Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

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Who Shoots You In The Leg?
by a white-tailed deer.

I’ve been in the forest for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day. I’ve seen a bear eat defenseless trout, beaver jack up an entire stream, and powerless chipmunk get devoured by birds eight times their size. Sometimes it seems like an unfair world, but in the end, it makes sense. There’s a natural order to things. There’s balance. So you can imagine how shocked and disturbed I was last week when I was eating some corn I thought was nice, only to have some (CENSORED) dressed as a shrub shoot me in the leg.

I am not even lying. At this time last Wednesday, I had a jackoff in an orange camouflage hat drinking Miller Lite shoot me in the leg. Straight f’ing through—no joke. I’m not making this up. This actually happened to me.

So, obviously, that leaves just one question: How batshit insane do you have to be to sit there, bait somebody, and shoot them in the leg!  I could have been killed, for Christ’s sake!  I am not going to take this anymore, and I’m scared as shat to go after any corn again.

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Sexy Afro-Squad fan XO was another victim in the series of dirty sanchezes.  This occurrance happened late in the evening on 24 March 2010.

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

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Although Bigfoot was sighted with Paris Hilton earlier this week, it appears that another Bigfoot was seen on a golf course in New York.  This New York Bigfoot has a really big foot, and he frightens many.

Despite the fact that no actual photos exist, “Bigfoot Steve” is estimated at 180 foot tall, weighing an approximate 500 tons.

“We just hope he is a tourist,” said a New York State Representative. ”The mere thought of a 180 foot tall angry New York native is just frightening.  I mean, we can deal with an angry hairy giant ape.  However, if you add a New York attitude… the country is F$*@ed!”

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We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

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We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

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Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)

The city of Bum F’ing, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.

City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.

“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here.  People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad.  “We think this change will help the overall image.  We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo.  Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”

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Harrison, NJ – Reports coming from students of Harrison High School indicate that there is a large female cougar somewhere within the school.  Police, wildlife experts, and school staff have thus far been unable to locate the animal, but students of the school see this creature on a daily basis.

“This is an enigma to us,” said Vice Principal Bentley Lazer.  “I have students telling me ‘Have you seen the cougar in the home economics class,’ but I haven’t see a single cat in the school.  I will not rest until this animal is caught.  It is a matter of our students’ safety!”

In a reported case from last Friday, three students followed the cougar into the teacher’s lounge.  Although they were unharmed, one student claimed that he was “scared stiff” after watching the cougar for about an hour.

“I normally see the cougar in Home Economics,” said 10^th grader Tommy Hilyard.  “She stalks up and down the aisles of the class.  She’s just a beautiful creature, and she appears ready to pounce.”

Despite an apparent trend, the Home Economics teacher, a 2002 graduate of Florida State University and former Miss Florida, Kate Olssen has never seen the animal in her classroom.

“I don’t know what those boys are talking about,” stated Miss Olssen.  “They are always saying, ‘look at the cougar.’  Then they point under my desk.  I crawl under the tables, looking for it, but I never see that thing.  They hoot and holler, saying that it is a beautiful cat, but I have never seen the damned thing!”

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While Rip Torn and the corpse of Elvis Presley were his co-hosts,  it was the stylish Gary Busci (seen left) who the masses waited to see last night at Hollywood Zombie Walk 2010.  Gary definitely was worth the wait.  Everything came to a halt in the Paris Theatre when he arrived, looking younger and more lifelike than ever.  For Gary, he was stunning.

He looked amazing in a pale gray skin, collapsed eye, and the usual comforting grunts.  Since officially becoming a zombie in 2010, Gary is one of the few people who seems more “normal” since becoming a zombie.

