Every Friday from now on we’ll post a funny picture.  Please check back weekly!!!

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Sixth grader Adam Jonas completed a deal early today to move Tracy McGrady.

A person with knowledge of the deal said the Jonas sent McGrady, Carl Landry and Joey Dorsey to classmate Tommy Higdon for high-scoring guard Kevin Martin.  To many, this is a coup for Jonas, who first started collecting basketball cards earlier this year.

Adam will also receive forward Kenny Thomas, center Hilton Armstrong and point guard Sergio Rodriguez. Adam will send 25 cents in cash to the Tommy, but, with the swap, will also provide two new pencils and a Sponge Bob eraser.

“Tommy really just did it for the Sponge Bob eraser,” the person with knowledge of the deal said. “Throw in McGrady and it was a steal!”

The deal still needs to be approved by Mrs. Stancil, who has banned all basketball card trading, except during recess.

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The fight between reality TV’s most famous dad, Jon Gosselin , and TLC is finally over.

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement Wednesday. “Jon will receive six packs of smokes, some ‘douchbag’ t-shirts, hair gel, and three trips to see an Asian hooker.”

A source close to the situation says that “Jon is very happy with the deal,” and, “is just content to be rid of the bitch.”

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It was scary for the ex-president as paramedics scooped him up and rushed him to the closest hospital after complaining of having a ‘heart on’ in time for Valentine’s Day.

The twenty-two pound heart-shaped tin contained some of the world’s most prized Belgium chocolates and Clinton was hoping to surprise his wife Hillary with a massive Heart On for February 14th!

Long considered to be the most romantic president since Millard Filmore, Clinton had shopped for the chocolates at Macy’s earlier in the day and was carrryng his heart on when he felt ill and weak.

The last time the ex-president had such a huge ‘heart on’ was in 1998 when he stained a very famous blue dress from the Gap.

From his hospital bed, Clinton mentioned that it was a Spoof article that gave him the idea for the heart on.

Source – TheSpoof.com

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At first glance, there wouldn’t seem to be a lot of obvious upsides to Kevin Smith’s getting ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. Even if the director ranks among Twitter’s hottest trending topics, significantly goosing the number of media mentions for his new action-comedy, “Cop Out,” which hits theaters on Feb. 26.

But while the incident — and Smith’s subsequent Tweakout about the ordeal, dubbed “Fatgate” —  continues to generate headlines worldwide, it’s not the first time the “Clerks” writer-director has suffered an ignominious, weight-related embarrassment just days before theatrically releasing a new movie.

In 2008, just before the roll-out of his under-performing romantic comedy “Zach and Miri Make a (CENSORED),” Smith suffered a similar humiliation: He admitted that his self-described “morbid obesity” had been responsible for the destruction of a household appliance. And then, as now, he milked it for all it was worth on his blog and in interviews.

“I broke a toilet,” he told The Times. “That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit. That was an old toilet and a very water-logged wall. But still, there’s no excuses, dude. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me. It was the toilet.’ It was definitely me! And that’s a wake-up call.”

Asked why he would volunteer such a potentially embarrassing story about himself, Smith demurred. “It’s a good story,” he said. “It’s tough not to tell even though I’m the fat clown at the center of it. Putting it out there is saying, ‘I get it. I understand.’ ”

In the immediate aftermath of the director’s Twitter tirade, various blogs weighed in on the matter. Gawker.com hailed the director’s Tweakout as “the best thing Kevin Smith has written since ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’ ” TMZ, meanwhile, observed “Southwest Should Fit Wide Loads” in its headline about the incident.

Although it is too soon to gauge Smith’s impact on Southwest’s bottom line, anecdotal evidence suggests that he has galvanized his Twitter constituency by vilifying the airline’s treatment of Customers of Size.

“Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool,” Smith tweeted Saturday. “But fair warning folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SouthwestAir.”

The response from many of Smith’s followers has been unequivocal.

On Sunday, one named @chaseronio likened the director to no less than Martin Luther King Jr. in a tweet: “Ur the MLK of fatties.”

“I have a Dream,” Smith twittered back with deadpan aplomb. “And two lunches (meatball parm & Trix). And a couple of Twinkies. And a Diet Coke.”

– Chris Lee

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/movies/2010/02/kevin-smith.html

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The Hollywood Hooker Association would like to acknowledge Charlie Sheen on Valentine’s Day for his support of our community.

Over the past two years, 1,754 hookers have been employed by Mr. Sheen, enough to fill a small sports complex, including parking lots and walkways. “Thank you” for your dedication and determination to our cause.  Without you, many of these single mothers would have to get jobs and find gainful employment.

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Leif Garrett was not arrested so far this morning in Los Angeles for possession of a controlled substance.

The former teen idol was busted at 11:20 AM on Monday at the Metrolink station in downtown Los Angeles by the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.  However, he has not been arrested so far today

Furthermore, Garrett was not taken into custody and placed behind bars yet today.  We consider this the hottest news of the day, as this marks 12 hours without an arrest for Garrett. 

