Afro-Squad Magazine

Created by Afro-Squad.com, we made s#xy Kim Kardashian a zombie for Halloween!  Please leave your comments!

Exclusive to Afro-Squad.com

Kim Kardashian as a Zombie!

Popularity: 15% [?]

I am updating the Pimp of the Year page.

http://afro-squad.com/blog/pimp-of-the-year-updates/

I would love some photos for the years that don’t have “winners.”  For example, I don’t have a photo of a celebrity pimp from 1988.

I particularly need a good pimp photo for Cartman from Southpark.

Any photoshop guys out there up for the challenge?  E-Mail ninja@ ninjapimp.com

Popularity: 9% [?]

The folks who brough you the Afro-Squad have a bunch of “sister” websites.  We brought you the Kendricks, a pseudo celebrity wrestling website.  We brought you Wrestling911, a pro wrestling journal.  We brought you NinjaPimp Magazine, a men’s magazine.  Hell we even brought you a few great Youtube channels. 

One of our top growing websites is Marcus’ Pitt.  Marcus Pitt is a sports entertainment writer, and he focuses on indy wrestling.  His page is growing quickly, and it is one of our favorite sites.  In fact, he details the trials and tribulations of indy wrestler Chris Nelson in a featured article called ”The Full Nelson.”

If you get a chance, please check out www.MarcusPitt.com and read the Full Nelson!

Popularity: 7% [?]

We’d like to announce the launch of our celebrity site about pro wrestling couple, the Kendricks.  Please check it out at www.wrestling911.com/kendrick

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“Michael Jackson, like Elvis, is sick and tired of being larger than life and wants to get a life,” said world-renowned psychic and metaphysician Dr. Andy Reiss at the time.

“The superstar trip has trapped Michael in Neverland. Also there’s a very good chance he could end up in prison if he’s convicted of child s#x abuse.

“The only way out of this mess he’s in is to fake his death, cut his hair and go underground,” says Dr. Reiss, who specializes in celebrity predictions.

Dr. Reiss believes The Gloved One will try to escape his hellish existence by “dying” in Neverland, his remote amusement park retreat.

“The cover story will be that Michael Jackson suffered a fatal heart attack while riding his Ferris wheel. Jackson’s ‘remains’ will be cremated and his ‘ashes’ will be scattered on the grounds of his estate,” he explains.

“The only way for Michael to start a fresh new life is to end the grotesque  life he has now. He learned the trick from Elvis.”

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While Jackson did not end his days at his beloved Neverland, he did indeed “die” of a heart attack this afternoon.

Did Jackson’s plans come to fruition? Is he still alive somewhere?

Source:  http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/9352/michael-jackson-faked-his-own-death/

Popularity: 12% [?]

We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

Popularity: 14% [?]

For two weeks every four years, Olympians dominate the world stage. But then they quickly fade back into oblivion. What became of all the stars of the Vancouver Olympics after the Games ended?

SportsPickle takes a look.

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Evgeni Plushenko – Russia: figure skating

Plushenko continued to live in denial over his silver medal. He later became President of the Soviet Union, led the nation to a resounding defeat of the United States via superior figure skating jumps, flew to Neptune on the back of a unicorn, and deep down inside knew that everyone totally envied his rad haircut.

Johnny Weir – USA: figure skating

After 25 years of being made fun of, Weir decided to step in line and bought a bunch of cheap, ill-fitting jeans, a few plaid shirts, and some baseball hats. Today he works at a steel mill and plays third base for the company softball team. Good for him!

Shani Davis – USA: speed skating

The Chicago native used his own money to build inner city speed skating rinks in cities throughout the country, hoping to earn back his money via rink memberships, lessons and ticket sales to speed skating events. He went bankrupt.

Shaun White – USA: snowboarding

After winning gold in the men’s halfpipe, White went on to stomp an endo on a flippy mix trip top double McRondo with a tight stack hitch triple rex. He later tricked a stoked quad mac on a hemi track triple purple slide over tap double lexicon, which he still does to this day.

Kim Yu-na – South Korea: figure skating

Kim continued to skate and win championships. In 2027, despite years of efforts from her trainers and handlers to prevent it, she hit puberty. Luckily it came at the beginning of a long routine in Stars on Ice, and by the time the routine was over, menopause had begun, allowing her to keep her girlish figure.

Evan Lysacek – USA: figure skating

Lysacek continued skating. To a younger generation, he is probably best known for the song “What Would Evan Lysacek Do?”, featured in a 2021 irreverent animated movie.

Lindsey Vonn – USA: skiing

Vonn continued skiing along with fellow American medalist Julia Mancuso. One day, while skiing in Vail, they both collided so hard they knocked each other out. Also, the impact was so violent all of their clothes flew off. Luckily, I was there on vacation. So they’re laying there naked in the snow and I give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. They both wake up and are so happy to be alive they kiss each other. A lot. And they do a lot more than just kiss, if you know what I mean. Then, they’re so grateful to me for saving their lives, that they (still naked!) take me back to the lodge and we do it for, like, hours and hours on a bear-skin rug in front of a roaring fire. This may have been a dream.

