We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

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Etsy.com, a website dedicated to homemade products, recently announced a new line of flavored “Vegan Vulva Lip Balm.”  In other words, it is a homemade flavored ointment made to keep your vaginal lips moist, and it is not made of animal materials.  (We aren’t making that up.)

Flavors include vanilla lavender, cherry, honey, and berry.  Despite requests by A.N.U.S. staff, many flavors are still unavailable.  “We requested more natural berry flavors, like ’dingle,” but the product’s creator didn’t think it would sell well.”

Other unsuccessful flavors include fish oil, fromunda cheese, and (for the fatty) bacon.

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At first glance, there wouldn’t seem to be a lot of obvious upsides to Kevin Smith’s getting ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. Even if the director ranks among Twitter’s hottest trending topics, significantly goosing the number of media mentions for his new action-comedy, “Cop Out,” which hits theaters on Feb. 26.

But while the incident — and Smith’s subsequent Tweakout about the ordeal, dubbed “Fatgate” —  continues to generate headlines worldwide, it’s not the first time the “Clerks” writer-director has suffered an ignominious, weight-related embarrassment just days before theatrically releasing a new movie.

In 2008, just before the roll-out of his under-performing romantic comedy “Zach and Miri Make a (CENSORED),” Smith suffered a similar humiliation: He admitted that his self-described “morbid obesity” had been responsible for the destruction of a household appliance. And then, as now, he milked it for all it was worth on his blog and in interviews.

“I broke a toilet,” he told The Times. “That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit. That was an old toilet and a very water-logged wall. But still, there’s no excuses, dude. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me. It was the toilet.’ It was definitely me! And that’s a wake-up call.”

Asked why he would volunteer such a potentially embarrassing story about himself, Smith demurred. “It’s a good story,” he said. “It’s tough not to tell even though I’m the fat clown at the center of it. Putting it out there is saying, ‘I get it. I understand.’ ”

In the immediate aftermath of the director’s Twitter tirade, various blogs weighed in on the matter. Gawker.com hailed the director’s Tweakout as “the best thing Kevin Smith has written since ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’ ” TMZ, meanwhile, observed “Southwest Should Fit Wide Loads” in its headline about the incident.

Although it is too soon to gauge Smith’s impact on Southwest’s bottom line, anecdotal evidence suggests that he has galvanized his Twitter constituency by vilifying the airline’s treatment of Customers of Size.

“Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool,” Smith tweeted Saturday. “But fair warning folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SouthwestAir.”

The response from many of Smith’s followers has been unequivocal.

On Sunday, one named @chaseronio likened the director to no less than Martin Luther King Jr. in a tweet: “Ur the MLK of fatties.”

“I have a Dream,” Smith twittered back with deadpan aplomb. “And two lunches (meatball parm & Trix). And a couple of Twinkies. And a Diet Coke.”

– Chris Lee

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/movies/2010/02/kevin-smith.html

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The Grim Reaper from Hell woke up from a medically induced coma Tuesday, according to his sons — and immediately started barking commands from his Hollywood hospital bed.

Lil’ Death and Skull Face tell TMZ their dad “showed some good signs of improvement” today, including killing three B-list celebrities before lunch.

Reaper’s sons — who have been very critical of his inability to kill Britney Spears and Paris Hilton  – say they are “encouraged but still very cautious” as the Reaper recovers from a stress induced stroke he suffered on Friday.  People are saying that he had a big 2009, and that he just couldn’t keep up the pace. 

One really good sign — his sons tell us that shortly after waking up, Harris told his doctors and nurses: “Don’t f**k up or I will kill all of you.  And hurry up.  Eminem is still out there, and I need to get him!”

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This steaming pile of celebrity news is coming straight from the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Tiger Woods made the statement today that it was Satan that made him “take interest in extramarital affairs.”  Tiger went on to say, “I need to keep Satan out of my life because he has ruined a lot of good things for me.” 

The A.N.U.S. interviewed the Crown Prince of Darkness.  The Dark Overlord had this to say, “I had nothing to do with Mr. Woods’ affairs.  Please leave me out of this one.  I take enough heat for the whole Holocaust thing.”

We’ll have more as the story unfolds. 

Photo Credit: Shafali

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After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

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Heidi Montag recently had ten cosmetic surgical operations.  However, many people are saying that she looks worse after all the surgery.  A particular item of discussion is that many people say that her lips look worse since the surgery.  We’ve interviewed both Heidi and her lips, and we’ll let them give their opinions.

Heidi:  “I think people expect you to look perfect.  I had several botox and fat injections, which I think make my lips look more full.  In fact, I think they look great!”

Heidi’s lips:  “Leave us the f#ck alone, bitch!”  

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