I forget where I found this, but it is totally awesome! 

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ‘self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

SMURF VILLIAGE, (UPI) — A phony little blue man and pseudo wizard is one of the biggest deadbeat dads in the forest, The Brainy News reported Monday.

Papa Smurf, 63, a former mental patient who legally changed his name to Prince Big Daddy Pimpy Smurf von Habsburg Lothringen and calls himself the King of Smurf Village, is wanted by family court authorities in Smurf County, SM., for the non-payment of more than $500,000 to his abandoned family.

The News said Meyers left his family in late 2003, as his wife was in the hospital giving birth to their 800th son, Jokey. His arrest record includes Smurf trafficking and check Smurfing charges, but also years of work as a Gargamel informant who was instrumental in delivering several big potions.

“I hate Papa Smurf,” said son Grouchy Smurf, whom the News said has pursued the “Papa” to no effect. “He’s got like a thousand kids. He sits there making deals with Gargamel, while we live in Mushrooms.  Yeah, we live in f’ing mushrooms.  What kind of Dad lets his kids live in mushrooms?  F’ING MUSHROOMS!!!”

Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)

The city of Bum F’ing, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.

City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.

“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here.  People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad.  “We think this change will help the overall image.  We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo.  Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”

“I let down a lot of people,” said Woods, in his statement. “It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares.”

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

“I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid,” said Woods. “These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have sex with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help.”

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

“Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks,” he said. “I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold.”

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

Source:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:661/tiger-woods-sincerely-apologizes-for-that-5-he-did

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.