“Yo!  We are like so friggin’ tired of bein’ stereotyped as obnoxious an’ uneducated Yankees.  We ain’t going to take any more of dis’ business,” said Jersey Shore cast member Paulie D after watching a news segment about how the cast of the show are being stereotyped.  “I gots a family in the canole business, and they ain’t going to take any more of this junk.  Ya’ know what I mean?”

The cast of Jersey Shore is apparently very upset with the way they are being portrayed on television.  Snookie, the female lead on the series stated that she is, “tired of being made to look like a friggin’ materialistic moron” and that she “only went on this show so (she could) pay for her new breast implants.”

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We at the Afro-Squad are constantly working to improve the world.  This time, we decided to focus on America’s past time.  That’s right, we are going to improve the great sport of baseball. 

Over the past few decades, baseball has changed its rules to accommodate its viewers.  It has made adjustments and tweaks to appeal to the Mtv generation, but the Major Leagues have never had any major changes. 

Here are a list of changes that we feel will help the big leagues stay as fresh a new pouch of Big League Chew. 

1)      More blood.  Allow runners to sharpen their cleats.  Ty Cobb used to do it back in baseball’s hay day.  Why can’t runners do it now.  Imagine how much more interesting it would be if a runner slides into third base a set of razor sharp blades attached to his feet.  Who wouldn’t want to see that?

2)      Hot catchers.  The days of crusty old comic legends like Johnny Bench and Bob Uecker are long gone.  Now it is time to have hotties squatting behind home plate.  A simple rule change requiring a busty blonde behind the plate would make those long games so much more entertaining.  Of course, the uniform would have to require cute skirts and panties, but baseball has to change if it wants more viewers!

3)      Loaded bats.  What is so wrong with a corked bat?  It only makes you more able to smash the dickens out of some ball.  Why not encourage hitters to cork their bats.  Hell, MLB should hire teams at NASA to produce the most powerful bat in the universe.  Wouldn’t you want to see a buy like Barry Bonds crush a ball 1,000 feet?  I know I would.

4)      Bears on unicycles.  Replace general managers with bears on unicycles.  I am not sure what this would do, but the world needs more bears on unicycles. 

5)      Explosions.  How about adding some low powered land mines in the base path.  I am not talking about anything that could kill, but maybe an explosion just powerful enough to knock the hell out of somebody.  It would make running the bases a little more like Russian Roulette.

I have plenty of other suggestions, but we’ll wait to let baseball try some of these before I announce them.

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