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WASHINGTON—Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S. government is even now putting measures in place to take his guns away.
Obama, an avid gun enthusiast with an extensive history of mistrusting the federal government, claimed Washington’s actions in recent years have been particularly egregious and described its “rabid anti-gun zealotry” as “some real sinister, Nazi-type shit.”
“The thing for damn sure is you can’t trust ‘em,” Obama told reporters Thursday morning, cradling a .22-caliber bolt-action hunting rifle in his arms. “No matter how hard you work or how many taxes you pay, the goddamn government’s sure as shit gonna pass some law or officiate some warrant to try and take your guns. Because when the people don’t have any guns, that’s when they take control.”
“Just like in England,” the president added. “They took away all the guns there, and now they have video cameras all over the place to spy on everybody. You think America wouldn’t do that if they could?”
According to President Obama, the U.S. government has for years made a concerted effort to “destroy the Second Amendment of the damned Constitution, for God’s sake,” while silencing the voices of gun owners such as himself who merely wish to retain the ability to protect their home and family.
“It’s a slippery slope, I’m telling you—it starts with an assault weapons ban, which is a total crock, and then they use that to get their foot in the door to take away shotguns and rifles, too,” said the president, adding that he keeps an assortment of handguns locked in a safe in the White House basement in case of “emergencies.” “We’re talking about an all-out war on our right to keep and bear arms: global gun databases, secret watch lists, bullet serialization, microstamping. It is my constitutional right to own these firearms, okay? And they can’t wrench that right away from me.”
“What if somebody breaks into the White House tonight?” Obama continued. “Hell, I got a prerogative to protect my wife and kids.”
Seemingly obsessed with security, Obama has reportedly used the heavily fortified Oval Office as a ‘lair’ for most of his first term, eating and sleeping within its gun-racked walls and exiting only for necessary state business. In such cases, Obama told reporters, he will not leave without an array of concealed weapons on his person.
Beltway sources said a rifle-armed figure resembling Obama has also been seen patrolling the White House roof in recent years, wearing what appears to be forest-camouflage cargo pants, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and a sleeveless black “POW/MIA” T-shirt.
“When the shit goes down, man, the militia is all you can rely on,” said Obama, who sources confirmed has formed a loose affiliation of local gun owners that meets on weekends to conduct what they call “training exercises” in the Rose Garden. “And believe me, the shit will go down. There is a war coming. And it’s coming quick. And you just better hope that when it does go down you’re not caught on the wrong side of that line, brother, because I will not hesitate to defend what I hold dear.”
At press time, a user named “potus_44″ posted a message on an NRA message board that read: “rite to own guns only thing btwn tyrany and freedom. atf w/ fbi trying 2 control us, just like Brits in Rev War. fate of nation hangs in balance.”
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Rarely is there such a perfect storm of crazy as that surrounding the recent meltdown of Katt Williams, an actor and comedian who is clearly responsible for his own IMDb biography.
#4. Inexplicable Psychotic Outbursts
In October, Williams got into an argument with actor Faizon Love outside of a nightclub, possibly over who had appeared in the superior Friday movie. Williams went to his car to get a gun, which was promptly taken away from him by one of Love’s crew. Upon discovering that Williams had actually forgotten to load the weapon, they gave it back to him and went inside the club, presumably after ruffling his hair and making him promise not to break any windows with his slingshot.
Noel Vasquez / Getty
“There’s no way he’ll ever figure out how to buy bullets.”
Last weekend, Williams smacked a guy in the head with a microphone for filming part of his stand-up performance. Then he was arrested two days later for threatening a restaurant manager with a pool cue and throwing a rock at a car containing a couple with a young child, because he is clearly possessed by the kind of irrational toddler rage that forces you to abruptly strike people with whatever is currently in your hand. Williams’ bail was posted by Suge Knight, a man perhaps best known for getting shot in a car with Tupac and dangling Vanilla Ice over a hotel balcony.
KMazur / Getty
Suge Knight, seen here at his part-time gig as a tower.
#3. “Rich and Famous” Bravado
While brandishing the aforementioned pool cue at the restaurant manager, Williams complained that the man was unfairly trying to “protect the customers from the famous guy,” because as we all know, if a minor celebrity wants to scream at people and break things, you are supposed to let them.
Later, while being arrested, he told the police that he had been arrested 30 times in the past couple months and that his millions of dollars would protect him from any serious consequences. He also vowed to get the arresting officer fired, which is the first phrase they teach you in Wealthy Dickhead school.
