Afro-Squad Online Men's Magazine » the onion http://www.afro-squad.com/blog News, Satire, Videos, Humor, Pictures, and More! Tue, 07 Feb 2012 09:15:45 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/obama-makes-it-through-another-day-of-resisting-urge-to-launch-all-u-s-nuclear-weapons-at-once/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/obama-makes-it-through-another-day-of-resisting-urge-to-launch-all-u-s-nuclear-weapons-at-once/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 18:38:52 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/obama-makes-it-through-another-day-of-resisting-urge-to-launch-all-u-s-nuclear-weapons-at-once/ WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses “the button” and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads. Though the president confirmed his schedule was packed with security briefings, [...]]]>

WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses “the button” and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads.

Though the president confirmed his schedule was packed with security briefings, public appearances, and cabinet meetings, he said he couldn’t help but steal a few glances at the bright red button, which is “right there, staring at [him], all the time.”

Tuesday marks the 841st-straight day Obama has withstood the button’s powerful allure.

“I think I was closer to pressing the button today than I have ever been,” Obama said during a press conference from the White House Rose Garden, adding that he would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking about the button right at that very moment. “Let me be clear: I do not want to start a thermonuclear war. But knowing that I could at any moment, and that it would be so easy, well, it almost feels like I’m being tested or something.”

President Often Feels Button Put There ‘Just To Taunt’ Him

“Did you know that if you sort of put enough weight on the button with your fingertip, you can feel a little slack there before it actually clicks?” Obama added. “Thank you, and God bless America.”

According to Beltway insiders, it has taken everything in Obama’s power lately to distract himself from the button, which the president once told an aide is “sort of begging to be pressed, you know?” At one point Tuesday, Obama reportedly forced himself to stop glaring at the button by leaving his desk and staring silently across the White House lawn, only to return seconds later to gaze at it some more.

Obama has also been overheard asking White House staffers if they weren’t just the least bit curious what would happen if he just waltzed in there right now and pushed it.

“I don’t want to unleash Armageddon,” said Obama, adding that there is a 50-50 chance he won’t be able to get through his next day in office without pressing the button at least once. “But it’s hard not to dare myself to do it. It’s like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, taking it all in, and I’m one millisecond away from saying to myself, ‘(CENSORED) it, Barack. Just jump.’”

“Bravo-Delta-five-seven-three-Delta-Charlie-zero-two-Tango-Tango-eight-one-six-Echo-Foxtrot-zero-zero-nine-four-nine,” Obama continued. “Those were the launch codes as of three minutes ago. They constantly change, but I memorize them.”

Sources told reporters that when Obama first took office, the thought of pressing the button and launching thousands of ICBMs only crossed his mind two or three times a day. Two-and-a-half years into his term, however, the button consumes him at all times, whether he is watching basketball, playing with his children, or lying in his bed at night. During a deficit-reduction meeting last Monday with House Speaker John Boehner, the president’s index finger was reportedly resting on the button the entire time without his even realizing it.

“Apropos of nothing, the president approached me one day and said, ‘Think about it: There is a button 3 feet away from me, that I, a human being, could press and virtually end the human race. Tell me you wouldn’t be slightly tempted to push it,’” Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) said. “Then the president said he often wondered if the exploding bombs would look like a movie in which dozens and dozens of mushroom clouds rise from Earth and can be seen from outer space.”

“The way he talked about it, I think I would have pressed it by now, honestly,” Conrad added. “Jesus, I’m breathing faster just thinking about it.”

Historians have noted that a strong desire to press the button is not uncommon among U.S. presidents. After just one year in office, Jimmy Carter wrote in his diary, “You don’t leave a man alone in a room with a button like that,” and two years later the pages were simply covered with the word “button” over and over again. In 1974, Richard Nixon rapidly pressed the button 12 times just prior to his resignation, but Pentagon officials had already disconnected its triggering mechanism.

At press time, large-scale nuclear explosions had been confirmed in Pyongyang, Beijing, Moscow, Tehran, and Washington, D.C. 

