Afro-Squad Magazine

Sarah is a wonderful lady who allowed us and Wrestling911.com to make her out Babe of the Week. Please check out her pictures and her Facebook page!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/Sarah.Pandora.Hauk

Popularity: 15% [?]

Back in 2001 we posted eight women and officially dedicated them our “All American Girls.”  We went into our hard drive and found their pictures.  (Two have since asked to have their photos not show up online, so we omitted them.)  Anyway, if you here are a few photos from back in the day!  Check out the American Girls!

Popularity: 10% [?]

We went all over the net and found the s#xiest photos of Sophia Vergara on the planet. Sophia was a model well before she found her role on Modern Family. In fact, she was a blonde model for quite a while, as she is a natural blonde. Just check out these fantastic photos. She may be a candidate for 2011′s Ms. Afro-Squad. She is just freaking gorgeous!

Popularity: 9% [?]

Pamela Suzette “Pam” Grier (born May 26, 1949) is an American actress. She became famous in the early 1970s, after starring in a string of moderately successful women in prison and Ethinically Significant films such as 1974′s Foxy Brown. Her career was revitalized in 1997 after her appearance in Quentin Tarantino‘s film Jackie Brown. She is one of a few African-American actresses to receive a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. She has also been nominated for a SAG as well as a Satellite Award for her performance in the iconic film Jackie Brown. She received an Emmy Award nomination for her work in an Animated Program Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child. Rotten Tomatoes has ranked her as the second Greatest Female Action Heroine in film history. Director Quentin Tarantino remarked that she may have been cinema’s first female action star.

Early life

Grier was born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, the daughter of Gwendolyn Sylvia (née Samuels), a homemaker and nurse, and Clarence Ransom Grier, who worked as a mechanic and Technical Sergeant in the United States Air Force. She has one sister and one brother.^[3] At age 6 Grier was raped by two boys when she was left unattended at her aunt’s house. “It took so long to deal with the pain of that,” she says, “You try to deal with it, but you never really get over it,” she adds. “And not just me; my family endured so much guilt and anger that something like that happened to me.”^[4] Because of her father’s military career, her family moved frequently during her childhood, to various places such as England, and eventually settled in Denver, Colorado, where she attended East High School. While in Denver, Colorado she appeared in a number of stage productions, and participated in beauty contests to raise money for college tuition toward Metropolitan State College. Contrary to previous reports she states that she is not the cousin of National Football League great Roosevelt Grier or to National Hockey League player Mike Grier.

Career

Grier moved to Los Angeles, California in 1967, where she was initially hired as a receptionist at the American International Pictures (AIP) company. She was discovered by director Jack Hill, who cast her in his women in prison films The Big Doll House (1971), and The Big Bird Cage (1972). While under contract at AIP, she became a staple of early 1970s Ethinically Significant movies, playing big, bold, assertive women, beginning with Jack Hill’s Coffy (1973), in which she plays a nurse who seeks revenge on drug dealers; her character was advertised in the trailer as the “baddest one-chick hit-squad that ever hit town!” The film, which was filled with s#xual and violent elements typical of the genre, was a box- office hit, and Grier was noted as the first African-American female to headline an action film, as protagonists of previous Ethinically Significant films were males. In his review of Coffy, film critic Roger Ebert noted that Grier was an actress of “beautiful face and astonishing form” and that she possessed a kind of “physical life” missing from other actresses.^[5] Grier subsequently played similar characters in the AIP films Foxy Brown (1974), Friday Foster, and Sheba, Baby (both 1975).

With the demise of Ethinically Significant Grier appeared in smaller roles for many years. She acquired progressively larger character roles in the 1980s, including a prostitute in Fort Apache the Bronx (1981), a witch in Something Wicked this Way Comes (1983), and Steven Seagal‘s detective partner in Above the Law (1988). She made guest appearances on Miami Vice, Martin, Night Court and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and also had a recurring role in the TV series Crime Story between 1986 and 1988. She also appeared on Sinbad, Preston Chronicles, The Cosby Show, The Wayans Brother Show, and Mad TV. In 1994, Grier appeared in Snoop Dogg‘s video for Doggy Dogg World.