Rick Diamond / Getty
The second phrase they teach you is “Do you carry that in FaceF*CKing Crazy?”
#2. Ridiculous Lawsuits
A few months ago, Williams allegedly punched his assistant hard enough to send her to the hospital with permanent injuries (yes, that sentence contained the words “punched” and “her” in reference to a man who, ostensibly, is a comedian). No charges were filed, but she’s currently suing him for $5 million, which is roughly the amount he was paid for Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.
Even as a pigeon, he can’t stop getting in trouble.
Williams has still been doing shows throughout all this, although by all accounts the shows have sucked enough corpse penises to warrant legal action. One man was so enraged by the comedian’s performance (which included Williams taking some of his clothes off and threatening to fight the audience) that he filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who will never get that quarter hour of their lives back.
Williams himself declared that he would be suing Seattle for $50 million for “crippling my reputation as a father and a black man and as a taxpaying citizen and as a person who is not a convicted felon.” He also offered to pay Washington $300,000 if they let him and his family live on the state ferry in the same interview, because this is how crazy people speak.
Komo News
There’s an inverse relationship between the mass of beads on your neck and your grip on reality.
#1. Hilarious Getaway Vehicles
When Williams decided to take his three-wheeled motorcycle (typically ridden by children and called “a tricycle”) out for a spin on the sidewalk in Sacramento, the police stopped him to point out that motor vehicles are meant to be driven in the street. Williams offered them the rejoinder that he didn’t care and “sped” away, resulting in a sight gag of a pursuit. A week later, he slapped a Target employee in the face and hopped on a motorized shopping cart to make good his escape once the cashier called the cops (although Williams did stop to take french fries from a stranger in the food court, because nothing works up a hunger like being a goddamned lunatic).
Jemal Countess / Getty
This outfit alone burned off three value meals.
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Rarely is there such a perfect storm of crazy as that surrounding the recent meltdown of Katt Williams, an actor and comedian who is clearly responsible for his own IMDb biography.
#4. Inexplicable Psychotic Outbursts
In October, Williams got into an argument with actor Faizon Love outside of a nightclub, possibly over who had appeared in the superior Friday movie. Williams went to his car to get a gun, which was promptly taken away from him by one of Love’s crew. Upon discovering that Williams had actually forgotten to load the weapon, they gave it back to him and went inside the club, presumably after ruffling his hair and making him promise not to break any windows with his slingshot.
Noel Vasquez / Getty
“There’s no way he’ll ever figure out how to buy bullets.”
Last weekend, Williams smacked a guy in the head with a microphone for filming part of his stand-up performance. Then he was arrested two days later for threatening a restaurant manager with a pool cue and throwing a rock at a car containing a couple with a young child, because he is clearly possessed by the kind of irrational toddler rage that forces you to abruptly strike people with whatever is currently in your hand. Williams’ bail was posted by Suge Knight, a man perhaps best known for getting shot in a car with Tupac and dangling Vanilla Ice over a hotel balcony.
KMazur / Getty
Suge Knight, seen here at his part-time gig as a tower.
#3. “Rich and Famous” Bravado
While brandishing the aforementioned pool cue at the restaurant manager, Williams complained that the man was unfairly trying to “protect the customers from the famous guy,” because as we all know, if a minor celebrity wants to scream at people and break things, you are supposed to let them.
Later, while being arrested, he told the police that he had been arrested 30 times in the past couple months and that his millions of dollars would protect him from any serious consequences. He also vowed to get the arresting officer fired, which is the first phrase they teach you in Wealthy Dickhead school.
Rick Diamond / Getty
The second phrase they teach you is “Do you carry that in FaceF*CKing Crazy?”
#2. Ridiculous Lawsuits
A few months ago, Williams allegedly punched his assistant hard enough to send her to the hospital with permanent injuries (yes, that sentence contained the words “punched” and “her” in reference to a man who, ostensibly, is a comedian). No charges were filed, but she’s currently suing him for $5 million, which is roughly the amount he was paid for Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.
Even as a pigeon, he can’t stop getting in trouble.
Williams has still been doing shows throughout all this, although by all accounts the shows have sucked enough corpse penises to warrant legal action. One man was so enraged by the comedian’s performance (which included Williams taking some of his clothes off and threatening to fight the audience) that he filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who will never get that quarter hour of their lives back.
Williams himself declared that he would be suing Seattle for $50 million for “crippling my reputation as a father and a black man and as a taxpaying citizen and as a person who is not a convicted felon.” He also offered to pay Washington $300,000 if they let him and his family live on the state ferry in the same interview, because this is how crazy people speak.
