Afro-Squad Magazine

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

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Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

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We would like you to get to know the Weekly World News’ Ed Anger.  Here is one of his articles.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

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We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.

“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the A.N.U.S.,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader.  “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”

We find pleasure in having something new come out of the A.N.U.S. every morning.  In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work.  If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.

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Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)

The city of Bum F’ing, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.

City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.

“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here.  People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad.  “We think this change will help the overall image.  We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo.  Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”

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While Rip Torn and the corpse of Elvis Presley were his co-hosts,  it was the stylish Gary Busci (seen left) who the masses waited to see last night at Hollywood Zombie Walk 2010.  Gary definitely was worth the wait.  Everything came to a halt in the Paris Theatre when he arrived, looking younger and more lifelike than ever.  For Gary, he was stunning.

He looked amazing in a pale gray skin, collapsed eye, and the usual comforting grunts.  Since officially becoming a zombie in 2010, Gary is one of the few people who seems more “normal” since becoming a zombie.

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It has been reported that former President George W. Bush went into the Lafayette County Library at around 2:00 AM Saturday and edited his own Wikipedia page, security cameras and Internet logs indicate.  The log indicates the former president edited the “Domestic” and “Foreign perceptions” sub-sections within the main section of the lengthy article.  Library officials claim they can’t do anything since Bush is a former two-term president and the library was built for him.  “Even though he doesn’t even have a library card, we still have to let him in whenever he pleases,” said head librarian and wife Laura Bush.

For several months, the Wikipedia page had the following written about Bush:
“By April 2008, Bush’s disapproval ratings were the highest ever recorded in the 70-year history of the Gallup poll for any president, with 69% of those polled disapproving of the job Bush was doing as president and 28% approving. In September 2008, in polls performed by various agencies, Bush’s approval rating ranged from 19%—the lowest ever —to 34% and his disapproval rating stood at 69%.  Bush left the White House as one of the most unpopular American presidents, second in unpopularity only to Richard Nixon.”

After Bush left the library, the Wikipedia page read the following:
“By April 2008, President Bush finally scored a three-some with Condie and Laura, with 66% of those polled approving of the job he was doing in bed. In September 2008, he polled performed by various frat girls, his approval rating ranged from 99%—the highest ever —to 105% and my disapproval rating stood at 7%.  I left the White House as one of the most popular American presidents, second in popularity only to my dad.  He.. he.. The Internet.”

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The 2010 Celebrity Death Polls have pointed out that Nick Nolte is the odds on favorite celebrity to die in 2010. In preparation for this, the A/S News Universe Syndicate has written a eulogy for Mr. Nolte in advance. We like to be prepared, so here it is:

“Nick’s death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. He died as he lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm P#RN he shot with her Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched many of our children. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.”

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Guess Who this cute little guy grew up to become? I bet you won’t even recognize him!

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Every Friday from now on we’ll post a funny picture.  Please check back weekly!!!

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Sixth grader Adam Jonas completed a deal early today to move Tracy McGrady.

A person with knowledge of the deal said the Jonas sent McGrady, Carl Landry and Joey Dorsey to classmate Tommy Higdon for high-scoring guard Kevin Martin.  To many, this is a coup for Jonas, who first started collecting basketball cards earlier this year.

Adam will also receive forward Kenny Thomas, center Hilton Armstrong and point guard Sergio Rodriguez. Adam will send 25 cents in cash to the Tommy, but, with the swap, will also provide two new pencils and a Sponge Bob eraser.

“Tommy really just did it for the Sponge Bob eraser,” the person with knowledge of the deal said. “Throw in McGrady and it was a steal!”

The deal still needs to be approved by Mrs. Stancil, who has banned all basketball card trading, except during recess.

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The fight between reality TV’s most famous dad, Jon Gosselin , and TLC is finally over.

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement Wednesday. “Jon will receive six packs of smokes, some ‘douchbag’ t-shirts, hair gel, and three trips to see an Asian hooker.”

A source close to the situation says that “Jon is very happy with the deal,” and, “is just content to be rid of the b!tch.”