In the late 1990s Grier was a cast member of the Showtime series Linc’s. She again appeared in 1997 with the title role in Quentin Tarantino‘s Jackie Brown, a film that partly paid homage to her ’70s Ethinically Significant movies. As of 2004^[update] she appears in the cable television series The L Word as Kit Porter and occasionally guest-stars in such television series as Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (where she is a recurring character).

In 2010 Grier began appearing in a recurring role on the hit science fiction series Smallville as the villain Amanda Waller, also known as White Queen, head agent of Checkmate, a covert operations agency.

Also in 2010 she wrote her memoir, “Foxy: My Life in Three Acts” with Andrea Cagan.^[6]

Personal life

Grier has never married and has no children. She dated basketball player, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, during the early 1970s, and had a 18-month affair with actor/comedian Richard Pryor around 1976–77. She also was romantically linked to actor/comedian Freddie Prinze in the 1970s.^[6] In 1998 she was engaged to music executive, Kevin Evans, but the engagement was terminated in 1999. From 2000 to 2008 she dated marketing executive, Peter Hempel.

Popularity: 10% [?]

We knew Crissy Moran in the 90s, which was before she started doing adult modeling. She was one of our original Classy Ladies, and she is now a member of the Classy Ladies Hall of Fame.

Here are some of her s#xy photos. Let us know what you think!

From Wikipedia:

Crissy Moran (born December 22, 1975)[2] is an American former P#RNographic actress. She began working in adult entertainment in 1999, and since 2001 had performed in over 40 adult films.[1][3][4] In 2006, she became a Christian and quit working in the s#x industry. After retirement, she began speaking out and appearing in national media projects addressing the harms of P#RNography, human s#x trafficking, and the exploitation of women and children.

Adult film careerMoran’s career in the s#x industry began in the fall of 1999 with her first P#RNographic photo shoot.[2][3][6][7] At the time, she was working at a local Hooters restaurant in Jacksonville, Florida. However, she felt that the environment became degrading and she began seeking employment elsewhere. She left Hooters and began working in a variety of other jobs which included a local retail store, the County Clerk of Courts, and the Supervisor of Elections office.[3]

One day, after posting bikini photos of herself on the Internet,[2][6][7] she received email responses that led to her modeling in Miami and Los Angeles for Playboy and Hustler,[8] She found greater financial success through establishing her own online P#RNography site.[3][4] After moving to California, she eventually performed in over 40 mainstream P#RN films.[3][4] In late 2005, Crissy received new breast implants.[9]

It was reported that Moran was making nearly $15,000[5] each month through her work in the P#RN business, along with receipts from her successful Web site. However, in October 2006, she became a Christian and announced that she was leaving the s#x industry.[3][4][6][10]

Mainstream film careerPrior to her retirement from the P#RN industry, Moran had a role in Nick Palumbo’s theatrically released NC-17 horror film Murder-Set-Pieces (2004).[11]

In 2008, Moran appeared in the short dramatic film Oversold, which was a modern adaptation based on the Biblical story of Hosea and Gomer, in which she plays the leading role.[6][12] Director Paul Morrell had approached Moran, originally wishing her to be a consultant for the adult business side of the story. But after discussing the project with her, he realized she would be perfect in the lead role.[13]

In 2009, Moran had a role in another Paul Morell project, the indie horror film Filth to Ashes, Flesh to Dust,[14][15] which took the best elements of 70s and 80s slasher films and gave it a modern twist.

In 2010, Moran appeared in the documentary, Exxxit: Life After P#RN,[16][17] which is an exploration into the personal side of the six billion dollar a year P#RNography industry. Other participants included Asia Carrera, Nina Hartley, Mary Carey, Houston, Randy West, Richard Pacheco, John Leslie, Amber Lynn, Seka, Raylene, Luke Ford, Bill Margold, Shelley Lubben, and Sunset Thomas. In their own words, over a dozen men and women who have retired from the P#RN industry, recounted their life and times in the business, and how it’s led to where they ended up afterwards.