Komo News
There’s an inverse relationship between the mass of beads on your neck and your grip on reality.
#1. Hilarious Getaway Vehicles
When Williams decided to take his three-wheeled motorcycle (typically ridden by children and called “a tricycle”) out for a spin on the sidewalk in Sacramento, the police stopped him to point out that motor vehicles are meant to be driven in the street. Williams offered them the rejoinder that he didn’t care and “sped” away, resulting in a sight gag of a pursuit. A week later, he slapped a Target employee in the face and hopped on a motorized shopping cart to make good his escape once the cashier called the cops (although Williams did stop to take french fries from a stranger in the food court, because nothing works up a hunger like being a goddamned lunatic).
Jemal Countess / Getty
This outfit alone burned off three value meals.
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Carine Felizardo, 25, is Miss BumBum 2012. The Pageant selects Brazil’s best butt.
Felizardo, a curvy Jessica Simpson-lookalike from the Brazilian state of Para, has just be crowned Miss Bum Bum, a title that rewards her for having the country’s s#xiest female posterior.
“I am overwhelmed, very, very happy,” the 25-year-old “booty queen” said tearfully upon receiving the coveted honor. “I would like to thank those who voted for me, those who believed in me, my family, my friends.”
Here is her winning entry:
Felizardo’s bottom rose to the top on Friday after a jury of six women and five men examined the tushes of 15 finalists in a Sao Paulo hotel – some behind closed doors.
Meet the top judge:
Here’s a gallery of pictures from the world’s most popular beauty pageant. Which picture do you like the best?
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13. Doubles competition:
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Article source: http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/53136/miss-bum-bum-2012/
Carine Felizardo, 25, is Miss BumBum 2012. The Pageant selects Brazil’s best butt.
Felizardo, a curvy Jessica Simpson-lookalike from the Brazilian state of Para, has just be crowned Miss Bum Bum, a title that rewards her for having the country’s s#xiest female posterior.
“I am overwhelmed, very, very happy,” the 25-year-old “booty queen” said tearfully upon receiving the coveted honor. “I would like to thank those who voted for me, those who believed in me, my family, my friends.”
Here is her winning entry:
Felizardo’s bottom rose to the top on Friday after a jury of six women and five men examined the tushes of 15 finalists in a Sao Paulo hotel – some behind closed doors.
Meet the top judge:
Here’s a gallery of pictures from the world’s most popular beauty pageant. Which picture do you like the best?
1.
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3.
4.
5.
6.
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13. Doubles competition:
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The Mayans announced today that when the world ends on December 21, 2012 – France will survive!
Mayans predicted the end of the world – and they are convinced that they will be proved correct. But WWN has learned that they also predicted that France will survive the apocalypse.
Mayan scholar, Dr. James Bellanca told WWN: ”It seems illogical that the world will end, but a single country will survive. But what the Mayans have said is that the world – meaning all the humans – will vanish on December 21, 2012. But, after carefully examining a recently unearthed tablet, it is clear that the Mayans predicted that anyone who is in France at the time of the Apocalypse – will survive.
This might explain why thousands of people are flocking to the foothills of the Pyrenees, to a tiny village nestled amid breathtaking landscapes.
Bugarach, with its two narrow streets, 176 residents, little agriculture, scores of wild orchids and virtually no pollution, was barely heard of a few years ago. Now, it’s arguably the most famous village in France, known variously as ”the village at the end of the world” or ”chosen village”, or “the doomsday destination”.
According to Mayan prophecy the sleepy village of Bugarach will be the capital of the new world, France. The mayor, Jean-Pierre Delord, a farmer in his 60s, was the first to report the apocalyptic forecast about France. He mentioned it at a council meeting, suggesting special security measures, perhaps army logistics, to handle an influx of visitors in December 2012. Someone at the meeting told the local press and before long world news agencies and Japanese TV crews were pacing the cobbles asking baffled villagers their views on armageddon.
Some in Bugarach believe that an alien spaceship from Planet Zeeba will come on December 21, 2012 and save all the residents. However, Dr. Bellanca told WWN that there will be no alien rescue of humans on the Mayan doomsday date. ”No, all of France will be saved. No aliens will come to save the people of Bugarach. But, the Mayans predicted that those people who are in Bugarach on that date, will be come the rulers of the new world. So, if you want to be a King or a Queen in the new world – pack your bags for Bugarach.”