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At first glance, there wouldn’t seem to be a lot of obvious upsides to Kevin Smith’s getting ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. Even if the director ranks among Twitter’s hottest trending topics, significantly goosing the number of media mentions for his new action-comedy, “Cop Out,” which hits theaters on Feb. 26.

But while the incident — and Smith’s subsequent Tweakout about the ordeal, dubbed “Fatgate” —  continues to generate headlines worldwide, it’s not the first time the “Clerks” writer-director has suffered an ignominious, weight-related embarrassment just days before theatrically releasing a new movie.

In 2008, just before the roll-out of his under-performing romantic comedy “Zach and Miri Make a (CENSORED),” Smith suffered a similar humiliation: He admitted that his self-described “morbid obesity” had been responsible for the destruction of a household appliance. And then, as now, he milked it for all it was worth on his blog and in interviews.

“I broke a toilet,” he told The Times. “That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit. That was an old toilet and a very water-logged wall. But still, there’s no excuses, dude. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me. It was the toilet.’ It was definitely me! And that’s a wake-up call.”

Asked why he would volunteer such a potentially embarrassing story about himself, Smith demurred. “It’s a good story,” he said. “It’s tough not to tell even though I’m the fat clown at the center of it. Putting it out there is saying, ‘I get it. I understand.’ ”

In the immediate aftermath of the director’s Twitter tirade, various blogs weighed in on the matter. Gawker.com hailed the director’s Tweakout as “the best thing Kevin Smith has written since ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’ ” TMZ, meanwhile, observed “Southwest Should Fit Wide Loads” in its headline about the incident.

Although it is too soon to gauge Smith’s impact on Southwest’s bottom line, anecdotal evidence suggests that he has galvanized his Twitter constituency by vilifying the airline’s treatment of Customers of Size.

“Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool,” Smith tweeted Saturday. “But fair warning folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SouthwestAir.”

The response from many of Smith’s followers has been unequivocal.

On Sunday, one named @chaseronio likened the director to no less than Martin Luther King Jr. in a tweet: “Ur the MLK of fatties.”

“I have a Dream,” Smith twittered back with deadpan aplomb. “And two lunches (meatball parm & Trix). And a couple of Twinkies. And a Diet Coke.”

– Chris Lee

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/movies/2010/02/kevin-smith.html

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Paris Hilton has thrown her hat into the presidential ring, promising to take on that old “wrinkly, white-haired guy” and paint the White House pink if elected.

In a spoof campaign ad featured on the Web site Funny Or Die, Hilton delivered a tart response to John McCain’s recent attack ad, in which he dismissed Obama as just another vapid celebrity like Paris Hilton.

The ad calls McCain “the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket.”

While reclining on a chair in a skimpy bathing costume and gold stilettos, the 27-year-old celebutante announced her presidential ambitions:

“Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity, too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude.

“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says. (Watch Paris Hilton’s campaign video)

She then went on to detail her plan to solve the energy crisis:

“We could do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars,” Hilton says. “That way the offshore drilling carries us until new technologies kick in which will then create new jobs and energy independence.

“Energy crisis solved! I’ll see you at the debates, b!tches!”

She signed off by saying she was considering tapping singer-songwriter Rihanna as her vice president.

“I’ll see you at the White House,” Hilton adds. “Oh, and I might paint it pink. Bye!” (Watch Hilton’s campaign video)

Here’s how the McCain campaign responded: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis — including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

And the Obama campaign’s official response: “Whatever.”

Credit:  Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor Blog 

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This steaming pile of celebrity news is coming straight from the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Tiger Woods made the statement today that it was Satan that made him “take interest in extramarital affairs.”  Tiger went on to say, “I need to keep Satan out of my life because he has ruined a lot of good things for me.” 

The A.N.U.S. interviewed the Crown Prince of Darkness.  The Dark Overlord had this to say, “I had nothing to do with Mr. Woods’ affairs.  Please leave me out of this one.  I take enough heat for the whole Holocaust thing.”

We’ll have more as the story unfolds. 

Photo Credit: Shafali

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