GAINESVILLE, GA—Cathy Fiori sure made the most of her opposable thumbs today.
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There are two types of gamers: Those who pick up a game and immediately think, “I will not quit until I have emerged victorious in this grand quest!” and those who think, “I will not quit until I find a glitch that will let me fill this F*CKing castle with watermelons.”
Actually, I suppose most of us start out as the first one and become the second after we get bored enough. My point is, video game glitches have become the canvas onto which smart-asses create masterpieces.
Let us take a moment to appreciate a small sampling of their genius:
#5. Assassin’s Creed is a Nightmare Orgy Straight From the Bowels of Hell
I never got into Assassin’s Creed, but after watching that video, I’m ashamed of myself for giving up on it so easily. If I had known about all of the wall-F*CKing, suicide-ridden glitches, I wouldn’t be writing this article right now. I’d be camped out in front of my TV, laughing until I passed out from the lack of oxygen. The scene above, in case you aren’t able to watch it, starts out with the main character, hiding in a small room on top of a roof while two guards casually walk past. It’s obvious they have a purpose, and from their casual demeanor, you can tell they’ve done whatever it is they’re about to do a thousand times before.
“Ugh. Another day, another dollar.”
Calmly — almost bored, even — they step up to their posts, lean up against the wall, grip the top with both hands … and just dick the living shit out of it.
At first, there’s just the one guy. He’s the go-getter of the morning crew. If the boss needs something done, that’s the guy he goes to because there’s never any whining from him. He knows what he’s paid for, and he does the job without question. The second guy is no slouch, but you can expect him to be the first one in line to punch out his time card at the end of the day. But hump the wall, he must. And hump the wall, he does.
The guy on the right is the player, who is my new favorite person. Not only for uploading the video, but for joining in and making what would otherwise be a funny video, a work of pure goddamn genius. And for also making this, from the same game:
Depending on when you watch that one, it can take on several different tones. If it follows the wall-humping video, it’s going to have a disturbing rooftop orgy feel. A group of tightly-packed men dry-humping our protagonist with jerky, thrusting, machine gun efficiency. But if viewed after this nightmarish trio of rapidly shouting guards, it puts out a much more sinister, Children of the Corn vibe.
Note the end of the video in that link, after the player knocks one of them off the roof, the other two follow him down of their own accord in what I like to imagine as a Romeo and Juliet display of soul-bound love, diving to their deaths in a fit of passion and grief. That’s not a one-time thing. If you position yourself just right when the guards are in full pursuit, you can produce a line of stupid so powerful, it could F*CK-start a battleship:
I could seriously watch that all day. Just that huge line of guards, running stupidly against the wall like mindless wind-up toys, each getting slowly nudged off of the ledge by their comrades. An assembly line of shouted commands for you to stop, followed by screaming and a soft thud — each body that litters the pile representing an insurance claim that none of their wives and children wanted to ever see cashed in. It really is a thing of beauty.
#4. GTA Gives Us Mass Suicide and Spontaneous Vehicle Launches
It turns out that Assassin’s Creed isn’t the only game you can see a line of cops diving to their deaths. Grand Theft Auto IV did it so well, I swear to this day that they programmed it in there on purpose. In the above video, the player climbed up onto the catwalk of a billboard while being chased by the police. Rather than try to shoot him down, they formed a nice, neat line, climbed up after him, and one by one stepped off to form an ever-growing pile of corpses on the sidewalk below.
As funny as it is to see that happen over and over again, the funniest part is the audio because as they climb up after him, they all talk shit. So you end up with a string of cop after cop saying, “One shot, that’s all I need — AAAHHHGG! *Thud.*” “The safety’s off, buddy — AAAAHHG! *Thud.*” “I got a clear sho- AHHHGG! *Thud.*”
Of course, it’s not all Doomsday Cult police. One of the funniest glitches in GTA IV involves a couple of swing sets, scattered throughout the game. If you back a vehicle up to one, it will randomly launch it across the map like it was fired from a circus cannon:
Or if you want a more personal touch, just hang on it, and it’ll launch your monkey ass the same way. Seriously, once you know that this is in the game, how could you ever justify doing anything else?
