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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/9x0rLNqPgHE/
[audio] Hamm’s Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo
On May - 8 - 2011
The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.
Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.
In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.
Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/pfbdDT4ImmM/
World’s Longest Wall Completed
On May - 8 - 2011
PEMBROKE, IL—The Bernstein-Grey construction company announced the completion of the world’s longest wall yesterday, putting the final touches on the single greatest feat in U.S. architectural history. The Big Wall of Pembroke, a joint effort between the town’s beautification committee and the board of tourism, measures a full 23 1/3 feet long by 11 2/3 feet tall by 36 inches thick. Its construction began in December 1995 and ended yesterday amid great fanfare and excitement.
“No one has built a wall of this size and scope in the history of the world,” said Bernstein/Grey president Arthur Bernstein, who personally oversaw a project that was largely scorned by the U.S. architectural community. “I challenge anyone to even attempt such a grand wall.”
As all 2,300 residents of Pembroke gathered at the wall’s base for a ceremonial ribbon-cutting, Mayor Arty Leucking addressed the crowd.
“We are very, very pleased with the wall,” Leucking said. “There were plenty of naysayers in this community, people who doubted its feasibility. But their protests are forever silenced now that the finished wall has been unveiled. It is indeed a mighty, even ‘great’ wall.”
Added Pembroke alder Kate Dermot: “The wall is huge. If there is a wall this large anywhere else, I’ve never seen it, and I’ve been all over the tri-county area. It’s even visible by helicopter, provided you don’t go too high.”
From the outset, the Big Wall had the trappings of an engineering impossibility. Architects the world over were consulted, but all but one turned down the project for undisclosed reasons. The job was eventually accepted by Bernstein-Grey, a prestigious firm based in nearby Grainger, IN. The firm submitted and saw rejected nearly two dozen designs before a final plan was agreed upon.
“We were very nervous about the scale of the wall, its sheer enormity,” architect Ken Millin said. “Consequently, we were overly cautious in our design. We submitted plans for a 15-foot wall made of plastic, a 19-foot wall made of ceramic-covered aluminum, and a 20-foot wall made of a uranium shell with a liquid mercury-based ore center. They were all turned down because they were too small.”
The final design employs a series of interlocking blocks of fired clay stacked atop one another and covered with an experimental plaster substitute.
“That design we knew was a keeper,” Millin said. “It combines architectural dynamics the world has never seen—something that is going to last 10, maybe 20 years of harsh southern Illinois winters.”
Despite the overwhelming excitement surrounding the wall, its construction was not without problems. In January, a strong wind destroyed two-thirds of the structure. Although there were no injuries, a full eight feet of the wall had to be rebuilt.
Further tragedy marred the wall in early March, when construction worker Bart Meadows, who was working at the top, fell off his ladder. He suffered a bruise to his shoulder and scraped his knee on a pebble.
“It hurt a lot,” Meadows said. “I had to go get a Band-Aid, and for the next week, every time I lifted my arm it was kinda sore.”
Even when the Big Wall was proposed, a dream of a small but dedicated group of boosters, opposition within the community nearly derailed it.
“It wasn’t that they couldn’t see the necessity for the wall,” Dermot said. “It’s just that a project of this magnitude had never been conceived before. A wall this large? Impossible!”
The Big Wall has spawned a number of businesses selling memorabilia, including T-shirts with slogans such as, “You saw a bigger wall where?” and “I went to the Big Wall of Pembroke and here’s a T-shirt that proves it.”
Now that the wall is complete, plans will commence for new, four-sided hollow structures for human habitation, allowing Pembroke residents to leave their dank cave dwellings.
Said Leucking: “The only glitch is that the proposed structures have a propensity for letting in rain. Once we solve that, we will be able to live in comfort and ease until our God comes down and takes us home.”
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/FTryXWc5cjM/
Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance
On May - 8 - 2011
SAN FRANCISCO—The motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy. “She wasn’t even into Vince until he started flashing around his Blue Cross/Blue Shield card,” said Carly Platt, a longtime acquaintance who speculated Debois might one day leave her new husband for an older man with a smaller co-pay. “You could just see the wheels turning in her head once she found out his dental plan covered twice-annual cleanings. Then it was a sprint to the altar.” Sources close to Davidson confirmed he plans to use his wife as a tax write-off.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/cuOHZRvvuX0/
Fan On The Street: On Commissioner Goodell Being Booed Mercilessly Throughout The NFL Draft
On May - 7 - 2011
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On Commissioner Goodell Being Booed Mercilessly Throughout The NFL Draft
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“I think it’s mainly because the Jets fans kept thinking Pete Rozelle was going to come out every time.”