The French government is proud that they are the “chosen people” of the Mayans. ”We always knew we were special and this confirms it,” said former Prime Minister Sarkozy. ”French people are much more evolved than any others on the planet. This has been obvious for centuries.”
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The Chicago Tribune famously published a premature headline declaring Thomas Dewey the winner of the 1948 election over Harry Truman, which you may recognize as a thing that didn’t happen. Amazingly, the news media does stuff like this all the time, because just like any other profession in the world, the news is full of clumsy assholes.
#4. Accidental Obituaries
Newspapers keep regularly updated “obituary drafts” of famous people who look like they might drop dead at any moment so they can be the first to break the story when it happens. Please note that “fame” and “relevance” do not always share a taxi, so many of these obits boil down to “Hey, remember this guy? Well he’s dead.”
Occasionally, the obituary drafts get published by mistake. The Associated Press released one for comedian Bob Hope, declaring him dead five years before it actually happened (to be fair, Bob Hope’s jokes had been dead for centuries). Bloomberg ran a 17-page obituary for Steve Jobs in 2008 (Jobs didn’t pass away until 2011), which seems a little excessive, considering that it rivals the length of the New York Times obituary for Gandhi, a person who arguably did more noteworthy things than make toys for rich people.
Keystone-France / Getty
And who unarguably had a better chest.
#3. Declaring Dead People Alive
Announcing that someone is dead when they are actually alive is bad, but reporting that a person is still alive when they’ve been reclaimed by eternity is way worse.
In this vein, we’d like to announce that Abraham Lincoln has spent the last 147 years hiding out as a street sweeper in Duluth.
In 2006, dozens of newspapers and websites ran front-page stories declaring that the miners trapped in the Sago Mine disaster in West Virginia had been rescued, when in reality all but one of them had been killed.
The story was already national news by that point, and families of the “survivors” had gathered at a local church to celebrate and await the return of their loved ones. This is like telling a child to wait up for Santa, and then explaining St. Nick’s absence the next morning by saying that he fell down the chimney and broke his neck.
Arguably worse, in 1912, The Christian Science Monitor (today a renowned and multiple Pulitzer Prize winning publication) printed an article claiming that the Titanic had been rescued by a tow ship and everyone on board had survived, when all but a handful of passengers and a Kate Winslet balloon animal had drowned.
“Shiftless young man undresses, abandons wealthy socialite.”
#2. The Completely Opposite Supreme Court Decision
CNN and Fox News dooked up one of the biggest stories of the year when they announced that the Supreme Court had overturned the “individual mandate” portion of the Affordable Care Act, effectively defeating the bill. This is like being given a jet pack but told that you must pay for it with infant bones.
Tom Williams / Getty
Worth it, but horrible.
Except the Supreme Court had done no such thing. They had merely begun discussing the possibility of it being overturned, which sent the two news giants sprinting to the airwaves and the Internet like 6-year-olds in a race to tell on each other:
CNN
Both networks corrected the error within minutes, but “minutes” is “forever” in Internet time.
#1. President-Elect Mitt Romney
Mere hours after the polls closed and news agencies began calling the 2012 election for Barack Obama, it seemed like Mitt Romney’s time in the spotlight was over.
Emmanuel Dunand / Getty
Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” is playing in his mind.
But apparently no one told the interns running his website, because for at least a few minutes on the night of November 6, Romney’s campaign page briefly turned into a deafening victory scream, declaring him president-elect and outlining his inauguration plans like a glimpse of some alternate Ray Bradbury future brought on by a time traveler buttF*CKing a dinosaur and changing the course of history.
Romney for President, Inc
At least the inauguration date is still accurate.
The page was quickly deleted, but the Internet is like a newspaper-hoarding schizophrenic — once you give it something, it keeps it forever.
For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog.
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SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now account for less than 24 percent of the shipping business, a six-month investigation by UPS officials confirmed Monday. “The latest numbers are, frankly, unacceptable, and a far cry from where the industry stood a decade ago, when the observed rate of middle-aged women receiving packages in titillating undergarments soared as high as 60 percent,” UPS spokesperson Mark Dickens told reporters. “Perhaps more upsetting is the fact that, of those still wearing carelessly fastened negligees or lace garter belts, a mere 12 percent are remarking on how very, very hot it is outside, inviting the deliverymen in for lemonade, and then conspicuously mentioning that their husbands are away at work and won’t be back for a long time. This is a problem that must be rectified immediately.” Despite the grim outlook for the home delivery service, a recent employee survey conducted by Time Warner Cable found that its repair technicians continued to report a steady bra-and-panties rate of 92 percent.