Anti-P#RNography advocacyMoran currently lives in the Los Angeles area. While she left the P#RNography industry in 2006, P#RNographic photos and videos taken during her time working in the adult entertainment industry continue to remain online. Although efforts to date have been unsuccessful, Moran continues to attempt to have her photos legally removed from these Web sites established by past boyfriends and business partners.[5][10]

In April 2010, Moran began working with Shelley Lubben and the Pink Cross Foundation as they set up a booth and distributed materials during the Adultcon Adult Entertainment Show in Los Angeles. Materials distributed included educational materials for individuals working in the P#RN industry that addressed various topics such as STDs, Cal OSHA laws, and contractor vs employee law. Religious materials distributed included Bibles, books, and various Christian literature.[18]

In addition to working with the Pink Cross Foundation, Moran has also serves on the Advisory board of Beauty from Ashes Ministries[19] and assists with local outreaches organized by Harmony Dust and Treasures Out of Darkness.[20]

Popularity: 12% [?]

Pamela Suzette “Pam” Grier (born May 26, 1949) is an American actress. She became famous in the early 1970s, after starring in a string of successful women in prison and Ethinically Significant films such as 1974′s Foxy Brown. Her career was revitalized in 1997 after her appearance in Quentin Tarantino’s film Jackie Brown.

She is one of a few African-American actresses to receive a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. She has also been nominated for a SAG as well as a Satellite Award for her performance in the iconic film Jackie Brown. She received an Emmy Award nomination for her work in an Animated Program Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child. Rotten Tomatoes has ranked her as the second Greatest Female Action Heroine in film history.[1] Director Quentin Tarantino remarked that she may have been cinema’s first female action star.

filmography
FILM
The Invited (2010) with Lou Diamond Phillips
Just Wright (2010) with Queen Latifah and Phylicia Rashad
Ladies of the House (2008)
Back in the Day (2005) with Ja Rule, Ving Rhames, Tia Carrere, and Frank Langella
1st to Die (2003) with Tracy Pollan
Baby of the Family (2002) with Vanessa Williams
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002) with Eddie Murphy, Randy Quaid, Jay Mohr, Peter Boyle, John Cleese, and Illeana Douglas
Love the Hard Way (2001) with Adrien Brody
Bones (2001) with Snoop Dogg
Ghosts of Mars (2001) with Ice Cube, Joanna Cassidy, and Rosemary Forsyth
3 A.M. (2001) with Danny Glover
Wilder (2000) with Rutger Hauer
Snow Day (2000) with Chris Elliott, Jean Smart, Iggy Pop, John Schneider, and Chevy Chase
Fortress 2 (1999) with Christopher Lambert
Holy Smoke (1999) with Kate Winslet and Harvey Keitel
In Too Deep (1999) with Omar Epps and LL Cool J
Jawbreaker (1999) with Rose McGowan and P.J. Soles
No Tomorrow (1998) with Gary Busey
Fakin’ Da Funk (1997) with Margaret Cho and Tone Loc
Jackie Brown (1997) with Samuel L. Jackson, Bridget Fonda, and Sid Haig
Strip Search (1997) with Michael Pare
Mars Attacks! (1996) with Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Jones, and Jim Brown
Family Blessings (1996) with Lynda Carter
Escape from L.A. (1996) with Kurt Russell and Steve Buscemi
Original Gangstas (1996) with Fred Williamson, Jim Brown, Richard Roundtree, and Ron O’Neal
Serial Killer (1995) with Kim Delaney
Posse (1993) with Mario Van Peebles, Issac Hayes, and Paul Bartel
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991) with Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter, and George Carlin
Class of 1999 (1990) with Stacy Keach
The Package (1989) with Gene Hackman
Above the Law (1988) with Steven Seagal and Sharon Stone
The Allnighter (1987) with Suzanna Hoffs
The Vindicator (1986)
On the Edge (1985) with Bruce Dern
Stand Alone (1985) with Charles Durning
Badge of the Assassin (1985) with James Woods and Yaphet Kotto
Tough Enough (1983) with Dennis Quaid and Warren Oates
Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983) with Jason Robards
Fort Apache, the Bronx (1981) with Paul Newman and Ed Asner
Greased Lightning (1977) with Richard Pryor and Beau Bridges
The Night of the High Tide (1977) with Giacomo Rossi-Stuart
Drum (1976) with Ken Norton and Warren Oates
Bucktown (1975) with Fred Williamson, Thalmus Rasulala, and Carl Weathers
Friday Foster (1975) with Carl Weathers, Yaphet Kotto, and Thalmus Rasulala
Sheba, Baby (1975)
Foxy Brown (1974) with Peter Brown, Antonio Fargas, Sid Haig, and Katheryn Loder
The Arena (1973) with Margaret Markov and Daniele Vargas
Coffy (1973) with Booker Bradshaw, Robert DoQui, Allan Arbus, and Sid Haig
Scream, Blacula, Scream! (1973) with William Marshall, Don Mitchell, Michael Conrad, Lynne Moody, and Barbara Rhoades
The Big Bird Cage (1972) with Sid Haig, Candice Roman, and Anitra Ford
Black Mama, White Mama (1972) with Sid Haig, Lynn Borden, and Margaret Markov
Cool Breeze (1972) with Thalmus Rasulala and John Lupton
Hit Man (1972) with Bernie Casey and John Lupton
The Twilight People (1972) with John Ashley
The Big Doll House (1971) with Sig Haig and Katheryn Loder
Women in Cages (1971)
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) with Michael Blodgett and Edy Williams; directed by Russ Meyer; screenplay by Roger Ebert

