ATLANTA – Ted Jamazas, a mall security guard working on the East Side of Atlanta, is suing the Under Armour company after his tight “protective” clothing proved useless in a gunfight.

“When I heard the Hot Topic was being robbed, I thought I would go and check it out,” said Officer Jamazas.  “I quickly realized that the robber was using a pellet gun.  Since I had my bullet proof Under Armour under garments, I thought I would be impervious to attack.”

Ted was wrong.  He yelled, “go ahead and shoot me!  I am impervious to your attacks!”  Then the teen vandal capped him and left a nasty abrasion under Ted’s right nipple. 

“What the hell man?  I could have been killed!  That pellet went right through the so called Armour!  Isn’t this supposed to be unstoppable?”  said Officer Jamazas.    

Under Armour representatives were unavailable for comment.  There is still no work if they plan a recall of all of their athletic gear.  The teen suspect is still at large.  He was last seen wearing black pants, black mascara, a trench coat, and he was quoted as being a “whiney little emo bitch.”  If you have seen the suspect, please contact the Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Washington (A.N.U.S.) — As the military examines its policy banning openly gay, lesbian and bisexual people from serving, those who have lived with “don’t ask, don’t tell” are talking about their experiences and concerns.

“In a way, I think it should just be left alone,” said Navy Seal Mike Sharpe. “The Seals and I take a lot of showers together.  We go down on a big steel ship full of seamen, and we sleep together in tight quarters.  I am afraid that by having queers in the military that we would start doing things that seem gay!”

Sharpe says the existing policy is part of military life. Nobody asks. Nobody tells. 

“There’s nobody out trying to hunt somebody down saying, ‘Oh my gosh, kick them out — they’re gay! They’re lesbian!’ ” Runkle said. “There’s nothing like that at all.  We just look for the guys who dress well and we kick them in the balls.”

Some service members and veterans, though, have had a different experience.

Dan Mantan — a former Army sergeant who served in Iraq until he was discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” — said that if anything, coming out to his unit “brought us closer together, literally.  I had all sorts of new bunk mates after that!”

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We at the Afro-Squad are constantly working to improve the world.  This time, we decided to focus on America’s past time.  That’s right, we are going to improve the great sport of baseball. 

Over the past few decades, baseball has changed its rules to accommodate its viewers.  It has made adjustments and tweaks to appeal to the Mtv generation, but the Major Leagues have never had any major changes. 

Here are a list of changes that we feel will help the big leagues stay as fresh a new pouch of Big League Chew. 

1)      More blood.  Allow runners to sharpen their cleats.  Ty Cobb used to do it back in baseball’s hay day.  Why can’t runners do it now.  Imagine how much more interesting it would be if a runner slides into third base a set of razor sharp blades attached to his feet.  Who wouldn’t want to see that?

2)      Hot catchers.  The days of crusty old comic legends like Johnny Bench and Bob Uecker are long gone.  Now it is time to have hotties squatting behind home plate.  A simple rule change requiring a busty blonde behind the plate would make those long games so much more entertaining.  Of course, the uniform would have to require cute skirts and panties, but baseball has to change if it wants more viewers!

3)      Loaded bats.  What is so wrong with a corked bat?  It only makes you more able to smash the dickens out of some ball.  Why not encourage hitters to cork their bats.  Hell, MLB should hire teams at NASA to produce the most powerful bat in the universe.  Wouldn’t you want to see a buy like Barry Bonds crush a ball 1,000 feet?  I know I would.

4)      Bears on unicycles.  Replace general managers with bears on unicycles.  I am not sure what this would do, but the world needs more bears on unicycles. 

5)      Explosions.  How about adding some low powered land mines in the base path.  I am not talking about anything that could kill, but maybe an explosion just powerful enough to knock the hell out of somebody.  It would make running the bases a little more like Russian Roulette.

I have plenty of other suggestions, but we’ll wait to let baseball try some of these before I announce them.

Popularity: 1% [?]