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/vbwIs5-OvMU/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/obama-makes-it-through-another-day-of-resisting-urge-to-launch-all-u-s-nuclear-weapons-at-once/feed/ 0 American Voices: Gingrich Announces Candidacy http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-gingrich-announces-candidacy/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-gingrich-announces-candidacy/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 18:38:51 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-gingrich-announces-candidacy/

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Gingrich Announces Candidacy

May 11, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•19

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich is announcing he will run for president in 2012. What do you think?

  • Oh, that probably means he’s also in the market for a new wife. It’d be great if you could put a good word in for me. I’m disease free.

    Lacey Hicks
    Bell Captain

  • They’re going to have a hard time filling his position as Liberty University’s Dean of Rapacious Self-Indulgence.

    Chris Barrow
    Systems Analyst

  • Now I finally know what he was getting at all those times over the past few months when he talked about running for president.

    Sam Demps
    Looper

Recent American Voices

  • Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn’t Work

    05.10.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they’re 21.

  • Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists

    05.09.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings.

  • California Has Nation’s Worst Air

    05.06.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    According to an annual survey by the American Lung Association, California cities have the worst air quality in the United States.

  • U.S. Sets Tornado Record

    05.05.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week.

  • Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

    05.04.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit.

Recent News »

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/afihFnslMKg/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-gingrich-announces-candidacy/feed/ 0 Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/area-nephew-a-very-funny-young-man/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/area-nephew-a-very-funny-young-man/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 18:38:50 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/area-nephew-a-very-funny-young-man/ TACOMA, WA—Calling him “quick” and “very clever,” local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man. “It’s like having a stand-up comedian in your living room,” said Palmer, adding that the entertaining 13-year-old boy cracks her up with both his funny skits and his “spot-on” impression of Regis Philbin. “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff!” According to reports, Palmer has told her nephew that he should send in some of his jokes to Saturday Night Live.

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/MtFNTf-jz-E/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/area-nephew-a-very-funny-young-man/feed/ 0 Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/rate-of-uninformed-conversations-about-navy-seals-skyrockets/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/rate-of-uninformed-conversations-about-navy-seals-skyrockets/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 18:38:49 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/rate-of-uninformed-conversations-about-navy-seals-skyrockets/ WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday. “Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation. “Just to set the record straight: Navy SEAL are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.” Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/8iE-d1TCpEk/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/rate-of-uninformed-conversations-about-navy-seals-skyrockets/feed/ 0 Infographic: The Post-College Job Hunt http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/infographic-the-post-college-job-hunt/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/infographic-the-post-college-job-hunt/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 18:38:49 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/infographic-the-post-college-job-hunt/ The Post-College Job Hunt

Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent. Here are some of the ways graduating seniors are getting a leg up:

  • Applying at places they happen to walk by and get a good feeling about
  • Getting the phone numbers of the 500 biggest companies in the United States; calling them and screaming, “ARE YOU HIRING?”
  • Practicing handshake with boss doll at home
  • Packaging resumé with a free iTunes download
  • Lurking at Chinese lunch buffet to find out what people with jobs talk about
  • Putting up “Josh Needs Work” fliers in their area and expecting support, not laughter, you guys
  • Googling “How to get a job”
  • Comping extra slice of cheese on sandwich of anyone who looks as if they might be hiring

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/1iUIlM9udgg/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/infographic-the-post-college-job-hunt/feed/ 0 Satellite Frantically Trying To Bounce Signal To Swearing Man’s Phone http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/satellite-frantically-trying-to-bounce-signal-to-swearing-mans-phone/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/satellite-frantically-trying-to-bounce-signal-to-swearing-mans-phone/#comments Tue, 10 May 2011 18:36:54 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/satellite-frantically-trying-to-bounce-signal-to-swearing-mans-phone/

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/7BvhZASpOKg/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/satellite-frantically-trying-to-bounce-signal-to-swearing-mans-phone/feed/ 0 American Voices: Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn’t Work http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-parental-drinking-supervision-doesnt-work/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-parental-drinking-supervision-doesnt-work/#comments Tue, 10 May 2011 18:36:53 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-parental-drinking-supervision-doesnt-work/

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Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn’t Work

May 10, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•19

A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they’re 21. What do you think?

