The normally quiet city of New Orleans needs to plan a victory celebration after Sunday’s big Superbowl victory.  That only questions is “how.” 

“We aren’t normally a city that gets a lot of national attention,” said a city official. “This is going to be a big change of pace for our quiet citizens.” 

Known for being a city of modest citizens, city officials are humbled at the thought of throwing a party in the city of New Orleans. 

“We just have never really had a big party here before.  This media attention all so new to us,” said Dr. Melthrop Thunderkiss of Pat O’Brien’s bar on Bourbon Street.  “Sure there was the publicity of the Hurricane, the yearly Marti Gras, the night parades, the girls that go wild, the… hey, wait a second… I think we can do this party thing.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

ATLANTA – Ted Jamazas, a mall security guard working on the East Side of Atlanta, is suing the Under Armour company after his tight “protective” clothing proved useless in a gunfight.

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Etsy.com, a website dedicated to selling home made arts and crafts, reported Friday that sales of the Vulva Pendant with Filigree Bush are at an all time low.  This comes as a huge blow to the economy, and is likely linked to a 200-point immediate drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 

“This comes as a huge blow to the economic stimulus package,” said President Barack Obama.  “Setbacks like these continue to derail our economic revival plan. We can’t imagine why sales are down.” 

The site is known as a place where homemakers can sell products, and is used by experts on Wall street to indicate the state of the economy.  Until sales increase, no economic recovery is in sight.

Popularity: 9% [?]

After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

Popularity: 3% [?]

Washington (A.N.U.S.) — As the military examines its policy banning openly gay, lesbian and bisexual people from serving, those who have lived with “don’t ask, don’t tell” are talking about their experiences and concerns.

“In a way, I think it should just be left alone,” said Navy Seal Mike Sharpe. “The Seals and I take a lot of showers together.  We go down on a big steel ship full of seamen, and we sleep together in tight quarters.  I am afraid that by having queers in the military that we would start doing things that seem gay!”

Sharpe says the existing policy is part of military life. Nobody asks. Nobody tells. 

“There’s nobody out trying to hunt somebody down saying, ‘Oh my gosh, kick them out — they’re gay! They’re lesbian!’ ” Runkle said. “There’s nothing like that at all.  We just look for the guys who dress well and we kick them in the balls.”

Some service members and veterans, though, have had a different experience.

Dan Mantan — a former Army sergeant who served in Iraq until he was discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” — said that if anything, coming out to his unit “brought us closer together, literally.  I had all sorts of new bunk mates after that!”

Popularity: 22% [?]

WASHINGTON—Rear Admiral Juan Love (Left), the nation’s top uniformed officer, made a strong appeal for allowing gays to serve openly in the military, a shift that highlighted the Pentagon’s growing support for lifting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law.

Adm. Love, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Senate Armed Services Committee he believed the “don’t ask” restrictions—which require gay troops to keep their sexual orientation a secret—could be eliminated because “they were like totally bogus and we just need to loosen up around here.”   

After the comments, Adm. Love became the highest-ranking military officer to ever endorse wearing chaps on Fridays, a source of controversy within the Pentagon since they were put in place by the Clinton administration in 1993. His immediate predecessor, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, in 2007 described homosexuality as “immoral.”

“Let’s face it guys, we look like the Village People anyways!  Let’s just have fun with it,” said Admiral Love.  “Besides, who doesn’t want to snuggle in a foxhole or have a buddy for their cot at night?  Let’s do this thing right.  New uniforms with rainbows and everything.”

Popularity: 12% [?]

“We really should have thought this out a bit more,”  said Afrosquad’s lead reported the SnowMan.  “Had I realized the acronym for Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate spelled A.N.U.S., I would have never paid to put the sign on our new building.” 

After christening the A.N.U.S. building, the Afrosquad celebrated long into the evening.  With over 3,000 people in and out of the A.N.U.S. last night, the Squad feels like they have really broken in the new building. 

“The name is a bit awkward, but when you consider how shitty other news syndicates are, it really seems appropriate,” said Afrosquad’s KrazyMan.  “Despite our pleasure, this really stinks.”  

The A.N.U.S. started small, with just a few people in it.  However, the hopes are that the A.N.U.S. will keep growing for years to come. 

“After last night’s blow out, this thing really feels right.  It is amazing how wrecked this place got though.  We better call a cleanup crew.”

Popularity: 2% [?]