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9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST

Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.

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MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther’s Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant’s high standard of excellence. “I was looking for a quality Italian place, and I had no idea where to go, but then I saw that statue with its chubby-cheeks and curly little mustache,” local diner Pamela Jackson said Saturday, adding that the shallow representation of an Italian chef, with its pot belly and red neckerchief, all but guaranteed that she was was in for an authentic eating experience. “He was wearing a white apron with some marinara stains on it, so I knew the food would be good. Why else would that statue be lovingly holding up a pizza like that?” Jackson added that any lingering doubts she had were immediately erased upon being seated and noticing a framed photo of Marlon Brando on the wall.

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New Vikings Stadium’s Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

05.17.12

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New Vikings Stadium’s Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

05.17.12

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New Vikings Stadium’s Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

05.17.12

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LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting ‘MVP’

05.15.12

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Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

ISSUE 30•09 |
10.09.96 | News in Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. “I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves,” Tanner said. “I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted.” According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire’s only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. “Perot said that if I told anyone, I’d lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever,” Tanner said. “He also told me that it’s time the American people had a government that worked for them.”
more»

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LOS ANGELES—Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that the film’s star, Brad Pitt, had a piece of spinach wedged between his front teeth throughout the three-month shoot. “It’s unfortunate, because Brad’s performance was so great,” said Dominik, explaining that the spinach was visible in every scene in which Pitt opens his mouth. ”We tried to salvage it by adding a brief prologue before the credits where he’s eating a bowl of spinach, but it’s still too distracting, particularly because of all the scenes where his fellow actors rub their tongues over their teeth and slyly point at their mouths.” Earlier in postproduction, Dominik noticed that Mary-Louise Parker had mustard smeared on her face, but that problem was quickly solved by digitally inserting hot dogs into her hands every time she appeared on screen.

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Mike Abramson, 33, sure showed all of you when he died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound Tuesday night.

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London Officials Confirm Entire Olympics Will Take Place In Pouring Rain

05.08.12

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CINCINNATI—New Bengals wide receiver Mohamed Sanu told reporters last week he had been “desperately relieved” to find out a phone call notifying him that Cincinnati had drafted him was a prank, but was later dejected when actual team representatives called to use a pick on him. ”I have to admit, it was pretty funny when that kid told me the Bengals were drafting me in the first round, especially when I realized it was a joke,” said Sanu, confirming the prankster ”really had me going.” ”But the Bengals calling to say their disaster of a team actually was drafting me, just for a lot less money? What kind of sick human being does that?” Though acknowledging he cried when he first put on his Cincinnati jersey and realized he would be wasting away his youth playing for the Bengals, Sanu took solace in the fact that NFL careers are generally short and his dream of playing pro football would be over soon enough.

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Don’t miss this gorgeous condo with WALL-TO-WALL ceilings, STAINLESS STEEL nails, and in-unit W/D (white doors). Your kids and pets will just love roaming the LARGE YARD-wide hallways! To schedule a viewing, contact real estate agent Ms. GRANITE H. COUNTERTOPS today! Reference number X33JS

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The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking, or go shopping. What do you think?

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  It’s not a good day for me because I have three meetings, but tell you what, I’ll wear my Guy Fawkes mask.

  Gareth Carson
  Human Factors Specialist

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  I had no plans to bank today, but I am a banker. While I will be attending work, I’ll mostly be practicing my putting on my office’s floor. So basically I’m good here.

  Stephanie Bauchau
  Bank Manager

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  Obviously there’s no place in this movement for those of us who only feel alive when filling out deposit slips.

  Dallas Elkins
  Unemployed

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Hearst Corporation (HRST)

$17.13 (+$4.18) (+12.7%) Stock prices for the publisher of the popular women’s magazines Cosmopolitan and Elle rose sharply today on word the company had acquired cutting-edge nano-body-scanning technology that will now allow editors to isolate and map men’s myriad erogenous zones on a subatomic level.

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HISTORY

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

Tonight: Jeremy tracks retread debris across western Ohio, Clint catches some quick shut-eye on the shoulder of a Flagler, CO off-ramp, and Big Frank blasts his horn in exchange for a flash from two coeds in the back of a Jeep Wrangler.

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