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WASHINGTON — Emergency doors locked and sirens wailing, the White
House was put on lockdown today as Vice President Joe Biden said he must find his missing car keys. At first, Biden laughed and said he knew “exactly” where he had put them, but a quick trip into a restroom stall was fruitless, according to accounts.
“They were, like, just in my hand,” Biden said, motioning a team toward another wing of the building. “No one can leave this place until I find them. And someone turn that siren off; I can’t hear myself think. “
White House communications official Britt Hammond was quick to dispel any rumors that this was a life-threatening situation. Hammond has maintained constant media contact since first discovering the motives behind the alert.
“Despite the vice president’s enthusiasm for finding the keys,”Hammond said, “I want to remind everyone that this not an emergency for anyone but Mr. Biden and his motorcade. However, the vice president has every right to put federal buildings on lockdown, so we are at his mercy until further notice.”
Around 9 a.m. this morning, Biden was sure he was close to victory as he reached down into a couch, but only found a few golden dollars left behind by tour groups that had taken the Metro.
“Waste not, want not,” Biden said, pocketing the coins. “Alright, gentlemen, lets roll up our sleeves and get back to it.”
Officials said they were hopeful to have the White House fully operational by late afternoon. One Secret Service member reportedly said that “last time this happened, it was on a Monday and no one got out until Tuesday evening.” Another was quick to add, “The vice president ordered pizza, though.”
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Military insignia is supposed to be badass and intimidating, but every so often somebody in the armed forces graphic design department catches brain fever brought on by mercury poisoning and comes up with patches that are so ridiculous, they would be better suited for mail order offers on the backs of comic books than representing a group of battle-hardened combat veterans.
#6. Ladd Air Force Base
Ladd Air Force Base at Ladd Field, Alaska, was responsible for cold-weather testing of aircraft and equipment during the Cold War. Their insignia is a giant polar bear with a dislocated shoulder doing an end zone victory dance with a cartoon rocket ship while farting out the Land O’Lakes sunrise. However, the frosty snowcaps do lend the image a quiet dignity.
#5. The Wisconsin Army National Guard
We’re sure this is racist, but damned if we can tell why.
The official symbol of the Wisconsin Army National Guard is a badger with Disney eyes that had its upper palate removed after springing a rusty bear trap outside of the Green Bay Country Club. It looks vaguely like Eddie Munster desperately searching for toilet paper in a Walmart bathroom, and as such it is unlikely to intimidate anything that isn’t clinging to a werewolf child’s sphincter beard.
#4. The Russian Spetsnaz
The official insignia of the Spetsnaz is a portrait of a lynx in the middle of viewing a Cheers marathon. Either that, or some droopy-faced Russian commander was shaking a bag of Whiskas just beyond our field of vision while the artist snapped a reference photo for this threaded masterpiece.
#3. The Royal New Zealand Air Force
The Royal New Zealand Air Force selected a kiwi, New Zealand’s adorable national bird, to serve as their insignia, even though “adorable” is more “Facebook search criteria” than “rallying battlefield totem.” Also, the kiwi is a flightless bird. We feel that neither of those two descriptors sends the appropriate message.
#2. The Belgian Army
Belgian Army via Tricolore Surplus
The Belgian Army Lion looks less like a lion and more like a Berenstain Bear wearing a flower costume to sell breakfast cereal to small children. Any closet it endorsed would open onto a busted battery recharger and old running shoes instead of the wintry forests of Narnia. There’s a reason Belgium is known as Europe’s battleground, and that is because Chuckles the Unibrow Lion is unable to discourage other armies from invading.
#1. The Brazilian Expeditionary Force
We’re gonna guess that’s not tobacco.
The Brazilian Expeditionary Force sent troops to assist the Allied forces during World War II, and as the result of an idea that clearly never made it past the first-draft stage, they decided that their patch should feature a snake smoking a pipe, as if it’s about to tell its 12-year-old son where babies come from or locate the source of a counterfeit stream of 10-pound notes in 19th century London.
Brazil’s dictator at the time was Getulio Vargas, who was so committed to Brazil’s neutrality that he proclaimed, “It’s easier for snakes to smoke than for Brazil to join the war.” When the war inevitably came to Brazil, the BEF embraced the irony and went with the smoking snake, essentially making their insignia a political cartoon. This is despite the fact that political cartoons are terrible, and any joke that requires a history lesson is about as funny as a St. Jude’s commercial.
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Onion Weather Center
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