“Man, this brings back memories. I haven’t been on a sw-”
“MOTHERF*CKER, I’M SHITTING IN MY PAAAANNNTS!”
That’s the problem with modern toys and technology, though. Sometimes, it just flips out and flings mofos at random (yes, it will do it to pedestrians, too). That’s why to get a truly realistic feel from a game, you have to go back to a setting like the olden days depicted in Red Dead Redemption, which is just the Old West version of GTA. Back then, it wasn’t the machines doing crazy shit. It was the people. Like this clearly possessed woman who can’t ride her horse and buggy without jumping up and down like a goddamn lunatic:
Or my favorite glitch of all time — the spastic horses:
Look at that and tell me that hell doesn’t exist. Even if you don’t believe it in our realm, it F*CKing well does in theirs. And it hates horses. Or wagons. For all we know, the horses could be innocent bystanders. Regardless, if they did that all the time, I’d own 10 copies of this game.
#3. Skate 3 is a Sadist’s Wet Dream
There are two things you should know before diving into these videos and laughing until you puke blood all over your keyboard: 1) These glitches are not a core part of the game. The guy who made these used some exploits to launch himself into normally unreachable areas, and those areas that were never meant to be visited are the reason behind the buggy play and 2) I don’t give a shit.
Quite frankly, I wouldn’t have cared if he had cracked open his console and physically changed the motherboard to make these things happen. It’s all worth it to see a skater doing some twisted version of “the worm” until he slams into a steel beam, folding his head back like a F*CKing Pez dispenser:
Or falling 200 feet to the asphalt and jamming his board through his chest:
“I didn’t bail, though. You commit to the trick, or you take up gardening, baby.”
Or my personal favorite, doing a front flip that ends with a guy’s face smashed into your crotch while still standing:
Nailed it!
It’s not all about contortion and mutilation. Half of what makes these funny are when he’s not on a skateboard. In that universe, skating is second nature to that guy — but the second he steps off of that board, he can’t take two steps without falling flat on his face or getting launched into the mesosphere.
Seriously, I didn’t photoshop that.
Though I do have to warn you, if you found that first one funny (if you didn’t, your soul is broken), you might want to clear some of your schedule today because he has three more of these videos, and every damn one of them is awesome.
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UPDATE: NASA scientists have reportedly confirmed that the planet Nibiru will collide with Earth on December 21st.
The Nibiru collision with Earth in 2012 has been predicted for a long time, but astrophysicists, cosmologists and astronomers around the world have now come to a consensus that Earth will indeed collide with the planet, which lies just outside Pluto.
Nibiru, in Babylonian Astronomy translates to “Point of Transition” or ”Planet of Crossing,” especially of rivers, i.e. river crossings or ferry-boats, a term of the highest point of the ecliptic, i.e. the point of summer solstice, and its associated constellation. The establishment of the Nibiru point is described in tablet 5 of the Enuma Elish. Its cuneiform sign was often a cross, or various winged disc. The Sumerian culture was located in the fertile lands between the Euphrates and Tigris rivers, at the southern part of today’s Iraq.
As the highest point in the paths of the planets, Nibiru was considered the seat of the summus deus who pastures the stars like sheep, in Babylon identified with Marduk. This interpretation of Marduk as the ruler of the cosmos was identified as an early monotheist tendency in Babylonian religion by Alfred Jeremias.
Natural disasters are accelerating exponentially and astronomers believe that they are being caused by Nibiru coming closer and closer to Earth.
CLICK HERE FOR MORE ABOUT THE UPCOMING COLLISION WITH NIBIRU
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Tags: 2012, apocalypse, doomsday, earth colliding with Nibiru, Earth on collision course, Mayan Calendar, Mayan Prophecy, milky way, nasa, nibiru, outer planets, pluto
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With divorce rates as high as they are, it’s a wonder any marriage proposal is accepted these days. When you throw things like faked plane crashes and intestinal trauma into the mix, you’d assume some people are just destined to die alone. But you’d be wrong.
Here are three insane wedding proposals that were actually accepted.