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“Well, to be fair, he did mispronounce almost every single name for the third straight year.”
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“Behavior like this is why Billy Crystal turns them down every year.”
Recent News »
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NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises
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18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing
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David Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive
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Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America
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Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors
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Chicago Cubs Can’t Believe They’re Doing This Again
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Criminal Case Of ‘USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds’ Begins
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Office Pool’s Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/AgPXC3ao4Zw/
Magazine: Recording Statistics: An Invasion Of Players’ Privacy?
On May - 7 - 2011
Recent Sunday Magazine
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30 Trees Under 300
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It’s Aunt Lisa’s Birthday Today
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Our Elderly Wildlife Issue
More Sunday Magazine
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Changing The Way We Think About Mental Illness: Anyone Really Up For Doing That?
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America’s Richest Pets
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Our Nation’s Heroes
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/OQf5nqrlGHk/
Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly
On May - 7 - 2011
MADISON, WI—An attempt by old college friends to relive a fun night out from more than 20 years ago went perfectly Friday, with no one involved experiencing the innate futility of trying to recapture the glory days of their youth, sources later confirmed.
The group of former best friends—who met outside their old sophomore dorm, went to the Plaza Tavern, drank $2 pitchers of beer, and sang along to the 1990 Jane’s Addiction song “Been Caught Stealing”—said they felt as hopeful and invincible as they did two decades earlier, and that at no point did any one of them stop to think that what they were doing was absolutely pathetic.
“At first I wondered if an attempt to reclaim our former glory would force us to come to grips with the inevitable passage of time and the sad weight the intervening years has placed on each of us,” said 42-year-old John Colvin, adding that the former classmates hardly talk anymore and lead completely different lives now. “But no, it was perfect. There were no long, uncomfortable silences or melancholy realizations that we can no longer relate to one another. And at no point did anyone go to the bathroom, look at himself in the mirror, and finally accept that things just hadn’t turned out the way he’d hoped.”
“We hit the late-night burrito place, flirted with college girls, and weren’t humiliated by any of that,” he added. “It was fun.”
According to Colvin, the group began planning the night on Facebook, an act that didn’t make them feel desperate or pathetic in any way. In addition, three of the friends said that having to drive 90 minutes to recreate one night from their 20s was “awesome” and “great” and in no way demoralizing.
Walking through the quad to Ian’s Pizza along the exact same route they took in 1991, the men passed their old haunts and remarked on how they once again felt as if their entire lives were ahead of them—free of painful divorces, unrewarding jobs, and the sleep-apnea breathing masks two of the five now wear because of their obesity.
The young college students surrounding them, they said, did not give them the urge to immediately turn around and go home out of overwhelming embarrassment.
“The best part is that we never came off like creepy old men, and we never felt as if the potential we once had to do great things was now lost to the cruelty of time,” real estate salesman Tom Hammond told reporters, adding that Friday night would always be remembered fondly and never regretted as a bad idea. “It’s really reassuring to be able to recreate one’s younger days so effectively and accurately. I didn’t cry or become overwhelmed with shame or anything.”
“When we finally made it to the Tavern and started dancing, I didn’t feel anything like a sad and empty shell of my former self” Mark Snyder, 42, said. “Nope. I was 21-year-old Mark again. And smiling whimsically when I hear the words ’21-year-old Mark’ doesn’t suddenly make me grimly aware of my own mortality in any way, either.”
Witnesses told reporters that the middle-aged men did not seem out of place or awkward, and said they never once questioned if maybe the grown adults should be at home with their families. Onlookers noted that it was hilarious, and not at all depressing, when the 40-year-olds began shouting the same college cheers they yelled in the early 1990s.
“They were awesome,” said waitress Samantha Jefferies, adding that she was flattered when the group inquired about her major and whether or not she had a boyfriend. “And when they asked me to take a picture of them posing in the same exact way they did for a photograph back in 1991, they certainly didn’t come off as trapped in a very sad self-delusion.”
The assembled group of balding, paunchy men reportedly ended the evening in the same spot they did years earlier and exchanged similar high fives.
