Afro-Squad Magazine

I love the picture below.  It just makes me laugh that somebody would be so angry that they would want to throw a VCR onto a burning bus.  (I have NEVER been THAT angry.)

Anyway, in celebration of this picture, we’ll be putting a “picture of the day” in the side column from now until May 31.  Depending on the popularity, we may continue.  Hope you enjoy!!!

Popularity: 28% [?]

In an effort to minimize impact on their customers, and to accommodate growth, the zip code 33929 will now be assigned to Kim Kardashian’s ass.

The 33929 code will be slowly integrated to minimize confusion and service disruptions for the thousands of customers that use Kardashian’s ass.

Some, however, are not so keen on the new change.

“It is all just so vast and confusing. We need structure,” said one New Yorker.

“You running out of numbers, you running out of tokens, you running out of subways, you running out of jobs,” said another New Yorker. “The only thing we ain’t running out of is Kim’s ass.”

Service providers will begin customer education mid-year to prepare for the new code.

Popularity: 27% [?]

After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

Popularity: 19% [?]

“Slow the f’ down!  This is a school zone.”

I took this picture in Orlando, FL.  I would like to file it under, “funny crap that teenagers do.”

Popularity: 11% [?]

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

Popularity: 18% [?]

“Please come join me in the biggest party the Gulf has ever seen!  We’ll have beer, oil, girls, and methane!”  That’s what a sign read that was posted on the seaside pillar of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig.  Now deep sea divers are uncovering the remnants of 60 tons of steel at the bottom of the ocean.  People are calling it “one bad assed party” gone wrong.   

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ‘self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

Popularity: 19% [?]

This picture was taken by Maygin in Chicago.  Make sure to send us your sweet Fu-Kin pictures! 

Popularity: 12% [?]

If you don’t read www.regretsy.com, I recommend that you check it out.  Here is a sample of their Whimsicle F#ckery.

On Saturday night, when ROFL Con was over and I was packing to go to New York, I noticed someone slipping a piece of paper under my hotel room door:

Due to a broken water main in Boston, the water supply in 38 counties is currently unsafe to drink. Bottled water should be used for drinking. Tap water may also be used for drinking or cooking, provided it is first boiled for several minutes. Thank you for your understanding.

I didn’t think much about it until the next day, when the hotel didn’t have coffee. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just boil water so they could make coffee, but I figured once I got to the train station, I’d get a cup of Dunks and everything would be all right again.

When we got to the train station, I was horrified to see that Dunks was simply closed. “NO WATER” it said on the door.

But that isn’t exactly true, is it Dunks? No, there’s water, but you just didn’t want to boil any. That would take effort. Why go to all the trouble of actually making coffee? It’s not like you’re famous for it or anything. And who drinks coffee on Sunday anyway? Oh Jesus, I’m getting mad all over again.

Needless to say, by the time I got on the train I was really cranky. So I availed myself of Amtrak’s free Wi-Fi to post this status update on the Regretsy fan page:

As you can see, this diatribe resulted in over 200 comments, and 4 people “unfanned” themselves as a result of my vulgarity. You can imagine how much I miss them.

But more significantly, we here at Regretsy world headquarters (me) received many requests for T-shirts commemorating the whole caffeine starved episode. And as you know, T-shirts and other merchandise help fund our charity efforts, so who are we to say no?

And so, our own delightful Bronc designed this beautiful T-shirt, featuring completely unnecessary invective layered over a beautiful map of Beantown.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

Popularity: 27% [?]

s#xy Afro-Squad fan XO was another victim in the series of dirty sanchezes.  This occurrance happened late in the evening on 24 March 2010.

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

Popularity: 9% [?]

Although Bigfoot was sighted with Paris Hilton earlier this week, it appears that another Bigfoot was seen on a golf course in New York.  This New York Bigfoot has a really big foot, and he frightens many.

Despite the fact that no actual photos exist, “Bigfoot Steve” is estimated at 180 foot tall, weighing an approximate 500 tons.

“We just hope he is a tourist,” said a New York State Representative. ”The mere thought of a 180 foot tall angry New York native is just frightening.  I mean, we can deal with an angry hairy giant ape.  However, if you add a New York attitude… the country is F$*@ed!”

Popularity: 16% [?]

We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

Popularity: 9% [?]

Popularity: 14% [?]

We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)

The city of Bum F’ing, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.

City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.

“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here.  People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad.  “We think this change will help the overall image.  We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo.  Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”

Popularity: 9% [?]