#3. I Now Pronounce You Man and Felon
We’ve come a long way in the fight for women’s rights. Proof of that could be found in a New York courtroom where Nicole Osborne sat facing charges of domestic violence for assaulting her boyfriend, Theodore Murphy. Spousal abuse isn’t just for men anymore, and in turn, it appears that turning a blind eye to it out of love is no longer solely the domain of love-stricken pop singers from Barbados.
Getty
Oh yeah, it looks funny. But wait until you see where she plans to sheath that thing.
No matter the beatings, Murphy decided that Nicole Osborne was the woman for him and, right there in court, decided to propose. Unfortunately, a restraining order taken out against Osborne following the assault prevented him from speaking directly to her. To get around this, prosecutors moved to have the restraining order amended on the fly to allow non-criminal contact, because obviously this was a matter that couldn’t wait until the two parties were no longer embroiled in a fight for one half’s freedom.
With the legal red tape blocking his planned proposal to the woman who whupped his ass now effectively fought through, Theodore Murphy popped the question, and Nicole Osborne said “yes.”
Getty
“Bailiff, will you make my client the happiest man in the world by offering this ring to the accused?”
No way is that marriage going to go horribly wrong.
#2. Always Marry a Woman Who Swallows
Putting an engagement ring in a glass of champagne has been a go to marriage proposal tactic for a long time now. One of the reasons it’s so effective is because a big piece of metal floating in a glass of mostly clear liquid is easy to spot. That visibility is diminished mightily if you replace the champagne with a less viscous liquid.
“I used pee and seltzer water. Buying the ring pretty much wiped me out.”
Reed Harris thought nothing of this when he placed an engagement ring intended for his prospective fiance, Kaitlin Whipple, in a strawberry milkshake. He further complicated things by inviting several of her friends to witness the unorthodox engagement.
When Kaitlin failed to down her shake in a sufficiently speedy manner, one of her friends decided to get things moving by challenging Kaitlin to see who could drink their shake faster. Faster than you could say, “Uh, there’s a ring in that,” Kaitlin Whipple slammed that strawberry shake and the ring it came with right down her gullet, which was now inadvertently worth thousands of dollars.
It took a trip to the ER and a stomach x-ray to convince Kaitlin anything was even amiss. Upon seeing the medical evidence of her predicament, she promptly accepted the wedding proposal.
A few days later, presumably, she recovered her engagement ring, in the most horrifying of ways possible.
“One ring to poo them all.”
#1. The “You’re About to Die a Mile High” Club
When Ryan Thompson told Carlie Kennedy he wanted to take her flying, she had no idea her boyfriend intended to ask her to be his wife. She also had no idea she would be trusting her life to a sociopath who lacks the strange human feeling known as empathy.
The flight started normally enough, with the happy couple documenting the flight through pictures likely destined for one of those annoying wedding websites that newlyweds set up when they wrongly believe anyone cares about their nuptials.
But this ominous edit warns of trouble ahead.
In a move we’re assuming Ryan Thompson thought up shortly after realizing he didn’t want to get married after all, he pretends there’s a malfunction with the flight controls.
Judging from this screenshot, we’re guessing he didn’t convey the information in a “Hey, it’s not a big deal!” kind of way.
Ha! She’s going to be so happy to have video of the moment she was sure she was going to die. But it’s all a ruse, because the safety instructions include this wacky line!
Of course, she said yes, because when a madman has control of the plane you’re flying in, you just do whatever he says.
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With December 21 – ‘the end of the world’ - looming – President Obama headed with his family and friends to his $50 million U.S. bunker.
President Obama has been taken to his government-made bunker located somewhere in West Virginia. The President doesn’t believe the world will end, but just in case he is being taken to the bunker where he will be able to live with his family and friends for at least a year.
President Obama is taking his wife, his daughters, five members of his staff, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rahm Emanuel, Tiger Woods, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Michael Jordan, Valerie Jarret, Van Jones, Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind Fire and the band One Direction with him to the bunker.
“The President wants to have essential people with him, so that in case the world ends, it can reboot with an A-List group of people,” said a source close to The White House.
