This picture was taken by Maygin in Chicago.  Make sure to send us your sweet Fu-Kin pictures! 

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For so many reasons, Michael Jackson must have been spinning in his million-dollar mausoleum last week.

His kids, Prince and Paris, whom he draped in bee keeper’s hats and masks to keep them out of the public, took center stage and accepted his Lifetime Achievement Award at the 52nd annual Grammy Awards.  Then the Elephant Man’s bones, whom he draped in human skin to keep young and vibrant, took center stage at the Sci Fi Achievement Award Ceremony. 

Yes, they (the bones) were poised and articulate, but they told of years of being hidden from the public.  They also talked of Michael’s very critical and abusive language.

But their remarks were scripted. And when the bones spoke, it was worth examining what he said. The bones, which were escorted by Joe Jackson, thanked Joe for his assistance and management.  Michael would have returned to being black before he would have let his favorite creepy obsession have anything to do with Joe Jackson. Praising him in public? Never.

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NEW YORK—In what many are calling the greatest prank in the history of professional sports, an elaborate, far-reaching practical joke to trick Sam Bradford into believing he was an elite quarterback came to a hilarious conclusion this week when Bradford was not selected in the NFL Draft.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who snickered several times during Thursday night’s event, said it was difficult not to burst into laughter as he watched the pathetic Sooners quarterback sitting patiently in his chair, waiting in vain round after round for his name to be called.

“Before I approached the podium to announce the first overall pick, I literally almost lost it,” said Goodell, who over the past three years reportedly spent 30 hours each week planning the massive prank. “Bradford had this big, stupid grin on his unsuspecting face. It was priceless. He had no clue that [Rams general manager] Bill Devaney was totally bullshitting when he called and offered that six-year, $80 million deal.”

“He bought it hook, line, and sinker,” added Goodell, throwing his head back and chuckling. “Hoo boy, when I didn’t call his name, it was just priceless—pure dejection and humiliation. It was just so perfect.”

According to NFL sources, everyone from team scouts to Bradford’s college classmates was in on the massive three-year ruse. Insiders have also praised Oklahoma’s coaching staff and players for their role in the prank, saying that without them inflating Bradford’s confidence and fooling him into thinking he was good enough to be the starting quarterback of a Division I football team, the whole thing never would have worked.

Read More at the Onion

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Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

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Sexy Afro-Squad fan XO was another victim in the series of dirty sanchezes.  This occurrance happened late in the evening on 24 March 2010.

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

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From TMZ:

TMZ has learned doctors who worked on Michael Jackson at the UCLA Medical Center ran two EKGs on the singer, and at least one doctor who interpreted the results claims there was heart rhythmic activity both times.

Furthermore, sources tell TMZ Dr. Conrad Murray insists he was able to restart Jackson’s heart at the singer’s home before paramedics arrived and then maintained heart activity in the ambulance.

Dr. Murray’s evaluation contradicts paramedics at the scene who wanted to take Jackson to the morgue, not UCLA, because they believed he was dead.

It also contradicts Joe Jackson’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, who tells TMZ he believes Jackson was dead even before paramedics arrived at the house. Oxman says the weak pulse detected at UCLA was in reaction to resuscitation efforts.

We’re told the criminal case is shaping up as a legal war between medical experts, who will be interpreting medical tests and charts in various ways — always confusing for a jury.

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0jfefqm17

AfroSquad Concludes:  Michael Jackson is a Zombie!

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Although Bigfoot was sighted with Paris Hilton earlier this week, it appears that another Bigfoot was seen on a golf course in New York.  This New York Bigfoot has a really big foot, and he frightens many.

Despite the fact that no actual photos exist, “Bigfoot Steve” is estimated at 180 foot tall, weighing an approximate 500 tons.

“We just hope he is a tourist,” said a New York State Representative. ”The mere thought of a 180 foot tall angry New York native is just frightening.  I mean, we can deal with an angry hairy giant ape.  However, if you add a New York attitude… the country is F$*@ed!”

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We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

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We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

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Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)

The city of Bum F’ing, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.

City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.

“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here.  People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad.  “We think this change will help the overall image.  We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo.  Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”

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While Rip Torn and the corpse of Elvis Presley were his co-hosts,  it was the stylish Gary Busci (seen left) who the masses waited to see last night at Hollywood Zombie Walk 2010.  Gary definitely was worth the wait.  Everything came to a halt in the Paris Theatre when he arrived, looking younger and more lifelike than ever.  For Gary, he was stunning.

He looked amazing in a pale gray skin, collapsed eye, and the usual comforting grunts.  Since officially becoming a zombie in 2010, Gary is one of the few people who seems more “normal” since becoming a zombie.

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Speculation that reading the ANU Syndicate will lead to better health has been abundant in the medical community since February, but recent studies at the Mayo Clinic now directly link the reading this site to better heart health.

“We found that laughter is great for the heart,” said Dr. Paul D Bulshitta.  “The direct link to reading this site and laughing, is an important link to heart health.”

Other studies by the American Carpel Tunnel Institute show that bookmarking this page, as opposed to typing the address every morning, can help slow the effects of carpel tunnel syndrome.

An ANU Syndicate also stated, “we are working hard for your health.  In fact, we also found a link between our Heidi Montag articles and immediate penis growth.  You are welcome.”

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Etsy.com, a website dedicated to homemade products, recently announced a new line of flavored “Vegan Vulva Lip Balm.”  In other words, it is a homemade flavored ointment made to keep your vaginal lips moist, and it is not made of animal materials.  (We aren’t making that up.)

Flavors include vanilla lavender, cherry, honey, and berry.  Despite requests by A.N.U.S. staff, many flavors are still unavailable.  “We requested more natural berry flavors, like ’dingle,” but the product’s creator didn’t think it would sell well.”

Other unsuccessful flavors include fish oil, fromunda cheese, and (for the fatty) bacon.

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The recent attack by a captive orca on its trainer at a SeaWorld facility in Orlando, Florida has again raised questions about our relationship with these top predators.

No-one knows what triggered the latest incident, but many pseudo-scientists are creating plans to find new careers for these whales.

But it does highlight the tensions that occur when we choose to interact closely with huge marine predators.

It is also debatable what to do with those orcas that remain in captivity, as they can’t easily return to the wild.

“They are highly intelligent animals, so we are putting job applications out on behalf of the animals,” says Dr Star Joy, an animal expert from “Free our Friends.”

“Recent attempts to release orcas just haven’t worked,” says Manny Grovers, of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS).  ”We had one whale start a job in Vegas.  He was a dealer.  However, he couldn’t even use the shuffle machine, and he never let people double down.  That is contrary to the table rules!”

Check back with the Syndicate as we find more about these attempts to release orcas.

** Despite our humor attempts, we have nothing but care for the people involved.

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