In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.

“I let down a lot of people,” said Woods, in his statement. “It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares.”

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

“I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid,” said Woods. “These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have sex with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help.”

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

“Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks,” he said. “I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold.”

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

Source:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:661/tiger-woods-sincerely-apologizes-for-that-5-he-did

Popularity: 7% [?]

The fight between reality TV’s most famous dad, Jon Gosselin , and TLC is finally over.

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement Wednesday. “Jon will receive six packs of smokes, some ‘douchbag’ t-shirts, hair gel, and three trips to see an Asian hooker.”

A source close to the situation says that “Jon is very happy with the deal,” and, “is just content to be rid of the bitch.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

At first glance, there wouldn’t seem to be a lot of obvious upsides to Kevin Smith’s getting ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. Even if the director ranks among Twitter’s hottest trending topics, significantly goosing the number of media mentions for his new action-comedy, “Cop Out,” which hits theaters on Feb. 26.

But while the incident — and Smith’s subsequent Tweakout about the ordeal, dubbed “Fatgate” —  continues to generate headlines worldwide, it’s not the first time the “Clerks” writer-director has suffered an ignominious, weight-related embarrassment just days before theatrically releasing a new movie.

In 2008, just before the roll-out of his under-performing romantic comedy “Zach and Miri Make a (CENSORED),” Smith suffered a similar humiliation: He admitted that his self-described “morbid obesity” had been responsible for the destruction of a household appliance. And then, as now, he milked it for all it was worth on his blog and in interviews.

“I broke a toilet,” he told The Times. “That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit. That was an old toilet and a very water-logged wall. But still, there’s no excuses, dude. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me. It was the toilet.’ It was definitely me! And that’s a wake-up call.”

Asked why he would volunteer such a potentially embarrassing story about himself, Smith demurred. “It’s a good story,” he said. “It’s tough not to tell even though I’m the fat clown at the center of it. Putting it out there is saying, ‘I get it. I understand.’ ”

In the immediate aftermath of the director’s Twitter tirade, various blogs weighed in on the matter. Gawker.com hailed the director’s Tweakout as “the best thing Kevin Smith has written since ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’ ” TMZ, meanwhile, observed “Southwest Should Fit Wide Loads” in its headline about the incident.

Although it is too soon to gauge Smith’s impact on Southwest’s bottom line, anecdotal evidence suggests that he has galvanized his Twitter constituency by vilifying the airline’s treatment of Customers of Size.

“Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool,” Smith tweeted Saturday. “But fair warning folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SouthwestAir.”

The response from many of Smith’s followers has been unequivocal.

On Sunday, one named @chaseronio likened the director to no less than Martin Luther King Jr. in a tweet: “Ur the MLK of fatties.”

“I have a Dream,” Smith twittered back with deadpan aplomb. “And two lunches (meatball parm & Trix). And a couple of Twinkies. And a Diet Coke.”

– Chris Lee

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/movies/2010/02/kevin-smith.html

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Hollywood Hooker Association would like to acknowledge Charlie Sheen on Valentine’s Day for his support of our community.

Over the past two years, 1,754 hookers have been employed by Mr. Sheen, enough to fill a small sports complex, including parking lots and walkways. “Thank you” for your dedication and determination to our cause.  Without you, many of these single mothers would have to get jobs and find gainful employment.

Popularity: 2% [?]

More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV — the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.

Who were the people who did — and did not — watch the game? Here’s what Nielsen tells us.

WHO WATCHED

Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)

Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)

the few remaining living fans of The Who

former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)

families of players

secret families of players

the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies

people with a mole fetish

Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)

those legitimately trying to find out who dat

non-sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

WHO DIDN’T WATCH

Cooper Manning (couldn’t get out of shift at Red Lobster)

Eli Manning (couldn’t find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)

dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags

THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE F–K IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!

Drew Brees’ son (napping)

The Who (napping)

those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl

those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl

Michael Vick

remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion

nerds

sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

Source – http://www.sportspickle.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

ATLANTA – Ted Jamazas, a mall security guard working on the East Side of Atlanta, is suing the Under Armour company after his tight “protective” clothing proved useless in a gunfight.

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Etsy.com, a website dedicated to selling home made arts and crafts, reported Friday that sales of the Vulva Pendant with Filigree Bush are at an all time low.  This comes as a huge blow to the economy, and is likely linked to a 200-point immediate drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 

“This comes as a huge blow to the economic stimulus package,” said President Barack Obama.  “Setbacks like these continue to derail our economic revival plan. We can’t imagine why sales are down.” 

The site is known as a place where homemakers can sell products, and is used by experts on Wall street to indicate the state of the economy.  Until sales increase, no economic recovery is in sight.

Popularity: 9% [?]

After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

Popularity: 3% [?]

“Yo!  We are like so friggin’ tired of bein’ stereotyped as obnoxious an’ uneducated Yankees.  We ain’t going to take any more of dis’ business,” said Jersey Shore cast member Paulie D after watching a news segment about how the cast of the show are being stereotyped.  “I gots a family in the canole business, and they ain’t going to take any more of this junk.  Ya’ know what I mean?”

The cast of Jersey Shore is apparently very upset with the way they are being portrayed on television.  Snookie, the female lead on the series stated that she is, “tired of being made to look like a friggin’ materialistic moron” and that she “only went on this show so (she could) pay for her new breast implants.”

Popularity: 4% [?]

Refugees were welcomed to the United States after a natural disaster leveled their country.  However, many refugees were not impressed with their new residence in the “land of opportunity.” 

“We got off the boat and were welcomed to the Port of New Orleans (left),” said one impoverished refugee.  “Upon arrival, half of us were bused to Detroit.  The others were allowed to find harbor in post Hurricane Katrina urban settlement camps.  Quite frankly, it was better at home.”  

It isn’t all doom and gloom for the refugees.  The Mayor of New Orleans has pledged to find a more comfortable location for them.  In fact, sources close to the A/S News Universe Syndicate state that he has almost reached a deal for emergency shelter at the Louisiana Superdome.  In Michigan, the refugees are already finding haven in the Pontiac Silverdome.  The refugees have already assembled a football team in Pontiac that has gone undefeated in scrimmages with the Detroit Lions.  It should be noted that based on unfortunate economic conditions in Michigan, many Detroiters are lining up with the intent of moving to Canada to improve their current status living.

Popularity: 1% [?]

“We really should have thought this out a bit more,”  said Afrosquad’s lead reported the SnowMan.  “Had I realized the acronym for Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate spelled A.N.U.S., I would have never paid to put the sign on our new building.” 

After christening the A.N.U.S. building, the Afrosquad celebrated long into the evening.  With over 3,000 people in and out of the A.N.U.S. last night, the Squad feels like they have really broken in the new building. 

“The name is a bit awkward, but when you consider how shitty other news syndicates are, it really seems appropriate,” said Afrosquad’s KrazyMan.  “Despite our pleasure, this really stinks.”  

The A.N.U.S. started small, with just a few people in it.  However, the hopes are that the A.N.U.S. will keep growing for years to come. 

“After last night’s blow out, this thing really feels right.  It is amazing how wrecked this place got though.  We better call a cleanup crew.”

Popularity: 2% [?]