Vice President Biden was upset that he was not taken to the President Bunker, but he was told “somebody needs to stay in The White House and “keep an eye on things.”
The bunker is equipped with all the latest modern convenience and President Obama is reportedly eager to spend time in the lavish bunker with his family. ”It’s going to be one big party for a long time if the world ends. The President is looking forward to it, “said Jay Carney, President Obama’s Press Secretary. Jay Carney was not invited to the bunker.
America is dotted with bunkers – several working and others long out of use and turned into quirky museums and hotels.
The President is reportedly encouraging all Americans to head for their bunkers and if they do not have bunkers then, “please know that if the world ends, that I will restart it in your memory.”
Good luck!
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Clearly, this is because you have damaged the inter-net.
At great expense, we have placed the broken pieces
in an archive so that you can mend the damage you caused.
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Categories: Headlines, TopStory, WWN Store
Tags: Bat Boy, bat boy gifts, Bat boy tee shirt, Christmas gifts, Christmas sale, fun, funny, good gifts, Google Currents, humor, Last minute christmas gifts, weekly world news, WWN, wwn christmas
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Food is a powerful weapon in the war against hunger, and apparently also in wars against other human beings, because it has totally been used to kill people.
#4. Uruguay Wins a Naval Battle with Cheese
For a brief time in the 1860s, Brazil and Uruguay were in the midst of a war where much of the fighting was done between ships, because both countries have been revered throughout history for their naval might. During one such battle, a Uruguayan ship ran out of cannonballs (see “revered naval might”). However, instead of quickly shedding his uniform and diving into the ocean, the captain ordered his men to fire stale balls of cheese at the enemy, because, for some reason, they had more of those than ammunition.
Getty
War is hell, but it pairs nicely with red wine.
One of the cheeses improbably shattered the main mast of the enemy ship, killing men with cheese shrapnel and shredding their sails. Wisely, the Brazilians retreated, presumably taking the long way back to port so the crew could rehearse their story about how their ship totally got attacked by a sea monster and certainly hadn’t been crippled by volleys of petrified dairy.
#3. The Romans Are Defeated by Honey
The Heptacomitae were a tribe that lived in modern-day Turkey during the 1st century B.C. who spent most of their time getting killed by the Romans (and, to be fair, that’s pretty much how everyone spent their time in those days). However, they were able to get the upper hand every once in a while in the form of bowls of “maddening honey,” which they would leave in the road behind them to trap the pursuing Romans (because ancient times were apparently much more like cartoons than we realized).
Getty
“Maybe they’re leaving it as a goodwill offering. ‘Thanks for the war, guys; here’s a present’!”
Maddening honey was like mega LSD that, if ingested, would carpet-bomb your cortex with giggle-shitting lunacy. Since the Romans evidently had the impulse control of 6-year-olds, they would sit down and eat the bowls of honey left for them and lose their goddamned minds. At which point, the Heptacomitae would return to stab them in their already-melting faces.
#2. The Americans Make Exploding Baked Goods
During World War 2, the Americans were looking for a way to smuggle explosives to Chinese rebels fighting the Japanese, which they eventually found by creating a powdered explosive disguised as baking flour and code-named “Aunt Jemima,” because war can sometimes be quietly hilarious. To thwart suspicion, the powder could actually be used to bake edible food, although operatives were warned not to smoke a cigarette too soon after eating the composition — because for some baffling reason, they would still eat it despite knowing exactly what it was.
“The taste of potential murder is just too good to pass up.”
#1. A Japanese Submarine Is Sunk with Potatoes
The USS O’Bannon, on patrol in the Pacific Ocean during WW2, came across a surfaced Japanese submarine, evidently operating with a catastrophically malfunctioning periscope and an all-blind crew. The O’Bannon blasted enough holes in the submarine to prevent it from submerging again, although, curiously, not enough holes to sink it, which arguably would’ve given them the tactical advantage. They had also pulled directly alongside the sub, positioning it too low for any of their weapons, but close enough to be blasted by small arms fire from the Japanese crew. This decision is equally difficult to explain.
“It makes a lot more sense when you’ve been drinking as much nautical toilet moonshine as we were.”