Popularity: 12% [?]

Who is the Afro-Squad?

    The Squad, also know as the Afro-Squad Army, is a group of people across the world who share a similar distaste for the Man and his nefarious minions.  We enjoy sports, women, sporty women, good humor, and funky cars. 

Who is the Man?

    Here is the simple answer.  The Man is the guy at work that you hate.  He’s the guy who enforces pointless rules.  He is the person who raises your taxes.  He charges you additional fees on your cell phone.  He also keeps you from getting laid.

 Can I join the Afro-Squad

    Yes you can!  We are always looking for funky people to join the ranks of the Afro-Squad Army! 

 How do I join the Afro-Squad?

    There are a bunch of ways!  Grab a ‘fro, wig or similar gimmick and shoot some pictures at a local sporting event.  Even better, make your own Afro-Squad video!  Send it to us and spread the word about the Squad!

Will being in the Afro-Squad get me laid?

    Yes.  Absolutely. 

Why the dark glasses and wigs?

    First off, it is fun to dress up and look goofy.  Second, it helps hide our identity from the Man.  Let’s face it.  The Man is so powerful that he would have a jumbo jet crash in our trailer park if he ever determined our identity. 

What are some common themes within the Afro-Squad?

    A few members really like wrestling.  So you are bound to see the Squad at some wrestling events.  SnowMan and KrazyMan also enjoy White Castle, Photoshop, video editing, and classy ladies.  So you are likely to see those sorts of things too. 

I once saw a website called NinjaPimp Online.  It featured the Afro-Squad.  What was that?

    That was our attempt at a men’s magazine, like Maxim.  We did interviews.  We talked about food, and we crushed the Man. 

Where has the Afro-Squad been?

    We’ve been a lot of places.  The Afro-Squad has appeared at the Superbowl and the World Series.  We’ve been in Paris and Germany.  We’ve been on TV in the US and Australia.  We are all over YouTube, and we may have been in your sister’s bedroom. 

Who are your main members?

    KrazyMan and the SnowMan are the main members of the Squad.  For all intents and purposes, these characters founded the group.  Since then, there have been dozens of supporting characters.  Minor 69′er, Kinky Tuscadero, Jordi Scrubbings, the Afro-Squad Dog, the Gargoyle, the Mullet Master, the Rated R Afro-Star, Original Jit, the Zombie Pimp… and the list goes on. 

Does the Afro-Squad have anything to do with race?

    Nope.  It sure doesn’t.  The Afro-Squad is a group of people of different races who all hate the Man.  It is just that simple.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Pamela Suzette “Pam” Grier (born May 26, 1949) is an American actress. She became famous in the early 1970s, after starring in a string of moderately successful women in prison and Ethinically Significant films such as 1974′s Foxy Brown. Her career was revitalized in 1997 after her appearance in Quentin Tarantino‘s film Jackie Brown. She is one of a few African-American actresses to receive a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. She has also been nominated for a SAG as well as a Satellite Award for her performance in the iconic film Jackie Brown. She received an Emmy Award nomination for her work in an Animated Program Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child. Rotten Tomatoes has ranked her as the second Greatest Female Action Heroine in film history.^[1] Director Quentin Tarantino, in an interview promoting Jackie Brown on Charlie Rose, remarked that she may have been cinema’s first female action star.

