Afro-Squad Magazine

I love the picture below.  It just makes me laugh that somebody would be so angry that they would want to throw a VCR onto a burning bus.  (I have NEVER been THAT angry.)

Anyway, in celebration of this picture, we’ll be putting a “picture of the day” in the side column from now until May 31.  Depending on the popularity, we may continue.  Hope you enjoy!!!

Popularity: 28% [?]

Who is the Afro-Squad?

    The Squad, also know as the Afro-Squad Army, is a group of people across the world who share a similar distaste for the Man and his nefarious minions.  We enjoy sports, women, sporty women, good humor, and funky cars. 

Who is the Man?

    Here is the simple answer.  The Man is the guy at work that you hate.  He’s the guy who enforces pointless rules.  He is the person who raises your taxes.  He charges you additional fees on your cell phone.  He also keeps you from getting laid.

 Can I join the Afro-Squad

    Yes you can!  We are always looking for funky people to join the ranks of the Afro-Squad Army! 

 How do I join the Afro-Squad?

    There are a bunch of ways!  Grab a ‘fro, wig or similar gimmick and shoot some pictures at a local sporting event.  Even better, make your own Afro-Squad video!  Send it to us and spread the word about the Squad!

Will being in the Afro-Squad get me laid?

    Yes.  Absolutely. 

Why the dark glasses and wigs?

    First off, it is fun to dress up and look goofy.  Second, it helps hide our identity from the Man.  Let’s face it.  The Man is so powerful that he would have a jumbo jet crash in our trailer park if he ever determined our identity. 

What are some common themes within the Afro-Squad?

    A few members really like wrestling.  So you are bound to see the Squad at some wrestling events.  SnowMan and KrazyMan also enjoy White Castle, Photoshop, video editing, and classy ladies.  So you are likely to see those sorts of things too. 

I once saw a website called NinjaPimp Online.  It featured the Afro-Squad.  What was that?

    That was our attempt at a men’s magazine, like Maxim.  We did interviews.  We talked about food, and we crushed the Man. 

Where has the Afro-Squad been?

    We’ve been a lot of places.  The Afro-Squad has appeared at the Superbowl and the World Series.  We’ve been in Paris and Germany.  We’ve been on TV in the US and Australia.  We are all over YouTube, and we may have been in your sister’s bedroom. 

Who are your main members?

    KrazyMan and the SnowMan are the main members of the Squad.  For all intents and purposes, these characters founded the group.  Since then, there have been dozens of supporting characters.  Minor 69′er, Kinky Tuscadero, Jordi Scrubbings, the Afro-Squad Dog, the Gargoyle, the Mullet Master, the Rated R Afro-Star, Original Jit, the Zombie Pimp… and the list goes on. 

Does the Afro-Squad have anything to do with race?

    Nope.  It sure doesn’t.  The Afro-Squad is a group of people of different races who all hate the Man.  It is just that simple.

Popularity: 4% [?]

So I went to my grandparents house the other day.  It is a little old folk’s community, and it is a nice little place.  However, this poor lawn ornament really had me laughing.  It looks like something straight out of Friday the 13th.  My gawd, those elderly folks have a evil sense of humor.  How could somebody use a severed head as lawn art? 

Popularity: 3% [?]

In an effort to minimize impact on their customers, and to accommodate growth, the zip code 33929 will now be assigned to Kim Kardashian’s ass.

The 33929 code will be slowly integrated to minimize confusion and service disruptions for the thousands of customers that use Kardashian’s ass.

Some, however, are not so keen on the new change.

“It is all just so vast and confusing. We need structure,” said one New Yorker.

“You running out of numbers, you running out of tokens, you running out of subways, you running out of jobs,” said another New Yorker. “The only thing we ain’t running out of is Kim’s ass.”

Service providers will begin customer education mid-year to prepare for the new code.

Popularity: 26% [?]

So I was reading the SkyMall magazine the other day.  You know, that little mag that is in your seat on any domestic flight.  I always laugh at the bullsh!t products that they sell, but this is my new favorite of all time.

Take a look at the “logo.”  They clearly tried to steal the Nike Swoosh, but they redesigned it a bit.  Unfortunately, nobody at quality control realized that their rip-off logo looks a lot like a single sperm.  Yes sir, this is the shoe you want… if you want to show the world that you have sperm on your feet.