  • Like I’m going to let the public school system indoctrinate my kid against our household’s preferred brand of vodka.”

    Raoul Williams
    Handle Maker

  • Fine, no more alcohol. But I’ll really have to step up my shockingly open flirtation with my son’s friends if I’m going to retain my ‘cool mom’ status.

    Dixie Yennie
    Benefits Manager

  • Come on, man, my kids aren’t even fun unless they’re a little drunk.

    Carson Kitamura
    Rabble-Furnace Tender

Recent American Voices

  • Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists

    05.09.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings.

  • California Has Nation’s Worst Air

    05.06.11 | ISSUE 47•19

    According to an annual survey by the American Lung Association, California cities have the worst air quality in the United States.

  • U.S. Sets Tornado Record

    05.05.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week.

  • Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

    05.04.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit.

  • Mariah Spawns Twins

    05.03.11 | ISSUE 47•18

    Singer Mariah Carey gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl, on Saturday. What do you think?

Recent News »

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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/kXgEEiCUDWQ/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/american-voices-parental-drinking-supervision-doesnt-work/feed/ 0 142 Plane Crash Victims Were Statistically More Likely To Have Died In A Car Crash http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/142-plane-crash-victims-were-statistically-more-likely-to-have-died-in-a-car-crash/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/142-plane-crash-victims-were-statistically-more-likely-to-have-died-in-a-car-crash/#comments Tue, 10 May 2011 18:36:51 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/142-plane-crash-victims-were-statistically-more-likely-to-have-died-in-a-car-crash/ WASHINGTON—Following last week’s deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday that the victims were actually far likelier to have perished in an automobile accident. “Although these individuals died tragically, it’s important to remember that their flight was 80 times less likely to kill them than if they had driven to their destination,” said NTSB chairperson Deborah Hersman, adding that their horrific deaths were “almost a statistical impossibility” when compared to highway travel. “In actuality, these people were 11 times more likely to die crossing the street than in the terrifying onboard fire and subsequent 10,000-foot free fall that took their lives.” Hersman concluded by reaching out to the victims’ families, stating that she sincerely wished they would have been able to see 24 of their loved ones eventually die of violent heart attacks, 20 waste away from cancer, and one or two commit suicide, as would be expected of a random 142-person sample.

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/A_os60jrdOA/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/142-plane-crash-victims-were-statistically-more-likely-to-have-died-in-a-car-crash/feed/ 0 Team Owners Object to MLB’s New Run-Sharing Agreement http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/team-owners-object-to-mlbs-new-run-sharing-agreement/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/team-owners-object-to-mlbs-new-run-sharing-agreement/#comments Tue, 10 May 2011 18:36:50 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/team-owners-object-to-mlbs-new-run-sharing-agreement/ NEW YORK—Major League Baseball’s latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing clubs. “Subsidizing the offense of other teams isn’t our job, so it really hurts when the Yankees lose because we have to give two of our five runs to the Royals,” said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, referring to the previous night, when the league determined a Derek Jeter double off Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander had driven in Kansas City’s Wilson Betemit and Mike Aviles. “And the Royals still got beat by the Orioles in extra innings.” According to the agreement, the only big-market team that does not have to share its runs is the New York Mets “because, well, they’re the New York Mets.”

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/-POMmInH_14/

]]> http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/team-owners-object-to-mlbs-new-run-sharing-agreement/feed/ 0 Your Horoscopes http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/your-horoscopes-3/ http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/your-horoscopes-3/#comments Tue, 10 May 2011 18:36:49 +0000 admin http://www.afro-squad.com/blog/2011/05/your-horoscopes-3/

May 10, 2011

Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you’ll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
Taurus You’ll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching bea…

Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Nqhe2c63tkY/

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