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TAMPA, FL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Taco Bell at Highway 301 and Gibsonton report that, despite the late hour, the restaurant looks as if it could possibly be open. “Lights are still on, except for the sign, but the sign being off doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because they might just be getting ready to close,” the driver of the car said while searching for a place to turn around in order to drive by the fast-food restaurant again slowly. “There are people behind the counter and a guy mopping, so I think it’s probably open. Probably.” At press time, the opinion of the car’s occupants was to drive past one last time just to be totally sure.

Partial Credit – The Onion

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Speculation that reading the ANU Syndicate will lead to better health has been abundant in the medical community since February, but recent studies at the Mayo Clinic now directly link the reading this site to better heart health.

“We found that laughter is great for the heart,” said Dr. Paul D Bulshitta.  “The direct link to reading this site and laughing, is an important link to heart health.”

Other studies by the American Carpel Tunnel Institute show that bookmarking this page, as opposed to typing the address every morning, can help slow the effects of carpel tunnel syndrome.

An ANU Syndicate also stated, “we are working hard for your health.  In fact, we also found a link between our Heidi Montag articles and immediate penis growth.  You are welcome.”

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Etsy.com, a website dedicated to homemade products, recently announced a new line of flavored “Vegan Vulva Lip Balm.”  In other words, it is a homemade flavored ointment made to keep your vaginal lips moist, and it is not made of animal materials.  (We aren’t making that up.)

Flavors include vanilla lavender, cherry, honey, and berry.  Despite requests by A.N.U.S. staff, many flavors are still unavailable.  “We requested more natural berry flavors, like ’dingle,” but the product’s creator didn’t think it would sell well.”

Other unsuccessful flavors include fish oil, fromunda cheese, and (for the fatty) bacon.

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The recent attack by a captive orca on its trainer at a SeaWorld facility in Orlando, Florida has again raised questions about our relationship with these top predators.

No-one knows what triggered the latest incident, but many pseudo-scientists are creating plans to find new careers for these whales.

But it does highlight the tensions that occur when we choose to interact closely with huge marine predators.

It is also debatable what to do with those orcas that remain in captivity, as they can’t easily return to the wild.

“They are highly intelligent animals, so we are putting job applications out on behalf of the animals,” says Dr Star Joy, an animal expert from “Free our Friends.”

“Recent attempts to release orcas just haven’t worked,” says Manny Grovers, of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS).  ”We had one whale start a job in Vegas.  He was a dealer.  However, he couldn’t even use the shuffle machine, and he never let people double down.  That is contrary to the table rules!”

Check back with the Syndicate as we find more about these attempts to release orcas.

** Despite our humor attempts, we have nothing but care for the people involved.

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It has been reported that former President George W. Bush went into the Lafayette County Library at around 2:00 AM Saturday and edited his own Wikipedia page, security cameras and Internet logs indicate.  The log indicates the former president edited the “Domestic” and “Foreign perceptions” sub-sections within the main section of the lengthy article.  Library officials claim they can’t do anything since Bush is a former two-term president and the library was built for him.  “Even though he doesn’t even have a library card, we still have to let him in whenever he pleases,” said head librarian and wife Laura Bush.

For several months, the Wikipedia page had the following written about Bush:
“By April 2008, Bush’s disapproval ratings were the highest ever recorded in the 70-year history of the Gallup poll for any president, with 69% of those polled disapproving of the job Bush was doing as president and 28% approving. In September 2008, in polls performed by various agencies, Bush’s approval rating ranged from 19%—the lowest ever —to 34% and his disapproval rating stood at 69%.  Bush left the White House as one of the most unpopular American presidents, second in unpopularity only to Richard Nixon.”

After Bush left the library, the Wikipedia page read the following:
“By April 2008, President Bush finally scored a three-some with Condie and Laura, with 66% of those polled approving of the job he was doing in bed. In September 2008, he polled performed by various frat girls, his approval rating ranged from 99%—the highest ever —to 105% and my disapproval rating stood at 7%.  I left the White House as one of the most popular American presidents, second in popularity only to my dad.  He.. he.. The Internet.”

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