The various color sperm also leaves a lot of room for jokes, but my favorite part is the possibilities for various slogans!  Nike has “Just do it.”  These shoes’ slogan should be “Just did it.”  They could also play up the fact that you will be “coming quicker than ever” in these fast new shoes.

I’d finally like to point out the little picture of the business man with rocket flames coming out of his feet.  Of course, all business men wear #*# covered flaming rocket sneakers.

Popularity: 5% [?]

After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

Popularity: 19% [?]

“Slow the f’ down!  This is a school zone.”

I took this picture in Orlando, FL.  I would like to file it under, “funny crap that teenagers do.”

Popularity: 11% [?]

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

Popularity: 18% [?]

The Afro-Squad News Universe is a division of www.Afro-Squad.com, a humor based site dedicated to fighting the Man.  As you know, we have huge afros and an immense distaste for the system.

Some of our “Army” work in the adult film industry, and were so inspired by our work that they decided to make a “big butt” movie with the Afro-Squad theme in mind.  Already being called the cure for impotence, this movie is already one of our favorites.

Special thanks to Ivan for making it happen!  www.iamivan.com

Click this link for the PG-13 rated trailer on Youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdJDQiT8fBo

Popularity: 5% [?]

“Please come join me in the biggest party the Gulf has ever seen!  We’ll have beer, oil, girls, and methane!”  That’s what a sign read that was posted on the seaside pillar of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig.  Now deep sea divers are uncovering the remnants of 60 tons of steel at the bottom of the ocean.  People are calling it “one bad assed party” gone wrong.   

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ‘self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

Popularity: 19% [?]

I was driving in Zephyrhills, FL when I saw the Tire Kingdom gorilla.  I think he is supposed to have big thumbs, but it really looks like he has a big gorilla unit from this angle.

The girl in the car with me decided to pretend to hump him, but I just took this picture.  Maybe if this pic gets enough comments I’ll add the humping photos. 

Popularity: 5% [?]

This picture was taken by Maygin in Chicago.  Make sure to send us your sweet Fu-Kin pictures! 

Popularity: 12% [?]

If you don’t read www.regretsy.com, I recommend that you check it out.  Here is a sample of their Whimsicle F#ckery.

On Saturday night, when ROFL Con was over and I was packing to go to New York, I noticed someone slipping a piece of paper under my hotel room door:

Due to a broken water main in Boston, the water supply in 38 counties is currently unsafe to drink. Bottled water should be used for drinking. Tap water may also be used for drinking or cooking, provided it is first boiled for several minutes. Thank you for your understanding.

I didn’t think much about it until the next day, when the hotel didn’t have coffee. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just boil water so they could make coffee, but I figured once I got to the train station, I’d get a cup of Dunks and everything would be all right again.

When we got to the train station, I was horrified to see that Dunks was simply closed. “NO WATER” it said on the door.

But that isn’t exactly true, is it Dunks? No, there’s water, but you just didn’t want to boil any. That would take effort. Why go to all the trouble of actually making coffee? It’s not like you’re famous for it or anything. And who drinks coffee on Sunday anyway? Oh Jesus, I’m getting mad all over again.

Needless to say, by the time I got on the train I was really cranky. So I availed myself of Amtrak’s free Wi-Fi to post this status update on the Regretsy fan page:

As you can see, this diatribe resulted in over 200 comments, and 4 people “unfanned” themselves as a result of my vulgarity. You can imagine how much I miss them.

But more significantly, we here at Regretsy world headquarters (me) received many requests for T-shirts commemorating the whole caffeine starved episode. And as you know, T-shirts and other merchandise help fund our charity efforts, so who are we to say no?

And so, our own delightful Bronc designed this beautiful T-shirt, featuring completely unnecessary invective layered over a beautiful map of Beantown.

Popularity: 9% [?]

I was working on my broken toilet last night.  While working I broke that plastic tube that refills the water, only to find out that it is called a ballcock.  Yes, I broke my ballcock. 

I went to Lowe’s and the guy in the ballcock department kept asking if I had a 10 or a 14 inch ballcock.  I told him, “I never measured it.”  (For the record, that is a lie.  I measure it every day to see if it has grown.) 

Anyway, I wound up buying this adjustable ballcock!  I asked him if he had a ribbed one, but he found no humor in that.   

Popularity: 2% [?]

Ricky Martin’s to do list:
1) Come out of the closet
2) Reexamine my old arm tattoo …

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0jffN0v8s
Source – TMZ

Popularity: 3% [?]