The understandably furious Japanese submariners soon started to amass on deck, fully armed. However, before the Japanese could start firing, the crew of the O’Bannon began throwing potatoes at them, because it seems that there were no guns on the O’Bannon (or maybe they just had one gun for everyone to share).
The Japanese began scrambling to throw the potatoes away, thinking they were grenades, and were too distracted to notice that the O’Bannon was sailing back out into range of its deck guns until it finally opened fire and sank them.
Nothing heals the wounds of the past quite like cheeky racism.
Want more from Adam? If so, he has a blog you can read. If you want him to write some words for you, you can also contact him at adamwearscracked@gmail.com
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Categories: Celebs, Headlines, TopStory
Tags: Back to December, Belong, Blind item, Good Girl, Harry Styles, jennifer aniston, john mayer, Liam, Liam Payne, Love Story, Niall Horan, One Direction, People, pregnant, Taylor, Taylor Swift, The Wanted, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, You Belong With Me, Zayne Malik
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The definition of “irony” is a little tricky, as it is routinely confused with similar concepts like “poetic justice,” “bad luck” or “whatever bullshit Alanis Morrisette was singing about.” Irony is simply “when something happens contrary to what is expected,” like a houseboat being destroyed in an earthquake. Judging by the following five examples of other things that were destroyed in equally ironic fashion, the universe seems to understand the concept perfectly fine. Also, the universe is kind of a dick.
#5. Fire Station Burns to the Ground
In December 2011, the Linn-San Manuel Fire Department received a call informing them that the Linn-San Manuel fire station was ablaze. We imagine that they receive this call with some regularity.
KRGV.com
“Also, your refrigerator is running.”
However, this time it was deadly serious. Now, if you’re wondering why the fire department would need a phone call to tell them that their home base was on fire, it’s because the building was totally empty at the time, which is a sentence that should probably not exist. The entire crew was out at a Christmas party and had used three of the station’s four trucks to drive there. Everything in the building was destroyed, including the department’s financial records, which were under scrutiny at the time, following accusations of misappropriation. This is probably the closest that real firefighting has ever come to the plot of Backdraft.
#4. Historic Building Recognized With Historic Marker, Then Demolished
The Waverly Five and Dime, a building once owned by civil rights pioneer George Elmore, was honored with a marker noting its historical significance before being completely demolished less than a week later by the neighboring church that had purchased it, presumably because they needed space for a bouncy castle at next month’s family cookout, and because history can go F*CK itself.
Kim Kim Foster- Tobin
“Be sure to pave over that cultural significance quickly, we need a place for the pie table.”
#3. Secretariat Statue Destroyed by a Racehorse
City on Line, a 4-year-old racing colt, decided that a statue of the legendary horse Secretariat (if being the subject of a movie with Diane Lane is considered the stuff of legends) at Belmont Park Raceway could not continue to exist and barreled into it at top speed.
John Dunn for the New York Times
You guys probably can’t tell, but to horses, this is pretty racist.
City on Line unseated his jockey and tore ass away from the racetrack for reasons that cannot begin to be explained and smashed into the statue, crushing its thousand-pound base and knocking the metal horse of yesteryear to the ground. The impact was so severe that City on Line had to be euthanized on the spot, although we hope that a modest statue was commissioned in honor of his batshit lunacy.
#2. World War I Memorial Destroyed by World War II Bombing Raid
The Neue Wache Memorial in Berlin was built in remembrance of those lost in World War I, the “War to End All Wars.” Unfortunately, it was destroyed in a bombing raid during the “War to Unequivocally Prove That Statement Wrong,” World War II.
Bildarchiv Preußischer Kulturbesitz
They should’ve known better. Everything gets a sequel these days.
The memorial was not restored until 1960, probably because of its established history as a bomb magnet.
#1. Gigantic Jesus Statue Destroyed by Lightning
Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio, is home to a six-story plastic and fiberglass statue known locally as “Touchdown Jesus,” because holy shit look at it:
Time
Although “touchdown” may be a tad inaccurate, as he’s obviously looking through the uprights.
