After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ‘self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

“I almost died after my procedure,” Montag told Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush on Monday. “I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. (I was) in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times.”

“I am just so happy to have the fat removed from my elbows and these fresh cuticle implants.  It was totally worth it.  I mean, it was kinda scary and all, but who wants to live if they have an imperfect body?  I was so scared by the ordeal, I almost cancelled seven surgeries scheduled for next week” she continued.

Afro-Squad reporter Shanghai Pete would like to express his concern with Miss Montag.  He really wishes they had just used a bit more Demerol.

On Saturday night, when ROFL Con was over and I was packing to go to New York, I noticed someone slipping a piece of paper under my hotel room door:

Due to a broken water main in Boston, the water supply in 38 counties is currently unsafe to drink. Bottled water should be used for drinking. Tap water may also be used for drinking or cooking, provided it is first boiled for several minutes. Thank you for your understanding.

I didn’t think much about it until the next day, when the hotel didn’t have coffee. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just boil water so they could make coffee, but I figured once I got to the train station, I’d get a cup of Dunks and everything would be all right again.

When we got to the train station, I was horrified to see that Dunks was simply closed. “NO WATER” it said on the door.

But that isn’t exactly true, is it Dunks? No, there’s water, but you just didn’t want to boil any. That would take effort. Why go to all the trouble of actually making coffee? It’s not like you’re famous for it or anything. And who drinks coffee on Sunday anyway? Oh Jesus, I’m getting mad all over again.

Needless to say, by the time I got on the train I was really cranky. So I availed myself of Amtrak’s free Wi-Fi to post this status update on the Regretsy fan page:

As you can see, this diatribe resulted in over 200 comments, and 4 people “unfanned” themselves as a result of my vulgarity. You can imagine how much I miss them.

But more significantly, we here at Regretsy world headquarters (me) received many requests for T-shirts commemorating the whole caffeine starved episode. And as you know, T-shirts and other merchandise help fund our charity efforts, so who are we to say no?

And so, our own delightful Bronc designed this beautiful T-shirt, featuring completely unnecessary invective layered over a beautiful map of Beantown.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

John Wall has refused to comment on the challenge, but DeMarcus Cousins responded by saying, “I’m not gonna lie, these women are tough. I wouldn’t be surprised if they would be able to defeat us. Tina and Maya have a great future ahead of them in the WNBA. I hope the same is for me and John next year. Oops!”

Looks like Cousins spilled the beans on this one and declared that John Wall and him will enter the NBA Draft. Does that scare the women? Absolutely not. They have presented the idea to the NCAA committee to consider this as an official game. If this is approved, the Huskies could make their winning streak even longer and more impressive.

Coach Calipari boldly stated that “Moore and Charles should avoid this for their own good.” Moore responded by flexing and doing the John Wall dance.

These women are fearless. The Wildcats’ Wall reassured that statement and tweeted, “I will not comment on the challenge, but will say that these women are beasts.”

According to Tina Charles the following will be the guidelines for the match:

• The free-throw line will be moved in five feet for the Kentucky men.
• Medical assistance will be on the court’s sidelines and will follow Wall and Cousins across the court on every play.
• Charles and Moore will play shoeless and will have ten pound weights around their ankles.
• Wall and Cousins will be allowed to call timeouts to repair their wheelchairs after the first quarter.
• The last five minutes of the final quarter will be played blind-folded by the Huskies’ women.

If the men win, the women will be required to make Wall and Cousins a six foot sandwich for each member of the Wildcats. If the women win, Wall and Cousins will have to have the faces of Maya and Tina tattooed on their arms with the words “Beat by a Girl.”

If Wall decides to back out of the challenge he will be considered a “chicken” by Moore and will live the rest of his life with that upon his back. Like so many times during the season, the game is on Wall’s shoulders. Will he come through?

Source:  http://bleacherreport.com/articles/371086-moore-and-charles-call-out-kentuckys-wall-and-cousins-satire

TMZ has learned doctors who worked on Michael Jackson at the UCLA Medical Center ran two EKGs on the singer, and at least one doctor who interpreted the results claims there was heart rhythmic activity both times.

Furthermore, sources tell TMZ Dr. Conrad Murray insists he was able to restart Jackson’s heart at the singer’s home before paramedics arrived and then maintained heart activity in the ambulance.

Dr. Murray’s evaluation contradicts paramedics at the scene who wanted to take Jackson to the morgue, not UCLA, because they believed he was dead.

It also contradicts Joe Jackson’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, who tells TMZ he believes Jackson was dead even before paramedics arrived at the house. Oxman says the weak pulse detected at UCLA was in reaction to resuscitation efforts.

We’re told the criminal case is shaping up as a legal war between medical experts, who will be interpreting medical tests and charts in various ways — always confusing for a jury.

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0jfefqm17

AfroSquad Concludes:  Michael Jackson is a Zombie!