We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

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We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

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TAMPA, FL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Taco Bell at Highway 301 and Gibsonton report that, despite the late hour, the restaurant looks as if it could possibly be open. “Lights are still on, except for the sign, but the sign being off doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because they might just be getting ready to close,” the driver of the car said while searching for a place to turn around in order to drive by the fast-food restaurant again slowly. “There are people behind the counter and a guy mopping, so I think it’s probably open. Probably.” At press time, the opinion of the car’s occupants was to drive past one last time just to be totally sure.

Partial Credit – The Onion

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Former Baywatch Babe and skank rights advocate Pamela Anderson recently celebrated her tenth year without a release of a new (CENSORED)ographic movie.

“I didn’t think I would go ten years without one of my nasty home movies hitting the net,” said Anderson on Wednesday. “It isn’t that I haven’t made any. I just haven’t left any laying around by accident.”

Pamela serves as a role model for other hollywood skanks like Snookie, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohen. Lohen’s publicist stated that she can’t imagine going a month without Lindsey’s cooch being made public. “This is a real accomplishment for one of the world’s leading skanks.”

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SALT LAKE CITY — A bill to give communities greater control over speed limits on highways needs only the governor’s signature to become law.

House Bill 103, sponsored by Rep. Stephen E. Sandstrom, R-Orem, passed the House on Feb 9. On Monday, the bill failed on the Senate floor, but a motion for reconsideration passed, and the bill was approved late Tuesday afternoon.

A state law implemented in the 1990s stipulated that a reduced-speed Mormon zone cannot exceed 8 MPH, but daring young LDS members would like to raise that to 8.5 MPH.

“We are not going to allow this haphazard disregard for safety,” a bill opponent said. “Basically what it does is put the safety of Mormans walking to and from school in the hands of their communities!  We will not tolerate 8.5!”

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PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

“Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,” Woods said. “I’ve missed it. I love f’ing with all my heart.”

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn’t stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

“When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control,” said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. “It’s just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met.”

“I’m so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras,” Woods added.

Saying that f’ing is his “calling and [his] one true passion,” Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman’s vagina.

“That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine,” Woods said. “Ever since I was 16, I’ve loved that feeling. It’s like new every time.”

“To be honest, I’d do this for free,” Woods added. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major suckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year’s venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is “far from satisfied” by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

“I’ll probably be a little rusty,” Woods said. “But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I’m confident that I’ll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.”

“There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I’ll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it,” Woods continued. “Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge.”

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

“I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly,” Woods said. “It’s really all mental at that point.”

Reaction to Woods’ announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O’Mera, said that Woods’ return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods’ fans have also been supportive.

“I’m so glad Tiger is coming back,” said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. “He’s the best.”

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus’ record of f’ing 18 major babes at one time.

Source:  http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tiger_woods_announces_return_to

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The fight between reality TV’s most famous dad, Jon Gosselin , and TLC is finally over.

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement Wednesday. “Jon will receive six packs of smokes, some ‘douchbag’ t-shirts, hair gel, and three trips to see an Asian hooker.”

A source close to the situation says that “Jon is very happy with the deal,” and, “is just content to be rid of the bitch.”

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Leif Garrett was not arrested so far this morning in Los Angeles for possession of a controlled substance.

The former teen idol was busted at 11:20 AM on Monday at the Metrolink station in downtown Los Angeles by the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.  However, he has not been arrested so far today

Furthermore, Garrett was not taken into custody and placed behind bars yet today.  We consider this the hottest news of the day, as this marks 12 hours without an arrest for Garrett. 

Garrett’s been busted on the Metro Red Line before — back in 2006, he was caught for allegedly riding without a ticket … but heroin and Quaaludes were found in his possession. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail for the incident.

Garrett is due back in court on February 24.

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His Twitter mea culpa behind him, John Mayer asked a crowd of actual people on Thursday to forgive him for those race-tinged, hyper-sexual and wholly inappropriate comments made in a newly published Playboy interview. The blues-rock singer teared up as he spoke to fans in Nashville about descending into a “wormhole of selfishness” with his “quest to be clever” in the media.

Playboy also released an official statement on the Mayer article: 

We are very upset about the Mayer interview.  We here are Playboy promote wholesome family values, and the inherent love of God.  For Mayer to call Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ in completely inappropriate.  We will not tolerate this sort of sexual content, nor do we want to promote any sort of moral decay.  In fifty years of publishing, we have never seen anything more offensive.  We expect more from our rock stars.  Rock stars should be held to a higher standard.  Shame on you John Mayer.

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This steaming pile of celebrity news is coming straight from the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Tiger Woods made the statement today that it was Satan that made him “take interest in extramarital affairs.”  Tiger went on to say, “I need to keep Satan out of my life because he has ruined a lot of good things for me.” 

The A.N.U.S. interviewed the Crown Prince of Darkness.  The Dark Overlord had this to say, “I had nothing to do with Mr. Woods’ affairs.  Please leave me out of this one.  I take enough heat for the whole Holocaust thing.”

We’ll have more as the story unfolds. 

Photo Credit: Shafali

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After weeks of reports that actor comedian Rip Torn was drunk and disorderly, the A.N.U.S. is the first to break the news of his life ending sickness. 

“We are convinced that Torn is not suffering from delirium, as was reported by Fox News and CNBC.  His actions were clearly those of a man in the first stages of zombiehood,” said Afro-Squad reporter Mervin Beasto.  

At one point news channels in Los Angeles reported Rip Torn as dead, but the A.N.U.S. states that he is clearly not dead.  He is just mildly undead.  (Undead being the state of a walking corpse, zombie, vampire, or animated skeleton, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.)  The photo to the left is the first proof that Torn is a zombie. 

“Rip’s doing pretty well for a flesh-eating zombie,” reported an unnamed family member.  “With all of his ‘I am going to eat you’ antics, I haven’t seen him this animated in years.”

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“We really should have thought this out a bit more,”  said Afrosquad’s lead reported the SnowMan.  “Had I realized the acronym for Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate spelled A.N.U.S., I would have never paid to put the sign on our new building.” 

After christening the A.N.U.S. building, the Afrosquad celebrated long into the evening.  With over 3,000 people in and out of the A.N.U.S. last night, the Squad feels like they have really broken in the new building. 

“The name is a bit awkward, but when you consider how shitty other news syndicates are, it really seems appropriate,” said Afrosquad’s KrazyMan.  “Despite our pleasure, this really stinks.”  

The A.N.U.S. started small, with just a few people in it.  However, the hopes are that the A.N.U.S. will keep growing for years to come. 

“After last night’s blow out, this thing really feels right.  It is amazing how wrecked this place got though.  We better call a cleanup crew.”

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