Afro-Squad Magazine

I forget where I found this, but it is totally awesome! 

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After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

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“Slow the f’ down!  This is a school zone.”

I took this picture in Orlando, FL.  I would like to file it under, “funny crap that teenagers do.”

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Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

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“Please come join me in the biggest party the Gulf has ever seen!  We’ll have beer, oil, girls, and methane!”  That’s what a sign read that was posted on the seaside pillar of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig.  Now deep sea divers are uncovering the remnants of 60 tons of steel at the bottom of the ocean.  People are calling it “one bad assed party” gone wrong.   

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ‘self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

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Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

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The Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate would like to thank the proud members of the Afro-Squad Army for all their sacrifices in the their efforts to stop the Man.  Pictured left are the grandparents of Squad members Jordi Scrubbings, SnowMan Jones, Rated R Afro-Star, Afa, and KrazyMan.  These brave individuals fought in Iwo Jima back in in 1945, when the Man tried to take over China and much of Asia.

The Afro-Squad had just liberated Europe from the Man.  Here is to you, our liberators from evil.

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s#xy Afro-Squad fan XO was another victim in the series of dirty sanchezes.  This occurrance happened late in the evening on 24 March 2010.

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

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Although Bigfoot was sighted with Paris Hilton earlier this week, it appears that another Bigfoot was seen on a golf course in New York.  This New York Bigfoot has a really big foot, and he frightens many.

Despite the fact that no actual photos exist, “Bigfoot Steve” is estimated at 180 foot tall, weighing an approximate 500 tons.

“We just hope he is a tourist,” said a New York State Representative. ”The mere thought of a 180 foot tall angry New York native is just frightening.  I mean, we can deal with an angry hairy giant ape.  However, if you add a New York attitude… the country is F$*@ed!”

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We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

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In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.

“I let down a lot of people,” said Woods, in his statement. “It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares.”

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

“I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid,” said Woods. “These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have s#x with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help.”

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

“Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks,” he said. “I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold.”

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

Source:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:661/tiger-woods-sincerely-apologizes-for-that-5-he-did

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The fight between reality TV’s most famous dad, Jon Gosselin , and TLC is finally over.

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement Wednesday. “Jon will receive six packs of smokes, some ‘douchbag’ t-shirts, hair gel, and three trips to see an Asian hooker.”

A source close to the situation says that “Jon is very happy with the deal,” and, “is just content to be rid of the b!tch.”

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New York Senator Eric T. Schnederman’s secretary probably summed it up best. Her boss, a well known representative from New York, “is a warm person who is not good at assessing sensitivities of his audience.”

In other words, if Schnederman had kept his hands to himself, people wouldn’t be so pissed. Instead, the Republican candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois Matt Murphy (who was a former dorm mate of Schneiderman) has demanded Eric be removed from his duties for the duration of his tenure. Matt claims that Eric had no right to “do the nasty on his pillow!”

There is no question that Schnederman’s conduct was out of bounds. Two females claimed that, on various occasions, Schnederman liked to “jack with Murphy.” He also had stained up his bed sheets, as well as others.

“I come in to the office from a long day of politicking, and Matt does this?” said Matt.  “I am so going to give him the atomic sit up tomorrow!”

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Etsy.com, a website dedicated to selling home made arts and crafts, reported Friday that sales of the Vulva Pendant with Filigree Bush are at an all time low.  This comes as a huge blow to the economy, and is likely linked to a 200-point immediate drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 

“This comes as a huge blow to the economic stimulus package,” said President Barack Obama.  “Setbacks like these continue to derail our economic revival plan. We can’t imagine why sales are down.” 

The site is known as a place where homemakers can sell products, and is used by experts on Wall street to indicate the state of the economy.  Until sales increase, no economic recovery is in sight.

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We at the Afro-Squad are constantly working to improve the world.  This time, we decided to focus on America’s past time.  That’s right, we are going to improve the great sport of baseball. 

Over the past few decades, baseball has changed its rules to accommodate its viewers.  It has made adjustments and tweaks to appeal to the Mtv generation, but the Major Leagues have never had any major changes. 

Here are a list of changes that we feel will help the big leagues stay as fresh a new pouch of Big League Chew. 

1)      More blood.  Allow runners to sharpen their cleats.  Ty Cobb used to do it back in baseball’s hay day.  Why can’t runners do it now.  Imagine how much more interesting it would be if a runner slides into third base a set of razor sharp blades attached to his feet.  Who wouldn’t want to see that?

2)      Hot catchers.  The days of crusty old comic legends like Johnny Bench and Bob Uecker are long gone.  Now it is time to have hotties squatting behind home plate.  A simple rule change requiring a busty blonde behind the plate would make those long games so much more entertaining.  Of course, the uniform would have to require cute skirts and panties, but baseball has to change if it wants more viewers!

3)      Loaded bats.  What is so wrong with a corked bat?  It only makes you more able to smash the dickens out of some ball.  Why not encourage hitters to cork their bats.  Hell, MLB should hire teams at NASA to produce the most powerful bat in the universe.  Wouldn’t you want to see a buy like Barry Bonds crush a ball 1,000 feet?  I know I would.

4)      Bears on unicycles.  Replace general managers with bears on unicycles.  I am not sure what this would do, but the world needs more bears on unicycles. 

5)      Explosions.  How about adding some low powered land mines in the base path.  I am not talking about anything that could kill, but maybe an explosion just powerful enough to knock the hell out of somebody.  It would make running the bases a little more like Russian Roulette.

I have plenty of other suggestions, but we’ll wait to let baseball try some of these before I announce them.

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