During a heavy thunderstorm in June 2010, the massive statue was struck by lightning and burned to the goddamned ground, leaving a skeletal Wicker Man in its place.
Springfield News-Sun
It’s only a matter of time before Nicolas Cage sprints in and starts punching people.
Because they learned absolutely nothing from this event, Solid Rock Church officials assured the community that Touchdown Jesus would soon be “resurrected,” presumably to give Marty McFly some options should he need to find an alternate location where a bolt of lightning is guaranteed to strike.
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The definition of “irony” is a little tricky, as it is routinely confused with similar concepts like “poetic justice,” “bad luck” or “whatever bullshit Alanis Morrisette was singing about.” Irony is simply “when something happens contrary to what is expected,” like a houseboat being destroyed in an earthquake. Judging by the following five examples of other things that were destroyed in equally ironic fashion, the universe seems to understand the concept perfectly fine. Also, the universe is kind of a dick.
#5. Fire Station Burns to the Ground
In December 2011, the Linn-San Manuel Fire Department received a call informing them that the Linn-San Manuel fire station was ablaze. We imagine that they receive this call with some regularity.
KRGV.com
“Also, your refrigerator is running.”
However, this time it was deadly serious. Now, if you’re wondering why the fire department would need a phone call to tell them that their home base was on fire, it’s because the building was totally empty at the time, which is a sentence that should probably not exist. The entire crew was out at a Christmas party and had used three of the station’s four trucks to drive there. Everything in the building was destroyed, including the department’s financial records, which were under scrutiny at the time, following accusations of misappropriation. This is probably the closest that real firefighting has ever come to the plot of Backdraft.
#4. Historic Building Recognized With Historic Marker, Then Demolished
The Waverly Five and Dime, a building once owned by civil rights pioneer George Elmore, was honored with a marker noting its historical significance before being completely demolished less than a week later by the neighboring church that had purchased it, presumably because they needed space for a bouncy castle at next month’s family cookout, and because history can go F*CK itself.
Kim Kim Foster- Tobin
“Be sure to pave over that cultural significance quickly, we need a place for the pie table.”
#3. Secretariat Statue Destroyed by a Racehorse
City on Line, a 4-year-old racing colt, decided that a statue of the legendary horse Secretariat (if being the subject of a movie with Diane Lane is considered the stuff of legends) at Belmont Park Raceway could not continue to exist and barreled into it at top speed.
John Dunn for the New York Times
You guys probably can’t tell, but to horses, this is pretty racist.
City on Line unseated his jockey and tore ass away from the racetrack for reasons that cannot begin to be explained and smashed into the statue, crushing its thousand-pound base and knocking the metal horse of yesteryear to the ground. The impact was so severe that City on Line had to be euthanized on the spot, although we hope that a modest statue was commissioned in honor of his batshit lunacy.
#2. World War I Memorial Destroyed by World War II Bombing Raid
The Neue Wache Memorial in Berlin was built in remembrance of those lost in World War I, the “War to End All Wars.” Unfortunately, it was destroyed in a bombing raid during the “War to Unequivocally Prove That Statement Wrong,” World War II.
Bildarchiv Preußischer Kulturbesitz
They should’ve known better. Everything gets a sequel these days.
The memorial was not restored until 1960, probably because of its established history as a bomb magnet.
#1. Gigantic Jesus Statue Destroyed by Lightning
Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio, is home to a six-story plastic and fiberglass statue known locally as “Touchdown Jesus,” because holy shit look at it:
Time
Although “touchdown” may be a tad inaccurate, as he’s obviously looking through the uprights.
During a heavy thunderstorm in June 2010, the massive statue was struck by lightning and burned to the goddamned ground, leaving a skeletal Wicker Man in its place.
Springfield News-Sun
It’s only a matter of time before Nicolas Cage sprints in and starts punching people.
Because they learned absolutely nothing from this event, Solid Rock Church officials assured the community that Touchdown Jesus would soon be “resurrected,” presumably to give Marty McFly some options should he need to find an alternate location where a bolt of lightning is guaranteed to strike.