Sidney Crosby – Canada: hockey

Having accomplished everything a hockey player could ever hope to accomplish by the age of 22, Crosby retired from the sport and got married and raised a family, happily living off the millions of dollars he made in his brief and remarkably successful athletic career, content with his life. A complete and total failure.

Bode Miller – USA: skiing

Miller retired soon after the Vancouver Games and fell out of the limelight. But the name “Bode” remains popular among hippie parents who live in cold climates and hate their children.

Apolo Anton Ohno – USA: short track speed skating

As the winner of the most medals by an American in Winter Olympics history, Ohno continued to build on the celebrity that earned him a spot on “Dancing With The Stars”. He went on to appear on “Celebrity Apprentice”, “I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!”, “Celebrity Fit Club”, and “Fat Celebrities Dancing and Making Business Deals in the Jungle”. He was the most enduring “star” of the 2010 Games.

Steve Holcomb – USA: bobsled

After piloting the U.S. to its first bobsled gold in 62 years, Holcomb was sought out by investors and the U.S. government to help replace the automobile and remake the American transportation infrastructure via zero-fuel bobsled technology. Icy, pitched tracks were built all across the country. A person could get in a bobsled in New York City (at 10,000 feet) and — three hours later — be in Los Angeles powered only by gravity. Unfortunately, the unexpected cost of refrigerating all but a few of the most northern tracks was not accounted, nor were the lawsuit costs from the many Americans who died in bobsled crashes. The United States went bankrupt and was taken over by Soviet leader Plushenko.

Read More from Sports Pickle:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:686/vancouver-2010-olympians-where-are-they-now

Popularity: 3% [?]

A duck named Edwina, believed to be the oldest recorded living duck in the United Kingdom, has died at the age of 22. The mallard was first discovered by Ian Knight and Christine Christopher in a lake near their residence in the market town of Ringwood in Hampshire, England. Edwina, as she was later called, had been attacked by her family and abandoned by her own mother.

Ian helped the duck to recover its health and, after a failed attempt to release the creature back into the wild, the duck was adopted as a family pet. She was originally given the male name Edward; however, when — to the shock of Christopher and Knight – it was discovered that she had the ability to lay eggs, her name was changed to Edwina. Some of the habits of the duck included drinking tea and swimming in a sink.

The creature gained popularity upon her 22nd birthday when the British Trust for Ornithology rendered Edwina the oldest recorded mallard in the United Kingdom. The Trust said that the oldest recorded age for a creature of that type in the wild in the country was 20 years and 5 months.

Edwina died peacefully on Monday inside her pen. Ian Knight commented, “She hadn’t been well over Christmas. Her legs were a bit wobbly and we were concerned that she wasn’t her normal self. We had been planning to take her to the vet’s when we discovered that she had passed away. It might sound silly to some people but 22 years is a long time to have a pet and we are heartbroken to have lost Edwina.” Knight also explained that “[s]he had become a bit of a celebrity and, after we appeared on television on her 22nd birthday, someone recognised me at Palma Airport in Majorca.”

Source:  http://www.bizarrenews.org/content/view/135/1/

Popularity: 4% [?]

The 2010 Celebrity Death Polls have pointed out that Nick Nolte is the odds on favorite celebrity to die in 2010. In preparation for this, the A/S News Universe Syndicate has written a eulogy for Mr. Nolte in advance. We like to be prepared, so here it is:

“Nick’s death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. He died as he lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm P#RN he shot with her Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched many of our children. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.”

Popularity: 4% [?]

Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the presidential ring, promising to take on that old “wrinkly, white-haired guy” and paint the White House pink if elected.

In a spoof campaign ad featured on the Web site Funny Or Die, Hilton delivered a tart response to John McCain’s recent attack ad, in which he dismissed Obama as just another vapid celebrity like Paris Hilton.

The ad calls McCain “the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket.”

While reclining on a chair in a skimpy bathing costume and gold stilettos, the 27-year-old celebutante announced her presidential ambitions:

“Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity, too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude.

“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says. (Watch Paris Hilton’s campaign video)

She then went on to detail her plan to solve the energy crisis:

“We could do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars,” Hilton says. “That way the offshore drilling carries us until new technologies kick in which will then create new jobs and energy independence.

“Energy crisis solved! I’ll see you at the debates, b!tches!”

She signed off by saying she was considering tapping singer-songwriter Rihanna as her vice president.

“I’ll see you at the White House,” Hilton adds. “Oh, and I might paint it pink. Bye!” (Watch Hilton’s campaign video)

Here’s how the McCain campaign responded: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis — including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

And the Obama campaign’s official response: “Whatever.”

Credit:  Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor Blog 

Popularity: 3% [?]

This steaming pile of celebrity news is coming straight from the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Tiger Woods made the statement today that it was Satan that made him “take interest in extramarital affairs.”  Tiger went on to say, “I need to keep Satan out of my life because he has ruined a lot of good things for me.” 

The A.N.U.S. interviewed the Crown Prince of Darkness.  The Dark Overlord had this to say, “I had nothing to do with Mr. Woods’ affairs.  Please leave me out of this one.  I take enough heat for the whole Holocaust thing.”

We’ll have more as the story unfolds. 

Photo Credit: Shafali

Popularity: 3% [?]

After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

Popularity: 3% [?]