Would you expect anything less from the executives at Fox?  We guessed not! 

This afternoon, the producers of American Idol announced that Fox Broadcasting plans on bringing in the zombie corpse of former American Idol judge Paula Abdul to replace Simon Cowell when he leaves the show.  They explained how her recent departure from prime time was only due to a slight bout with death, and that she is “as capable as ever” as a brain dead flesh eating night stalker. 

“We feel this is a big win for the folks at Fox,” said a network executive.  “Despite years of relative incoherant blathering, Paula has always been America’s favorite judge.  I don’t think that America will even notice that she is a drooling flesh-eating zombie.  It is hard to even notice a difference.”

Executives continued to explain that the contestants have nothing to fear from the brain-loving ex-cheerleader.  They stated in a press release late on Thursday that “our contestants don’t even have brains.  Besides, who is better to participate in Fox’s brain numbing programming than Zombie Paula?  No other body will do.”  

Popularity: 18% [?]

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

Popularity: 21% [?]

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned doctors who worked on Michael Jackson at the UCLA Medical Center ran two EKGs on the singer, and at least one doctor who interpreted the results claims there was heart rhythmic activity both times.

Furthermore, sources tell TMZ Dr. Conrad Murray insists he was able to restart Jackson’s heart at the singer’s home before paramedics arrived and then maintained heart activity in the ambulance.

Dr. Murray’s evaluation contradicts paramedics at the scene who wanted to take Jackson to the morgue, not UCLA, because they believed he was dead.

It also contradicts Joe Jackson’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, who tells TMZ he believes Jackson was dead even before paramedics arrived at the house. Oxman says the weak pulse detected at UCLA was in reaction to resuscitation efforts.

We’re told the criminal case is shaping up as a legal war between medical experts, who will be interpreting medical tests and charts in various ways — always confusing for a jury.

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0jfefqm17

AfroSquad Concludes:  Michael Jackson is a Zombie!

Popularity: 10% [?]

Leif Garrett was not arrested so far this morning in Los Angeles for possession of a controlled substance.

The former teen idol was busted at 11:20 AM on Monday at the Metrolink station in downtown Los Angeles by the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.  However, he has not been arrested so far today

Furthermore, Garrett was not taken into custody and placed behind bars yet today.  We consider this the hottest news of the day, as this marks 12 hours without an arrest for Garrett. 

Garrett’s been busted on the Metro Red Line before — back in 2006, he was caught for allegedly riding without a ticket … but heroin and Quaaludes were found in his possession. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail for the incident.

Garrett is due back in court on February 24.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Saying that he doesn’t want to take part in American Idol, Simon Cowell announced he will step down from the program.  What do you think?

KrazyMan
Afro-Squad Pimp

“Faced with a struggling network, some might have gone with a long-term solution of cultivating talent and developing groundbreaking programming, but Simon found a quick and superficial answer that involved a shockingly small amount of thought and effort.  Great idea.”

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Shanghai Pete
Evil Henchman

“Of all the evil jerks on Fox, he was my favorite.”

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Whitey
Afro-Squad Stuntman

“We really need to get our priorities straight.  With Conan, Jay, and Simon leaving TV, we really need to consider paying these guys more.”

Popularity: 2% [?]