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WASHINGTON—In the wake of yesterday’s gruesome mass shooting that claimed the lives of 27 people, including 20 schoolchildren, the United States ratified a new constitutional amendment this afternoon guaranteeing American citizens the right to live life in a perpetual state of abject horror. “The provisions of the 28th Amendment will fully protect the right of all individuals to spend every waking moment utterly terrified at the thought of a deranged stranger with a semiautomatic combat rifle gunning them down,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), explaining that the measure also permits Americans to suffer panic attacks anytime their loved ones go to work, school, malls, or virtually any other public location. “In addition, the new amendment prevents the government from ever infringing on a citizen’s inalienable right to lie awake at night visualizing the images of crying children being ushered out of a school and wondering where it could happen next.” The new amendment comes on the heels of numerous other proposed changes to U.S. law, including a highly contested bill that would protect the right of Americans to ignore a widespread, deadly problem until it is far too late.
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The “special features” on DVDs just don’t seem that special anymore. At one point, just having a menu seemed pretty novel. Nowadays, we get bloopers, deleted scenes and Arnold Schwarzenegger babbling like a boxcar tramp. We’re so spoiled by these bells and whistles that we forget that humanity had to rewind its movies a dog’s lifetime ago.
Getty
“Can we, like, hollow those out and fill them with flash drives?”
But there are a few anime DVDs out there that have tried some (ahem) “unique” special features that probably won’t become as commonplace as the deleted scene — and for some very good reasons.
#4. The Jiggle Counter
Have you ever watched a movie and mused aloud, “Gee, self, I need to know exactly how many times over the course of this motion picture that the characters’ bosoms went on a bouncy rampage”? And if you’re this kind of extraordinarily obsessive-compulsive pervert, this inclination crosses your mind in the unlikeliest of places. Like during Steel Magnolias.
“Confound you, Olympia Dukakis! You can’t hug Shirley MacLaine all movie long!”
But for the anime Plastic Little, DVD distributor ADV Films cornered this discerning viewer by adding a breast-shaped counter that kept a real-time tally of every time cartoon sweater puppets swayed in the breeze.
“It’s a commentary on a metaphor for a symbol that I can’t justify my own viewing habits to myself anymore.”
Was one of ADV’s employees paid to sit in a dank basement, breathe through his mouth and annotate each frame like the Zapruder film? We honestly cannot say, but we do know that ADV loved this idea so much that they trademarked the name “Jiggle Counter.” (We’re pretty sure the portmanteau “Boobacus” is still up for grabs. Hey everybody, go make your millions!)
#3. Baffling Pop-Up Videos
Most DVD commentaries offer either A) behind-the-scenes insights on the filmmaking process or B) the cast and crew hopelessly shithoused. But the “Fun Facts” DVD setting for the science fiction flick The Humanoid revolutionizes this trend, as it teaches you nothing about The Humanoid (and nobody’s drunk).
Instead, the commentary accurately recreates the experience of watching a movie with a malfunctioning Cleverbot. The viewer learns a lot about coffee, mustachioed men and bald celebrities, all of which have zero bearing on the film’s plot (which is about a robot who learns to love to the sounds of mediocre arena metal, incidentally).
#2. The Magical Trading Card Dungeon
Aquarian Age: The Movie — which is based on a Japanese trading card game — contains a bonus tutorial starring two actresses who have no connection to the film. The women are transported to a basement where a disembodied voice commands them to play Aquarian Age.
See, this is why we prefer chess.
One woman refuses to obey her unseen master. Her primary objection? She doesn’t know the rules to the game (she’s unfazed by the fact that she’s now living in a 1980s Doctor Who episode). The bossy cellar god strikes his kidnapping victims with rainbow chain lightning. His electrical boon blesses them with a basic knowledge of Aquarian Age and lifelong nerve damage.
What follows is a tremendously boring explanatory game, the highlight of which is the English announcer yelling his translation over the original Japanese narration. At the conclusion of the game, the two actresses inexplicably shoot lightning into each other’s eyes, which — in a surprise twist for the DVD’s American viewers — means that they have just passed the Japanese SATs.
“Should this basement have a door, I’m thinking of Cornell.”
