tricked a stoked quad mac on a hemi track triple purple slide over tap double lexicon, which he still does to this day.

Kim Yu-na – South Korea: figure skating

Kim continued to skate and win championships. In 2027, despite years of efforts from her trainers and handlers to prevent it, she hit puberty. Luckily it came at the beginning of a long routine in Stars on Ice, and by the time the routine was over, menopause had begun, allowing her to keep her girlish figure.

Evan Lysacek – USA: figure skating

Lysacek continued skating. To a younger generation, he is probably best known for the song “What Would Evan Lysacek Do?”, featured in a 2021 irreverent animated movie.

Lindsey Vonn – USA: skiing

Vonn continued skiing along with fellow American medalist Julia Mancuso. One day, while skiing in Vail, they both collided so hard they knocked each other out. Also, the impact was so violent all of their clothes flew off. Luckily, I was there on vacation. So they’re laying there naked in the snow and I give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. They both wake up and are so happy to be alive they kiss each other. A lot. And they do a lot more than just kiss, if you know what I mean. Then, they’re so grateful to me for saving their lives, that they (still naked!) take me back to the lodge and we do it for, like, hours and hours on a bear-skin rug in front of a roaring fire. This may have been a dream.

Sidney Crosby – Canada: hockey

Having accomplished everything a hockey player could ever hope to accomplish by the age of 22, Crosby retired from the sport and got married and raised a family, happily living off the millions of dollars he made in his brief and remarkably successful athletic career, content with his life. A complete and total failure.

Bode Miller – USA: skiing

Miller retired soon after the Vancouver Games and fell out of the limelight. But the name “Bode” remains popular among hippie parents who live in cold climates and hate their children.

Apolo Anton Ohno – USA: short track speed skating

As the winner of the most medals by an American in Winter Olympics history, Ohno continued to build on the celebrity that earned him a spot on “Dancing With The Stars”. He went on to appear on “Celebrity Apprentice”, “I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!”, “Celebrity Fit Club”, and “Fat Celebrities Dancing and Making Business Deals in the Jungle”. He was the most enduring “star” of the 2010 Games.

Steve Holcomb – USA: bobsled

After piloting the U.S. to its first bobsled gold in 62 years, Holcomb was sought out by investors and the U.S. government to help replace the automobile and remake the American transportation infrastructure via zero-fuel bobsled technology. Icy, pitched tracks were built all across the country. A person could get in a bobsled in New York City (at 10,000 feet) and — three hours later — be in Los Angeles powered only by gravity. Unfortunately, the unexpected cost of refrigerating all but a few of the most northern tracks was not accounted, nor were the lawsuit costs from the many Americans who died in bobsled crashes. The United States went bankrupt and was taken over by Soviet leader Plushenko.

Read More from Sports Pickle:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:686/vancouver-2010-olympians-where-are-they-now

Popularity: 2% [?]

The ANU Syndicate would like to officially announce that our sister site  (www.wrestling911.com) has begun a very interesting project.  Edited by the SnowMan of www.Afro-Squad.com, the new biography on the carnival freakshow the Dynamite Death Monkiez promises to be worth waiting for.

Participants include Adam Copeland, Sinn Bidhi, Titan, Rick Roberts, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, and many others.

Preview it here.

Popularity: 6% [?]

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. “Can’t believe V-DOT isn’t on this yet,” said Wondolowski, referring to the Vancouver Department of Transportation as he plowed Whistler Olympic Park’s cross-country skiing course and spread road salt along the halfpipe. “I think I pretty much got all of it, including the driveways and the slick stretch on that mountain with all the flags sticking out of it. Gotta make sure kids can get to school safe in the morning.” The 63-year-old Wondolowski reportedly does not get paid for his services.  Source – The Onion

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PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

“Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,” Woods said. “I’ve missed it. I love f’ing with all my heart.”

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn’t stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

“When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control,” said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. “It’s just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met.”

“I’m so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras,” Woods added.

Saying that f’ing is his “calling and [his] one true passion,” Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman’s vagina.

“That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine,” Woods said. “Ever since I was 16, I’ve loved that feeling. It’s like new every time.”

“To be honest, I’d do this for free,” Woods added. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major suckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year’s venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is “far from satisfied” by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

“I’ll probably be a little rusty,” Woods said. “But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I’m confident that I’ll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.”

“There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I’ll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it,” Woods continued. “Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge.”

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

“I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly,” Woods said. “It’s really all mental at that point.”

Reaction to Woods’ announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O’Mera, said that Woods’ return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods’ fans have also been supportive.