According to sources, the men looked very cool doing so.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/mZvo9jxI644/
Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial
On May - 7 - 2011
TEMPE, AZ—Local research assistant Rob Greenfield descended into anger Tuesday after not being able to name the actress he saw in an ad for Revlon CustomEyes mascara. “Come on, come on, I know this—Jennifer, Julie something?—I want to say Jessica Alba, but it’s obviously not her,” said Greenfield, whose frustration continued to mount throughout the commercial break and well into the next segment of Hawaii Five-0. “(CENSORED), this is going to kill me. It’s the girl from The Illusionist.” As of press time, it was Jessica Biel.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/ABVLnHsdx1w/
LAS VEGAS—Mixed martial artist Phillipe Nover announced design plans Thursday for a new T-shirt that he claimed would be completely covered in hundreds of dumbshit fighting terms and stupid (CENSORED)ing tribal patterns. “This shirt will feature a rambling assortment of worthless violent images and words, like ‘grapple’ and ‘slam,’ all thrown together in the most unappealing colors possible,” said Nover, adding that graphics would include spray-painted angel wings, laughing skulls wearing crowns, random splatter marks, and other images so idiotic they could only appeal to 8-year-old boys from Long Island or emotionally undeveloped middle-aged men. “It’s going to look like two Ed Hardy shirts (CENSORED)ed and vomited on each other. I can guarantee it will be the stupidest, ugliest T-shirt ever made.” When asked if the inside tag would also feature an unsightly design, Nover admitted he had not yet thought of that but would be sure to include “machine guns or naked lady silhouettes or something else that’s stupid.”
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/GYQsnqN-nqA/
NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises
On May - 6 - 2011
RICHMOND, VA —The Crown Royal 400 at Richmond International Raceway was cut short Saturday night as the entire field of drivers slowed to a halt on lap 244, shut off their engines, exited their cars, and walked off the track, saying that driving cars very fast for a living is absolutely ridiculous.
“I can’t do this anymore,” said Kevin Harvick, winner of two of the last five Sprint Cup races, who then added that his recent success had put his life into “sickening perspective.” “I’m disgusted by what I do, and if I don’t quit now, it’s only a matter of time before I’m disgusted with myself. There has to be a better way to live my life.”
“Quite frankly, when I’m driving around like that I feel like an idiot,” he added.
Calling professional stock car racing “silly,” “absurd,” and “pretty dumb when you think about it,” the drivers received a standing ovation from the crowd as they walked toward the raceway’s exits, wearing only T-shirts and jogging shorts as they left a colored trail of sponsor-logo-emblazoned coveralls in their wake.
The professional racers told reporters they didn’t plan beforehand to all quit the race at the same time, but said that at lap 244 the field simply experienced a mutual realization that they could be spending their time doing something that wasn’t very stupid.
“I couldn’t complete another lap of a NASCAR race and still live with myself,” said former five-time Sprint Cup champion and current El Cajon, CA grocery store assistant manager Jimmie Johnson. “For 13 years I have been driving a car so I could earn points for the sole purpose of receiving a trophy. When it’s framed like that, it sounds pretty goddamn ridiculous, doesn’t it?”
Of the 43 drivers in the field, many cited the increasingly artificial and corporatized nature of the sport, the possible ecological issues posed by racing, and the length of the NASCAR season as reasons for quitting.
“There’s also the fact that we could die,” Jeff Burton said. “I don’t want to die doing this. I really don’t.”
Following the abrupt conclusion of the race, the response from the entire NASCAR community was largely positive, with officials and fans alike thanking the drivers for ending their misery. Sources confirmed that this might be the best thing to happen to American auto racing since NASCAR held its first stock car race in 1948.
“I was getting tired of people criticizing NASCAR by saying it was just guys driving in a circle,” said Houston, TX carpenter Pat Hardigree, a longtime pretend NASCAR fan who had brought his son to Saturday’s race. “I mean, actually, physically tired. Because saying ‘It’s not a circle, it’s an oval’ can really take a toll on your self-respect after a while, believe me.”
“I hate NASCAR,” said NASCAR chairman Brian France, adding that he hopes the drivers never return to Richmond to pick up their cars. “I think the only thing comparable to spending a Sunday afternoon watching a NASCAR race would be ripping your fingernails out with a pair of pliers.”
Although NASCAR offices were running with a skeleton staff Monday, a press release from the sport’s governing body claimed that efforts were underway to liquidate the sport’s assets as quickly as possible. Famed racetracks in Daytona, Talladega, and Darlington, the statement confirmed, will be converted to landfills, parks, or housing developments, or altogether completely dismantled, to ensure that no one races another stock car ever again.