#1. Neo-Nazi Karaoke
For reasons unknown, the DVD of the anime Hellsing Ultimate includes a karaoke version of a six-minute speech by the Major, a bad guy tasked with psyching up a vampire Nazi battalion for a rematch against England.
With dialogue like “I love war! I love holocausts! I love blitzkriegs!” you wonder just what the hell anime company Funimation was thinking. America has plenty of stupid pastimes, but “reciting the closed captioning to American History X in one’s rumpus room” is not up there with “regurgitating a blooming onion while rapping Crazy Town’s ‘Butterfly’ at Chili’s karaoke night.”
“Vampires can’t be racist. Everyone knows that!”
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Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/CrackedRSS/~3/OVqYxCOquUU/
WWN has obtained the first images of Kate Middleton’s baby!
The Duchess of Cambridge and her husband, Prince William, were proud to release the first images of their new baby, the Royal Fetus. The “Royal utltrasound” was presented in an official ceremony at Buckingham Palace.
“Meet the future king of England!” shouted the Royal Baby Announcer to a packed crowd of London reporters and Royal watchers. The crowd erupted into applause as doctors identified all the Royal body parts of the Royal baby, including the new Royal penis.
The Duchess was in attendance, which was a big relief to all the citizens of Great Britain. Kate had been suffering from a severe bout of morning sickness, but after the ultrasound was done, she seemed to immediately return to normal health. And “shared” the ultrasound on her Facebook and Instagram pages.
Here she is walking into the Royal Ultrasound After-Party:
Here’s a closer look at the Royal Ultrasound (below). Though it may seem odd, nothing has been added to the photograph. ”Royal babies are not like other babies. Not at all. They are Royals from conception and are treated as such even in the womb,” said Royal Baby Burper, Joanna Smallton.
Queen Elizabeth was reportedly thrilled that the baby is confirmed to be a boy and has ordered that the baby be named George VII – after her father George VI. Eventually, the baby will become King George VII of England. But, Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles and Prince William will have to die first. And there are rumors that Prince Charles is growing impatient waiting for his turn.
The Queen doesn’t plan on dying before her son (Charles) or grandson (William) and predicts that Kate’s baby boy will be the next monarch of England. ”I will outlast my son and grandson. Count on it,” she reportedly told the Guardian. ”I got another thirty years in me.”
There’s one Royal who is not happy at all about the new addition to the Royal family. Prince Harry is now a very long shot to become the King. The fetus is ahead of him in the Royal Succession. Even if Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles and Prince William were all to die tomorrow – the fetus would be King, not Harry. That’s not making him happy.
Royal Watchers are afraid that Prince Harry might head back to Vegas for another Royal Bender.
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Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/53366/royal-ultrasound/
f@ck the mayans
This is not true in every way.
This is a fiction not yet proven a fact
Why do people keep talking fantasy? THERE IS NO GOD. Those who worship God are committing one of their own sins: worshiping a false idol. It’s not a matter of opinion, it’s a matter of fact. Yes, you have the right to believe in Fairy Tales, but no, no one has to respect that belief.
feel sorry for you….you will find out that there truly is a God, but I am afraid you will find out all too late.
Today is 20/12, almost 6:00pm as I type this so less than one day from collision.
Will any of those who said that NASA, governments etc denials were all a big cover up finally admit that they’ve been gullible fools.
There was no cover up, because there was nothing to cover up – Niburu is pure fiction.
this is alot of bull sh*t there is no planet going to hit earth. the moon is a day 1/2 away and we can clearly see that, the planet “Niburu” is aperantly less that 12 hours away and we cant see sh*t so that is all the fact you need to tell that it is a lode of bull sh*t. and i just checked the nasa site, thay confermed nothing like that so you must have made up some bull sh*t storry saying that “nasa confermed that earth is going to get hit by planet Niburu”. Bull fu*king sh*t!! A complete fu*king lie
Nibiru cataclysm is less than 24hours from now(if there is anything like that) lets watch and see. I pray it does not happen.
lol completely off topic but I find it funny that my name was blocked out since it has “a*s*s” in it… Bahaha!