Early life

Grier was born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, the daughter of Gwendolyn Sylvia (née Samuels), a homemaker and nurse, and Clarence Ransom Grier, who worked as a mechanic and Technical Sergeant in the United States Air Force. She has one sister and one brother.^[2] Because of her father’s military career, her family moved frequently during her childhood, to various places such as England, and eventually settled in Denver, Colorado, where she attended East High School. While in Denver, Colorado she appeared in a number of stage productions, and participated in beauty contests to raise money for college tuition toward Metropolitan State College. Contrary to previous reports she states that she is not the cousin of National Football League great Roosevelt Grier or to National Hockey League player Mike Grier.

[edit] Career

Grier moved to Los Angeles, California in 1967, where she was initially hired as a receptionist at the American International Pictures (AIP) company. She was discovered by director Jack Hill, who cast her in his women in prison films The Big Doll House (1971), and The Big Bird Cage (1972). While under contract at AIP, she became a staple of early 1970s Ethinically Significant movies, playing big, bold, assertive women, beginning with Jack Hill’s Coffy (1973), in which she plays a nurse who seeks revenge on drug dealers; her character was advertised in the trailer as the “baddest one-chick hit-squad that ever hit town!” The film, which was filled with s#xual and violent elements typical of the genre, was a box- office hit, and Grier was noted as the first African-American female to headline an action film, as protagonists of previous Ethinically Significant films were males. In his review of Coffy, film critic Roger Ebert noted that Grier was an actress of “beautiful face and astonishing form” and that she possessed a kind of “physical life” missing from other actresses.^[3] Grier subsequently played similar characters in the AIP films Foxy Brown (1974), Friday Foster, and Sheba, Baby (both 1975).

With the demise of Ethinically Significant, Grier appeared in smaller roles for many years. She acquired progressively larger character roles in the 1980s, including a prostitute in Fort Apache the Bronx (1981), a witch in Something Wicked this Way Comes (1983), and Steven Seagal‘s detective partner in Above the Law (1988). She made guest appearances on Miami Vice, Martin, Night Court and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and also had a recurring role in the TV series Crime Story between 1986 and 1988. She also appeared on Sinbad, Preston Chronicles, The Cosby Show, The Wayans Brother Show, and Mad TV. In 1994, Grier appeared in Snoop Doggy Dogg’s video for Doggy Dogg World.

According to The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman, she was at the famed Troubadour night club in Hollywood the night Lennon was ejected for drunkenly heckling the Smothers Brothers.

In the late 1990s Grier was a cast member of the Showtime series Linc’s. She again appeared in 1997 with the title role in Quentin Tarantino‘s Jackie Brown, a film that partly paid homage to her ’70s Ethinically Significant movies. As of 2004^[update], she appears in the cable television series The L Word as Kit Porter and occasionally guest-stars in such television series as Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (where she is a recurring character).

In 2010, Grier began appearing in a recurring role on the hit sci-fi series Smallville as the villain Amanda Waller, also known as White Queen, head agent of Checkmate, a covert operations agency.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Popularity: 2% [?]

This was the sign on a women’s restroom at a Tampa bar.  Ick.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Upon being named to the All-American team by the Associated Press, UConn’s Maya Moore and Tina Charles decided to call-out Kentucky’s John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins. Charles and Moore said that the women’s tourney doesn’t present enough competition and roughness for them. As a result, they decided to challenge the two Men’s All-American All-Stars to a two-on-two match after the Huskies’ tournament win. Sounds like the UConn girls are getting a bit conceded.

John Wall has refused to comment on the challenge, but DeMarcus Cousins responded by saying, “I’m not gonna lie, these women are tough. I wouldn’t be surprised if they would be able to defeat us. Tina and Maya have a great future ahead of them in the WNBA. I hope the same is for me and John next year. Oops!”