Garrett’s been busted on the Metro Red Line before — back in 2006, he was caught for allegedly riding without a ticket … but heroin and Quaaludes were found in his possession. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail for the incident.

Garrett is due back in court on February 24.

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His Twitter mea culpa behind him, John Mayer asked a crowd of actual people on Thursday to forgive him for those race-tinged, hyper-sexual and wholly inappropriate comments made in a newly published Playboy interview. The blues-rock singer teared up as he spoke to fans in Nashville about descending into a “wormhole of selfishness” with his “quest to be clever” in the media.

Playboy also released an official statement on the Mayer article: 

We are very upset about the Mayer interview.  We here are Playboy promote wholesome family values, and the inherent love of God.  For Mayer to call Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ in completely inappropriate.  We will not tolerate this sort of sexual content, nor do we want to promote any sort of moral decay.  In fifty years of publishing, we have never seen anything more offensive.  We expect more from our rock stars.  Rock stars should be held to a higher standard.  Shame on you John Mayer.

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Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the presidential ring, promising to take on that old “wrinkly, white-haired guy” and paint the White House pink if elected.

In a spoof campaign ad featured on the Web site Funny Or Die, Hilton delivered a tart response to John McCain’s recent attack ad, in which he dismissed Obama as just another vapid celebrity like Paris Hilton.

The ad calls McCain “the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket.”

While reclining on a chair in a skimpy bathing costume and gold stilettos, the 27-year-old celebutante announced her presidential ambitions:

“Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity, too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude.

“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says. (Watch Paris Hilton’s campaign video)

She then went on to detail her plan to solve the energy crisis:

“We could do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars,” Hilton says. “That way the offshore drilling carries us until new technologies kick in which will then create new jobs and energy independence.

“Energy crisis solved! I’ll see you at the debates, bitches!”

She signed off by saying she was considering tapping singer-songwriter Rihanna as her vice president.

“I’ll see you at the White House,” Hilton adds. “Oh, and I might paint it pink. Bye!” (Watch Hilton’s campaign video)

Here’s how the McCain campaign responded: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis — including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

And the Obama campaign’s official response: “Whatever.”

Credit:  Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor Blog 

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New York Senator Eric T. Schnederman’s secretary probably summed it up best. Her boss, a well known representative from New York, “is a warm person who is not good at assessing sensitivities of his audience.”

In other words, if Schnederman had kept his hands to himself, people wouldn’t be so pissed. Instead, the Republican candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois Matt Murphy (who was a former dorm mate of Schneiderman) has demanded Eric be removed from his duties for the duration of his tenure. Matt claims that Eric had no right to “do the nasty on his pillow!”

There is no question that Schnederman’s conduct was out of bounds. Two females claimed that, on various occasions, Schnederman liked to “jack with Murphy.” He also had stained up his bed sheets, as well as others.

“I come in to the office from a long day of politicking, and Matt does this?” said Matt.  “I am so going to give him the atomic sit up tomorrow!”

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More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV — the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.

Who were the people who did — and did not — watch the game? Here’s what Nielsen tells us.

WHO WATCHED

Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)

Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)

the few remaining living fans of The Who

former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)

families of players

secret families of players

the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies

people with a mole fetish

Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)

those legitimately trying to find out who dat

non-sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

WHO DIDN’T WATCH

Cooper Manning (couldn’t get out of shift at Red Lobster)

Eli Manning (couldn’t find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)

dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags

THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE F–K IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!

Drew Brees’ son (napping)

The Who (napping)

those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl

those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl

Michael Vick

remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion

nerds

sports fans who couldn’t find the remote

Source – http://www.sportspickle.com

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The normally quiet city of New Orleans needs to plan a victory celebration after Sunday’s big Superbowl victory.  That only questions is “how.” 

“We aren’t normally a city that gets a lot of national attention,” said a city official. “This is going to be a big change of pace for our quiet citizens.” 

Known for being a city of modest citizens, city officials are humbled at the thought of throwing a party in the city of New Orleans. 

“We just have never really had a big party here before.  This media attention all so new to us,” said Dr. Melthrop Thunderkiss of Pat O’Brien’s bar on Bourbon Street.  “Sure there was the publicity of the Hurricane, the yearly Marti Gras, the night parades, the girls that go wild, the… hey, wait a second… I think we can do this party thing.”

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ATLANTA – Ted Jamazas, a mall security guard working on the East Side of Atlanta, is suing the Under Armour company after his tight “protective” clothing proved useless in a gunfight.

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

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Etsy.com, a website dedicated to selling home made arts and crafts, reported Friday that sales of the Vulva Pendant with Filigree Bush are at an all time low.  This comes as a huge blow to the economy, and is likely linked to a 200-point immediate drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 

“This comes as a huge blow to the economic stimulus package,” said President Barack Obama.  “Setbacks like these continue to derail our economic revival plan. We can’t imagine why sales are down.” 

The site is known as a place where homemakers can sell products, and is used by experts on Wall street to indicate the state of the economy.  Until sales increase, no economic recovery is in sight.

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After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

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