“Can I just get a few things on the record?” Harvick said. “Stock cars are actually terrible cars, they’re not really stock, and they’re really (CENSORED)ing ugly. God, it feels good to finally say that.”
“Actually, a couple more things while I’m at it,” he continued. “Budweiser tastes like crap, I wouldn’t feed Armour meat products to my dog, and I have no idea what the (CENSORED) Ollie’s Bargain Outlet even is.”
Popularity: 1% [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/UkTfFUBhYX4/
Man Could See Himself Spending Rest Of Life With Image Of Woman In Head
On May - 6 - 2011
TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to friends and associates, 28-year-old Tallahassee resident Paul Curnow could really see himself spending the rest of his life with the highly idealized version of Allison James, a 23-year-old personal assistant with whom he’s gone on two dates. “She’s perfect for me,” Curnow said of the woman who in actuality shares none of his interests or ambitions, has no intention of settling down, and plans to move to California in the spring. “I can see us buying an old place downtown, fixing it up, having a couple kids, maybe opening a little shop around the corner. It’d be a nice life.” James could not be reached for comment, as she was making out with another man in the back of the bar at the time.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/2h-baAn1Kys/
Sportsgraphic: Athletes In Politics
On May - 6 - 2011
Athletes In Politics
Every now and then, someone from the world of sports decides his experience will translate to the political arena. Here’s how that has worked out so far:
- Richard Petty: Lost his bid to be North Carolina’s secretary of state, but not before his campaign skidded out of control and exploded, killing two other candidates
- Gerald Ford: Sort of fell into both starting at linebacker for Michigan and becoming the president of the United States
- Jim Bunning: Deceptively mediocre pitching paved way for conspicuously bad senatoring
- Ichiro Suzuki: Has quietly been doing a really solid job as governor of Washington for the past 10 years
- Jack Kemp: With the vice presidency all but secured, the former Buffalo Bill made the mistake of bringing Scott Norwood on to help his campaign in the final days
- Jesse Ventura: Although many would argue he hardly qualifies as a real athlete, many would also argue he hardly qualifies as a real politician
- Ronald Reagan: His many detractors maintain that history has been too generous to his legacy as a football player at Eureka (CENSORED)ing College
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/LIiGwAqg4ns/
[video] Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax
On May - 6 - 2011
Popularity: unranked [?]
Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/_OV1nKLZEUg/
Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits
On May - 6 - 2011
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits. “The suits themselves are actually very nice, but something about NFL players’ bodies just make the whole thing look very awkward,” the report read in part, adding that an aspect of the initial weirdness is that NBA players “just look way better” in suits than NFL players do. “And it’s not that the suits don’t fit correctly, either. It’s hard to explain. It’s just that bizarre combination of very thick necks and plump heads jutting out of common business attire that looks plain off.” The report concluded that even the quarterbacks “look like they’re wearing a costume or something.”
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/gcUtFplUPv0/
Predator Drone Court-Martialed For Afghani Civilian Deaths
On May - 5 - 2011
As the host of FactZone, Brooke Alvarez is one of the world’s most recognizable news figures. Growing up in Russia, Brooke dreamed of being famous and powerful. She emigrated to U.S., erased all trace of her Russian accent within three weeks, and began her systematic ascent to the top of the news industry. The details of this rapid climb through the various lesser networks to end up at the Onion News Network was the subject of “The Devil Incarnate” a book refuted by Brooke as “the pathetic scrawlings of a bitter and jealous acne-scarred half-reporter.”
A prolific Twitter user, Brooke tweets 20 to 40 times a day, often while her guests are talking. She’s appeared as herself in more than a dozen motion pictures although there is some debate whether she understood that the words on her teleprompter were fictional and where they would eventually appear. Brooke owns five corgi dogs, her favorite food is kale, and she is married to author Thomas Pynchon.
Brooke is active in charity work, having formed a foundation to teach newscaster dialect to young urban teens. She’s politically motivated as well, publicly campaigning against wind farms whenever her schedule allows.
While the media has made much of her long-standing feuds with both Wolf Blitzer and Yo Yo Ma, Brooke insists she is easy to get along with as long as everyone understands their place.
Brooke stays healthy and happy by swimming 20 miles each day in the resistance pool in her office.
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Article source: http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/PdTXUR5E03A/