Looks like Cousins spilled the beans on this one and declared that John Wall and him will enter the NBA Draft. Does that scare the women? Absolutely not. They have presented the idea to the NCAA committee to consider this as an official game. If this is approved, the Huskies could make their winning streak even longer and more impressive.

Coach Calipari boldly stated that “Moore and Charles should avoid this for their own good.” Moore responded by flexing and doing the John Wall dance.

These women are fearless. The Wildcats’ Wall reassured that statement and tweeted, “I will not comment on the challenge, but will say that these women are beasts.”

According to Tina Charles the following will be the guidelines for the match:

• The free-throw line will be moved in five feet for the Kentucky men.
• Medical assistance will be on the court’s sidelines and will follow Wall and Cousins across the court on every play.
• Charles and Moore will play shoeless and will have ten pound weights around their ankles.
• Wall and Cousins will be allowed to call timeouts to repair their wheelchairs after the first quarter.
• The last five minutes of the final quarter will be played blind-folded by the Huskies’ women.

If the men win, the women will be required to make Wall and Cousins a six foot sandwich for each member of the Wildcats. If the women win, Wall and Cousins will have to have the faces of Maya and Tina tattooed on their arms with the words “Beat by a Girl.”

If Wall decides to back out of the challenge he will be considered a “chicken” by Moore and will live the rest of his life with that upon his back. Like so many times during the season, the game is on Wall’s shoulders. Will he come through?

Source:  http://bleacherreport.com/articles/371086-moore-and-charles-call-out-kentuckys-wall-and-cousins-satire

Popularity: 6% [?]

Geno Auriemma’s UConn Huskies won their 71st game in a row Monday night, establishing a new NCAA record. But the fact that the victory came against a women’s team did little to silence the program’s many critics. “I’m not sure what more we can do,” said Auriemma. “We can only play the teams that are on our schedule.” But a close examination of the 71-game streak shows that every one of UConn’s opponents has been a women’s team. In fact, Auriemma hasn’t defeated a men’s team — of any caliber — in his entire career coaching career. “Hey, congrats to Geno,” said UConn men’s head coach Jim Calhoun. “But all 14 of the losses my team has had this year we can be proud of. At least we are challenging ourselves.”

Source – SportsPickle.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.

“I let down a lot of people,” said Woods, in his statement. “It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares.”

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

“I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid,” said Woods. “These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have s#x with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help.”

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

“Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks,” he said. “I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold.”

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

Source:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:661/tiger-woods-sincerely-apologizes-for-that-5-he-did

Popularity: 3% [?]

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by s#x fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to s#x.

“Not being able to get out there and have s#x has really been tough on me,” Woods said. “I’ve missed it. I love f’ing with all my heart.”

Woods said that during his brief time away from s#x, he couldn’t stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of s#xual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

“When I am out there having s#x, I am in complete control,” said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. “It’s just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met.”

“I’m so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras,” Woods added.

Saying that f’ing is his “calling and [his] one true passion,” Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman’s vagina.

“That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine,” Woods said. “Ever since I was 16, I’ve loved that feeling. It’s like new every time.”

“To be honest, I’d do this for free,” Woods added. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to s#x. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major suckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year’s venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old s#xual superstar said he is “far from satisfied” by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to s#x even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

“I’ll probably be a little rusty,” Woods said. “But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I’m confident that I’ll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.”

“There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I’ll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it,” Woods continued. “Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge.”

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

“I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly,” Woods said. “It’s really all mental at that point.”

Reaction to Woods’ announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O’Mera, said that Woods’ return would undoubtedly be great for s#x, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods’ fans have also been supportive.

“I’m so glad Tiger is coming back,” said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. “He’s the best.”

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus’ record of f’ing 18 major babes at one time.

Source:  http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tiger_woods_announces_return_to

Popularity: 4% [?]

Tiger Woods will appear at a press conference Friday, breaking a three-month silence following a scandal involving alleged infidelities, the Associated Press reported Wednesday, citing Woods’ agent.

“Tiger plans to apologize to American women for the way he has treated women,” said the agent in a prepared statement.

Tiger has been quoted as saying that he didn’t mean to “hurt all these b!tches” and that he “apologizes to all of the hoes.”

Popularity: 3% [?]