LOS ANGELES – Heidi Montag says her decision to undergo 10 cosmetic surgery procedures in one day almost killed her. And despite her alleged brush with death, Montag says she’s ready to share her new body in the pages of Playboy again — as soon as she gets all of her normal movement back.

“I almost died after my procedure,” Montag told Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush on Monday. “I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. (I was) in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times.”

“I am just so happy to have the fat removed from my elbows and these fresh cuticle implants.  It was totally worth it.  I mean, it was kinda scary and all, but who wants to live if they have an imperfect body?  I was so scared by the ordeal, I almost cancelled seven surgeries scheduled for next week” she continued.

Afro-Squad reporter Shanghai Pete would like to express his concern with Miss Montag.  He really wishes they had just used a bit more Demerol.

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The 2010 Celebrity Death Polls have pointed out that Nick Nolte is the odds on favorite celebrity to die in 2010. In preparation for this, the A/S News Universe Syndicate has written a eulogy for Mr. Nolte in advance. We like to be prepared, so here it is:

“Nick’s death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. He died as he lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm (CENSORED) he shot with her Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched many of our children. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.”

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