“I’m so glad Tiger is coming back,” said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. “He’s the best.”

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus’ record of f’ing 18 major babes at one time.

Source:  http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tiger_woods_announces_return_to

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Sixth grader Adam Jonas completed a deal early today to move Tracy McGrady.

A person with knowledge of the deal said the Jonas sent McGrady, Carl Landry and Joey Dorsey to classmate Tommy Higdon for high-scoring guard Kevin Martin.  To many, this is a coup for Jonas, who first started collecting basketball cards earlier this year.

Adam will also receive forward Kenny Thomas, center Hilton Armstrong and point guard Sergio Rodriguez. Adam will send 25 cents in cash to the Tommy, but, with the swap, will also provide two new pencils and a Sponge Bob eraser.

“Tommy really just did it for the Sponge Bob eraser,” the person with knowledge of the deal said. “Throw in McGrady and it was a steal!”

The deal still needs to be approved by Mrs. Stancil, who has banned all basketball card trading, except during recess.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tiger Woods will appear at a press conference Friday, breaking a three-month silence following a scandal involving alleged infidelities, the Associated Press reported Wednesday, citing Woods’ agent.

“Tiger plans to apologize to American women for the way he has treated women,” said the agent in a prepared statement.

Tiger has been quoted as saying that he didn’t mean to “hurt all these bitches” and that he “apologizes to all of the hoes.”

Popularity: 7% [?]

We here at the ANU Syndicate would like to be serious for a moment and congratulate all the Biathletes competing in the 2010 Winter Olympics.  First gay marriage, then gays in the military, and now a biathlon events in the Olympics.  You have come a long way.  Congratulations.

Popularity: 1% [?]

More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV — the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.

Who were the people who did — and did not — watch the game? Here’s what Nielsen tells us.

WHO WATCHED

Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)

Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)

the few remaining living fans of The Who

former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)

families of players

secret families of players

the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies

people with a mole fetish

Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)

those legitimately trying to find out who dat

non-sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

WHO DIDN’T WATCH

Cooper Manning (couldn’t get out of shift at Red Lobster)

Eli Manning (couldn’t find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)

dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags

THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE F–K IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!

Drew Brees’ son (napping)

The Who (napping)

those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl

those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl

Michael Vick

remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion

nerds

sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

Source – http://www.sportspickle.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

The normally quiet city of New Orleans needs to plan a victory celebration after Sunday’s big Superbowl victory.  That only questions is “how.” 

“We aren’t normally a city that gets a lot of national attention,” said a city official. “This is going to be a big change of pace for our quiet citizens.” 

Known for being a city of modest citizens, city officials are humbled at the thought of throwing a party in the city of New Orleans. 

“We just have never really had a big party here before.  This media attention all so new to us,” said Dr. Melthrop Thunderkiss of Pat O’Brien’s bar on Bourbon Street.  “Sure there was the publicity of the Hurricane, the yearly Marti Gras, the night parades, the girls that go wild, the… hey, wait a second… I think we can do this party thing.”

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Up and coming World Wrestling Entertainment rival, Total Nonstop Action has a game plan to win ratings away from their nemesis in the sports entertainment realm.  TNA decided to hire elderly wrestlers like 80s icon Scott Hall and 70s kingpin Ric Flair in the battle to win the 60 to 80 year old demographic. 

“Brother, I am very excited,” stated 57-year old grappling icon Hulk Hogan.  “I didn’t hear their call at first.  I thought it was just a ringing in my ear.  Once I picked up my Jitterbug, I told them I was ready to wrastle.  I jumped from my table at Golden Corral and headed straight to Orlando.” 

Hogan stopped at the Sun City Retirement home on the way to pick up his friends Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs (The Nasty Boys).  The 90-mile trip from Sun City to Orlando took a little under seven hours.  Hogan stated that the crew had to stop several times for bathroom breaks and they had an issue “trying to figure out that automatic hand dryer.” 

“If we are going to compete with Vince (McMahon, a head honcho in the WWE), we are going to have to get a better timeslot,” said long time Hogan ally Eric Bischoff.  “People just can’t stay up after 8 PM these days.  Maybe we can get something at 6 AM.  That’s when our generation has their most energy.” 

TNA will also have some setbacks as they incorporate an older generation into their programming.  It was reported that Kevin Nash, another older wrestler who performs with the company, fell and almost broke his hip in a match with Alex Shelly.  It was fortunate that Life Alert was available to save him before the ten count. 

TNA is also in negotiations with such wrestlers as Frank Gotch, Sam Muchnick, Bruno Sammartino, and Lou Thesz.

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