Would you expect anything less from the executives at Fox?  We guessed not! 

This afternoon, the producers of American Idol announced that Fox Broadcasting plans on bringing in the zombie corpse of former American Idol judge Paula Abdul to replace Simon Cowell when he leaves the show.  They explained how her recent departure from prime time was only due to a slight bout with death, and that she is “as capable as ever” as a brain dead flesh eating night stalker. 

“We feel this is a big win for the folks at Fox,” said a network executive.  “Despite years of relative incoherant blathering, Paula has always been America’s favorite judge.  I don’t think that America will even notice that she is a drooling flesh-eating zombie.  It is hard to even notice a difference.”

Executives continued to explain that the contestants have nothing to fear from the brain-loving ex-cheerleader.  They stated in a press release late on Thursday that “our contestants don’t even have brains.  Besides, who is better to participate in Fox’s brain numbing programming than Zombie Paula?  No other body will do.”  

Speaking after the latest auditions for Britain’s Got Talent, the multi-millionaire said that there has been no approach this time from Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who had previously asked Cowell to record a single highlighting the struggle in Haiti.

“We won’t be doing another single this time,” said the 50-year-old. “I don’t think that the British public would go for it, and more people have to die before we can get the likes of Robbie and Mariah to show any interest”.

“Maybe if the death toll rises to 100,000 we’ll consider it, but at the moment it doesn’t look likely,” he continued.

Other stars are said to be “apathetic” to performing another charity hit so soon after the hastily produced Haiti sessions, with singing sensation Susan Boyle taking time off for exhaustion.

However, in a desperate last attempt to raise awareness of her withering singing career, X-factor judge Danni Minogue insisted that she and fellow judge Louie Walsh are working on a non-specific earthquake-related song that would go on re-release every time a nation is ravaged by mother nature.

Laurence M. Brown

http://www.dailyfortnight.com/entertainment/956-cowell-chile-quake-not-bad-enough-to-merit-charity-single

“She’s f’ing awful,” said everyone watching at home.

KrazyMan
Afro-Squad Pimp

“Faced with a struggling network, some might have gone with a long-term solution of cultivating talent and developing groundbreaking programming, but Simon found a quick and superficial answer that involved a shockingly small amount of thought and effort.  Great idea.”

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Shanghai Pete
Evil Henchman

“Of all the evil jerks on Fox, he was my favorite.”

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Whitey
Afro-Squad Stuntman

“We really need to get our priorities straight.  With Conan, Jay, and Simon leaving TV, we really need to consider paying these guys more.”