WASHINGTON—Rear Admiral Juan Love (Left), the nation’s top uniformed officer, made a strong appeal for allowing gays to serve openly in the military, a shift that highlighted the Pentagon’s growing support for lifting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law.

Adm. Love, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Senate Armed Services Committee he believed the “don’t ask” restrictions—which require gay troops to keep their sexual orientation a secret—could be eliminated because “they were like totally bogus and we just need to loosen up around here.”   

After the comments, Adm. Love became the highest-ranking military officer to ever endorse wearing chaps on Fridays, a source of controversy within the Pentagon since they were put in place by the Clinton administration in 1993. His immediate predecessor, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, in 2007 described homosexuality as “immoral.”

“Let’s face it guys, we look like the Village People anyways!  Let’s just have fun with it,” said Admiral Love.  “Besides, who doesn’t want to snuggle in a foxhole or have a buddy for their cot at night?  Let’s do this thing right.  New uniforms with rainbows and everything.”

Popularity: 12% [?]

It is being reported that this giant squid did what Afro-Squad executives were unable to do.  After hundreds of calls to network executives, desperately pleading with them to cancel the series Jersey Shore, a giant squad shut down operations on the set. 

“I was just tired of looking at those freakin’ kids,” said Larry the Giant Squid.  “I had to take matters into my own tentacles.” 

Popularity: 4% [?]

“Yo!  We are like so friggin’ tired of bein’ stereotyped as obnoxious an’ uneducated Yankees.  We ain’t going to take any more of dis’ business,” said Jersey Shore cast member Paulie D after watching a news segment about how the cast of the show are being stereotyped.  “I gots a family in the canole business, and they ain’t going to take any more of this junk.  Ya’ know what I mean?”

The cast of Jersey Shore is apparently very upset with the way they are being portrayed on television.  Snookie, the female lead on the series stated that she is, “tired of being made to look like a friggin’ materialistic moron” and that she “only went on this show so (she could) pay for her new breast implants.”

Popularity: 4% [?]

We at the Afro-Squad are constantly working to improve the world.  This time, we decided to focus on America’s past time.  That’s right, we are going to improve the great sport of baseball. 

Over the past few decades, baseball has changed its rules to accommodate its viewers.  It has made adjustments and tweaks to appeal to the Mtv generation, but the Major Leagues have never had any major changes. 

Here are a list of changes that we feel will help the big leagues stay as fresh a new pouch of Big League Chew. 

1)      More blood.  Allow runners to sharpen their cleats.  Ty Cobb used to do it back in baseball’s hay day.  Why can’t runners do it now.  Imagine how much more interesting it would be if a runner slides into third base a set of razor sharp blades attached to his feet.  Who wouldn’t want to see that?

2)      Hot catchers.  The days of crusty old comic legends like Johnny Bench and Bob Uecker are long gone.  Now it is time to have hotties squatting behind home plate.  A simple rule change requiring a busty blonde behind the plate would make those long games so much more entertaining.  Of course, the uniform would have to require cute skirts and panties, but baseball has to change if it wants more viewers!

3)      Loaded bats.  What is so wrong with a corked bat?  It only makes you more able to smash the dickens out of some ball.  Why not encourage hitters to cork their bats.  Hell, MLB should hire teams at NASA to produce the most powerful bat in the universe.  Wouldn’t you want to see a buy like Barry Bonds crush a ball 1,000 feet?  I know I would.

4)      Bears on unicycles.  Replace general managers with bears on unicycles.  I am not sure what this would do, but the world needs more bears on unicycles. 

5)      Explosions.  How about adding some low powered land mines in the base path.  I am not talking about anything that could kill, but maybe an explosion just powerful enough to knock the hell out of somebody.  It would make running the bases a little more like Russian Roulette.

I have plenty of other suggestions, but we’ll wait to let baseball try some of these before I announce them.

Popularity: 1% [?]

In the wake of continued controversy over the nutritional value of its food, the McDonald empire was hit with another piece of bad news.  Former CBS news icon Dan Rather unveiled documents that indicate that McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald never graduated from clown college. 

 “I know I lost my job over the whole George Bush National Guard thing, but this time I am really on to something,” said 24-year news veteran Dan Rather.  “This is the big break I have been looking for.  This should gain back my legitimacy as a news broadcaster.” 

Rather points to the existence of memos that document McDonald’s affairs.  The memos, allegedly written in 1972 and 1973, were obtained by CBS News producer Mary Mapes and freelance journalist Michael Smith, from the Hamburgler, a former nemesis of Ronald McDonald.  Mapes and Dan Rather, among many other journalists, have been investigating this story for several years.  The story is that the clown allegedly failed to fulfill his obligations at Ringley Brothers (Barnum and Bailey) Clown College. 

Rather stated, “my sources tell me that Ronald used clown college to avoid service in Vietnam.  He then went AWOL, getting high with the Fry Guys and binging with Grimace.  In his later years, his McDonalds administration lied, deceived or committed outright fraud about every single point they used to justify invading Burger King.  They did everything they could in efforts to dethrone the King.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate received a report that a robot company is releasing the first fully functional female robot.  It will be complete with the ability to talk, love, perform sexual relations, and smile. 

Each robot is completely customizable, and each one will come with four different preprogrammed personalities. 

Afro-Squad’s SnowMan stated, “Four personalities!  Wow it really is like a real woman!”

Popularity: 4% [?]